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To the OP, you are going to have to wait until the family has gotten over the anger and betrayal. If the guy told his own mother about what happened just to get rid of you, well he must have been pretty desperate. Please respect his wishes and stay away. Just because he acted like he was happy at his brothers graduation, does not mean that things were okay. It was his brother's graduation, he wasn't going to act like his dog just got ranned over. Obviously he is feeling something was not right, and you just need to stay away from him. He sees you hanging out with the family as a major issue, and things can never be the same. Technically, the parents told you to stay away from their son, and the family when he was going to be around. They are trying to protect their son, why can't you just walk away? You sound a little obsessed. They did not say you couldn't go visit them when the son was with his own family on vacation, or simply doing his own thing. No matter how much he hangs out with his own mom , i'm sure he does things on his own with his own wife and kids, they just don't want you there when he is there. OP, you must understand, you need to stay away. This is quickly becoming a stalking, if you simply refuse to go your own way. People makes mistakes, and they must live with them. Write them that letter or ask to speak with the mom later. But please leave that family alone before they get a restraining order against you and you end up hurting them more.
I am not stalking. I'm not trying to send him a letter, call him or drive by his house. Yes, I'm concerned about this and yes, I'm all bent out of shape because I just found out he told his mother a few days ago.
I'm not "obsessed" but it is very worrisome to me because my family is small, and other than my father, they are all I have in terms of family. My other side of the family is non-existent. So naturally because I would lose a lot if they stop talking to me forever, I have a lot riding on this, but I'm not harassing them in any way.
Clearly, I'm not going to go around telling people about this, so the only way to get feedback is to post online. Since this is my only outlet, I've directed all my feelings about this to this one thread. The level of intensity directed to one thread probably comes across as obsessed.
There are several complicating factors, here, and it's going to take a long time for his family to process:
1. You two are cousins
2. The age difference, and the fact you'd been kissing "on and off through the years", which puts him at a very young age
3. The fact that your "apology" still seems self-serving. You don't want to lose them. Understandable. Unfortunately, the reality is that family rifts are caused by things much more trivial than this. This is pretty big.
As for the family needing the time to grieve, the only analogy I can offer is this one:
I have a son who will be 16 in January. He's autistic. He lost his ability to speak at around age 2. By age 5 he was able to form 3 word sentences. Now he is able to talk.
In the last year, he confided something to me that floored me: my EX-best friend, who I had known since I was 16, used to baby sit him, as I did her kids. She knew he couldn't talk. I trusted her COMPLETELY.
My son told me - and he can't lie. He can't think abstractly enough to lie - that he had accidentally hit my friend's youngest daughter with the wheel of the tricycle he was on. He didn't run over her, just accidentally bumped into her foot. She cried (she was only about 18 months old, or so, he must have been 2). She picked him up, SHOOK HIM, and screamed at him, calling him a "little retard".
Only now is he showing anger about it, because he didn't understand it at the time. And, even though this happened 13-14 years ago, it's fresh info to me, and I don't know where my friend is now, and that's probably a good thing, because I don't know what I'd do. I am SO ANGRY. And he was very distraught, so many years later.
So, keep that in mind. The point's been made a few times. You've come to terms with it, but it's a fresh wound to the family, and now they have to go through the various stages of grief, anger, whatever. Like I am doing with my son, I'm not thinking in terms of where he is, now. I'm thinking in terms of when he was a toddler, and didn't understand, and couldn't speak. The family is going back to seeing their son, their "baby" as a 14 year old. It may take a while for them to come to terms with it. They may never forgive you.
I am not stalking. I'm not trying to send him a letter, call him or drive by his house. Yes, I'm concerned about this and yes, I'm all bent out of shape because I just found out he told his mother a few days ago.
I'm not "obsessed" but it is very worrisome to me because my family is small, and other than my father, they are all I have in terms of family. My other side of the family is non-existent. So naturally because I would lose a lot if they stop talking to me forever, I have a lot riding on this, but I'm not harassing them in any way.
Clearly, I'm not going to go around telling people about this, so the only way to get feedback is to post online. Since this is my only outlet, I've directed all my feelings about this to this one thread. The level of intensity directed to one thread probably comes across as obsessed.
