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I believe our daughter in law suffers from adult separation anxiety disorder. Does anyone have a professional opinion about how to deal with this? My son and her are newlyweds of two years and he was just assigned a position out of state and she is giving the excuse that she needs to stay at her current job which happens to be 10 minutes from her mothers house rather than moving to another state with her husband. This is a red flag as when they got their first apartment together several months before they were married the day they moved into their apartment they had to have her mother come down for a few days as she was anxious about leaving her parents home. It is not like she is 21 years old she is 29. Can anyone give suggestions of how to deal with this. She has my son believing that it really is her job situationThat is keeping her up north living with her parents rather than down with him which is nine hours away from her parents home. She says she will continue to apply for jobs yet she received a job offer and is not taking it. She continues to work at her previous company and live at her mothers this is been going on for two months. Any advice would be greatly appreciated
I think that she is still attached to her parents and feel safe living near them. Maybe in the past she never lived apart of them like travelled, lived in another city/state when she was in school etc.
Maybe she was always sheltered and most decisions were made by them? Insecure and not very independent, or/and afraid to leave familiar places and faces?
I believe our daughter in law suffers from adult separation anxiety disorder. Does anyone have a professional opinion about how to deal with this? My son and her are newlyweds of two years and he was just assigned a position out of state and she is giving the excuse that she needs to stay at her current job which happens to be 10 minutes from her mothers house rather than moving to another state with her husband. This is a red flag as when they got their first apartment together several months before they were married the day they moved into their apartment they had to have her mother come down for a few days as she was anxious about leaving her parents home. It is not like she is 21 years old she is 29. Can anyone give suggestions of how to deal with this. She has my son believing that it really is her job situationThat is keeping her up north living with her parents rather than down with him which is nine hours away from her parents home. She says she will continue to apply for jobs yet she received a job offer and is not taking it. She continues to work at her previous company and live at her mothers this is been going on for two months. Any advice would be greatly appreciated
I can understand your concern. But this isn't your business, or your problem.
If she is 29, I am assuming he is close to that age also? So you're essentially saying she needs to cut the cord from her parents, yet you're interested in still being involved in his 'side'? That seems a little hypocritical. What is good enough for your son- your being involved and supporting him-- should be good enough for your daughter-in-law... Who is to say her parents aren't thinking your son should stay where she is Ok?- especially if she does have some sort of issues that makes her feel she wants to be closer to her family... Whereas you might see her as unwilling to go with the flow in the move, they might perceive her being abandoned (I'm not saying that's reality, but there is more than just one perception here to be cognizant of).
Even if it is her preference, she's allowed to feel that way, and that's between her and your son.
If you step back and support them for what They need, not your perception of what you think is 'right' for Their marriage, you might find yourself in a better position to help, because you can be in a true support role (in other words, just be there and help when they ask for it) and not trying to control when or where or how she moves (which sounds like is currently a behavior that is not helping for your peace of mind).
If your son is calling you, you need to stand firm that Mom should not be an intermediary in his marriage and that he needs to work this out with his wife. Pros and Cons if it comes to it, as simple as that might sound.
Also, maybe ask yourself why you feel the need to be involved in a way that you will be "right" about her, or their outcome.
I can understand your concern. But this isn't your business, or your problem.
If she is 29, I am assuming he is close to that age also? So you're essentially saying she needs to cut the cord from her parents, yet you're interested in still being involved in his 'side'? That seems a little hypocritical. What is good enough for your son- your being involved and supporting him-- should be good enough for your daughter-in-law... Who is to say her parents aren't thinking your son should stay where she is Ok?- especially if she does have some sort of issues that makes her feel she wants to be closer to her family... Whereas you might see her as unwilling to go with the flow in the move, they might perceive her being abandoned (I'm not saying that's reality, but there is more than just one perception here to be cognizant of).
Even if it is her preference, she's allowed to feel that way, and that's between her and your son.
If you step back and support them for what They need, not your perception of what you think is 'right' for Their marriage, you might find yourself in a better position to help, because you can be in a true support role (in other words, just be there and help when they ask for it) and not trying to control when or where or how she moves (which sounds like is currently a behavior that is not helping for your peace of mind).
If your son is calling you, you need to stand firm that Mom should not be an intermediary in his marriage and that he needs to work this out with his wife. Pros and Cons if it comes to it, as simple as that might sound.
Also, maybe ask yourself why you feel the need to be involved in a way that you will be "right" about her, or their outcome.
Good luck.
Great points, and I agree.
The times when a dutiful wife followed her husband wherever he went are long over.
