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Sounds like you guys are making some pretty big leaps if you ask me. So, based on a fairly small amount of data, the guy was a loser from the get go???
IDK, seems a little off to me. JMHO, of course.
I agree! It always surprises me how so many posters on C-D can read a little bit of information and come up with all the answers, but only because they have such an active imagination. We have several ladies on this forum that are smart and always seem to write good, intelligent posts, then we have a few other ladies that just amaze me with their thoughts. Sometimes their writing makes you wonder about their past experiences with men. And before one of you is quick to jump on this and say "men do this too", I agree, they do it isn't just a female thing.
When I was 15 I dated this girl until i was 19. I broke up with her because to me life was just beginning and nobody was gonna hold me down. Well 3 yrs later she was caught and arrested for shoplifting. I was very shocked because she never appeared in that light to me. Well fast-forward 20 yrs and man what a BIG difference. I mean like a 400LB difference. I almost didn,t recognize her and the only thing that kept coming into my head was fat jokes and comments. I sometimes wonder if dating me during those young yrs somehow helped place her on her path in life.
I have a wonderfully self destructive friend, who I've talked about before. Very interesting guy. I used to talk to him a lot and offered advice when requested. Now I talk to him here and there and only listen now. He knows he is self destructive and admits it, but doesn't take steps to change. Therefore there isn't much else I can do.
Partly what I think a lot of this comes down to is boundaries and you have to think about what you allow into your life. Negative people, drugs, kinky sex, criminals, drama queens, liars, cheats, etc. It's all out there and even if criticized, as I often am, for not being "open", you do have to take care with everything out there and what you allow around you.
A lot of people rush to get married and end up with dodgy, manipulative partners. Or they start running with the party woo hoo crowd. Or they start having kinky 3 ways with the wrong people.
I love this one! I couldn't agree more! You have to be willing to set boundaries. We all have a choice....temptations will always be there. We choose which ones we're going to give in to.
I also like your final paragraph. How many people rush into marriage, not really knowing who they're marrying? Worse yet, how many people decide that they're going to straighten up, grow up, settle down....only to settle down and then change their minds? Oops...I was wrong! I don't really like this settling down business....think I'll go back to the party scene. Well, if you're both on the same page, the marriage might still work. Unfortunately, it seems to be more common that only one of them wants to go back to the party lifestyle!
I love this one! I couldn't agree more! You have to be willing to set boundaries. We all have a choice....temptations will always be there. We choose which ones we're going to give in to.
I also like your final paragraph. How many people rush into marriage, not really knowing who they're marrying? Worse yet, how many people decide that they're going to straighten up, grow up, settle down....only to settle down and then change their minds? Oops...I was wrong! I don't really like this settling down business....think I'll go back to the party scene. Well, if you're both on the same page, the marriage might still work. Unfortunately, it seems to be more common that only one of them wants to go back to the party lifestyle!
Right on with that. If a person needs to settle down, he/she needs to start that process well before marriage. The mere process of getting married doesn't mean magic dust that clears the mind & flesh of old ways of thinking & doing. In fact, times of pressure can feed temptations to "escape" back to former ways. A person should at least find the better path & be on it awhile before marriage.
Our pastor speaks on marriage several times a year. He makes a good point that most of us are at our best during courtship, trying to impress the other. When married, we soon get back to "normal". He would say "Ladies, if a boyfriend has some issues that bother you, don't think you can work on him & improve him when you are married. You are already seeing the BEST he has to offer, as he is trying to win you. After he has you, he can be himself again." Basically true. Not good to count on finding the exceptions. Consider the exceptions an unexpected bonus.
I have a friend like that. 38, professional and so pretty but, low self esteem
She supports her cheating boyfriend. He treats her as the maid. She works 60 hours a week to pay for all the bills, and he does not pay for anything (because is "her house" but he stays there all the time)
She cooks for him, cleans for him. He can go away the weekend and not calling and she does not bother to ask where.
I do not get it.... It can only be low self esteem. Because she is not stupid or anything.
BTW she wants to get married "Someday" but he still married to wife #2. I will never get why such a beautiful girl who could have something better sticks to that loser.
Who tells him in front of people "you know I do not love you" i was like WHAT???
I just cannot believe this. I had lunch with a long-time friend of mine today. I hadn't talked to him in a few months, so we were catching up on our lives. Here's where this guy was five years ago:
1. Married (Somewhat unhappily) with four kids, all under 12.
2. Successful photography business that was growing by leaps and bounds.
3. Money in the bank.
4. Good credit.
I mean, here is a guy who had it all. Even though his marriage was somewhat unhappy, he had everything else going well in life. But he made some really crappy decisions, including:
1. Decided to photograph nude models without telling his rather straight-laced wife.
2. Decided to rent a huge building for his studio, even though he would never conceivably use more than a tenth of it. At the time, he asked my advice. I said, "Don't do it." He signed the lease anyway.
