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Anyone have any opinions about this state's DCYF? My boyfriend of 3 years has been having custody issues with his ex and their son. "Mom" was found guilty of neglect a couple of years ago...my boyfriend's son was sickly (parasites) after being found by DCYF in the Mom's home eating cat feces out of a litter box. He smelled like urine every time by boyfriend and I saw him. Lots of big issues....too long to list. Anyway, my boyfriend has a past - some not so pleasant issues - but has had no issues whatsoever for over 3 years now and they will not give custody to him. They say they are looking to re-unify the child with Mom. His son has been in foster care for about 6 months now, before that was with the Mom's brother and sister-in-law, before that being moved around house to house with Mom. My boyfriend hired a lawyer and now, $10,000 later, still has gotten nowhere. Seems DCYF basically has the last say as to what happens to the child and where he lives?? This is crazy! "Mom" has no job, no means of supporting this child, yet the child is being re-unified as we speak with her. She has supposedly been clean and sober for a couple of months, but is living back in the very bad neighborhood in Berlin that she was living in when she got in trouble in the first place. Same atmosphere, same drunken neighbors that she was hanging out with - yet DCYF is letting her have this child back??? Is there something wrong here or is it me??
Anyone have any experiences with DCYF? Are they really THAT messed up that they will put this child at risk just to put him with the "Mom"?? I have done a lot of research into this and found that they repeatedly give children back to unfit Moms....it's always Moms who get the children - even if there is a perfectly fit, willing, loving Dad who wants the child.
Begin the fight, or join one that has already started. Begin contacting others with the same goals in the same situation as you. join the support group for answers and don't give up. I have a good friend named Stacy who was a foster parent for many years wanting to help kids as a direct result of being a foster kid herself. She is a great source of knowledge for the state of NH's laws governing, I'll ask her to get in touch with you.
Try here first to meet people with the same issues you have.
Thank you Kat....I did see that website and already signed that petition! : ) lol
Your friend sounds like a great person....it takes a special kind of person to be a foster parent.
It's just such a shame that the children are the ones who suffer in the process. The CASA worker who has spoken to my boyfriend's son several times told my boyfriend that his son cries for him a lot (he's only 7). : ( This CASA worker also told the judge last time they all went to court that he thinks it's ridiculous that DCYF is putting this child through all of this and that he thought the child should be with his father. But, nothing was changed. Instead, my boyfriend has strict supervised visits with a "3rd party family counselor" who sits in the room with them, they can't leave this little room to go play or get dinner somewhere, my boyfriend has to hand over his keys, cell phone, etc. when he enters this "facility"....it's like jail - not a visit with his son!!!!! Crazy.
Thanks for your input Kat. I look forward to talking with some other people in similar situations.
Of all the "functions" of government, this one is most easily screwed up by self aggrandizing bureaucrats. They are "never" going to take any risks by over riding the written guidelines even if the situation calls for it. These people are covering their collective behinds so they cannot be held accountable if things go wrong.
I encourage you to keep fighting for custody. I can only hope the kid is not completely emotionally screwed up by the drunken mother.
This may be out of line, but have you and your man ever considered marrying if it would help with the custody fight?
Thanks Greg....
that's not an out-of-line question. We did ask his lawyer and she said it has nothing to do with being married/not married, etc. She's fed up with DCYF also. This has been going on for FAR too long.
My bf saw his son yesterday and it was so messed up. I wrote a bit about it in my previous post (the small room they had to stay in, etc.). He said he can see that his son DEFINITELY needs some counseling and that as far as he's been told, his son is not receiving any right now. DCYF had him in counseling for a month or 2, then stopped.
We have no intention on giving in or quitting our fight. This boy LOVES his dad and wants to be here with us.
As I had said in my first post, my bf did have an issue in the past (with alcohol) which DCYF still brings up even though there have been NO issues at all for over 3 years. I can understand where there could be concern, but they have not taken any interest whatsoever into talking to ME, any of our friends or family, my bf's boss (who can vouch for his character and sobriety....he's actually an ex-cop), my son, NOBODY!!! They don't even inform my bf when there are changes in his son's residence, any issues that arise, etc. It's just SO wrong - on SO many levels.
My bf said that when he saw his son yesterday, his son was wearing shoes with big holes in them that were 3 sizes too big, stained ratty clothes that smelled and no coat (on a day like yesterday up in Berlin...that's just not right). The "Mom" had brought him to the visit in this condition....and DCYF thinks this is acceptable?? Well, I certainly DO NOT.
