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I don't contribute to this section very often, because quite frankly.... some forum posters can be quite BRUTAL!
The ONLY reason I'm posting this story is because I get sick and tired of 'others' claiming... You are NOT a VICTIM.... you somehow agreed to this twisted situation. <whatever>
If you haven't had a Narcissist Mother/parent... then just maybe you really can NOT understand another person's point of view?
I will keep this brief, without much detail.... but my mother WAS A FULL BLOWN NARCISSIST! Dad died when I was only 11yrs old.
For reasons I can not explain.... my Mother needed to play the *feel sorry for me* story. And she did whatever she could to make sure it happened! Which means.... I was the true victim in all of that!
Imagine..... you are young.... trying to date.... and your Mother keeps telling the guys VILE UGLY LIES about you. Why?
It's real simple.... she felt *threatened* by my dates. Afterall... they *might* take me away from HER! She did everything she could to destroy any and all potential relationships.
You have to understand... I was HER ONLY CHILD! So she could emotionally afford to put all her effort onto me!!!!!!
Dear Gawd... I might find a man... and declare my LOYALTY TO HIM? Then where would that leave her?
Because my Dad died when I was young.... which left her a widow with a young child... I heard wayyyyy tooooo many times from my mother.... "DONT YOU DARE LEAVE ME!"
She was the most destructive and vile person I've ever known.
When I temporarily dated a guy... and it turns out he had a history of Domestic Violence... and he put me in the hospital for 3 days... ya know what she said to me, while laying in that hospital bed? She said... "sooooo.... what did you do to deserve it?" She actually sided with HIM!
I already know there will be forum posters that attack me..... I'm just saying.... I get sooooo frustrated at some of these threads, and the responses by others. It can be really baffling.
As a single parent.... one of my TEEN sons would do 'something wrong'... and I would 'ground them'. She would deliberately go out of her way to buy them 'presents'. Whether it be toys or clothes... and while presenting them with that present... she would say... "isn't it terrible mom is being soooo mean?" She was *undermining* in the worst way!
Keep in mind... I was a single parent. I had to work a job! She would make sure to show up at the house, offer her present (with insult) before I got home at 5:30pm.
By the time I got home, from work, I was already the bad guy and I didn't even realize.
Thank Gawd....those boys are now adults... and parents themselves. They are now dealing with divorce situations with their children.
They are now awakening to the *games* that people play.
Last edited by springazure; 01-29-2015 at 08:02 PM..
I once was helping an overweight friend to exercise and she began to lose weight and look good. Well her mom turned her against me and did everything in her power to stop her from exercising anymore!
I never did understand why her mom would NOT want her daughter to lose weight and look good???? That is until now and reading your post above. I can't believe anyone could be that selfish, but I now realize that was the case. He mom didn't want her looking good because she would find a man and spend time with him instead of with her mom!
I don't contribute to this section very often, because quite frankly.... some forum posters can be quite BRUTAL!
The ONLY reason I'm posting this story is because I get sick and tired of 'others' claiming... You are NOT a VICTIM.... you somehow agreed to this twisted situation. <whatever>
If you haven't had a Narcissist Mother/parent... then just maybe you really can NOT understand another person's point of view?
I will keep this brief, without much detail.... but my mother WAS A FULL BLOWN NARCISSIST! Dad died when I was only 11yrs old.
For reasons I can not explain.... my Mother needed to play the *feel sorry for me* story. And she did whatever she could to make sure it happened! Which means.... I was the true victim in all of that!
Imagine..... you are young.... trying to date.... and your Mother keeps telling the guys VILE UGLY LIES about you. Why?
It's real simple.... she felt *threatened* by my dates. Afterall... they *might* take me away from HER! She did everything she could to destroy any and all potential relationships.
You have to understand... I was HER ONLY CHILD! So she could emotionally afford to put all her effort onto me!!!!!!
Dear Gawd... I might find a man... and declare my LOYALTY TO HIM? Then where would that leave her?
Because my Dad died when I was young.... which left her a widow with a young child... I heard wayyyyy tooooo many times from my mother.... "DONT YOU DARE LEAVE ME!"
She was the most destructive and vile person I've ever known.
When I temporarily dated a guy... and it turns out he had a history of Domestic Violence... and he put me in the hospital for 3 days... ya know what she said to me, while laying in that hospital bed? She said... "sooooo.... what did you do to deserve it?" She actually sided with HIM!
I already know there will be forum posters that attack me..... I'm just saying.... I get sooooo frustrated at some of these threads, and the responses by others. It can be really baffling.
