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Dood... my sister made me practice kissing with her once when we were little... my mom caught us. It was LOLZ after that. It's really no big deal... Your family members have some weird hangups and whatever guilt they are feeling they are projecting onto you for something that happened, in the remote past. Trust me, it is their problem inside their own heads. I know you want to have things restored to what they used to be, but most likely these people will just get you down more. I would move on until they decide to stop being so moronic.
Sounds to me as if the OPs 30 yo cousin is looking for something to blame his current issues on. "My cousin molested me when I was 14 and thats to blame for all I have done wrong since." Sounds like he needs to man up.
I'm inclined to agree.
But then I think, "What if the situation were reversed, and the 17-year-old was male and the 14-year-old female?"
Given that the "plaintiff" in this is now 30, I would still have to agree.
If you wait 16 years to have your confrontation, it should be with the person you feel wronged you. When the person apologizes, you either accept it and move on, or you reject it and move on. Running and telling Mommy at this point tells me that this person is interested in stirring up the pot, getting revenge, and laying his issues on the OP.
If I had to stick my neck out--and I mean really stick my neck out--I'd guess that he's probably having sexual problems in his marriage. Maybe he can't get it up. Maybe his wife doesn't want him. Maybe he's really gay. Maybe his wife is really gay. Maybe he cheated. Maybe his wife caught him cheating. Maybe his wife cheated and he caught her. Maybe he's addicted to porn. Maybe his wife is addicted to porn.
Or maybe he's just acting like a dbag tool to his wife, she's threatening to leave him, and now he wants to play victim to try to excuse his own crappy behavior.
Something else is going on with him for him to have waited this long and to go this public.
If the OP was only 17, and her cousin was 14, they were both minors and one is no more to blame than the other. It's not black and white, there are always shades of gray. Putting all the blame on the OP is the easy way out for the rest of the family, and is not fair or right.
Clearly the male in the relationship was an active participant. There's no way I could have performed the deed if I wasn't into it. He may feel guilty now, but that's his guilt.
Thank you for all your responses. I appreciate the support and the outrage from the other side is helping me to understand how his family is feeling right now.
I want to clear some things up.
When I was 17, I dated Freshman who were 13/14 years old. I saw them as my peers. Well, not ALL of them, but those of them who I felt were mature enough to date, so I didn't see my cousin as any different than that.
Secondly, my cousin never once shied away from what we were doing through body language, nor did he ever voice his discontent with a "stop" or "no" or "I don't like where this is going". If he had, I DEF would have stopped what I was doing. I have no desire to force anyone into doing anything sexual with me. UGH. Just the thought of that even disgusts me.
For those of you wondering why I care about this wing of the family now when we weren't close before, I will explain. I dropped out of college mid-way, and I had surgery and nowhere to live. My cousins family took me in (as a reminder, this was about 3 years passed what happened with my cousin). My cousin was away at the beach during a summer job, so I didn't see him at all during that time, and I stayed at his family's house all summer long. His mom had all boys, and I didn't have a mother figure, so naturally she and I grew very close. The closer we became, the more I wanted to tell her, but I felt it wasn't my place and I didn't want to stir the pot, and I had no idea the shame that my cousin was grappling with. So I thought it best to leave it alone.
It wasn't until about 5 or 6 years after it happened that my cousin began being very rude to me at family functions. It was suggested to me by someone else that I confront my cousin privately. It was then I found out the shame he had been harboring all this time, and my presence is painful for him, etc. I told him I was very sorry, that I had regrets about what happened, that I NEVER meant to hurt him. He said he acknowledged my feelings.
So, after that visit, I NEVER initiated contact with that family, out of respect for his feelings. I wanted to give him enough space to let it pass. Occasionally his mom would reach out to me, and when she did, I would go visit, but not nearly to the extent I did before and I NEVER initiated contact. I didn't want to force myself on them, I wanted to let him heal. The last time I went down there, he seemed a lot better, he was outgoing and friendly to me, so I thought perhaps he had gotten therapy and/or worked through some of his pain or gotten over it. I started initiating contact again with his mom and inquiring about the holidays, but I guess that was too much for him and that's when he told her and that's when she told me I was no longer welcome.
Also, I *am* very sensitive to my cousins feelings and I feel just terrible about this. Had I had ANY idea that what we did would lead to this, or to him feeling badly for years, of COURSE I would have never done it.
