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Wow, it's kind of nice to know that I'm not the only one. Sometimes it really feels like I am I've actually been considering starting a thread like that myself.
I'm exactly the same way and I've recently been pondering and unable to understand why that is. I'm a young SAHM with a preschooler and we've moved into the area two years ago. In my hometown, we had extended family and I had a best friend from high school, only one I've retained, and another couple of mommy friends my age that I've made, and that was plenty, even though I sometimes wished we had an actual 'social circle' of couple friends, which we didn't (doesn't help that my DH is an introvert who doesn't particularly care for any sort of social life). I've had the same experience as you with being shunned out all my life, I was bullied and ignored starting in kindergarten and until high school, in spite of switching four different schools. In my last years of schools however I finally met a few girls and we became good friends, however all but one drifted away after graduation and we lost touch. When we moved down here, I was upset at moving away from family and not having any type of support network or people for DS to socialize with, so I was determined to have a fresh start and really put myself out there. I did everything you mentioned - overcame my shyness and put myself out there, joined meetup and playgroups, approached moms on the playground, struck up conversations, even though it's not easy for me to do. Tried so hard to keep things casual and maintain the balance between being friendly and showing interest but not coming on too strong or appear desperate. For whatever reason, these things that come naturally to others are like a constant uphill battle for me, but I tried. I put in effort, arranged playdates, invited people over, suggested new cool places to check out with kids. And most seemed to respond at first - went along or came over, but then never reciprocated, even though it seemed that we had a good time. It's just baffling to me, I can't understand why. I've met so many moms that have just 'disappeared' after we've hung out together several times. There are a couple that I've managed to maintain casual acquaintances with, as in we're sort of friendly and invite each others to birthdays and such, but it's far from real friendships. At the same time, a bunch of them who've met each other at the same time as me seemed to have become actual close friends right off the bat; they hang out together, even go on trips and whatnot, and I'm never included. The moms at my son's preschool are even worse, they completely ignore me, it's a very cliquey posh neighbourhood; I've tried smiling and saying hi only to be completely frozen out so I don't even bother making the effort anymore, except with one who is actually nice. I'm a bit younger than a lot of them, not sure if that has anything to do with it.
I don't get it. I'm a bit on the shy and quiet side, but I'm a good listener and a good friend. It's funny you mention the intuition thing, because I'm exactly the same way too; I've often thought I should've gone into psychology because I'm usually spot-on in reading a person's character right away, even when it's not obvious to others.
As many of you, I'm fairly attractive, well-groomed, etc. However that wasn't always the case when I was a kid, we didn't have much money and I was teased a lot about my clothing and appearance (even though my shyness and bookworm personality probably was the main reason). Now, I find I at least find a lot of solace and security in looking good, staying fit, dressing well, etc. It's like, if I'm quiet, I'd rather people think of me as stuck-up than just a loser and loner, it's like a defense mechanism.
Evilcookie- I am here with you right about now, don't give a darned anymore. "It's like, if I'm quiet, I'd rather people think of me as stuck-up than just a loser and loner, it's like a defense mechanism." However, it still does baffle me……I guess the obviousness of it is the baffling part. It's not just 'once in awhile' or 'one person here, one person there…'. It's very consistent.
To the OP: in regards to what you described about your neighbour's wife, it really sounds like she just didn't like an attractive woman chatting to her husband. Maybe some of the wives in your neighbourhood just feel threatened?
Perhaps. Very possible. Her husband is very attractive, she is overweight, but a pretty face. Actually, I have had short conversations with her and she is not that personable, imo. I found that I was the conversation driver as there were many quiet moments where she didn't have anything to add. She is the one who they had just moved about 6 months ago and I sent over one or 2 different treats over the span of a few wks. Not one thank you, even though a day or so right after one of the deliveries (I had my children bring them over) she and I chatted and not one word of the whole loaf of homemade banana bread that I baked for them. Not even a thank you. And, my banana bread is killer good. Haha. People, I find, just aren't that friendly or polite most of the time. If a neighbor gave me a loaf of bread after we moved in, I would've personally gone over for a sec to thank them after it was eaten! Ummmm, or something!!
You just can't expect anything anymore from ppl. That's my newer mantra that I need to begin living by. I just feel like there aren't many 'ppl like me' out there.
