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It's been about a year (maybe a little less) since I last posted. I though I would give you all an update.
His family and I are now on speaking terms. I wrote them a letter last year and explained my side of things. Around the holidays I received a holiday card, which I thought was a good sign. Then, a few months later, I received an invitation to come up for the weekend. I did, and the family and I (minus my cousin) made amends.
I don't know if my cousin will ever forgive me, and that's something I'm learning to accept. I'm very lucky to have such a forgiving family that must truly love me to be willing to take me back in again.
I wanted to thank everyone from City-Data for all their posts. Of course I appreciated the support, bc I had beaten myself up a lot over the years, and the emotional support made me feel better. I also appreciated the people who were angry and didn't understand, bc it helped me wrap my head around other people's points of view. The angry people's POV also helped me to really appreciate my family and what they had to go through and get past in order to take me back.
It's been about a year (maybe a little less) since I last posted. I though I would give you all an update.
His family and I are now on speaking terms. I wrote them a letter last year and explained my side of things. Around the holidays I received a holiday card, which I thought was a good sign. Then, a few months later, I received an invitation to come up for the weekend. I did, and the family and I (minus my cousin) made amends.
I don't know if my cousin will ever forgive me, and that's something I'm learning to accept. I'm very lucky to have such a forgiving family that must truly love me to be willing to take me back in again.
I wanted to thank everyone from City-Data for all their posts. Of course I appreciated the support, bc I had beaten myself up a lot over the years, and the emotional support made me feel better. I also appreciated the people who were angry and didn't understand, bc it helped me wrap my head around other people's points of view. The angry people's POV also helped me to really appreciate my family and what they had to go through and get past in order to take me back.
So thank you
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Wait you messed around 11 plus years ago and now your family is accepting you back.?
Italians have a saying for people like this, for get about it and screw um.
Only read the OP and I am questioning your boundaries. Even as a teen, you know right from wrong. You knew it was wrong and went ahead anyway . . .and are paying the consequences. Everything has consequences.
It sounds like the other party has a conscience and maybe you don't?
Wait you messed around 11 plus years ago and now your family is accepting you back.?
Italians have a saying for people like this, for get about it and screw um.
In this case, I think her family was very much justified. She had sexual contact with a 14-year-old male cousin when she was 17 years old and it has had lasting effects on the younger cousin to this day. Whether she thought anything was consensual or not is irrelevant. The cousin was 3 years younger, barely out of junior high and in their eyes, it was likely an act close to molestation... and that's before you look at the fact they were cousins. This sort of thing can be very traumatizing and leave guilt feelings for the younger person who isn't ready to deal with it--as someone nearly ready to enter college, she should have known better and acted appropriately.
If the OP truly wants to do the right thing, she'll stay away from the cousin's immediate family. While it's nice that some have taken her back, she should do the right thing and not go around the cousin's siblings or parents so he can know some peace. Part of saying "I'm sorry" includes making your actions match your words. If she's truly sorry for what she did to this young man, she will back away and allow him to live his life in peace. Expecting him to get over it or forgive her and allow her around to ease HER situation would be the height of selfishness--much like what she did all those years ago.
I'm confused. Is the only reason it's 'molestation' because they were related?
Because I knew a bunch of 14 year-old boys who would have loved to (and a couple who did) 'get with' a 16 or 17 year-old girl. And vice versa. And it's not considered a sex crime if two teenagers make out.
I'm confused. Is the only reason it's 'molestation' because they were related?
Because I knew a bunch of 14 year-old boys who would have loved to (and a couple who did) 'get with' a 16 or 17 year-old girl. And vice versa. And it's not considered a sex crime if two teenagers make out.
There are 14/17 year old combos that have sex and don't care. But I had a close friend who was once in the exact same situation described here. He definitely did not consider it a "cool, I scored" thing. It was disturbing to him, something that still bothered him years later. He never wanted to be around the cousin again either and it caused family drama in his case too. I'm guessing part of the family's anger is because cousins are trusted and allowed to be together in a way two friends from school never would have been. Her aunt/uncle probably feel she (as a 17 year old who had sexual contact with their 14 year old son) violated their trust in the worst possible way.
