How to deal with a disobedient teenager in NJ? (Boonton: mattress, house)
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I have a friend in NJ who has a teenager (15 going on 16) living with them who is out of control. They don't listen, follow rules, always come home extremely late, and is nasty to the parents (including cursing). From what I was told, the teenager is constantly and consistently disobedient and disrespectful. What options can I recommend for them? Can they kick them out?
If that kid has been in an environment that allowed this to happen since they were small children correcting it at this stage will be very difficult. If this is sort of 'new' behavior then I would suggest sitting down with the kid when things are calm not at the time of confrontation. Go for a family trip or something similar where the parent can have a true discussion. Maybe the kid has some type of anxiety and just doesnt know how to deal with it.
Another suggestion is to have your friend reach out to the adult(s) that the kid does have great respect for - the coach, teacher, police officer, counselor, grandma, older teen, etc. and sort of provide a safe bridge for opening conversation.
When he does something stupid enough to go to jail, don't bail him out. Don't give him money. Let him be alone and take responsibility for his actions. Let him quickly see what the real world is like. So he can see how the real world preys on people like him.
Speaking as a retired school counselor, I can tell you that this can be an extremely trying situation for families.
Back in "the good old days", parents could go to the Family Court located at their County Seat, and file an Incorrigible Child complaint. If the presiding judge agreed that the child was, indeed, incorrigible, then he/she was remanded to a state "reform school" type of facility. Unfortunately, these facilities did little to successfully reform kids, and--in fact--placing groups of incorrigibles together tended to reinforce negative behaviors. This is just one more example of how "the good old days" may not have been so good.
Because of the failure of that approach, and because cases like this were needlessly tying up the overburdened court system, counties were mandated to create a Crisis Intervention Unit in each County Seat. These offices provide relevant adolescent and family counseling, and tend to be quite effective. Drug screening is usually part of the process, simply because drug abuse is frequently one of the underlying factors in severe acting-out behavior. There is the threat of "being sent away" if the child refuses to comply with services, so there is an inducement for kids to cooperate.
Anyway, since we don't know where you reside, here is a website listing the contact phone numbers for the Crisis Intervention Unit in each NJ county: AIRS-NJ - County Crisis Intervention Numbers
I strongly suggest that you make an appointment for an intake interview as soon as possible.
A family friend was going through something similar. 14yr old seemed to change over the summer and become very unruly. He would frequently be out with his friends until all hours of the night, completely disrespectful, cursing at his parents (both of them). Months went by with no resolution. Mother couldn't take it, took an extended vacation from work, cleaned out his room, left a bare mattress and some clothes, took EVERYTHING away, removed all forms of entertainment from the house and declared a Family State of Emergency. He and his 2 younger sisters would be on lock down 24/7 except for school. No contact with friends outside of school.
Every day a different child would pick where they went for dinner or what they did after dinner and they did everything as a family together. They all had to sit together for an hour to talk about their day. After a couple weeks of this the son finally started opening up about his frustrations. As he started becoming a member of the family again he started getting his stuff back and getting more privileges. If i remember it took them about 6 months before everything was back to semi normal.
They were over the house this past weekend and he seems like a happier kid now. Not so mopey and standoffish.
I am no doctor or therapist or have had ANY professional training in any way. But IMO, most teenagers are a product of their environment. Home, school, friends all help shape them. They are dealing with new emotions they may not have fully under control and having a loving and supportive family goes a long way in helping them adjust to a very confusing time of their lives.
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