OP: you are truly not alone! I'm in the same boat as far as this 'making friends' bit; seems like the people I meet up with are mostly acquaintances and not what would be defined as 'friends'.
I used to scratch my head and wonder what the heck was wrong with me; but I got tired of trying to analyzing myself and ended up with analysis paralysis and it was a huge waste of time.
From everything you wrote about yourself, I find nothing that would make me shy away; in fact, quite the opposite, you sound like a person I would enjoy being around.
Perhaps it's that our types of personalities are not the norm, and running into people like ourselves is not that common so we think there's something wrong with us. When in fact, it's that the majority out there are not like us and we end up feeling like someone from Mars.
Ditto. I just wrote something like this to Evilcookie.
I truly, truly enjoyed reading everyone's posts on this topic. I often feel the same way many of you do. Sometimes, I question my methods of dealing with people. "Am I being too direct?" and, "Am I being compassionate enough?" I feel as if I over analyze most things, and generally look at situations differently than many, so I definitely commiserate with you all here. Sometimes I feel like an alien on Earth, like my people left me here or something...lol, I'm kidding, but seriously. I think I am very kind. I take in stray animals all the time because they just seem to come to me. I was recently heartbroken because a good dog that I had taken in, kids got attached to her and all...was spotted by her owner when I was out walking her. Kind of surprised me that I was willing to hand her over so easily because this dog and I really formed a bond over the two months she spent with us. But, he had proof she was his...including several pictures of his adorable 3 y/o daughter hugged up when napping. It pained me just as much to know that little girl and her family was missing their beloved pet for 2 months. But still, even after I said "Sure, come get your dog, just let my kids say goodbye to her first." he looked all mad at me. What gives? I even handed over all the expensive products I bought for her, I sought no payment...but was rolling his eyes really necessary? I feel like a loser sometimes.
I am tired of questioning my methods with ppl. I do overanalyze too. Maybe we're just too deep for ppl's comfort levels? But, this can't always be my issue with ppl, as most of them don't even let me get this far into a friendship with them, or past the 1st conversation. Some, ice me out right after 'hello'. Or, some, before hello!
I kind of feel that for me, I tend to come off as too serious or not fun or upbeat enough. The other women are all so...giggly, lol. And loud and bubbly. And I'm not like that, never was. I'll be friendly and smile, but I need to find something really funny to burst out laughing, so I feel like others see me as boring and not entertaining enough. Yet with people I know well I have no problem laughing and cracking jokes and I have a good sense of humor - I just can't act the same way with people I just met, and even when I try I end up not being heard or ignored and then I just feel like an idiot. So I stay quiet and smile politely and I guess people just think I'm stuck up or just boring. I had the same problem at job interviews too; even when I was qualified and answered everything 'right', I felt employers were just forgetting me because I was, well, forgettable. I didn't have that bubbly personality and upbeat tone and I could see they already forgot who I was 30 seconds into the meeting. And the hard I try to sound 'confident' and casual and upbeat, the more forced and fake I end up sounding, it's a catch-22. I'm like one of those people that people say 'have no personality' - yet I definitely DO around loved ones, just not with people I meet or want to impress.
Would you say that you're shy? I am a tiny bit, at first. And, not even all the time. Depends on who the ppl are that I am around. How important are they? Is it my husband's boss? Yes, I am shy then. Is it just Joe Blow-then no, I am not shy.
But, alas, I have never ever been one of those extroverted, loud, gregarious, attention-attracting people. Nor, do I want to be. =)
I am the giver type. I am glad to see that I am not alone, I knew that I wasn't, but the responses here do help me to feel like I have company. Doesn't misery love company, lol?! I have recently taken the same road as you. I have told myself 'screw it'. Screw those who snub me. If I had sent out 15 texts, I might have gotten less than 5. I recently deactivated my FB account. I do this often. I get frustrated and disgusted at the lack of activity on my page. I don't often post pictures or personal things. I find others do that a ton and I find that to be something I'm not comfortable doing. Is it braggy? I am not braggy. Perhaps, I don't post personal things because I am scared at the lack of activity it'd receive? Embarrassing! The most, usually I will get are 'likes'. And that number is pathetic. I even notice some of my friends will post comments galore on other ppl's posts/pics, but God forbid they comment on mine! On occasion, after a field trip (I homeschool my children)..I will post a pic of the location with a picture of another child in the pic, I will 'tag' their mom-who was also on the field trip. Do you think these moms will comment or 'like' or acknowledge that I 'tagged' their child in a pic? Nope, cuz it's MY page and God forbid anyone post anything of significance on 'HER'(my) page!
