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My partner of over three years has been morose, depressed, and has possessed low self-esteem since before I even met him. He also suffers from severe anxiety that has detrimentally impacted his ability to achieve any sort of personal worth or success professionally. He has occasional manic episodes where he won't blink, will talk in a different voice, and then run to the kitchen to grab a knife and threaten to kill himself without my direct intervention. He has a high IQ, two Bachelor's Degrees, and has chosen to work as a "permatemp" mailroom clerk for a staffing agency since graduating college in 2009 because he doesn't feel like he "can" do better or "deserves" to do better, despite a red-hot economy in our city. We're both 27. While I've risen to management of a small business and am planning to start my own business venture in a few years once my student loans and other debts are paid down, my partner has no goals or dreams. He is a heavy smoker, and he won't quit because he says he wants to die young anyways because he doesn't want to get old.
Prior to moving to Pittsburgh from Northern Virginia (NoVA) in 2010 I was diagnosed with "Savior Syndrome" and was in therapy for months until I was finally advised to pursue a change of scenery and a fresh start. I tried unsuccessfully to court an alcoholic who ended up being psychologically abusive towards me. I saw his addiction and thought I could help to "save" him. After giving up on him I began to fall romantically for a colleague whom I suspected might have also had feelings for me. After finally gathering up the bravado to ask him out he rejected me, telling me he wasn't looking for a long-term relationship. Shortly thereafter I was invited to a party where I witnessed this colleague and my ex-interest making out in his kitchen, drunk. That's when I learned they were a couple.
I began to meddle for two different reasons:
1.) I didn't want my colleague to fall into the same "I can fix this alcoholic" trap I had fallen into and wanted to "save" him from the eventual heartache (that did, in fact, occur, and it DID occur hard).
2.) I was being a bit selfish and was feeling distraught, wondering how my interest could pursue and prefer a "problem child" over someone who had treated him like a brother.
To cut this long story short I tried so hard to rally my colleague to NOT become too invested in this psychologically-damaging drunk that he eventually threatened to go to the police and file a restraining order against me. That's when I backed off. Unfortunately in the process I also lost a number of great mutual friends, who, not knowing the entire backstory, just presumed I was a crazy jilted ex-lover or something and wanted to distance themselves from me. I knew all along, just like a game of chess, what the eventual outcome would be. They split, and they split horribly, with a lot of heartache and individual therapy themselves. I wanted to "save" my colleague from enduring that, and it took therapy of my own to realize "saving" people is wrong.
It took me a while to fully recover from that mess in NoVA, including the loss of my career, and I vowed to never again end up with the "Savior Syndrome" or "White Knight Syndrome". Here we go again, though, only now I'm heavily invested in a relationship with someone who was told this backstory up-front, was told I didn't want to "save" anyone, and who now won't get help on his own and is also telling me to NOT help him. What should I do? Do I disregard the advice of my prior therapist and try to "save" him, or do I just continue in this loveless relationship with someone who is depressed, suicidal, and manic? I work 70 hours per week, am the token "gay friend I can ***** about my own boyfriend to" for straight female friends, and come home to take care of his dog, whom he can barely care for, and to try to keep saving him from himself. We haven't had sex in months, and the last time we did was a drunken three-way with his best female friend's "straight" ex-fiance, whom he paid full attention towards while ignoring me.
I'm running out of options. I'm a basketcase of stress. Everything sets me off anymore. I have limited to no patience now. I blare my horn at people who turn in front of me without signaling. I drive around jaywalkers instead of yielding to them. I give dirty glares to people who take too long in front of me in line. My own sex drive has been severely hampered due to chronic stress and tension in my back and shoulders. People on the Pittsburgh sub-forum, where I frequently post, more or less call me a jerk nowadays.
Please help! If I cut him loose, and he hurts himself, am I to blame? If I disregard my prior therapist's advice and try to "save" him again by forcing him to seek counseling, then will I need my own therapist all over again? Should I just let things go and accept that he's always going to be mentally ill? His own family acts like nothing is wrong, but then again he lives four hours away from them, so who knows how much they really know.
Please get yourself back into therapy tomorrow. You were in therapy for four months? It wasn't any where near long enough. All you learned was to put a name on your " white knight syndrome".
You never learned what caused it, how to deal with it, how to move beyond it. Because none of that was resolved, you just picked up moved to another city and put yourself back into the same type of relationship. You recreated the same pattern.
No, you are not responsible for what your " friend " does to himself. That's emotional blackmail on his part. You cannot fix people, you cannot rescue people. You definitely cannot force anyone to do what you want them to do. The best you can do is to encourage someone to get help. It's their choice whether to do so or not.
