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maybe someone else has been in a similar situation and can share how they dealt with it
I have an older sibling who is starting to become a health/safety/liability hazard.
I think he is somewhere on the autistic spectrum due to his behavior but cannot confirm since it was never a diagnosis. He had a CT scan done some 20 years ago and doctors discovered a benign(at the time) cyst in his brain. This was a long time ago so things could’ve changed. He refuses to follow up on it. He eventually got married and this was when things started getting out of control. He started having random outbursts of anger, getting physical with my parents and his now ex wife. He was not under the influence of any drugs or alcohol as far as we know. He was diagnosed with BP at the time but refused to take medication or seek therapy.
He steals money from my mom and uses her credit cards to buy snacks from the corner store(some $150 a month)
He has developed a dumpster diving/hoarding habit and it is unsanitary.
He will start cooking food on the stove but walk away and forget about it.
He will turn on the sink to wash his hands then walk off without turning it off.
He pours solids down the sink without thinking it’ll clog.
He opens the door for anybody who knocks.
He talks bad about random people without making sure they can’t hear. Overall nasty attitude which embarrasses whoever is with him.
He will go for a walk during a thunderstorm despite being told it is unsafe.
He refuses to seek any sort of medical treatment, even simple physicals or dental cleanings.
We have patiently taught him over and over of the proper way to do things. These days he will either throw a tantrum or deny he did anything wrong. It has became a burden for everybody as he doesn’t even attempt to take the spoon fed advice we give him.
At this point I don’t know what else can be done. If he can’t be independent, can’t at minimum act in a safe manner, too functional to be sent to a ward, not functional enough/willing to go to work…how does one go on in life?
My idea was to just “throw him to the wolves” so he is forced to fend for himself, but frankly seeing how he handles himself and does simple tasks around the house I really, really don’t believe he would last at any job.
Ideal outcome is he can obtain a job and support himself, even if that means requiring some assistance from family or he at minimum can some to his senses and realize the direction he is heading in. I mean, as a family we have offered him every opportunity for him to improve but it’s not possible if it can’t get through to him. Any improvement at this point is good.
We have helped him set up for a job at the local grocery store, and he was on board til morning of then he decides - in his own words - that the job is for poor people and that “he isn’t poor”. Ok, so if that’s not the right job we can look for another one. “Nah I’m good I’m don’t have time to work”. Anything past that he starts getting agitated. Mind you we are not a wealthy family. We can afford to put food on the table but we aren’t millionaires
I’d be fine to set up some sort of government disability assistance for him but when they interviewed him they deemed he was fit for employment therefore could not receive assistance.
So at this point - is there even any more outcomes left? Other than he goes homeless and becomes a burden on the public?
We have helped him set up for a job at the local grocery store, and he was on board til morning of then he decides - in his own words - that the job is for poor people and that “he isn’t poor”. Ok, so if that’s not the right job we can look for another one. “Nah I’m good I’m don’t have time to work”. Anything past that he starts getting agitated.
I’d be fine to set up some sort of government disability assistance for him but when they interviewed him they deemed he was fit for employment therefore could not receive assistance.
Hmm, this suggests that he sees no reason to become independent...his family is accepting/tolerating his abusive behavior and attitude to some degree. I know your hearts are in the right place and certainly understand the wish to help him avoid a life lived under a bridge, but at what point does that become enabling? Maybe he asks himself why should he change? He seems to know you'll step up and do the hard stuff (set up disability, assistance, help get him a job, keep a roof over his head, provide food, etc), right? You wrote that he refuses diagnosis, counseling or training but maybe he isn't the only one who needs it. Seems as if his family needs to learn how to help more productively without taking the slippery slope into enabling.
Last edited by Parnassia; 08-17-2023 at 02:45 PM..
maybe someone else has been in a similar situation and can share how they dealt with it
I have an older sibling who is starting to become a health/safety/liability hazard.
