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Having gone to therpapists I have concluded they were all pretty screwed up themselves. A therapist can offer some suggestions, but if they dont take within a month or so, logically, what can they actually do for you? They can't cure you, they can't change your life for you, they can't erase your past or predict your future. They get paid to listen but whatever wisdom they can impart is generally imparted in the first few visits.
A few people have suggested group therapy. My cousin met her future husband in group therapy and they have been married for close to 50 years. As other posters have said, it offers a safe environment to share and socialize. Seems like it would be worth a try.
The other thing I would say is there are things you have to be grateful for, so be grateful for them. Think of what you have instead of what you don't have. You may be exactly where you should be. Look at it that way. Look at the glass half full instead of half empty. Sure they are platitudes but they are true. The way you look at things is the biggest factor in how they effect you positively or negatively. Give up labeling yourself and your past. It's a dead past that does you no good. Reliving your story keeps you stuck to it. Live in the present. You are you. Be yourself. Do the best you can with what you have. Don't judge yourself by what you think others have that you don't.
Having had incidents of serious depression, I found meds to help in the short term but not in the long term. My medication of choice was alcohol, but you have to know when to cut back. Serious depression is different than panic attacks or being scared or just miserable. Serious depression is when food has no taste and you lose 20 lbs in a few weeks, the TV set is a box of colors and noises that don't penetrate your brain, and nothing gets you interested or out of the deep dark black pit you live in. Pills or alcohol didn't help. What got me out of bed was my wife telling me to get out of bed and get back to work or she would have me committed that day. The only thing that got rid of my depression was accepting I might never get out of it but deciding to go through the motions, go to work, pay the bills, eat, sleep. When I stopped fighting my depression, stopped wanting to feel normal, just accepted it, it evaporated within a few months.
Bob,
Thank you for sharing your personal story and struggles. It's a big help for me to read accounts of others who have faced similar issues to mine.
I think you are right regarding therapists and what they can actually do for a person. Obviously they can be very helpful and can and do save lives. But no therapist can actually "fix" a person or his/her problems, at least not in a general sense. In my case, just having a trained person to sit there and be receptive to my troubles and issues (and to also offer feedback) is of great help. My unloading all of my baggage in a therapist's office is very cathartic, and it's that catharsis that I feel is the greatest benefit that I have gleamed from therapy. Just having someone to talk to and confide in helps me to simply feel somewhat better. But in my darker moments or when I'm feeling especially gloomy and dreary, talking doesn't seem to do much, and it's in those moments where I think maybe I expect too much from the therapist; I think in those instances I actually expect the therapist to actually "fix me" or swoop in like Superman and "save the day!" so to speak, and I know that that is irrational.
And thank you for reminding me to focus on being grateful. I too often fail to see the good or the positives in my life, instead focusing on all that is wrong or all that is broken. Too often I have an extremely pessimistic and caustic world and life view, and that only compounds my day-to-day struggles. I do realize that compared to many other people in the world, my life is not that bad, and that I do have much to be thankful for. But I often fail to remember that. And I also fail to realize that I do have value and worth and ability and talent, so it's not as if I am just this blob of depressed uselessness, which I often times do feel. I definitely have a perspective problem, with my perspective too often stilted towards the negative, and I know that I have to work on changing that if I want to feel and function better.
My questions would be 1) are you being completely honest with your therapist about your feelings; not minimizing or omitting important details? and 2) are you willing to do the hard work to change your situation? A little tough love here: a good therapist will challenge you, question you, and really tick you off sometimes. Effective does not equal nice when it comes to therapists. If the therapist gives you concrete homework assignments, will you do them? If the assignment is to make a list of five pleasurable activities you did during the week, will you do the activities?
You will not "fix" your depression by just talking about it. There has to be cognitive (thought) and behavior change to get you moving both physically and mentally. It's not going to be a lot of fun and you're not going to want to do all the things you need to do because of the very nature of depression, but that is what works. And I would encourage you to only read scholarly/reliable information about anti-depressants as opposed to anecdotes on the Internet. Here's one:
Thank you for your initial response and this subsequent response. I didn't necessarily ignore your initial question, but I didn't jump at answering it right away, either, mainly because I wanted to address some of the other responses that more closely answered or addressed my initial questions, at least in terms of the day-to-day impacts of being severely depressed while feeling as if I was not being adequately understood by my therapist. I sometimes feel as if I am nearing a crisis mode, and in those instances, trying to focus on simply "thinking more positively" rings somewhat hollow, even though it is sound advice for sure.
