MO folks, have any good jokes to share with us?? (Rea: to eat, rated)

[Versatile]

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America , Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as 'HILLBILLIES.'


You must now refer to them as

APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.


And, furthermore...


HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' -
She is a
' BREASTED AMERICAN.'

2. She is not ' EASY ' - She is
'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'


3. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' -
She is a
'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.'


4. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' -
She is a
'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.'


5. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes
' VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'


6. She is not a 'TWO- BIT HOOKER' She is a
' LOW COST PROVIDER.'


HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:


1. He does not have a ' BEER GUT'...
He has developed a
'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'


2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is
' OVERLY CAUCASIAN.'


3. He does not ' GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He
'INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.'


4. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in
'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'


5. He does not act like a 'TOTAL *** ' - He develops a case of
RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.'

(Loved this one!)


6. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's
'REAR CLEAVAGE'

[Versatile]

A Male Fairy Tale:

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess,
"Will you marry me?"

The Princess immediately said, "No!"

And the Prince lived happily ever after, and rode motorcycles and dated thin, long-legged, full-breasted women, and hunted and fished and raced cars, and went to t i t t y bars and dated ladies half his age and drank whiskey, beer and Captain Morgan, and never heard any beeching and never paid child support or alimony, and dated cheerleaders and kept his house and guns, and ate spam and potato chips and beans, and blew enormous farts, and never got cheated on while he was at work, and all his friends and family thought he was friggin cool as hell, and he had tons of money in the bank, and left the toilet seat up.

The End.

[Versatile]

WHY WE LIKE DOGS



The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue.
-Anonymous

Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.
-Ann Landers

If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went.
-Will Rogers

There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face.
-Ben Williams

A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.
-Josh Billings

The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.
-Andy Rooney

We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and love we can spare. And in return, dogs give us their all. It’s the best deal man has ever made.
-M. Acklam

Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who are incapable of pure love and always have to mix love and hate.
-Sigmund Freud

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.
-Rita Rudner

A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.
-Robert Benchley

Anybody who doesn’t know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.
-Franklin P. Jones

If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons.
-James Thurber

If your dog is fat, you aren’t getting enough exercise.
-Unknown

My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That’s almost $21.00 in dog money.
-Joe Weinstein
- See more at: Anyone Like Dogs? | Hisfault

[da jammer]

Hillary Clinton Meets Satan

Hillary was finishing up a day on the campaign trail when the Devil suddenly appeared in her and made her an offer.

“I am here to make you a deal,” the Devil says. “I will give you unlimited wealth, power, and a media that will pander to your every whim. In return, all I ask for is your soul, the souls of every member of your family, and the souls of all your constituents.”

Hillary ponders for a moment and then asks, “Unlimited wealth and power?”

“Completely unlimited,” the Devil confirms.

“A pandering media?” she asked.

“They’ll fall over themselves to support you, no matter what you do or say,” the Devil assured.

“And you want my soul, my family’s souls, and the souls of my constituents?” she asks.

“Yes. All of them,” says the Devil.

Hillary thinks deeply about it, then finally says, “So…what’s the catch?”


(Versatile, how on earth did this thread just up and die on us?)

[Floorist]

Senator Roy Blunt, funniest joke that I know.

[aliasfinn]

In 1917, Elmo Toesniff of Rumphole,Missouri, built the first working television set but gave up on his invention when he discovered nothing was on.

[aliasfinn]

Here's an old one.


A man is out drinking one evening in a St. Louis nightclub and see's three large and loud women at the bar and notices they have an accent. He figures he would impress them with his knowledge of the world so he walks up and asks, " so, what part of Scotland are you lassies from?" All three look at each other and one says to him, " it's Wales you idiot." Feeling foolish, he corrects himself. " Oh...I'm sorry, what part of Scotland are you whales from?"

[elkotronics]

A man is out drinking one evening in a St. Louis nightclub and see's three large and loud women at the bar and notices they have an accent. He figures he would impress them with his knowledge of the world so he walks up and asks, " so, what part of Scotland are you lassies from?" All three look at each other and one says to him, " it's Wales you idiot." Feeling foolish, he corrects himself. " Oh...I'm sorry, what part of Scotland are you whales from?"

Hee-hee haa-haa! Good one!

[aliasfinn]

A man bumps into an old friend on a street corner and notices he has two black eyes.
" Hey Bob, what happened to you?" he asks. His friend replies, " A large woman was sitting in front of me at the theatre and when she got up, I noticed her pants were tucked into her butt crack so I pulled them out for her and she got mad and hit me." His friend scratches his head and asks, " But how did you get the other black eye?" Bob tells him, " I thought she wanted them the way they were so I poked them back in her crack."





A Missouri man, tired of the 8-5 jobs he keeps getting fired from decides to join a monastery. On his first day, the abbot (head monk) tells him they pretty much have a vow of silence there and are only permitted to say two words at the end of each year. When the first year came to an end, he told the abbot " Bed Hard. " At the end of the following year, he told the abbot " Food Bad. " Then when the third year ended, he told the abbot, " I Quit. " The abbot responded, " I'm not surprised my son, you've done nothing but complain since you've been here. "

[elkotronics]

A Missouri man, tired of the 8-5 jobs he keeps getting fired from decides to join a monastery. On his first day, the abbot (head monk) tells him they pretty much have a vow of silence there and are only permitted to say two words at the end of each year. When the first year came to an end, he told the abbot " Bed Hard. " At the end of the following year, he told the abbot " Food Bad. " Then when the third year ended, he told the abbot, " I Quit. " The abbot responded, " I'm not surprised my son, you've done nothing but complain since you've been here. "

Tee-hee!!!!