My mental issues. (cancer, pain, deal, thoughts)

[Smetenjak]

Hello everyone. I am 20 years old. Life starts beautifully, everything is new and fun for you. I lived in ideal small village in the mountains, everything was great joy, hanging out with your kid friends and cherry trees, eating, playing with other kids beautiful childhood games, i had tons of lego to play with, little cars to drive around my room... My father told me that when i found out what is death, i cried for 3 days... That was a clear signal. lol
And when everything bad started, i was 17 years old, i remember, i just returned from the beach, i was at vacation. And then jitters showed up without reason. I wasn't afraid of anything, but jitters would just come at every Sun set, it was few days like that. Then my own hands started to freak me out, then i was obsessed with breathing, i started to think that i could forget how to breathe, yes, crazy, i know. I got huge panic attack, i calmed my self somehow with water, sugar and some prayer. And since then i was always thinking about death, illnesses that could get me, my own body was freaking me out, i was avoiding to look at my hands, because my hands would remind me of myself. It was hell which lasted for around 2 years... I remember, i would carry some sugar in my pocket if i get panic attack. Few times i almost fainted. Those fears, jitters, that would show up at every sun set and leave at sun rise, that fear, black thoughts, few times i wanted to jump out from the window at my head, but i didn't do it, because i am kinda believer and to be honest, it would hurt to fall down your head. And because of my mental problems, i got lonely, my childhood friends moved on with their lives, they started parting, drinking, having girlfriends, i didn't have time nor desire for that. So i ended up as 20 years old lonely man with no experience or socialization needed for this age. And i wouldn't mind it, if those fears could just go away from me. I feel fine now, i get jitters, and those fears, when i hear that someone dies, gets heart attack, or some cancer, but i recover after few days.
I also got hypochondria, lol. I remember, if i get a bit pain in my stomach, i would think my appendix is wrong. Or if i eat too much cake, i would get diabetes, or if i eat something that has too much fat, that i could get heart attack from it. So i was eating really like a bird, i would refuse most delicious meals... But i don't do that anymore.
Almost all my panic attacks before were about hypochondria and my own body freaking me out, i remember my last panic attack was around 1 year ago, and it was about, that nothing has meaning. I remember i was at one big bus station, everyone was rushing, and then bad thoughts came just from no where, that nothing has meaning, because we are all going to die in agony and pain. I remember for every person in that crowd in my thoughts i asked my self, why the hell is he/she doing that, he/she is going to die anyway. I remember one old grandma pulling huge bag, i asked myself, why the hell is she travelling with that huge bag, she is going to day in like, 2 years maybe. It was horrible, for each person there i thought everything is meaningless, i got huge panic attack because of that, but i survived.
Just thinking about, yeee, you get born, you jump around, and then BOOM, you get some horrible illness and you die slowly in fear and pain. I have never kissed a girl, i am not complaining about that, but just to show you how sad this is. lol
If i freaked out about death at age of 20, how am i going to act when and if i get 40, 60...? The thought about that creeps me out. I am a coward... I wish i was never born, i cant stand this responsibility. I don't know why i wrote you all of this, i guess i wanted to share with you, maybe give me some diagnosis.
Thanks.

[nightlysparrow]

Strangely, your story sounds like what happened to this guy at age 16:

Interview on Sri Ramana Maharshi's life and teachings, p.1