3. Got a bitter divorce, but then pretty much gave away the farm, including all his investments, savings, you name it. No, no proof of infidelity in the divorce.
4. Immediately started dating girls 15-20 years younger than he, sowing his wild oats.
5. Stopped working so hard at his biz, instead taking off a month at a time to travel overseas with the Girlfriend of the Month.
Today? Here's where he is:
1. Divorced. Bitterly.
2. Recently filed from bankruptcy, owing close to $200,000 in loans and business rent.
3. Living with his diabetic, wheelchair-bound father.
4. Dealing with his one-month old by his new girlfriend, whom he already hates.
So my question is this. Have you ever encountered a person who just totally went off the rails? Somebody who just defied all common sense and made incredibly stupid decisions? Now this guy is going to be a huge burden to his family. While I've used his photography in the past, he just hasn't kept his edge of late, so I'm nervous about using him.
Yeah, I'm his friend, so I'll give him advice and whatever help I can. But I'm worried that I'll be his one-man support system and will be propping him up for years.
Sounds like your friend had experienced a mid-life crisis, just before his world started to implode. I can see the economy being the reason for numbers 2 and 3. Having 4 kids and a wife can be an enormous economic strain, particularly if he was the sole breadwinner, still it doesn't excuse him for the poor judgement in branching out into "nudes" without telling his significant other. The last one is just crazy - can't explain that one away.......
To answer your question - No. Try and point him in the right direction, but I would not be his emotional crutch - it will sap the heck out of you.
I have a friend like that. 38, professional and so pretty but, low self esteem
She supports her cheating boyfriend. He treats her as the maid. She works 60 hours a week to pay for all the bills, and he does not pay for anything (because is "her house" but he stays there all the time)
She cooks for him, cleans for him. He can go away the weekend and not calling and she does not bother to ask where.
I do not get it.... It can only be low self esteem. Because she is not stupid or anything.
BTW she wants to get married "Someday" but he still married to wife #2. I will never get why such a beautiful girl who could have something better sticks to that loser.
Who tells him in front of people "you know I do not love you" i was like WHAT???
anyway, nothing I can do about it.
Your friend is "insecure". I've seen this before, no cure for it, i'll bet she would bend over backwards for him - he knows it and is milking it for all its worth.
Your friend is "insecure". I've seen this before, no cure for it, i'll bet she would bend over backwards for him - he knows it and is milking it for all its worth.
It kills me, honestly, to see it!
He does not like me though, I guess because I can see him for all he really is.
I am 33 and there is no way in this world I would financially support a man. Maybe I am an old maid now LOL... But No way, if I can pay for expenses so can my partner.
No milking this (beautiful) cow for free, financially speaking. I only support my cat LOL
He does not like me though, I guess because I can see him for all he really is.
I am 33 and there is no way in this world I would financially support a man. Maybe I am an old maid now LOL... But No way, if I can pay for expenses so can my partner.
No milking this (beautiful) cow for free, financially speaking. I only support my cat LOL
That's right - he doesn't like you because he's a flake and you know it. Your friend on the other hand is wearing rose-colored glasses and refuses to see what everyone else knows - if you tell her, she will accuse you of not being her friend and dump you.
Right on with that. If a person needs to settle down, he/she needs to start that process well before marriage. The mere process of getting married doesn't mean magic dust that clears the mind & flesh of old ways of thinking & doing. In fact, times of pressure can feed temptations to "escape" back to former ways. A person should at least find the better path & be on it awhile before marriage.
Our pastor speaks on marriage several times a year. He makes a good point that most of us are at our best during courtship, trying to impress the other. When married, we soon get back to "normal". He would say "Ladies, if a boyfriend has some issues that bother you, don't think you can work on him & improve him when you are married. You are already seeing the BEST he has to offer, as he is trying to win you. After he has you, he can be himself again." Basically true. Not good to count on finding the exceptions. Consider the exceptions an unexpected bonus.
Absolutely right.....if there are things that feel way too "ishy" about someone you're dating or living with, people should never, ever assume that person is going to change, once a ring is on their finger. Instead, it's best to assume that those things are NEVER going to change. You know what they're like....if it drives you crazy, walk away before children come in to the picture or there are assets which have to be divided. There really is someone for everyone, it's unfornate that so many are not willing to either change themselves (because they want to), or wait until the right person comes along. It's unfortunate that people do behave differently during the courting process though....because that's generally when you "fall in love" with the person and can become blinded to their faults.
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JMHO, of course.
