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So, let me put it more bluntly in the form of a question. OP, what was your experience and reaction when your OWN children went through the separation process at age 18 or so? How is this situation different?
That is what people here are not understanding. Can you help us get a clearer picture? Because it seems like you are purposely leaving out great chunks of important information about your parenting history that is relevant to the situation that we are attempting to analyze and comment upon. That's not being very honest on your part, is it?
Good effort - you are expressing what most of us here are feeling.
She said she wanted help in understanding why this kid is acting this way but she seems more determined to deflect and reject
First of all, it is untrue that old people are valued in American culture . . . maybe some are treated better than others due to their charming personalities but as a group of people, they are not valued. It's a youth-obsessed culture in America . . . we all know that. There is no reverence for experience of wisdom . . .it's all about what you look like on the outside - all shiny and sparkly stuff - very shallow.
Secondly, you took a statement I made about not watching him lift one time and how I don't find lifting fascinating, and you extended that to me not caring about his interests. Nothing could be further from the truth. He is a very interesting person - that's why I LOVE to talk to him . . .he is very intelligent and has all kinds of interesting ideas, friends, and experiences . . .but he does not want to share any of that with me, which I now have a better appreciation for, thanks to this thread.
He frequently wants me to listen to some rap video on YouTube and I do suffer through it. He tells me to ignore the swearing and listen to the messages, which I try to do. It makes me very uncomfortable, but I do try to at least pretend that I am listening and then we discuss the messages, sometimes.
We have different values - I am always trying to get him to read uplifting books, for instance, and I buy him classics, etc. - He is tending to gravitate towards popular culture stuff, and I know that is natural, but I hope the other influences will appeal at some point.
It doesn't sound like it's that bad between you and him.
I think you just have to accept that for whatever reason, you were raised in your own Asian culture but he was not. So you have gender, age, and cultural gaps between you.
I know that can be difficult, for example a couple who came here from Mexico was very shocked that their own kids would chose their own music preference. Back home kids just listen to whatever music the parents choose, a kid would never think to change the radio station or select a television show.
The father was more accepting, he told his wife that like it or not their kids were Americanized, and if they really wished to raise them like they had been raised, they should have remained in the old country.
The other thing is that you should be happy that this child you helped raised has been able to adjust so well to the culture here, he sounds like a pretty normal and nice American kid. So nice that he still invites you to watch his progress with the weights and even tries to talk to you about the messages he sees in the videos he likes. He is just 18, he'll change some more before it's all done. 18 year olds like to find messages of some kind in videos, you may not see the same message. You can disregard those videos if you don't like them, kids don't require their elders to like all the same things.
It doesn't sound like it's that bad between you and him.
I think you just have to accept that for whatever reason, you were raised in your own Asian culture but he was not. So you have gender, age, and cultural gaps between you.
I know that can be difficult, for example a couple who came here from Mexico was very shocked that their own kids would chose their own music preference. Back home kids just listen to whatever music the parents choose, a kid would never think to change the radio station or select a television show.
The father was more accepting, he told his wife that like it or not their kids were Americanized, and if they really wished to raise them like they had been raised, they should have remained in the old country.
I was raised in an Asian culture? I had no idea!
No, I was not raised in an Asian culture . . .I just brought up the idea of filial responsibility because I find it such a contrast with American culture.
The other thing is that you should be happy that this child you helped raised has been able to adjust so well to the culture here, he sounds like a pretty normal and nice American kid. So nice that he still invites you to watch his progress with the weights and even tries to talk to you about the messages he sees in the videos he likes. He is just 18, he'll change some more before it's all done. 18 year olds like to find messages of some kind in videos, you may not see the same message. You can disregard those videos if you don't like them, kids don't require their elders to like all the same things.
He is a nice kid in a lot of ways - as I said, I love him very much.
I have learned a lot through this thread and will try to back off some for both of our sakes.
When my relative and I were together the other day, we took a picture together (at my suggestion, which is something I often do or at least when our interaction has been mostly positive) and I posted it on Facebook. He tagged the picture and commented below it that he loves me - so I thought that was really nice.
I have some hard work to do on myself . . .don't know if I am up for it, but I am going to try.
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