This is really baffling to me. The FB issue. Even the one brother on my friend list will rarely comment or 'like' anything I post even though he and I share the same political views(as do 80% of my friends). I have even directly asked my brother a question here and there, about a pic he might post, under the comments. He will ignore me! After a day or so, I find myself deleting the comment as it's hurtful/embarrassing…...
Rebelson, I have the exact same problem with FB! I like other people's posts, I wish them happy birthday, occasionally comment, but then if I post something I get nothing but silence... (insert sound of crickets chirping here, haha) I'm lucky if I get even one like, let alone a comment! Sometimes I think my brother-in-law only makes "pity comments" because he feels bad that I have nothing. And you're right - it's embarrassing! I guess I like to pretend to myself that I'm not a complete social pariah, but then the truth that is FB will smack me back down to reality. And what really gets to me is that I can literally share something somebody else posted, and they will get 50 comments on it while I get nothing. Umm, what? It's suddenly not interesting to anyone simply because I posted it? Anyway, I'm glad you started this thread. It's nice to know that there are others and we're not alone, even if we are the rare exceptions.
I am in my 40's, married with children. My husband is my best friend, but, it's still nice to have a few 'friends!'. I have never had the desire to have many friends. I guess I am introverted? I do not like small talk. I do not like gossip. I do not like superficial ppl. Good example, I can meet someone-have a 'great', flowing conversation, even have multiple things in common. Once the situation is over, we have gone home, no further contact will be made. I may try once, or twice, but it's futile. The other person is not interested. It can't be a random thing. This has happened over and over and over again.
New neighbor moves in. She comes over and sits on front porch, our children play. Everything is normal, great. I invite her or her child again and it's like pulling teeth. I am not weird! I have analyzed myself for so long, I am not weird! I even hold back on things that I might want to say for fear of sabotaging another person. I have met several strange ppl in my lifetime, who seem to have a plethora of friends and I thought they were very strange! Why?
When in a new group, I hold back, speak slowly, intelligently and go with the flow of conversation………………all to NO avail! I repel ppl for some reason. It's baffling. Even as a little girl, I have memories of feeling estranged from other friends in the neighborhood. They were tight but sort of could take me or leave me. It hurt. At this time, I was like 7. So, I must have been born like this?
I go through ebbs and flows with it, too. I like to be kind to ppl. I reach out to them. But, no one ever seems to reach out to me. When I do reach out to someone, be it either a friend, neighbor etc., it does not get reciprocated. After a prolonged period of reaching out and getting nothing back, not even a phone call once a month, I get angry. And then, I find that I cut off everyone. [i]
Another example, this weekend I was at a retreat event with other women. Some of whom I had just met. An acquaintance of mine and I were walking around and came up to a new person. We both started talking to her and within the 1st minute, she shifted her focus/eye contact from 'both' of us, to the other woman. So, in short, she did not want to look at me while talking. This has happened so many times to me! It hurts. I have yet to figure out why. I have examined and re-examined my demeanor towards others, to see if I am doing something 'off-putting' and I have altered what little things I have come up with. To no avail. It hurts.
I hate living like this. I hate that I have much kindness and friendship to give, (not suffocating friendship cuz that freaks me out) but others just seem to reject me. What is wrong with me? I am an attractive (I think-for my age, I look much younger) and college educated person, who's not on meds! I've often thought it could be my looks….but so many attractive women (much more so than I!) have tons of friends!
Help, thoughts on what I wrote? Ask me questions, if you'd like? I'm so frustrated. Why is it so complicated? It doesn't have to be!
I guess I just need to have NO expectations of any type of reciprocal friendship or even 'courtesy' from others….and thus I will have to STOP myself when I feel like sending over cookies to the neighbors who just moved in as they will snub me for the next 2 years. It sucks that kind ppl have to harden up……anyways, input?