I think he is somewhere on the autistic spectrum due to his behavior but cannot confirm since it was never a diagnosis. He had a CT scan done some 20 years ago and doctors discovered a benign(at the time) cyst in his brain. This was a long time ago so things could’ve changed. He refuses to follow up on it. He eventually got married and this was when things started getting out of control. He started having random outbursts of anger, getting physical with my parents and his now ex wife. He was not under the influence of any drugs or alcohol as far as we know. He was diagnosed with BP at the time but refused to take medication or seek therapy.
He steals money from my mom and uses her credit cards to buy snacks from the corner store(some $150 a month)
He has developed a dumpster diving/hoarding habit and it is unsanitary.
He will start cooking food on the stove but walk away and forget about it.
He will turn on the sink to wash his hands then walk off without turning it off.
He pours solids down the sink without thinking it’ll clog.
He opens the door for anybody who knocks.
He talks bad about random people without making sure they can’t hear. Overall nasty attitude which embarrasses whoever is with him.
He will go for a walk during a thunderstorm despite being told it is unsafe.
He refuses to seek any sort of medical treatment, even simple physicals or dental cleanings.
We have patiently taught him over and over of the proper way to do things. These days he will either throw a tantrum or deny he did anything wrong. It has became a burden for everybody as he doesn’t even attempt to take the spoon fed advice we give him.
At this point I don’t know what else can be done. If he can’t be independent, can’t at minimum act in a safe manner, too functional to be sent to a ward, not functional enough/willing to go to work…how does one go on in life?
My idea was to just “throw him to the wolves” so he is forced to fend for himself, but frankly seeing how he handles himself and does simple tasks around the house I really, really don’t believe he would last at any job.
Is there a history of early onset dementia in your family? He really needs to be screened for it. His safety and the safety of those around him are at stake.
maybe he isn't the only one who needs it. Seems as if his family needs to learn how to help more productively without taking the slippery slope into enabling.
I agree on this part. My parents were very lax with him for years and allowed him to live under their roof despite his actions. Not excusing their behavior, but I think they didn’t know any better at the time. These recent years they have regretted their decision and they wish they had told him to move out after finishing high school. Yes, he has lived at home even when he was married.
To make matters worse now, he has full custody of a child due to his ex wife wanting nothing to do with him anymore. My parents are the child’s care takers, they watch, feed, cloth, and send the kid to school. He decides to step into the father role whenever he decides to, and yell at my parents for doing XYZ for kid, he will rip the kid’s homework up because he believes my parents are forcing her to do it. And the kid has to hand in half torn up homework. It’s embarrassing for everyone. Sometimes I don’t even like going over to my parents house because I don’t want anybody even remotely associating me with that.
I can understand why he was denied for disability. It sounds like he might be able to do some sort of work, perhaps grocery store bagging or stocking or something like that. OR if he is truly too low skills to do this (you mention the problems he has leaving the stove on and the water running and putting inappropriate things down the sink) then this might be supported if your brother had been seeing the doctor, had routine physicals to try to rule out dementia, scans to check on the brain cyst, etc, if he was describing the trouble he was having performing activities of daily living and if other family members were too. But because there is not medical evidence in place supporting this, there is only your argumentative brother, which is probably not going to win much support with a judge.
I would suggest that getting him to a doctor would be a priority, for multiple reasons. He needs to be evaluated for his own health to figure out what is going on. He is a safety hazard to himself and everyone he is living in a household with if he leaves the stove on. And if he is living with your parents then eventually they will no longer be alive and unless the plan is for him to move in with you, then he will become homeless. A doctor needs to evaluate him to figure out what is going on.
Is there a history of early onset dementia in your family? He really needs to be screened for it. His safety and the safety of those around him are at stake.
Dementia no. Autism, or at least what I believe is considered autism, yes. But not immediate family on either of my parents side, just distant cousins. Nobody was ever diagnosed with it but it’s just how their behavior falls inline with the spectrum.
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