As the older person, OP should have showed better judgment. It's also sad that had the older person been the male and the younger cousin a 14-year-old girl, reactions might very well have been different. Boys are just as capable of having lasting negative consequences from this sort of thing.
There are 14/17 year old combos that have sex and don't care. But I had a close friend who was once in the exact same situation described here. He definitely did not consider it a "cool, I scored" thing. It was disturbing to him, something that still bothered him years later. He never wanted to be around the cousin again either and it caused family drama in his case too. I'm guessing part of the family's anger is because cousins are trusted and allowed to be together in a way two friends from school never would have been. Her aunt/uncle probably feel she (as a 17 year old who had sexual contact with their 14 year old son) violated their trust in the worst possible way.
As the older person, OP should have showed better judgment. It's also sad that had the older person been the male and the younger cousin a 14-year-old girl, reactions might very well have been different. Boys are just as capable of having lasting negative consequences from this sort of thing.
Absolutely. As a parent, I would feel like my trust was violated whether or not both parties were consenting. The older cousin (AND they younger one) should have exercised better judgment. But the onus is on the older one, as she is in the position of authority in a manner of speaking.
Frankly, molesters are usually trusted family members or friends, so it's not hard to conceive of this happening. What blows my mind is that if they really saw it this way, they sure are being SUPER forgiving. I don't think most people would forgive that. Maybe it's because she is a girl...who knows?
I occasionally post on an adult-oriented board. Within the last year, a guy who had sex childhood with an older relative made an interesting post. (This is for all those who say it doesn't matter.) He said that he loved the experience, and that it was the first time he really related to a woman in a personal manner. Now that he is in his 50s, he realized that sex is the <i>only</i> way he learned how to relate to a woman, thanks to this early experience. He never learned how to court, how to get to know a woman. And he suspected that his adult relationships (married 4 times) suffered as a result. Maybe true, maybe not, but its food for thought.
I occasionally post on an adult-oriented board. Within the last year, a guy who had sex childhood with an older relative made an interesting post. (This is for all those who say it doesn't matter.) He said that he loved the experience, and that it was the first time he really related to a woman in a personal manner. Now that he is in his 50s, he realized that sex is the <i>only</i> way he learned how to relate to a woman, thanks to this early experience. He never learned how to court, how to get to know a woman. And he suspected that his adult relationships (married 4 times) suffered as a result. Maybe true, maybe not, but its food for thought.
I don't buy this. I think he's looking for someone to blame for the fact that he's a failure in his marriage. If the guy had any honor, he would accept his personal failings as his own and try to do something about them, rather than blogging on some site and trying to convince everyone and even himself that there must be some dark secret from his childhood that's preventing him from enjoying his own life. He needs to man up, and own up to his own fill in the blank, whatever it is that's causing him to go through women like toilet paper. Has absolutely nothing to do with his early experience unless he's talking about coerced sex or something like that -- I could see that being an issue, because that would be a breach of trust. But acting out a fantasy with someone he knows, even if it's a fantasy member? Nah, that's not holding him back. He's holding him back.
Absolutely. As a parent, I would feel like my trust was violated whether or not both parties were consenting. The older cousin (AND they younger one) should have exercised better judgment. But the onus is on the older one, as she is in the position of authority in a manner of speaking.
Frankly, molesters are usually trusted family members or friends, so it's not hard to conceive of this happening. What blows my mind is that if they really saw it this way, they sure are being SUPER forgiving. I don't think most people would forgive that. Maybe it's because she is a girl...who knows?
I don't think that this is the same as molestation, though. This is taboo and perhaps inappropriate, but experimenting with sex at a time when both people are dealing with raging hormones and underdeveloped faculties is not the same as forcing one's self upon another. When I was a teenager I fantasized about having sex with older women, including relatives. Wouldn't hold them accountable at all. The problem is that the OP's male cousin wants someone to blame other than himself. The deeper problem is that he's feeling all sorts of weirdness because everyone puts a huge stigma on sex and in particular sex between cousins. I think people need to lighten up and accept it as part of their past.
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