Think of it this way, the FAMILY might think you are a little obsessed. I'm not saying you're obsessed because you made a thread about it.
I don't know how old I was when the kissing started, I totally don't remember when it started.
I did know it was wrong at the time, but in the way that telling a white lie is wrong, not in the way that shooting somebody is wrong. On a scale of wrongness, when I was 17, I would have put it at a 2 or a 3. At the time, I never thought it would end in ever-lasting internal damage.
According to your posts if you're 34 now and the last incident was at 17, that was 17 yrs ago. You posted you initially talked about it 5-6 yrs after and didn't have any further contact until 5yrs ago when you talked about it again and then saw him at this particular family gathering where he seemed fine, but then made known to his family what had taken place.
You know, it really doesn't matter for how long it went on, the point is, it wasn't a one time occurance when you were 17 and he was 14. A few years would mean it started before he entered puberty.
How long you will have to wait to make amends is something no one here can answer. My advise is the same as my first post to you.
About 10+ years ago, I fooled around with a family member. I was a teenager, and so was the family member (a couple of years younger). I never - in any way - forced myself on that family member, we were both consenting. My family member has now decided to tell his mother (she and I were very close) and now they say I can never come over to their house or be a part of their family anymore. He's now an adult with children and doesn't even live at home anymore (obviously). I am so sad this happened. Do you think they'll ever forgive me?
If you were his family, please tell me exactly what your thoughts and feelings would be. They won't talk to me, so I can't even begin to know how to approach them.
Please help. I am devastated about this. I was very close with them and I feel terrible about this (possibly lifelong) separation.
I think they your Aunt is overreacting but she probably doesn't think so. It is not as if he got you pregnant or gave each other a disease which are both a) long term and b) obvious 'problems'. It was a short term thing that teens are prone to do (or so I would think). Who you did it with is odd but not what you did.
Your Aunt probably feels betrayed and her son is probably embarrassed. Also, with the pedophiles you read about in the news she's probably wondering if you are one, too. So there's possibly a concern about what you'll do around his kids.
There's nothing you can do about it except for making one last effort to explain it all. But it appears they've made up their mind so that may go nowhere. What will be a really big problem will be if the news spreads. But I think that's unlikely as the Aunt is probably going to want to keep the incident 'under wraps'.
1. I think you've beaten that theme to death; 2. many/most religions are based on forgiveness and the erasing of sin which runs entirely opposite to your conclusion; 3. factually, the OP has stated this has been an issue for him for a dozen or so years.
For the life of me, I can't grasp what kind of 30 yo guy shares this stuff with his mom. This has shocked her and I'd give it a bit to settle down and then a nice letter of apology/explanation might go over. . . but it might not. It's a shame.
The religions themselves are based off that i agree. The problem is when you get people involved they start interpreting things. Vast portions of my family won't talk to me because i have slept with women, yet will go on about the forgiveness of christ, see what i am getting at. And i don't know how it could have been a problem for a dozen years when they slept together 10 years ago.
Perhaps her cousin feels he WAS MOLESTED and that is why he felt he needed to share the info with his mom. If he had really consented to this do you think he would feel so uncomfortable about it? No he would be fine with it and he would have forgotten about it. Something is just not right here. I'm getting bad vibes.
When i was 20 i dated a girl in college who was sure she was curious and thought she might be gay....it went on for a little more then a year and just didn't work out. Flash forward last year 14 years later i get a letter from her condemning me for helping her walk down the road of wickedness. It seems she had become a hardcore christian....and like many people blamed someone else for what she now conceived of was an evil tme in her life. Since we don't hear his side of the story.....we have no clue if he is really uncomfortable over the act on in conflict with religious values.
OP you can't change what you don't acknowledge (sorry Dr. Phil). That being said I really hope this post isn't true. You said you were 17 at the time but how do we know you weren't 18. This whole thread is really giving me bad vibes.Just horrible.
Yes that whole one year makes all the difference *rolls eyes*
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1. I think you've beaten that theme to death; 2. many/most religions are based on forgiveness and the erasing of sin which runs entirely opposite to your conclusion; 3. factually, the OP has stated this has been an issue for him for a dozen or so years.