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I can understand why he was denied for disability. It sounds like he might be able to do some sort of work, perhaps grocery store bagging or stocking or something like that. OR if he is truly too low skills to do this (you mention the problems he has leaving the stove on and the water running and putting inappropriate things down the sink) then this might be supported if your brother had been seeing the doctor, had routine physicals to try to rule out dementia, scans to check on the brain cyst, etc, if he was describing the trouble he was having performing activities of daily living and if other family members were too. But because there is not medical evidence in place supporting this, there is only your argumentative brother, which is probably not going to win much support with a judge.
I would suggest that getting him to a doctor would be a priority, for multiple reasons. He needs to be evaluated for his own health to figure out what is going on. He is a safety hazard to himself and everyone he is living in a household with if he leaves the stove on. And if he is living with your parents then eventually they will no longer be alive and unless the plan is for him to move in with you, then he will become homeless. A doctor needs to evaluate him to figure out what is going on.
This is what I believe is the most logical solution for this mess, but with his refusal to seek any sort of treatment makes it very hard to attempt. I mean a while back he had a period of irregular bowl movements(enough to be noticeable to people he was around). My parents has merely suggested he go see a doc because it is not normal, and he threw a fit for the rest of the week. Slamming doors, stomping, yelling, throwing things etc.
He is an adult so my parents do not have any legal authority anymore. I don’t even know where to begin, or if it’s even possible, to obtain legal control over him for the sake of treatment. I mean even if it runs across a judge they could easy deny the case, as he is competent in the eyes of the legal system and he knows enough to lie. Plus, with a child being in his custody I would imagine that’d be a very messy situation.
This is what I believe is the most logical solution for this mess, but with his refusal to seek any sort of treatment makes it very hard to attempt. I mean a while back he had a period of irregular bowl movements(enough to be noticeable to people he was around). My parents has merely suggested he go see a doc because it is not normal, and he threw a fit for the rest of the week. Slamming doors, stomping, yelling, throwing things etc.
He is an adult so my parents do not have any legal authority anymore. I don’t even know where to begin, or if it’s even possible, to obtain legal control over him for the sake of treatment. I mean even if it runs across a judge they could easy deny the case, as he is competent in the eyes of the legal system and he knows enough to lie. Plus, with a child being in his custody I would imagine that’d be a very messy situation.
That latter bit......this sibling has a child for whom he has custody???? How the heck did that happen and is that the main reason why your parents have continued to enable your brother?
Could it be that the cyst sit's in a part of his brain that causes this behavior?
Could you have him declared incompetent?
From my understanding it most likely has effect on his mental state, to what degree is unknown. I forget which part it is on but from what i can recall reading it is either where the brain processes short term memory and/or vision/hearing. All of which he has trouble with.
As far as being declared incompetent, he is competent enough in the eyes of the law.
That latter bit......this sibling has a child for whom he has custody???? How the heck did that happen and is that the main reason why your parents have continued to enable your brother?
It’s a long story. But basically because the ex wife was a workaholic it was my mom who took care of my niece from birth. She does not have the same bond with her birth mother. With consideration of the kid, and with birth mom not wanting to create the burden on the child, agreed to give up her share of custody. During the divorce process I mentioned that going for full custody was not going to be good long term, but since it wasn’t my deal my opinion didn’t carry much weight.
At the time my parents were still very enabling to the whole situation. They really didn’t change their stance until these past few years as they have been getting disrespected by my bother more and more. As they get older and I start building my career out, they’ve also realized this is not a sustainable situation.
Dementia no. Autism, or at least what I believe is considered autism, yes. But not immediate family on either of my parents side, just distant cousins. Nobody was ever diagnosed with it but it’s just how their behavior falls inline with the spectrum.
Has he always left food cooking on the stove and forgot about it, dumped thick food items down the sink not realizing that it would clog the sink, answered the front door and allowed anyone at all to come inside of the house, walked outside during thunderstorms completely oblivious of the dangers?
If this is new and worsening for him he needs to be checked for dementia.
