Help! I had fooled around with family member and now my family won't talk to me (female, male)
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OP, you knew this was wrong, yet you did it anyway. Now the sh## has hit the fan, and the truth is out. You will have to move on with your life, and let your cousin do the same. If a person above the age of consent messes with someone below the age of consent, it IS molestation, whether you want to admit it or not. Your cousin obviously remembers it as sexual abuse, not as two teens experimenting together. Yes, boys can be molested just like girls can. Remember that most 13 to 14 year old boys are immature compared to girls the same age even, so a 17 year old girl should be much more mature.
A 17 year old girl might be "much more mature" but she is still 17, and I haven't met a 17 year old who acts completely like an adult. In addition, I can recall a female at my former highschool who was around 17 dating a boy who was 15. He was like a Freshman jock, she was a junior. This is not an uncommon occurrence.
To the OP, while what you did was much less than desirable, plenty of kids have done much worse and/or strange things in their years of prepubescent sexual exploration.
I have said over and over again that I have given my cousin space since he requested it FOR THE LAST FIVE YEARS and that I'm completely willing to give them as much space as they need now. This whole "I want what I want when I want it" idea is fallacious, I've been waiting for over 5+ years for this whole thing to go away, and I realize I may have to wait even longer.
And don't read "poor me" into that statement, I'm JUST TRYING TO TELL YOU ALL that I have no problem with giving people space.
I didn't "seduce" anybody. That's just ludicrous. I don't think I would have even known how to if I wanted to at 17.
I think part of the issue is that some of you need time to digest what has happened. I have had over 10+ years. I have been in therapy and processed it. I am ready to move on. I would like to fix things if possible with my family, but I realize I might not have that option.
However, them freezing me out is new to me and I need time to get over THAT.
If I can't help my cousin or my family, the only thing left to do is to try to take care of myself. And some of you may not feel I have a right to be in pain that I've lost my family, but it hurts. You can tell me I don't have a right to be in pain, or that I brought it on myself, but that doesn't make it hurt any less.
I don't think anyone here is THAT affected that they need time to digest what has happened.
What you failed to mention in your OP is that you have had therapy, YOU'VE been dealing with it for that amount of time (10 years)
You've got to give your family as much time as they need to figure out what to do with this information.
Ultimately, you don't deserve his parent's time or effort right now. Their main concern is THEIR son. Whether that sits well with your or not, is irrelevant.
I'm glad you've been able to get therapy and move on - give your cousin and his family the same respect, and not think after 2 days of finding out such information that they should be in communication with you.
A 17 year old girl might be "much more mature" but she is still 17, and I haven't met a 17 year old who acts completely like an adult. In addition, I can recall a female at my former highschool who was around 17 dating a boy who was 15. He was like a Freshman jock, she was a junior. This is not an uncommon occurrence.
To the OP, while what you did was much less than desirable, plenty of kids have done much worse and/or strange things in their years of prepubescent sexual exploration.
Thank you Professor.
Do you (or anyone reading the thread) have any advice on how I can apologize while at the same time explain that I meant no ill will whatsoever?
I don't think anyone here is THAT affected that they need time to digest what has happened.
What you failed to mention in your OP is that you have had therapy, YOU'VE been dealing with it for that amount of time (10 years)
You've got to give your family as much time as they need to figure out what to do with this information.
Ultimately, you don't deserve his parent's time or effort right now. Their main concern is THEIR son. Whether that sits well with your or not, is irrelevant.
I'm glad you've been able to get therapy and move on - give your cousin and his family the same respect, and not think after 2 days of finding out such information that they should be in communication with you.
ok, let me try to explain this one more time since I'm apparently not being clear enough.
I don't think anyone owes me anything.
I am more than willing to give whomever all the time they need.
I completely understand that the parents are helping their child heal and do not give a damn about me right now. I'm not angry about that.
My only purpose in starting this thread is figuring out what to say to them when the time comes to apologize (assuming I get that chance).
What I would like to convey in such an apology is that I love them and that I regret all the pain my actions have caused, that I am very sorry, that I did not mean to cause any harm, and that if I had known then what I know now, this would have never have happened and that I would do anything to take it all back.
ok, let me try to explain this one more time since I'm apparently not being clear enough.
I don't think anyone owes me anything.
I am more than willing to give whomever all the time they need.
I completely understand that the parents are helping their child heal and do not give a damn about me right now. I'm not angry about that.
My only purpose in starting this thread is figuring out what to say to them when the time comes to apologize (assuming I get that chance).
What I would like to convey in such an apology is that I love them and that I regret all the pain my actions have caused, that I am very sorry, that I did not mean to cause any harm, and that if I had known now what I knew then, this would have never have happened and that I would do anything to take it all back.
What you have said above sounds perfectly fine to me.
ok, let me try to explain this one more time since I'm apparently not being clear enough.
I don't think anyone owes me anything.
I am more than willing to give whomever all the time they need.
I completely understand that the parents are helping their child heal and do not give a damn about me right now. I'm not angry about that.
My only purpose in starting this thread is figuring out what to say to them when the time comes to apologize (assuming I get that chance).
What I would like to convey in such an apology is that I love them and that I regret all the pain my actions have caused, that I am very sorry, that I did not mean to cause any harm, and that if I had known then what I know now, this would have never have happened and that I would do anything to take it all back.