As a single parent.... one of my TEEN sons would do 'something wrong'... and I would 'ground them'. She would deliberately go out of her way to buy them 'presents'. Whether it be toys or clothes... and while presenting them with that present... she would say... "isn't it terrible mom is being soooo mean?" She was *undermining* in the worst way!
Keep in mind... I was a single parent. I had to work a job! She would make sure to show up at the house, offer her present (with insult) before I got home at 5:30pm.
By the time I got home, from work, I was already the bad guy and I didn't even realize.
Thank Gawd....those boys are now adults... and parents themselves. They are now dealing with divorce situations with their children.
They are now awakening to the *games* that people play.
Do you wish to be a victim? I am reading a story of survival, and courage. You raised your children as a single parent. Your mother may have been difficult, but how does that matter? You survived. That is pretty awesome.
I feel for you, most people will never know and can't fathom having a parent like that. My own mom has borderline personality disorder, I knew something was wrong with her but didn't realize how messed the crap she did was up until recently. If you can, talk to a counselor. They can help you set boundaries.
Thank goodness you're all grown up and don't have to live with mom anymore!
High five and welcome to the club! My mother was a narcissistic, verbally and physically abusive b**ch when I was a kid. I did get her to stop beating me when I was in my teens--because I told her I could take her. But, the weird behavior and verbal abuse continued for years. I really liked my dad, but he couldn't stop her. I was happy to leave that house. When I was married and would visit, she'd still pull that crud on me. Really? I finally forced her into therapy and she didn't have nearly as much energy when she was a senior. We finally became friends. Stranger things have happened.
Mother is now dead. I spent the last 4yrs of HER life..... being her 24/7 Caregiver. It was a multitude of issues that caused me to make that decision. Part of it was financial... but part of it, was.... I needed to prove to her.... or maybe I needed to prove to myself???.... that I was better than her??? The more I think about it... the more complicated it gets!
I don't need therapy anymore...... well.... <sometimes>.... when reading some of these forum replies. LOLOL Sometimes I just want to go postal on some of these replies.
The truth be told.... many decades ago.... I WAS IN THERAPY! Then the therapist handed me a wallet sized card to keep next to my <whatever>
Ya know what it said? It said.... "You're not a Victim! You are a Survivor! Love God"..... and that was the moment my life changed!
[quote=springazure;38245382]Mother is now dead. I spent the last 4yrs of HER life..... being her 24/7 Caregiver. It was a multitude of issues that caused me to make that decision. Part of it was financial... but part of it, was.... I needed to prove to her.... or maybe I needed to prove to myself???.... that I was better than her??? The more I think about it... the more complicated it gets!
Springazure-you did the "Right thing" regardless of your mom's bad behavior over the years, you personally did the "Right thing" for your mom, and as human beings, that's all any of us can do. A narcissist, from all definitions, doesn't seem to be able to feel "empathy" for others outside of themselves, and most medical documents say there is no treatment to remediate someone with npd. I went through something similar with my dad when I was 25....he was dying from cancer...I needed to show him I was worthy of his respect and his love. I, and I would bet you too, didn't receive that affirmation I was so working hard for in doing all I did for him during his last months on earth, that I wanted. I know that for myself,this affected my future relationships with women as I found myself in relationships that were not good for me, one way or another, and put all effort into loving more, doing more etc. to make it work instead of realizing what was best for me was to walk away It was "Familiar". It's much harder to walk away from a parent or another family member, regardless of the pain they caused you.
As a couple others have said, you survived, you managed to raise your own children into adulthood. I hope that throughout the years through your experience and your counseling, that you are at peace with what you had to endure and realize that "None of it was your fault or had anything to do with you or anything else other than the fact your mom had an illness that brought you great pain and hardship".
I had some therapy about my own Narcissistic Mom, and in the end its up to me to change how I react. I will never be close, can never confide or trust her. She is basically dead to me. Just last week I became so upset that I contacted a suicide prevention chat. Her goal is to cause havoc, so that she doesn't have to deal with herself. She made me into a person who has been abused by others, because that's all I know. One of my biggest problems, is that every person in her life has told me how she acts, violently, inappropriate, constantly starting fights with everyone, but they won't back me up. I am her special target. I am getting ready to go no contact on her again. I would never introduce a man to my mom, because she would tell them bad things about me and try to sabotage. I could go on for days, but the bottom line is it's up to me to set boundaries, meaning little to no contact. Good luck!
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