If he refuses to go to the doctor, I don't know what to suggest. At some point he is going to get badly hurt or wind up hurting someone else.
From what you describe, it doesn't sound as though he is doing this to be obstinate. It's more that he lacks the mental capacity to understand what he is doing.
Has he always left food cooking on the stove and forgot about it, dumped thick food items down the sink not realizing that it would clog the sink, answered the front door and allowed anyone at all to come inside of the house, walked outside during thunderstorms completely oblivious of the dangers?
As far as I can remember when both of us were younger it wasn’t this bad. He would have issues more with coordination but nothing else. He wouldn’t forget the faucet, or empty a dust pan in the sink. About the time of the CT scan(mid teens) was when the issues started becoming more apparent. Over a couple of years it developed from having a nasty attitude to anger/aggressiveness. Vision got worse, hearing got worse, attitude got worse.
I would like to believe that he doesn’t have the mental capacity to understand what he’s doing because it would bring closure, but with him it’s a light switch.
Some things can be classified as not having the mental capacity such as the anger spurts, but then I’d see him purposely doing things such as feeding the pet dog human food when told not to - due to the dogs dietary restrictions. He will explicitly say “I know you’re not supposed to eat this but here you go” to the dog.
If I were to describe his mentality I would say it is comparable to a 10 year old. Between the tantrums and just the lack of care of a responsible adult, or even teenager, would be.
Last edited by Range; 08-17-2023 at 06:11 PM..
Reason: Spelling
It’s a long story. But basically because the ex wife was a workaholic it was my mom who took care of my niece from birth. She does not have the same bond with her birth mother. With consideration of the kid, and with birth mom not wanting to create the burden on the child, agreed to give up her share of custody. During the divorce process I mentioned that going for full custody was not going to be good long term, but since it wasn’t my deal my opinion didn’t carry much weight.
At the time my parents were still very enabling to the whole situation. They really didn’t change their stance until these past few years as they have been getting disrespected by my bother more and more. As they get older and I start building my career out, they’ve also realized this is not a sustainable situation.
I have to ask this: was your brother gainfully and consistently employed during his marriage? If he wasn't, is it really fair to call your former SIL a "workaholic" or was it a case of someone had to be a breadwinner in the household? (This probably had the added bonus of her not having to deal with what had to be one heck of a toxic marriage. Makes one wonder how the two of them hooked up for them long enough to marry and produce a child, but that's a story for another time or thread rather than this one.)
From the outside looking in and not knowing the entirely of your family dynamic as well as the age of your niece, is seems as though your parents trying for legal guardianship of your niece rather than your brother having full custody and the responsibilities that come with it would be a wise move since he seems to be very unstable to the point of it perhaps causing issues as your niece grows into adolescence/young adulthood.
I'm sorry that your family is dealing with this mess and that your brother seems to truly suffer from some sort of mental illness that is exacerbated by your parents continued enabling of his lifestyle and behaviors.
OP: What is your perception as to what is wrong with him?
If I were to label it, I’d say mild form of autism mixed with bi polar disorder, ADD and something causing short term memory loss.
A few traits that would lead me to come to that conclusion
- The guy can remember something that happened a few weeks, a few months, or 10 years ago before he can remember what happened 5 minutes, 5 hours, or 5 days ago.
- He is very passionate about his hobbies but does not/cannot put the same effort into anything else.
- His seems to be in this “cruise control” cycle from time to time. It’s almost like he’s not there completely. He will repeat the same task 2-3 times over even though he had just done it
- His mind seems to jump around constantly to different things. He can be in the middle of pouring a bowl of cereal and then he’ll drop everything to go watch TV, leaving the bowl half done sitting on the counter
- if you ask him to do something he wants to do, he can function normally. If you ask him to do something he doesn’t want to do, he will instantly get a nasty attitude with you.
- high simulation environments, or changes to daily routine will almost always cause an anger spurt during the following days
Last edited by Range; 08-17-2023 at 07:20 PM..
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