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thanks Johnny. I love my mom and appreciate her, but sometimes its just so hard to show it when I feel shut out by her negativity. meh. oh well I guess, I'll just have to write her that letter when I move out.
Warning: psych advice....
You can use behavioral therapy techniques to alter her behavior (at least in your presence). You can allow a couple of negative comments to go by and just leave on the third. No explanation needed. "Sorry, I've got to go. I have an appointment" or some other excuse. "I'll talk to you later". Do this over time and she'll start monitoring her own comments without you even bringing up the topic of her negativity.
I feel for you, Mir. I have a very complex relationship with both my parents (must be in that DNA ). I wish they didn't make it so hard to love them and be closer to them.
I didn't even realize that my relationship with them was not "normal" until I moved out and met my husband. I saw the way he and his parents interacted and I wanted that kind of relationship with my parents too, but that's just not meant to be. They are who they are and I can't change them. The best I can do is maintain a relationship while protecting myself, my husband and my kids from getting hurt. It's not easy and I have to eat a lot of crap for choosing to keep them in my life, but I wouldn't be able to sleep at night if I were to completely cut them off.
If you want to maintain the relationship, you will have to accept her for how she is. I think if & when you move out, you may see a difference; either in how she acts or how much more you can tolerate it.
You can use behavioral therapy techniques to alter her behavior (at least in your presence). You can allow a couple of negative comments to go by and just leave on the third. No explanation needed. "Sorry, I've got to go. I have an appointment" or some other excuse. "I'll talk to you later". Do this over time and she'll start monitoring her own comments without you even bringing up the topic of her negativity.
hahaha, oh I do that too! she just chases after me, screaming whatever she feels like. Every morning, she'll yell something at me and i've already gotten away and into my car so I can't hear her by then, but there she is at the front door of the apartment, still screaming away!
I feel for you, Mir. I have a very complex relationship with both my parents (must be in that DNA ). I wish they didn't make it so hard to love them and be closer to them.
I didn't even realize that my relationship with them was not "normal" until I moved out and met my husband. I saw the way he and his parents interacted and I wanted that kind of relationship with my parents too, but that's just not meant to be. They are who they are and I can't change them. The best I can do is maintain a relationship while protecting myself, my husband and my kids from getting hurt. It's not easy and I have to eat a lot of crap for choosing to keep them in my life, but I wouldn't be able to sleep at night if I were to completely cut them off.
If you want to maintain the relationship, you will have to accept her for how she is. I think if & when you move out, you may see a difference; either in how she acts or how much more you can tolerate it.
Good luck.
ya, I'm the same as you. I didn't know what normal was until I met my ex and saw how he was with his parents. I guess its not meant to be for me either but the guilt would be too much if I cut my mother off. I guess I can just keep her at arms length. I hope me moving out makes a difference, but it shoudln't take me moving out. That's crazy.
ya, I'm the same as you. I didn't know what normal was until I met my ex and saw how he was with his parents. I guess its not meant to be for me either but the guilt would be too much if I cut my mother off. I guess I can just keep her at arms length. I hope me moving out makes a difference, but it shoudln't take me moving out. That's crazy.
Yes its sucks. As long as you are able to continue with your plans in life in the manner you want and choose for yourself, without being guilted otherwise, it's better to have a relationship with your mom than to not have one at all.
... Big problem: she's in early stages of alzheimer's, and I have one bro and one extremely irresponsible sis.
I am sorry. The aging and eventual deterioration of our parents is difficult even if our relationships with them is positive. In the case of my mother, fortunately, my older brother is a responsible person and helps with checking in on her. It is hard since my mother lives in a different state than any of her kids (none of the five remaining live in the same state as any of the others).
@ Mir86; Sounds like you have your situation figured out. I do not see the reason to bring up things in a letter for your moving out but if it helps how you handle it, well there is nothing more to be said.
I am sorry. The aging and eventual deterioration of our parents is difficult even if our relationships with them is positive.
Yes, I've been trying to figure out what's worse--having a wonderful and beloved parent slide downhill and lose their mind or having one like mine and watching her go downhill (very slowly) and go through all of the guilt of knowing that you're responsible for her and resenting every moment of it. What I've just written sounds horrible, but such it is.
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). I wish they didn't make it so hard to love them and be closer to them.
and I have one bro and one extremely irresponsible sis.
