Why do people kick you when you're down? (spouse, husband, wedding)
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More good points. I think the take-away from your post is "civility." If you can't be civil, just walk away, say nothing. Maybe that is why so many find themselves in certain situations that I've read about (as in abandoned in times of need) as maybe it's actually kinder to just walk away than to say what you really think. Still, those people that do this were really never friends to begin with so I guess it's best for everyone involved.
I believe so. Many times when you are dealing with a person who doesn't understand personal responsibility, they will misinterpret your act of walking away not as civility but abandoning. This is how they shut themselves out from the "functioning" world and not the other way around.
I don't walk away because it is better to keep quiet than say what is on my mind. That sounds to me like too much judgment going on. I walk away because I don't want to make a person dependent on me to get them through life. I believe they have what it takes, they just don't know it yet.
I believe so. Many times when you are dealing with a person who doesn't understand personal responsibility, they will misinterpret your act of walking away not as civility but abandoning. This is how they shut themselves out from the "functioning" world and not the other way around.
I don't walk away because it is better to keep quiet than say what is on my mind. That sounds to me like too much judgment going on. I walk away because I don't want to make a person dependent on me to get them through life. I believe they have what it takes, they just don't know it yet.
This really is circumstance dependent. Yeah, if you've got the friend calling you at 2 a.m. crying about the latest GF/BF woes I agree. But when you're dealing with someone's death, I disagree. That is when people really do need people and if you have nothing nice to say at all, just say nothing at all and walk away. However, you *will* be perceived as a jerk and rightly so if you've been otherwise very close to this person.
Society has gone nut-so with this codependents crap and thinking that just because (what for thousands of years has been considered "normal") someone leans on someone in a time of sorrow that someone else should just ditch them and that this is acceptable behavior.
This really is circumstance dependent. Yeah, if you've got the friend calling you at 2 a.m. crying about the latest GF/BF woes I agree. But when you're dealing with someone's death, I disagree. That is when people really do need people and if you have nothing nice to say at all, just say nothing at all and walk away. However, you *will* be perceived as a jerk and rightly so if you've been otherwise very close to this person.
Society has gone nut-so with this codependents crap and thinking that just because (what for thousands of years has been considered "normal") someone leans on someone in a time of sorrow that someone else should just ditch them and that this is acceptable behavior.
The co-dependency crap, I think has do with the fact we live in the gadget-driven world and less reliability on close family and friends as they tend to be more scattered around
The co-dependency crap, I think has do with the fact we live in the gadget-driven world and less reliability on close family and friends as they tend to be more scattered around
I think it has to do with the whole pop psychology movement and the fact that the 12 steps were moved into the pop psychology area. Now, if you care about someone, you're an "enabler." I could go on and on and I won't. Suffice to say, all of this really is circumstance driven. What might feel like the end of the world to someone might be nothing more than an ouch to someone else. But I maintain there *are* certain events in life that do make it worth lending an ear to - and those would be death, divorce, job loss and being homeless. Girls and boys come and go. This other stuff is major, traumatic, and not so easy to fix. Therefore, when dealing with certain subject matter, it's important to just realize where one's limits are and try to be kind and do the right thing for all involved.
This really is circumstance dependent. Yeah, if you've got the friend calling you at 2 a.m. crying about the latest GF/BF woes I agree. But when you're dealing with someone's death, I disagree. That is when people really do need people and if you have nothing nice to say at all, just say nothing at all and walk away. However, you *will* be perceived as a jerk and rightly so if you've been otherwise very close to this person.
Society has gone nut-so with this codependents crap and thinking that just because (what for thousands of years has been considered "normal") someone leans on someone in a time of sorrow that someone else should just ditch them and that this is acceptable behavior.
I never said people don't need people. We were talking about not having anything nice to say vs. walking away. You never know how people react when it comes to death.
With my daughter, I do allow her to trust her own judgment but that doesn't mean she doesn't need me. When a friend calls me and asks how I felt about a way a particular person acted, I don't simply brush her aside and tell her to figure it out herself. Like the other day, my girlfriend asked this very question. This was the conversation:
GF-So what did you think of their behavior?
Me-The same.
GF-Did you feel uncomfortable?