But you raised good points. I do spend an inordinate amount of time thinking negatively, and I often feel awash in just an overall negative, morbid reality. And I know that the only way to actively change that reality is by changing my thinking, my thought patterns. I've become very adept at thinking negatively over the years, and I know that I have to change that if I want to improve and feel better.
Thank you again for your input.
This is great progress.
Negative thinking is a habit. I know because I am working on changing my thinking habits.
If you can distract yourself from upsetting topics, that is one way to feel better.
If you make a list of the things you like/love to do and do them, that will help.
Everything is to build healthier habits and build momentum in the positive direction.
Each negative thought can be replaced by a "better feeling thought" and better feeling thoughts will result in you feeling better.
Just baby steps to change lifelong negative patterns.
Having gone to therpapists I have concluded they were all pretty screwed up themselves. A therapist can offer some suggestions, but if they dont take within a month or so, logically, what can they actually do for you? They can't cure you, they can't change your life for you, they can't erase your past or predict your future. They get paid to listen but whatever wisdom they can impart is generally imparted in the first few visits.
A few people have suggested group therapy. My cousin met her future husband in group therapy and they have been married for close to 50 years. As other posters have said, it offers a safe environment to share and socialize. Seems like it would be worth a try.
The other thing I would say is there are things you have to be grateful for, so be grateful for them. Think of what you have instead of what you don't have. You may be exactly where you should be. Look at it that way. Look at the glass half full instead of half empty. Sure they are platitudes but they are true. The way you look at things is the biggest factor in how they effect you positively or negatively. Give up labeling yourself and your past. It's a dead past that does you no good. Reliving your story keeps you stuck to it. Live in the present. You are you. Be yourself. Do the best you can with what you have. Don't judge yourself by what you think others have that you don't.
Having had incidents of serious depression, I found meds to help in the short term but not in the long term. My medication of choice was alcohol, but you have to know when to cut back. Serious depression is different than panic attacks or being scared or just miserable. Serious depression is when food has no taste and you lose 20 lbs in a few weeks, the TV set is a box of colors and noises that don't penetrate your brain, and nothing gets you interested or out of the deep dark black pit you live in. Pills or alcohol didn't help. What got me out of bed was my wife telling me to get out of bed and get back to work or she would have me committed that day. The only thing that got rid of my depression was accepting I might never get out of it but deciding to go through the motions, go to work, pay the bills, eat, sleep. When I stopped fighting my depression, stopped wanting to feel normal, just accepted it, it evaporated within a few months.
Therapy, with a good therapist at least, is an ongoing exercise. Its like going to the gym every week. It takes about a couple of years to permanently change synaptic connections, only if you apply your self consistently. Its hard work. A good therapist doesn't just listen. That would be entirely useless. Also its fine if the therapist is in therapy themselves - that doesn't matter. The gym trainer might be out of shape but can still motivate you each day and tell you what exercises you need to be doing and push you harder to get you into shape. As with the gym, in therapy you have to do the hard work (and at home too in the case of therapy).
Therapy isn't some magic epiphany that goes ding! in week 3 and then its all over. (Though epiphanies do occur, they are not the change per se, they just assist the change). Its difficult for the brain to understand itself alone. A second brain, or more, is usually required. Meta-cognition don't come easy, nor does self-honesty. And well-worn neural pathways, default ones which are negative, take a long time to change, both physiologically and psychiatrically. Chances are one doesn't have the discipline to do it alone. As I've said elsewhere tho, there are plenty of mediocre or bad therapists, just like any profession.
Just a note: I had asked "Are you opposed to positive ideas?" and you completely ignored the question - which indicates you ARE opposed to positive ideas.
This could be why you are so depressed.
If you keep focusing on the negative, it will expand. It's a law of the universe. You might want to look into that if you would like to feel better. Everyone is capable of feeling better because feelings are influenced by thought and you can always think more positive (feeling better) thoughts.