I'm very glad someone brought this up. I felt this way at a young age, like I was disconnected from much of the world even when I tried very hard to connect with others. For a long time, I was very depressed and unsure of myself. This happened during high school and the beginning of college. I couldn't explain it, but I just felt... off. Like something from me was missing, and people could tell, so they just ignored me.
I am very introverted, shy around people I don't know, and I tend to be extremely quiet in public. I am more of a watcher and because of this, people usually don't pay attention to me. One thing I also realized is that I tend to be more of a "joker." I make fun of everything, including me. It's a defense mechanism as well as a way to relate to other people. Couple that with someone who seems very serious and quiet, people tend to get a little confused.
Now that I'm a little bit older, I've learned that I really like who I am. Because of this, there are just some things I refuse to adjust (personality wise) in order to meet more people. It just doesn't work out that way. And inevitably, I feel unfulfilled in any kind of friendship like that, because I feel like I can't be myself.
It's rare, but I've found people who were willing to look past my oddities. They laugh at my bad jokes, understand when I'm quiet, and really accept me for who I am. I think finding people like that is difficult for anyone. I've never been the type just to have acquaintances and while close friendships tend to work well for me, they are difficult to maintain with my schedule. But what this allowed me is time to really understand myself. I am thankful for the friends I have made, but I am even more thankful that I have myself to depend on.
Perhaps. Very possible. Her husband is very attractive, she is overweight, but a pretty face. Actually, I have had short conversations with her and she is not that personable, imo. I found that I was the conversation driver as there were many quiet moments where she didn't have anything to add. She is the one who they had just moved about 6 months ago and I sent over one or 2 different treats over the span of a few wks. Not one thank you, even though a day or so right after one of the deliveries (I had my children bring them over) she and I chatted and not one word of the whole loaf of homemade banana bread that I baked for them. Not even a thank you. And, my banana bread is killer good. Haha. People, I find, just aren't that friendly or polite most of the time. If a neighbor gave me a loaf of bread after we moved in, I would've personally gone over for a sec to thank them after it was eaten! Ummmm, or something!!
You just can't expect anything anymore from ppl. That's my newer mantra that I need to begin living by. I just feel like there aren't many 'ppl like me' out there.
That does not have anything to do with you. Your neighbor is downright rude and impolite and with no social manners.
There is no reason not to thank for a gift..
We call these people cave people or savages..( but this is Europe)
Rebelson, I have the exact same problem with FB! I like other people's posts, I wish them happy birthday, occasionally comment, but then if I post something I get nothing but silence... (insert sound of crickets chirping here, haha) I'm lucky if I get even one like, let alone a comment!
My FB experience has been exactly the same. My "friends" on there never say a thing to anything I post on there, and after a few years of that I just stopped going to my page. Now and then I get email from FB saying I have notifications pending, but it's always someone going on about their stuff, or my so-called "friends" commenting to each other on their stuff. it's never any message or comment to me. So FB has been quite pointless for me. I don't need an online mirror of my offline social life.
I've been thinking about the intuition part of this. Someone suggested that being able to pick up on other people's feelings might be a turn off. I think I sort of do that, too. I think I read people really well. Maybe people pick up on that and don't want to be read. I would never have put those 2 aspects together before. I don't know how they would sense that about me though.
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I've actually been considering starting a thread like that myself.
Doesn't misery love company, lol?! I have recently taken the same road as you. I have told myself 'screw it'. Screw those who snub me. If I had sent out 15 texts, I might have gotten less than 5. 
I recently deactivated my FB account. I do this often. I get frustrated and disgusted at the lack of activity on my page. I don't often post pictures or personal things. I find others do that a ton and I find that to be something I'm not comfortable doing. Is it braggy? I am not braggy. Perhaps, I don't post personal things because I am scared at the lack of activity it'd receive? Embarrassing! The most, usually I will get are 'likes'. And that number is pathetic. I even notice some of my friends will post comments galore on other ppl's posts/pics, but God forbid they comment on mine! On occasion, after a field trip (I homeschool my children)..I will post a pic of the location with a picture of another child in the pic, I will 'tag' their mom-who was also on the field trip. Do you think these moms will comment or 'like' or acknowledge that I 'tagged' their child in a pic? Nope, cuz it's MY page and God forbid anyone post anything of significance on 'HER'(my) page! 