But, we continue to fight. My bf is going to call his lawyer today to tell her about the "visit" yesterday and how it felt like Jail - not something that should have been comforting and fun for his son. There's a "Neglect review hearing" for the mom in a few weeks though. I'm curious to see what happens then! I'm sure DCYF will defend her behavior. : (
I would suggest that your BF get pictures of himself and his son to show the judge the "condition" he arrives in. I'm not talking deliberate pictures; just "here's son & Dad during a visit", and document the "issues" observed including date/time/etc.
You also may want to talk with his lawyer about the value of written affidavits from those who know him (including employer) and suggest that since his issue was an issue that can be tested for in the future to make custody conditional on negative test events- at least for a period of time; which sucks- but its better than nothing.
This needs to become an army of proof issue based on sound, verifiable commitments from your BF...at least that's my "never been in a custody battle" opinion.
Thanks BF. Actually he does have sworn, notarized affidavits from his employer, 3 friends, myself, our landlord verifying his character, etc.
That is a good suggestion about taking photos though. He did take a couple yesterday, but you can't see the condition of the clothes / shoes as they are head shots of them together.
He did tell them already that he would take any tests anytime that they saw fit, but they insisted he drive up to Berlin (we are in Candia, 3 hours away) to take these tests. Now seriously, drive 3 hours one way for a 2-second "pee" test?? He said he would gladly do them anywhere in our area, anytime they called and said "go have a test done" but they never followed through. His lawyer brought this up to them, and they said that HE never contacted THEM. Why would HE contact THEM and say "ok, do you want me to go do a test?" Doesn't that defeat the purpose?
They have made every excuse, and my bf and his lawyer have shot them all down. They literally have NO reason why my bf can't have HIS son here at least every other weekend anyway....for the meantime.
This is why we are SO frustrated.
DCYF says they are going to continue to "watch" the Mom until September, and if she remains clean/sober and doesn't get into any trouble, they will leave the whole issue alone. But, as I told my boyfriend, it won't matter by then. If she does start drinking or doing drugs again and she is reported by someone, then they will be involved again and the whole process will start all over again.
DCYF has actual "custody" of my bf's son right now...not the Mom, but he is having overnights with her now and DCYF plans on him living with her again in the next month or so. And this is why they are giving us such a hard time - because THEY have custody. And THEY have the final say (right now) as to what happens to this little boy.
It's all such a shame and hurts us very badly.
Especially since a judge can't even put them in their place and say "the boy needs to be with his father."
I just can't believe that an "organization" like this can have the final word and there's nothing that my bf and his lawyer can do about it.
There has to be SOME way but if there is, the lawyer doesn't even know about it. YIKES.
update for anyone reading this: my bf called his lawyer yesterday to tell her about the awful "visit" with his son and she was appalled. She said it was not explained to her that the visit would go THAT way and that she'll contact everyone involved to get this changed..... we'll see.
ANOTHER UPDATE:
They have now reunited my bf's son with his mother. He is living with her. My bf now has a signed parenting plan giving him rights to visits with his son - HERE in our home - every other weekend and a full week on August. I guess DCYF is going to keep "tabs" on "Mom" until September and if she stays clean, sober, etc then she will re-gain custody of my bf's son. Right now, he is technically under DCYF's custody but allowed to live with "Mom."
We'll see what happens now. If she does not manage to stay clean (which my bf is pretty convinced she will NOT be able to do due to her past and how well he knows her), then we will immediately take her to court for full custody.
But at least for now, he gets to see his son at our house !!!
That's great news Jackie The one who counts most in this situation is the little boy, and it sounds like they are keeping HIS best interest in the forefront. This is not always the case... A good friend of mine was accused (and acquitted) of kidnapping his daughter because the mother was not providing necessary medical treatment. The judge in this case ordered the defense attorney to NOT bring up the mother's drug use... HELLO??? In any case, good for you and your BF in seeing this through and staying a part of his son's life.
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The one who counts most in this situation is the little boy, and it sounds like they are keeping HIS best interest in the forefront. This is not always the case... A good friend of mine was accused (and acquitted) of kidnapping his daughter because the mother was not providing necessary medical treatment. The judge in this case ordered the defense attorney to NOT bring up the mother's drug use... HELLO??? In any case, good for you and your BF in seeing this through and staying a part of his son's life.
