what would you do if you found out your father twisted the truth and lied on you???!! (person, children)
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
my uncle raised me from age 5. i call him my dad. he adopted a little boy when i was 14. the boy was 4. i refer to him as my brother. i am mixed race half black half white. my brother is white. my uncle is white. the blatant bias he has shown me growing up has been more that obvious. 10 photos of my brother all over his cube at work. NONE of me. he kept me hidden. i was never taken to work events, picnics etc. there is more. but these days my concerns are my daughter. her dad is italian. she looks italian. the sweetest kid ever. good grades. while my brother's daughter has been kicked out of not only pre-school(YES! pre-school!!) but elementary and secondary for discipline problems. she is abusive to my uncle. while my kid is kind to him. and guess who he dotes on? yep! my neice! he "forgets" to take my kid places. takes my brother's kids all over town. to events. outings. and now my kid is older and has begun to notice. my uncle (who i call my dad ) says "oh stop! you know i love you both!!!" which really confuses me. yes! he would do anything for me financially. but what i have wanted was his time. not to be hidden. to feel like a part of a family. that does not happen. we invite him over for holidays. he never accepts without an argument that he always goes to me brother's home. he will not attend my daughter's recitals or school events but goes to ALL of my neices. yet i am supposed to believe this is LOVE???? that is not love. my daughter Begged my uncle to take her to football games at the local high school. he always refused saying he NEVER goes to high school games. she has asked 3 times. each time same answer. well she found out from my brother's kid that my uncle has taken my neice to EVERY GAME!!!!! he lied!! my kid was devastated. me too. the worst is. my aunt called and wanted to know why i wanted my uncle to take my daughter to a game and not my neice. i was confused. i learned he has been twisting the truth. and leaving out significant parts. he told her i said this and only this "i want you to take my daughter to a game without my neice!". left out that my daughter had begged him several times. left out he lied. left out my kid was devastated when she found out he took my neice and not her. what my therapist suggested was that he take my kid to at least ONE game alone, so she does not feel less than. without my neice. my uncle kept insisting on taking my neice. i got angry and left his car. so he told my aunt part of the story. leaving out that he has lied. and that this was advised by a therapist. making me look like i wanted to exclude my neice. i also left my daughter in his care last week. and she called me on her emergency cell to say she had been outside in the dark and cold of AN HOUR!! i rushed over to get her. my uncle says he was in the shed. we checked the shed. now i believe he lied about that too. my brother lives next door to him. and I KNOW he was there. if i say anything i am wrong. always. but i asked him 2 days ago if he discussed anything with anyone so i could defend myself. he said "NO! i don't do that! i would never do that!" now i am so hurt. he is a liar! and manipulator. and he twists the truth for his own gain. i am at a loss. i want to cut him off. but he is the only father i have ever known' please! any help would be great right now. thanks!
signed. heart broken.
signed. heart broken.
Last edited by ManhattanGirlz; 10-26-2010 at 09:14 AM..
Reason: fogot details
You can't control what other people do, even it it is family. And you can't make him become interested in your daughter just because you feel it is the right thing to do. Given that you have a child with behavioral problems, you should be focusing on what you can do for her, not what your uncle/father should be doing for her. Sorry to say it, but he doesn't owe your child anything.
If your father is a jackass, a liar, etc such is life, It isn't your fault and there is nothing you can do about it. You are just going to have the accept the fact that you were dealt a bad hand and get on with your life, because if you don't, you are only hurting yourself. It isn't going to matter to him a whit.
My own father and I stopped speaking in the late 80s, and every 5-7 years or so we'd try to relate with each other again. Long story short he's dead and I was not even informed when he was terminally ill for months. Oh well! That's not my fault. It may seem cold blooded but it just doesn't make any sense to torpedo your own life because of the actions of someone else.
hi ongletNYC. thanks for your response! my daughter is NOT the one with discipline problems. it's my brother's daughter. just wanted to clarify that. thank again for yout response. great advice.
Just because someone is related to you doesn't mean you own and undying allegiance to them. Relatives can be far more cruel than a total stranger. For your sake but even moreso for your daughter's, I would taper off my contact with him. When he decides to accept your family 100% the same as your brother's you can re-consider.
It isn't fair to your daughter to make her re-live the same treatment you endured as a child. Stop that cycle immediately. Love her and provide her all that she needs from her mother. Your father will ultimately be the one who loses if he chooses to continue his antics.
