Question About 18 Year Old Boys and Female Relatives for Men or Mothers of Men (deleted, house)
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My mom pulled this with me also....and I am a young woman.
1. Pull back from him a bit & develop your own life. Get a hobby...just find something to fill that void. Don't do this as a tactic to make him come after you. Genuinely find some other focus. If you have one already, put MORE into it or get another.
2. Meet him on his turf. He doesn't like to talk to you & finds you prying....why? Maybe his conversational style is less about asking/answering personal questions about everyday activities & life details. My mom likes this "gossipy" kind of talk, and with age I've learned to tolerate it, but as a teen it was a struggle. I was introverted & had little interest in "people talk" & found everyday life too mundane too discuss. However, if you talked to me about art or literature, then I might be engaged. In contrast, maybe he's more of an activity person or prefers to joke around & not trade factual life details. In any case, note how he talks & what he talks about with others when he seems happy to interact with them.
After scanning more of the thread, I see he has already given you a window into his interests, but you chose to close it. You've basically indirectly given him the same message he's given you directly: "You are not interesting to me anymore".
3. He is not rejecting you. Just because he is developing his own life & asserting independence doesn't mean he has rejected you. It's not personal & is no reflection of you worth as a person. Stop needing to be needed so much also. FYI - when people insist on doing stuff for others, even after others have asked them not to, it's no longer about giving selflessly. You're deriving some kind of pleasure/self-value from having control or influence or being needed. It's about YOU & how you feel about yourself, not the other person. You need to examine your emotional motivations a little more closely. I'll bet you'll find your motivations are more selfish than selfless in some ways.
Oh, yes, he did start around 14 too . . .we somehow have maintained a "relationship," however rocky it can be . . .it has been a power struggle all of the way with some sweet moments . . .I guess I just think that when you grow up you become MORE capable of holding an adult conversation . . .not less . . . maybe when he is 30?
yupp around the time he finishes College or starts his career he might have matured enough to have a decent discussion
As a 24 year old make, I guess I could throw in my 2 cents. My mother had always been there as a protector, beyond the point of necessary worry, but its her way. We have been living together alone now for 6 months while my dad is in a nursing home, and to say our relationship is odd would be an understatement.
You are bring too smothering from my point of view, especially if your going through his things, thats just wrong. You need to expect him to want privacy and begin living his own life.
We have had fights b before, honestly, I threatened her with a knife when I was younger, and those times are behind us. To be honest, I hit puberty when she hit menopause, so those teenage years were very trying on both of us.
Now here we are later. She accepts and understand my desire to move west, and is supportive, although she hates it. I see me as an extra burden, but she lives taking care of me, for some reason the extra work makes her happy.
Through the years we have found each others boundaries and simulators, so we can share books, or go out to lunch or whatever, but ay 18, the last thing any man wants is someone rating him like a small child. He's growing up and becoming independant, so let him. Forcing yourself in will push you further away, and you'll wind up making him hate you while trying to love him. I've seen it in families and in my own relationships.
Just my opinions and experience, take from it what you will.
1) I realize and respect that he is individuating . . . AND I have conflicting ideas about this based on cultural messages . . .for instance, in traditional Asian culture, filial duties are actual law, I believe . . .the family is revered and old people are not cast off . . .same in tribal cultures . . .elders hold the wisdom of their tribe and have great rank. In American culture, old people are useless, and old women are especially useless . . .It's very sexist and ageist . . .
2) I feel relationships, in general, should be reciprocal. Obviously babies and small children are dependent upon you and cannot reciprocate, but when people become adults, I believe relationships should not be one way only. On this thread, his needs are a major concern, while mine are trivialized. I realize this is because of cultural prescriptions and it is not personal in that sense. But the personal is always political as some famous feminist once said (her name has slipped my mind - I did say I was old). Edit: Betty Friedan.
3) I understand that if I want a relationship with him, I have to make an effort to appreciate HIS interests . . .what is his duty to me? Oh yeah, nothing. It's all about him and it's all about men, in general . . . what women want doesn't count or is stupid - anyway, it has no rank in this culture. If I sound bitter on this point it is because I am. It absolutely stinks that things are so one-sided.