I was just a stupid teenager who made a dumb decision. I just feel very frustrated because I have wanted to mend my relationship and get back to normalcy with my cousin for YEARS, but I'm not getting any credit for it from my family. Instead, I feel they are painting me as this calculating monster who has no regards for others feelings. That's 100% not true! I was just a dumb kid full of hormones and gave no thought to what I was doing with a partner who was willing.
But, just because I'm frustrated that the family can't see my side of it, it doesn't mean I don't still feel very bad for what my cousin is and has gone through as a result of this. I loved my cousin, and I would do anything to take back the pain this has caused him. I never intended for any of this to happen like this, and now, I guess all I can do is maybe write a letter and hope they come around.
it sucks, honestly. I wish there was more I could do to fix everything.
I wonder how people would react if the sexes were reversed, if previously mentioned.
What if your 30 year old female daughter came to you and told you she was burned by her 17 year old cousin having sex with her at the age of 14? It's clear that there was negative psychological impact.
The OP may not be a monster, but I think she is highly insensitive and self centered.
Well, the fact is the sexes were not reversed, it is how it was. Both were technically minors. Just address the issue at hand, advice champs. Don't let your imaginations run wild with If's and But's.
All I can say is that family members will see what they want to see and believe what they want to believe. Parents want to believe that their innocent child (now 30) never did anything wrong and was the victim in this case. There is no other side to them; they don't want to hear your side of the story because it will never change their mind.
I'm in a similar situation with my first cousins. Nothing sexual, but my youngest first cousin and I were best buds several years ago (we're both female). She had a serious drug problem, is an alcoholic, and was very promiscuous and had several flings with my male friends while visiting me. Each time she came to visit it was to party and get laid. The last time I visited her, I made the mistake of having a conversation with her boyfriend about Jeopardy. According to her, I was flirting. We had a huge fight, harsh words were exchanged, and we haven't said more than 10 words to one another since.
Her family only knows her side of the story (Lord knows what her version is) and have talked badly about me to my mother since. The only way I can cope with it is to detach from it. They don't matter to me anymore; they are family only by blood, but not through love anymore. My mom doesn't understand why I'm okay with them thinking poorly of me, perhaps because it looks bad on her. I guess it is because I know I didn't do anything wrong. From that, I have peace and have moved on without them in my life.
Also, I *am* very sensitive to my cousins feelings and I feel just terrible about this. Had I had ANY idea that what we did would lead to this, or to him feeling badly for years, of COURSE I would have never done it.
I was just a stupid teenager who made a dumb decision. I just feel very frustrated because I have wanted to mend my relationship and get back to normalcy with my cousin for YEARS, but I'm not getting any credit for it from my family. Instead, I feel they are painting me as this calculating monster who has no regards for others feelings. That's 100% not true! I was just a dumb kid full of hormones and gave no thought to what I was doing with a partner who was willing.
But, just because I'm frustrated that the family can't see my side of it, it doesn't mean I don't still feel very bad for what my cousin is and has gone through as a result of this. I loved my cousin, and I would do anything to take back the pain this has caused him. I never intended for any of this to happen like this, and now, I guess all I can do is maybe write a letter and hope they come around.
it sucks, honestly. I wish there was more I could do to fix everything.
I doubt it has cause him any pain dear....i think his religious values are now making him look back and start to regret what he now views as a sin. Don't regret what you did because he now has a misguided view on life. And i think you have been more then fair with them and need to move on, family or no no one deserves to be beaten up and just hang out over it.
I hate how a lot of folks are saying this borders child molestation. It does no such thing. This all completely legit. Even if she were 18, and he were 14, in many states (including NJ), this would not be considered statutory. The age makes no difference here. The OP had relations with her cousin which her cousin no regrets. It's as simple as that. He was 14, not 10. He knew what he was doing.
I doubt it has cause him any pain dear....i think his religious values are now making him look back and start to regret what he now views as a sin. .
1. I think you've beaten that theme to death; 2. many/most religions are based on forgiveness and the erasing of sin which runs entirely opposite to your conclusion; 3. factually, the OP has stated this has been an issue for him for a dozen or so years.
For the life of me, I can't grasp what kind of 30 yo guy shares this stuff with his mom. This has shocked her and I'd give it a bit to settle down and then a nice letter of apology/explanation might go over. . . but it might not. It's a shame.
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with If's and But's.
1. I think you've beaten that theme to death; 2. many/most religions are based on forgiveness and the erasing of sin which runs entirely opposite to your conclusion; 3. factually, the OP has stated this has been an issue for him for a dozen or so years.