Me-Not this time. You know, they just seemed to lack enthusiasm about coming to my house. (This is me taking it personally.)
GF-You know, I think they are just boring people.
Me-You know what, I think you are right. They are boring. LOL!
GF-Let us just call them laid back.
Me-That is a nicer way of putting it. I shouldn't hold that against them.
We relied on each other but we made a bad situation better. We decided to keep these women as acquaintances. I said it before, I love my friends.
I never said people don't need people. We were talking about not having anything nice to say vs. walking away. You never know how people react when it comes to death.
With my daughter, I do allow her to trust her own judgment but that doesn't mean she doesn't need me. When a friend calls me and asks how I felt about a way a particular person acted, I don't simply brush her aside and tell her to figure it out herself. Like the other day, my girlfriend asked this very question. This was the conversation:
GF-So what did you think of their behavior?
Me-The same.
GF-Did you feel uncomfortable?
Me-Not this time. You know, they just seemed to lack enthusiasm about coming to my house. (This is me taking it personally.)
GF-You know, I think they are just boring people.
Me-You know what, I think you are right. They are boring. LOL!
GF-Let us just call them laid back.
Me-That is a nicer way of putting it. I shouldn't hold that against them.
We relied on each other but we made a bad situation better. We decided to keep these women as acquaintances. I said it before, I love my friends.
Well, this is a mentally healthy approach to a not a large investment in things type of situation. Like I said, it is all circumstance driven. And framing it as "laid back" is a good way of looking at things, as it's positive and not necessarily blocking off future contact with these people.
I (in this thread) was referring to the more going for the jugular type of response that sometimes occurs when certain big life situations develop. That to me is kicking people when they are down.
Ok, I'll tell you what my sister said to me during my divorce. So, first of all she says, "Let me know if there is anything you need, any way I can help." Later it turns into, "you know, my life is really pretty terrific and if yours isn't, that's too bad, and maybe you should look at what you did to bring this about." Ouch. Ok, so she is a biatch and a double faced one at that. No time for her. If I got a call today she dropped dead, I'd have to pretend to care. I just have no time for certain things and duplicity is high on my list.
I guess there are probably many reasons people kick you when you're down - to shut you up, to get even, out of passive-aggressiveness, because they harbor resentments and finally you're an easy target, because they don't want it to be about you - rather about them, etc, etc.
It can be VERY difficult to be around someone who is going through a tough time, if they need to vent, cry, whine, pout, and complain - and they expect you to listen to all that, for extended periods of time. And if they start to twist the truth, and make everything about them, and turn themselves into a victim? That's just brutal to be around...
I am compassionate, sure, and I'll listen and be sympathetic - but there are some people who are so difficult to be around, it's hard to be there for them.
Ok, I'll tell you what my sister said to me during my divorce. So, first of all she says, "Let me know if there is anything you need, any way I can help." Later it turns into, "you know, my life is really pretty terrific and if yours isn't, that's too bad, and maybe you should look at what you did to bring this about." Ouch. Ok, so she is a biatch and a double faced one at that. No time for her. If I got a call today she dropped dead, I'd have to pretend to care. I just have no time for certain things and duplicity is high on my list.
You're cutting your sister out of your life over that one comment? There must be more to it, because that comment sounds like she cares about you and wants the best for you - she's just clumsy at expressing it...
The term for it is "schadenfreude", I believe- taking delight in another person's suffering. We kick others when they're down because it makes us feel good (for a brief moment.)
Not everyone partakes in this behavior, of course, but the adage "treat others as you'd like to be treated" seems to be going out with the times.
They do it to give themselves a moment of power. People are addicted to power and feeling powerful. When you show weakness, its a chance to make themselves feel powerful.
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I could go on and on and I won't. Suffice to say, all of this really is circumstance driven. What might feel like the end of the world to someone might be nothing more than an ouch to someone else. But I maintain there *are* certain events in life that do make it worth lending an ear to - and those would be death, divorce, job loss and being homeless. Girls and boys come and go. This other stuff is major, traumatic, and not so easy to fix. Therefore, when dealing with certain subject matter, it's important to just realize where one's limits are and try to be kind and do the right thing for all involved.
