Well, for the past two days I've been thinking about how mad and disappointed I am with myself. I feel like I've failed at life and a disappointment to my family. I'm still young (24) but feel like I'm SO inexperienced at life. On one hand, I've done and experienced many things in life and coming from a poverty, drug infested and abusive household, I was able to see and experience affluence and the finer things in life (camping, snowboarding, surfing, rich parties to name a few).I feel blessed to meet the people and do the things in life that has kept me from becoming feeble and close minded and has allowed me to want to strive for bigger, better horizons for myself and loved ones.
However, I feel that I have just been a big let down for my family and ultimately for myself. The reason being is because I had a conversation with some friends and co-workers who've traveled around the world and done and experienced plenty of things and who have good educations and basically got their house in order and are doing well.
Me on the other hand, I just keep letting things get in my way. I used to be so motivated and had big dreams, goals and plans. I wanted to travel outside the country before I was 21, wanted to go to university (went to college but didn't experience the "dorm life"), go to school abroad and so many other things. Here I am at 24 years of age, and now I am talking like plenty of my family who look back at their life and feel regret and talk saying "I wish" instead of saying "I did". Least to say, It's been making me very depressed and I kick myself on the butt all the time. Besides Canada and the border of Mexico, I haven't gone overseas, I haven't gotten a degree, I don't have my own apartment, I don't know how to speak my native tongues (Arabic and Spanish) very well, I haven't done some of the activities that plenty of my friends done a a younger age (sky diving for instance) and the list goes on.
I can come up with 101 excuses to why I didn't accomplish or haven't done plenty of what I set out to do. I can say that my mothers drug habits, the abusive life that I lived with my parents and the fact that I simply held my mother and younger siblings (who were babies at the time) together while my mother was an alcoholic and drug abuser since I didn't want my younger siblings taken away from my mother. I can just come up with plenty of excuses but the fact is that I stopped myself from doing what I wanted to do and I let my mother take advantage of me. I got too comfortable after a while because I figured its too late for me anyway.
Things have gotten better with my mother but the drive that I had before left and I'm finding it hard to be motivated again. Everyone in my family expected me to do so many things since I always spoke about wanting to be successful and how I wanted to visit all these countries and do all these things. My family thought I would graduate college and be the first to get a degree but since I haven't gotten a degree, and pretty much haven't accomplished most of the goals I set for myself, I know they look at me as a loser.
Plus, financially I am not exactly "balling". I don't have my own car or my own apartment, I have student loans piled to the sky, I still borrow money off my sister or grandmother when I'm broke like a joke. I do everything I can for my family and when I make good money I spend a lot of them since I feel like I don't do enough financially. I help my mother with bills and food but I still feel like its not enough. Its come to the point that if I buy something expensive for myself they say "How did you get that? Who brought that for you? Oh, did you hit the jackpot?" as in if I am incapable of purchasing things myself.
I've always been the butt of all jokes in my family and always been the black sheep. Whenever someone wanted to make themselves feel better in my family they can easily use me as an example since I have nothing to show for myself. No one respects me or takes me seriously and even when I stand up or defend myself, it doesn't mean anything to them, they just dismiss and blow me off. Even when I do accomplish something, they never really care or show much excitement for me unless its something that benefits them (like making more money). Basically my family gave up any little hope they had for me and pretty much think I'll never accomplish anything (no exaggeration here).
I know I've let my mother get in the way of everything I've wanted to do and I've let her take advantage of me going above and beyond for her, something she never appreciates. I've also let my family just abuse me since I dismissed it as them just being family. I know my family loves me, but its only because without me they won't be able to do a lot of thngs. Once I'm out the picture or if I leave for a period of time, my phone rings off the hook and they "need" me to come home. I've tolerated my families abuse because I dearly care for and love them but I just want them to respect me. I just feel like no matter what I've done it just goes unnoticed to them.
I know in order to get respect, I need to accomplish my goals, move out of my mothers place, make better money, maybe get a car, and simply find success and happiness in my life. It's just hard for me though since I feel like its too late for me. I feel old and like the biggest loser right now
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Ugh, I'm sorry but I just needed to vent. My friends aren't the best listeners and they always seem to not want to listen to me, though I never pester them with anything and they always cry to me (Argentina) when the you-know-what hits the fan for them. Anyway, thanks for reading!!
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