What you have said above sounds perfectly fine to me.
You've just got to wait until you can say that.
Thanks
I am willing to give them time since then need that and I know that will help, but in my mind, I'm in a big hurry to fix this because I'm very anxious about the outcome. But I know I have to wait and am totally willing to do that.
I have said over and over again that I have given my cousin space since he requested it FOR THE LAST FIVE YEARS and that I'm completely willing to give them as much space as they need now. This whole "I want what I want when I want it" idea is fallacious, I've been waiting for over 5+ years for this whole thing to go away, and I realize I may have to wait even longer.
And don't read "poor me" into that statement, I'm JUST TRYING TO TELL YOU ALL that I have no problem with giving people space.
However you stated that the last time you saw him everything appeared OK...So you were with him and he didn't tell you that all was fine. You weren't giving him space or you wouldn't have been there. Giving space means don't come around until I contact you and say I've worked through it.
I didn't "seduce" anybody. That's just ludicrous. I don't think I would have even known how to if I wanted to at 17.
You said you were with other 14 year old boys when you were 17 and didn't find it strange. Guess you knew your way around just a little bit more than he did.
I think part of the issue is that some of you need time to digest what has happened. I have had over 10+ years. I have been in therapy and processed it. I am ready to move on. I would like to fix things if possible with my family, but I realize I might not have that option.
Now you say that you went to therapy and worked through it. I hope that is true. Why would you wait so long to reveal that tidbit?
However, them freezing me out is new to me and I need time to get over THAT.
Oh, I would NEVER think you were looking for a "poor me".
If I can't help my cousin or my family, the only thing left to do is to try to take care of myself. And some of you may not feel I have a right to be in pain that I've lost my family, but it hurts. You can tell me I don't have a right to be in pain, or that I brought it on myself, but that doesn't make it hurt any less.
I understand that you lost HIS family and that it hurts. They are hurting too. If you REALLY care about them you will give them the space they have asked for. After going through therapy I am sure you understand how important that is.
Time may heal the wound but it has to be on their terms.
A 17 yr old is practically an adult. This whole I was a kid thing isn't flying with me
Agree. This sounds so much like my stepfather, to be blunt and to be 100% open here. "She was a WOMAN." (This said about a 12-year-old, because the 12-year-old already babysat, had breasts & the perpetrator was "young at heart"--God...gag). Putting the blame even PARTIALLY on the victim is the golden signature of being a child molester. Well, that plus the whole "It wasn't coercion" thing. It's making me kinda sick to read all this. And no, I wouldn't assume such a thing of anyone who told a similar story. It's just that in THIS particular story, there are about a dozen "this person is ill" red flags.
My stepfather STILL wants "us" to "just get past" "this" (well, he rarely adds the "this," even, b/c that would mean he understands there WAS a problem there--I was 11, BTW, for God's sake, but grew older and by the time I was 13-14 he was making the comments about how I was "really a woman" and "women mature faster than men" and blah blah...). Get past it? Not hardly. DO NOT blame the victim. That is sick and is 98% of the reason molestation victims never make accusations. They know they will just be laughed at, like the OP's cousin is being here. They know they won't be believed and that they'll be humiliated but worst of all...that they'll be blamed.
The OP *says* there was "absolutely no coercion". That's another thing I've heard before...so many times. "But you wanted this. I could tell." Which, BTW, is what he said about another 12-year-old who never came forward...and what he definitely said to his son's 14- or 15-year-old teenage girlfriends, who were all terrified of him and who all eventually came to me. And so on. The OP's posts REEK of abnormal sexual development (emotionally/intellectually) ("Eh, I kissed girls, I kissed guys, they were younger, they were older, they kissed each other"--NO differentiation between/among age groups, sex, nothing; no understanding that romantically inclined actions DO have cutoff points and should have boundaries) and also have maybe just a touch of sociopathy (no, not being hysterical, just using the literal definition) in the complete inability to see that she did cause trauma and that the victim has a right to have felt hurt.
For the record, I did cross my stepfather completely out of my life, period, end of story. He can deal with his own demons; I don't have to deal with him in the meantime. A teen who started fooling around with a pubescent (10? 11?) has issues in the first place. People, please. Yes, there's normal experimentation. And then there's this. NO capability of having empathy; NO feeling of actual guilt (as evidenced by whitewashing it with "oh, I know I've made mistakes in the past" as if she were talking about a parking ticket or something, and the continuously saying "He wanted it...I did NOT molest him"); only feeling "terrible," etc. b/c her victim refuses to "heal their relationship". Ugh! Do you realize how sick that really is, OP? Forcing yourself into their faces only two days after this obviously difficult admission, because now you two really ought to be friends? You know what? No, I really don't think you can truly feel how sick this is.
And yes. I fully agree with those who said: turn it around, have the boy be the 17-year-old and the fur and feathers would be FLYING around here.
Just lay off, don't hurt anyone else, and seek help. But if you refuse to seek help...at the VERY LEAST lay off. Go away; disappear. Leave these poor people alone.
Last edited by JerZ; 09-27-2010 at 08:33 PM..
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And no, I wouldn't assume such a thing of anyone who told a similar story. It's just that in THIS particular story, there are about a dozen "this person is ill" red flags.