FYI
I wouldn't get that impression. Partly out of survival, and partly self protection, I throw up a shield with people who see the less that unconditionally positive as a great fault. Or maybe they haven't ever been there. Or someone else solved the problem for them. Those of us who don't make a decision without deep analysis, no matter how great it sounds, have had the chance to see that life sometimes dispenses very muddled answers, and mostly isn't simple. And in the end most of it is choosing the least bad and the best worse. But keeping a escape tunnel ready at all times, we back up our caution. But if you see us when we're in a 'good' place, then you only see half.
Some people make 'friends' very easily, and have lots of them but they tend to drift off after the immediate reason they met. They may remain casual friends, but the deeper things they let be seen were them. We tend to be social beings, thought some choose not to be. They are often those who got hurt in exchange for trusting someone who was just playing a role that day.
I was on a greater selection of mood stabilizers, AD's, and other stuff for some years, and remember nothing of it. They weren't working. I'd told the doctor I don't absorb from pills reliably, and it may all hit me at once or hardly at all. It was ignored. That was a medical condition which was responsibe. He was a psych doc so he ignored things not of his genre of science. But I found the DBSA (Depressive and Bipolar association) and started going there. It wasn't doctors but fellow suffers. Nobody said not to talk about drugs which failed them. And as I didn't feel alone, I started to find ways to be stronger. I also backed all but a base dose of all the meds. Later I backed out of that. I have become very sensitive to things which knock you down, and sometimes but often send you dancing to the ceiling too. I feel like when you took away the far extremes, and still danced but without it wiping everything away, you could deal with reality. Our goals shouldn't be perfection, but sufficent flexability we can be ourselves without losing our paddles and drifting. And maybe we'll never be what people call 'normal', but then may others aren't either, just hide it better.
When things have been bad I've been known to keep a list of things which are sinking, and see this shining place off in the distance, but the pathway is too scary to manage. Sometimes putting it in real cold hard words can make all the difference but we alone can choose to be up to the journey.
So I say, keep being yourself. And life IS complicated, and sometimes sad, and somethings overwhelming, and sometimes fearsome, but we must be the little engine who could and navigate it until we're away from the storm, and find our new direction when the storm has calmed.
Therapy, with a good therapist at least, is an ongoing exercise. Its like going to the gym every week. It takes about a couple of years to permanently change synaptic connections, only if you apply your self consistently. Its hard work. A good therapist doesn't just listen. That would be entirely useless. Also its fine if the therapist is in therapy themselves - that doesn't matter. The gym trainer might be out of shape but can still motivate you each day and tell you what exercises you need to be doing and push you harder to get you into shape. As with the gym, in therapy you have to do the hard work (and at home too in the case of therapy).
Therapy isn't some magic epiphany that goes ding! in week 3 and then its all over. (Though epiphanies do occur, they are not the change per se, they just assist the change). Its difficult for the brain to understand itself alone. A second brain, or more, is usually required. Meta-cognition don't come easy, nor does self-honesty. And well-worn neural pathways, default ones which are negative, take a long time to change, both physiologically and psychiatrically. Chances are one doesn't have the discipline to do it alone. As I've said elsewhere tho, there are plenty of mediocre or bad therapists, just like any profession.
What worked for me was a support with chapters everywhere there is a medical health dept. Its not run by counties but usually affiliated with it. But its also social. Meetings take care of the normal meeting stuff, for the members run the chapters. And after a meeting everyone goes out to lunch. New people are encouraged to go. Older members who are low on cash get their meal bought. But its about having a safe place to say all those things you don't want anyone to ovehear. I can't properly absorb medications (old surgery) and was getting bounced around the room on the mood stabilizer. I started cutting it back very slowly. I had quit a couple of pills a dose when our meeting came and I explained. The audience knew how over worked county doctors don't have the time, but so long as I came and gave a report, even our county rep thought it a good idea.
So therapy doesn't have to be a doctor with his degrees but can be peers and other trained people who know how to talk it out, and while it feels like a friendly place.
I reccomend DBSA to anyone who's trying to untangle the pieces that keep them behind the invisible fence. Being able to talk and be *open* about things takes them from being scary objects to things you share with others, and once you don't have to bundle it all up inside, you can clean away the trash and shine up the rest and let in the sunshine.
Most health depts have a chapter so if you call Mental Health they should be able to point you to the right people.
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