At this point in time you are spiraling downward into being a very unstable person yourself. First you have to help yourself. You have to work on you. Your mental health comes first. You're going to cause an accident on the road, hurting yourself and possibly others too. For what?
You would probably do best to get your self out of the situation you are now in and live by yourself for a very long time. Steer clear of romantic relationships. Get into therapy and concentrate on helping yourself without the added stress of entanglements with others. You've got to learn how to recognize and how to avoid toxic people. Right now you are a moth to their flame. That's not healthy.
Therapy takes time, lots of it. But it can work, work quite successfully if you stick with it, listen to your therapist and avoid the situations that create the repeating pattern. Good luck
I've never heard of White Knight/Savior syndrome but it sounds to me like you are what used to be known as a "control freak".
Learn to accept the world for what it is, not what you would like it to be. Other people are not perfect and neither are you, give yourself and others a break.
Slow down, stop working so many hours, it's unhealthy.
What's the point of a loveless relationship?
Move on, maybe you will both be happier.
Another thought: are you consuming a lot of caffeine? That could explain the angry, aggressive driving, lack of patience etc.
My partner of over three years has been morose, depressed, and has possessed low self-esteem since before I even met him. He also suffers from severe anxiety that has detrimentally impacted his ability to achieve any sort of personal worth or success professionally. He has occasional manic episodes where he won't blink, will talk in a different voice, and then run to the kitchen to grab a knife and threaten to kill himself without my direct intervention. He has a high IQ, two Bachelor's Degrees, and has chosen to work as a "permatemp" mailroom clerk for a staffing agency since graduating college in 2009 because he doesn't feel like he "can" do better or "deserves" to do better, despite a red-hot economy in our city. We're both 27. While I've risen to management of a small business and am planning to start my own business venture in a few years once my student loans and other debts are paid down, my partner has no goals or dreams. He is a heavy smoker, and he won't quit because he says he wants to die young anyways because he doesn't want to get old.
Prior to moving to Pittsburgh from Northern Virginia (NoVA) in 2010 I was diagnosed with "Savior Syndrome" and was in therapy for months until I was finally advised to pursue a change of scenery and a fresh start. I tried unsuccessfully to court an alcoholic who ended up being psychologically abusive towards me. I saw his addiction and thought I could help to "save" him. After giving up on him I began to fall romantically for a colleague whom I suspected might have also had feelings for me. After finally gathering up the bravado to ask him out he rejected me, telling me he wasn't looking for a long-term relationship. Shortly thereafter I was invited to a party where I witnessed this colleague and my ex-interest making out in his kitchen, drunk. That's when I learned they were a couple.
I began to meddle for two different reasons:
1.) I didn't want my colleague to fall into the same "I can fix this alcoholic" trap I had fallen into and wanted to "save" him from the eventual heartache (that did, in fact, occur, and it DID occur hard).
2.) I was being a bit selfish and was feeling distraught, wondering how my interest could pursue and prefer a "problem child" over someone who had treated him like a brother.
To cut this long story short I tried so hard to rally my colleague to NOT become too invested in this psychologically-damaging drunk that he eventually threatened to go to the police and file a restraining order against me. That's when I backed off. Unfortunately in the process I also lost a number of great mutual friends, who, not knowing the entire backstory, just presumed I was a crazy jilted ex-lover or something and wanted to distance themselves from me. I knew all along, just like a game of chess, what the eventual outcome would be. They split, and they split horribly, with a lot of heartache and individual therapy themselves. I wanted to "save" my colleague from enduring that, and it took therapy of my own to realize "saving" people is wrong.
It took me a while to fully recover from that mess in NoVA, including the loss of my career, and I vowed to never again end up with the "Savior Syndrome" or "White Knight Syndrome". Here we go again, though, only now I'm heavily invested in a relationship with someone who was told this backstory up-front, was told I didn't want to "save" anyone, and who now won't get help on his own and is also telling me to NOT help him. What should I do? Do I disregard the advice of my prior therapist and try to "save" him, or do I just continue in this loveless relationship with someone who is depressed, suicidal, and manic? I work 70 hours per week, am the token "gay friend I can ***** about my own boyfriend to" for straight female friends, and come home to take care of his dog, whom he can barely care for, and to try to keep saving him from himself. We haven't had sex in months, and the last time we did was a drunken three-way with his best female friend's "straight" ex-fiance, whom he paid full attention towards while ignoring me.