I would tell him(Father) that you want to talk to him, alone. I would tell him how you fill inside, just like you did here, and then I would walk away from everyone for awhile with no contact, Father, brother, etc.
Give them something to think about.
Meanwhile, I would enjoy my children and be proud of who you are, and like someone said, do not make them live the life that you lived. Nip it!
what my therapist suggested was that he take my kid to at least ONE game alone, so she does not feel less than. without my neice. my uncle kept insisting on taking my neice. i got angry and left his car. so he told my aunt part of the story. leaving out that he has lied. and that this was advised by a therapist.making me look like i wanted to exclude my neice.
i also left my daughter in his care last week. and she called me on her emergency cell to say she had been outside in the dark and cold of AN HOUR!! i rushed over to get her. my uncle says he was in the shed. we checked the shed. now i believe he lied about that too.thanks! signed. heart broken.
.
Find a new therapist, he/she isn't listening an giving you poor advice, just my opinion though.
The more you focus on their lack of attention and what you and your daughter aren't getting, the more your daughter will focus on the same and the worse she'll feel.
You're helping to contribute to the problem without realizing it, trying to force your Uncle to change and give what he isn't willing to give of himself. Its tough to accept and as much as it hurts you really need to distance yourself. If it helps to tell your Uncle why, I wouldn't hold back, but I wouldn't expect changes either.
Best Wishes
i am so sorry to hear this story
what i would do is write a letter to him explaining everything. write and tell him this is the last contact you will have with him if things dont change. then i would make copies and mail to each other person involved so they all know.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
my uncle raised me from age 5. i call him my dad. he adopted a little boy when i was 14. the boy was 4. i refer to him as my brother. i am mixed race half black half white. my brother is white. my uncle is white. the blatant bias he has shown me growing up has been more that obvious. 10 photos of my brother all over his cube at work. NONE of me. he kept me hidden. i was never taken to work events, picnics etc. there is more. but these days my concerns are my daughter. her dad is italian. she looks italian. the sweetest kid ever. good grades. while my brother's daughter has been kicked out of not only pre-school(YES! pre-school!!) but elementary and secondary for discipline problems. she is abusive to my uncle. while my kid is kind to him. and guess who he dotes on? yep! my neice! he "forgets" to take my kid places. takes my brother's kids all over town. to events. outings. and now my kid is older and has begun to notice. my uncle (who i call my dad ) says "oh stop! you know i love you both!!!" which really confuses me. yes! he would do anything for me financially. but what i have wanted was his time. not to be hidden. to feel like a part of a family. that does not happen. we invite him over for holidays. he never accepts without an argument that he always goes to me brother's home. he will not attend my daughter's recitals or school events but goes to ALL of my neices. yet i am supposed to believe this is LOVE???? that is not love. my daughter Begged my uncle to take her to football games at the local high school. he always refused saying he NEVER goes to high school games. she has asked 3 times. each time same answer. well she found out from my brother's kid that my uncle has taken my neice to EVERY GAME!!!!! he lied!! my kid was devastated. me too. the worst is. my aunt called and wanted to know why i wanted my uncle to take my daughter to a game and not my neice. i was confused. i learned he has been twisting the truth. and leaving out significant parts. he told her i said this and only this "i want you to take my daughter to a game without my neice!". left out that my daughter had begged him several times. left out he lied. left out my kid was devastated when she found out he took my neice and not her. what my therapist suggested was that he take my kid to at least ONE game alone, so she does not feel less than. without my neice. my uncle kept insisting on taking my neice. i got angry and left his car. so he told my aunt part of the story. leaving out that he has lied. and that this was advised by a therapist. making me look like i wanted to exclude my neice. i also left my daughter in his care last week. and she called me on her emergency cell to say she had been outside in the dark and cold of AN HOUR!! i rushed over to get her. my uncle says he was in the shed. we checked the shed. now i believe he lied about that too. my brother lives next door to him. and I KNOW he was there. if i say anything i am wrong. always. but i asked him 2 days ago if he discussed anything with anyone so i could defend myself. he said "NO! i don't do that! i would never do that!" now i am so hurt. he is a liar! and manipulator. and he twists the truth for his own gain. i am at a loss. i want to cut him off. but he is the only father i have ever known' please! any help would be great right now. thanks!