We don't know if and how they discussed his move, and if she agreed to it or no. Perhaps she has her career to follow, perhaps she feels that she has no say so about herself anymore, perhaps there are other reasons - we don't know.
OP is showing lack of understanding of whatever happened between them but trying to push his agenda and even insinuating that she has some sort of a mental disorder.
Maybe she is sick and tired of this nagging and controlling, and moved back to her parents to get some respite?
Why the pressure about what job she is to apply or take?
Good advice to step back and stop influence or pressure her.
The above posts pretty much sum up what I was going to say also.
I really dislike the idea that if she isn't a follower, then she must be mentally ill. I also suspect she might be sensing some sort of problem with the move and following her instincts. If they are allowed to work out their problems without interference, it will strengthen the marriage.
I believe our daughter in law suffers from adult separation anxiety disorder. Does anyone have a professional opinion about how to deal with this? My son and her are newlyweds of two years and he was just assigned a position out of state and she is giving the excuse that she needs to stay at her current job which happens to be 10 minutes from her mothers house rather than moving to another state with her husband. This is a red flag as when they got their first apartment together several months before they were married the day they moved into their apartment they had to have her mother come down for a few days as she was anxious about leaving her parents home. It is not like she is 21 years old she is 29. Can anyone give suggestions of how to deal with this. She has my son believing that it really is her job situationThat is keeping her up north living with her parents rather than down with him which is nine hours away from her parents home. She says she will continue to apply for jobs yet she received a job offer and is not taking it. She continues to work at her previous company and live at her mothers this is been going on for two months. Any advice would be greatly appreciated
It sounds like it may be a form of agoraphobia. My cousin had a severe form, lived with his parents and wouldn't leave their home. It took psychotherapy and medication and he now leads a normal life and has relocated to another state.
It sounds like it may be a form of agoraphobia. My cousin had a severe form, lived with his parents and wouldn't leave their home. It took psychotherapy and medication and he now leads a normal life and has relocated to another state.
Huh? Another pro with quick diagnosis?? Mental illness, psychotherapy, medications??? Agoraphobia?
Please just stop.
She works. She used to live with her husband in an apartment or house. He moved to another state and she moved back home (maybe just temorarily). She might feel lonely and yes, "abandoned" by her husband.
No one said that she wouldn't leave her parents home and needs therapy.
Huh? Another pro with quick diagnosis?? Mental illness, psychotherapy, medications??? Agoraphobia?
Please just stop.
She works. She used to live with her husband in an apartment or house. He moved to another state and she moved back home (maybe just temorarily). She might feel lonely and yes, "abandoned" by her husband.
No one said that she wouldn't leave her parents home and needs therapy.
Pro? Quick diagnosis? Never claimed to be a pro or have a diagnosis. Suggested it might be based on her behavior of anxiety after moving from her parents home and moving into an apartment. (note bolded sentence). THere are gradations of agoraphobia. Not all are the extreme form of not leaving home.
We are all internet posters with opinions ... none more qualified than another. So, no I won't just stop because it doesn't conform to your theory.
The above posts pretty much sum up what I was going to say also.
I really dislike the idea that if she isn't a follower, then she must be mentally ill. I also suspect she might be sensing some sort of problem with the move and following her instincts. If they are allowed to work out their problems without interference, it will strengthen the marriage.
When they first started dating she knew he was going to pursue his career as an air traffic controller and when he passed the Academy she knew that he would be leaving to wherever he was assigned. She agreed to do this and then when they move actually came, she backed out. She has no friends she speaks to and they very quiet personality. I know she has been seeing a therapist on and off for many years for social phobias.
When they first started dating she knew he was going to pursue his career as an air traffic controller and when he passed the Academy she knew that he would be leaving to wherever he was assigned. She agreed to do this and then when they move actually came, she backed out. She has no friends she speaks to and they very quiet personality. I know she has been seeing a therapist on and off for many years for social phobias.
Totally understand the desire to help, as a Mom (and a "boy mom" at that).
But again, it's not your place... Unless they both-- not just your son-- have come to you expressly asking for suggestions to troubleshoot this issue.
Breaking away from having control of our kids out of the desire to help them is difficult when we have so much life experience to bestow. But, at the end of the day, it's their relationship and problem to work out. At some point we all need to detach with love and let our kids 'figure it out'. "Let" him be the strong husband that you probably really want him to be, and figure this out without your interference.
I get the feeling, from descriptions of her, that you don't seem to be her biggest fan, or, at the very least, willing to learn how to empathize- whether it is a situational issue right now or a larger mental health concern. It might be helpful to look at them as a team that needs support, rather than trying to assign blame to individuals.
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