I'm running out of options. I'm a basketcase of stress. Everything sets me off anymore. I have limited to no patience now. I blare my horn at people who turn in front of me without signaling. I drive around jaywalkers instead of yielding to them. I give dirty glares to people who take too long in front of me in line. My own sex drive has been severely hampered due to chronic stress and tension in my back and shoulders. People on the Pittsburgh sub-forum, where I frequently post, more or less call me a jerk nowadays.
Please help! If I cut him loose, and he hurts himself, am I to blame? If I disregard my prior therapist's advice and try to "save" him again by forcing him to seek counseling, then will I need my own therapist all over again? Should I just let things go and accept that he's always going to be mentally ill? His own family acts like nothing is wrong, but then again he lives four hours away from them, so who knows how much they really know.
It's all but impossible to save someone else when you yourself are in such need of saving
THERAPY. LOTS OF THERAPY.
Please call and make an appt asap.
Also consider a letter or call to your boyfriends family to alert them to the seriousness of his mental illness. They need to know just how sick he really is.
I've never heard of White Knight/Savior syndrome but it sounds to me like you are what used to be known as a "control freak".
Learn to accept the world for what it is, not what you would like it to be. Other people are not perfect and neither are you, give yourself and others a break.
Slow down, stop working so many hours, it's unhealthy.
What's the point of a loveless relationship?
Move on, maybe you will both be happier.
Another thought: are you consuming a lot of caffeine? That could explain the angry, aggressive driving, lack of patience etc.
Good post. I had many of the same thoughts. He's not 'saving' anyone, he's trying to control his partner. I'd bet he decides everything in the relationship, even wanting to control what his partner does for work. Control Freak is the right term. Who wants to have sex with someone who is trying to control their entire life?
It's rather frightening to think of him driving. Can we say "road rage"?
I also agree with the poster who said Steel City needs therapy, for a long time. For therapy to be effective, it takes years. We have to uncover what's wrong, how we got that way, why are lives aren't working for us, and then how to fix it. I am shocked that any therapist would recommend quitting a job and moving as any sort of 'cure'. It's a ridiculous notion that a move would fix anything. 'The fault likes not within our stars, but within ourselves'. Sad that Steel City thought another city would magically fix him. If a therapist really told him that, he should lose his license.
Steel, please get out of this bad relationship and devote yourself to fixing your life. You deserve to be happy, and you're obviously not. Find a therapist who you can relate to, and stick with it. It will be the best money you ever spent.
I'd rather be happy alone than sick with someone else. You and your partner both need help. You cannot help him or anyone else until you help yourself. It's like on the airplane, you have to put on your own oxygen mask before you try to help someone else. Get out of this sick relationship and get help. Let your partner do the same thing. You can't save him or control his actions. That's up to him.
So far as careers go, there is NO REASON for your partner to get a "better" job or a higher paying job!
Along with those jobs comes more stress. Many people are quite happy making less money and living a more simple life. Actually a few "big shot" executives I've known have told me they wish they had a simple job working in fast food or something - less stress!
So your partner may be the smart one. Leave his career alone.
Other than that, "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink!" That means you can suggest to your partner that he do this or that. If he chooses not to listen to your advice, then there is NOTHING more you can do. Forget about it and go have some fun.
I take things a step further. I don't give advice or suggest things to people unless they ASK ME FOR HELP first.
What happened to the OP? He got lots of good advice here, I hope he took it, I especially hope that he gets into therapy and sticks with it. It's a long life if you have to go through it frustrated, unhappy, and as angry as the OP he. Everyone has the potential to be happy, but most of us need to learn how to do that. We can't fix other people but we can work on fixing ourselves, with someone who can help guide us down that path. Most people aren't born knowing how to deal with life's frustrations in ways that work. There's no shame in needing help in learning how to be happy. The only thing worse than wasting 27 years being angry and miserable is to waste 27 years and another day being angry and miserable. Before you know it, you've wasted your whole life being that way when you could have learned other ways to cope that would have left you much happier in life.
Reach out and get the help that you need and learn how to have a happier life!
I was adopted at birth into a family where the mother had miscarriages and an infant death after a live birth. i was the "fix it" baby for a woman severely depressed and narcicisstic. i'm finding as an adult that I feel others pain deeply and have an instinctive need to try and fix it for them. As such, I continue to attract needy people, either emotionally or financially. i cant afford to continue to take in other people's burdens, either for my physical, emotional or financial health. But how do I stop the feelings and this instinct to help others even at my own detriment? I dont believe there is a pill for this one. Anyone else had any successes in this area and if so, how did you do it?
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