4) To the person who said "find a hobby" - I have lots of hobbies and interests but what I need to do is not concentrate on someone who has absolutely no consideration for me. I see that now.
5) To the person who told me to examine my motives, re: "helping" - I have looked at this long and hard. I don't like to help many people, so I am not a professional "helper." In our history, I have been in a position where I NEEDED to provide for him and I have willingly taken that on because I love him. On the laundry issue: Like most everyone on the planet, I am not crazy about doing laundry and can barely keep up with my own - but for him, it was an act of love to do something that I felt was so needed . . .so yes, I did derive such pleasure for providing a service to someone I love that was needed . . .what I have come to realize is that there really is little appreciation and I was not doing it for appreciation, per se . . .but in the name of a reciprocal relationship, there "should" be some to even things out (known as "energy exchange in Feng Shui)
That's all at the moment, but this is a huge issue for me . . .I do love him and will continue to love him but am definitely backing off.
As a 24 year old make, I guess I could throw in my 2 cents. My mother had always been there as a protector, beyond the point of necessary worry, but its her way. We have been living together alone now for 6 months while my dad is in a nursing home, and to say our relationship is odd would be an understatement.
You are bring too smothering from my point of view, especially if your going through his things, thats just wrong. You need to expect him to want privacy and begin living his own life.
We have had fights b before, honestly, I threatened her with a knife when I was younger, and those times are behind us. To be honest, I hit puberty when she hit menopause, so those teenage years were very trying on both of us.
Now here we are later. She accepts and understand my desire to move west, and is supportive, although she hates it. I see me as an extra burden, but she lives taking care of me, for some reason the extra work makes her happy.
Through the years we have found each others boundaries and simulators, so we can share books, or go out to lunch or whatever, but ay 18, the last thing any man wants is someone rating him like a small child. He's growing up and becoming independant, so let him. Forcing yourself in will push you further away, and you'll wind up making him hate you while trying to love him. I've seen it in families and in my own relationships.
Just my opinions and experience, take from it what you will.
Thank you. I hear you and do appreciate your input. It helps me a lot. Thank you so much for sharing.
Then the other things you have to consider -- if you wish to remain close with him, he wasn't for whatever reasons raised in an Asian culture so you can't expect him to act like a kid that was. He's as much a product of his own culture as you are of yours.
And the stereotype you have of Americans is also wrong. People don't just throw away their elderly, the elderly lose touch with them just like you are losing touch with this boy. You don't care what he is right now. He was probably lots of fun as a small child -- and it's like the child stars that lose their cuteness and everyone stops caring about them.
He's evolving transforming from the larval stage to the butterfly, he's not quite an adult that you can relate to, he's not the little child you could relate to as a child.
American culture is just more free, 18 year olds are not bound to tradition when they care about their relatives. Yet a lot of did have some older person who remained interested in who we were, those never got tossed aside.
2) I feel relationships, in general, should be reciprocal. Obviously babies and small children are dependent upon you and cannot reciprocate, but when people become adults, I believe relationships should not be one way only. On this thread, his needs are a major concern, while mine are trivialized. I realize this is because of cultural prescriptions and it is not personal in that sense. But the personal is always political as some famous feminist once said (her name has slipped my mind - I did say I was old). Edit: Betty Friedan.
maybe im wrong, but it seems you are trying to use logical thinking on a situation that is not logical, its more emotional. Logically it would make sense to reciprocate when another has done something nice for us, but it is not always the case in practice especially considering his age of 18.
I don't think that this is somehow gender related, as girls as well as boys act this way (not all) and you have to take responsibility for your own actions, that may cause his reactions. If you were to smother most adults around the age of 18 or even older they would probably react the same way.
Well, it seems obvious that you "should" have learned this by raising your own children, as you indicated you have done earlier in this thread.
The fact that you are still puzzling over this universal separation issue--as someone who has parented before--raises a lot of doubts about the veracity of what you have shared on this board.
My thoughts too
Last edited by lovesMountains; 11-19-2011 at 07:49 PM..
Interesting. Because my experiences don't make sense to you then it follows that I am a liar. So logical.
I have no respect for name-calling.
There is nothing in any of my posts that have been less than "truthful." Anyone who would question that is not anyone whose opinion I would respect.
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