Falling out with family member

[chickenfriedbananas]

I'm partially estranged from my family on my mother's side, and in particular I'm fully estranged from my half brother. Over the years, I've gradually decided to live my life and pursue my own ambitions, which has meant less face time and involvement with them. They've taken it personally, and instead of dealing with it like adults, they've become manipulative and tried to punish me by cutting off contact.

I think (hope) my relationship with my mother will improve with time, but I am near the point of ending it with my half brother. He is a good person in many ways, but he can be extremely manipulative. Several times over the past 10 years he has threatened to end our relationship whenever I make decisions he doesn't agree with -- something I've never, ever done with him. I've always reluctantly been the one to step forward to try to mend the fences afterward, but I'm getting to the point where I can't do that anymore.

What's painful about my estrangement is that for years I was basically on my family's good side. We got along great. But when I started making more of my own decisions and becoming more autonomous, things began to come undone and I get called out for it. I still care about them, but I also resent them for trying to manipulate me.

The thing is, in this case, I don't think there is a 'right' or a 'wrong.' I can't say they're wrong for feeling the way they feel. They want me to live closer, and I understand it's motivated by love underneath - even if it doesn't always seem like it. But it's the pettiness, the manipulation that I can no longer stand, especially now that I have a wife to think about.

And in case anyone is reading this with a skeptical eye, thinking "there's surely another side to this story," I agree, there is. I would never say that I am the sole possessor of the truth. I am sure they would point out faults of mine and I might even agree with them in some cases. The point is, adults can work this out without having to threaten to end relationships and in the end, I believe that unless someone is doing something illegal or unethical, what one does with one's life should be respected, even if people disagree or don't feel comfortable with their choices. That's the part that my half brother doesn't seem to understand, and I'm about done with it.

[Mt-7]

Originally Posted by birdinmigration

Yes, I bet you are a great one. My mother actually said to me one time when my kids were younger -- "You are such a terrific mother. I don't know how you did it. You managed to break the cycle of abuse."

You see, she was not unaware.

My answer to her was -- "It was simple, mom. I took everything you did...and did the opposite."

My motto everyday in everything I do! Good for you.

[Mt-7]

You may just be on the right track here.
Put time and effort in your marriage, that is where your life is now. Good luck.

[steel7]

In a nutshell some relatives can be downright mean & those are the ones to avoid at all costs. I have a cousin that lives maybe 4 miles away & he treats me & my family poorly. He has MAJOR issues. I havent seen him since last aug. I did call him a few xs but he never called back.

[crisan]

Originally Posted by d-boy-80

You sound familiar. You do something wrong and then come around to apologizing whenever you feel like it. And when you do you expect forgiveness. However, when someone has had enough of you, you blame them and say its in their court. You did something.

I was NOT talking about you though. Just saying you come off familiar.

You understand the type? That gets angry when you defend yourself but stays angry and won't forgive or apologize you until they have come to? Can't stand that type.

I (hypothetically) do something wrong. I then apologize when I feel like it.

I then expect forgiveness and if I don't get it, I blame the other person for not reforming the relationship.

Did I get this right?

Way back when I might have behaved like this. I don't anymore. One thing I learned is that when I want to hurt somebody it is usually because I am hurting inside. I had to stop the hurt inside. This was not the only significant change I made.

Now, if somebody has been hurt by something I did or said, I apologize immediately and I try to correct my behavior as best as I could. The reason being that more than one person may be bothered by the same behavior. The only difference is that I no longer try to purposely hurt another person.

Therefore, if they are hurt or if they don't like what they see, it is my mannerisms, my intelligence, my taste, my education, my personality that they judge. It also depends on what their expectations of me are, for example, if they expect me to lie about why I did such-and-such thing. In this case, I have no control over whether they want to have a relationship with me or not. This ball is in their court.

The only thing I can do is to try to improve just so that I can gain their approval again. This is where you run into the problem of changing for somebody else. I look at all sides and if changing that one thing means better relationships, then I may do it. However, the ball would still be in their court because they have to approve of the change.

Is this confusing enough?

[nokids4me]

Originally Posted by purehuman

I've had occasional fallouts with family members over the years....but with a forgiving heart, and some time...they've always mended...Lifes too short to hold grudges.....

It all depends on what caused the estrangement. If it's consistently abusive behavior, life's also too short to be treated badly!

[Nite Ryder]

I have been estranged from a family member for over 13 years. About two years after this first started I told him I was sorry for anything I might have said that upset him, and that I wished he would forgive me. My apology changed nothing. He was also estranged from other family members, some who have passed away. I've tried to put this whole thing out of my mind and not think about it.