Am I being unreasonable about my addiction? (wife, husband, person)
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I am 50, my parents are in their 70s, and my daughter is 29. My daughter lives 1 hour from me. My parents live 1 1/2 hours from her and 2 1/2 hours from me.
I am an avid reader and I love my Kindle. I take it with me on any trip - anytime I'm spending the night anywhere, or flying. I read from it several hours a day. I read before I go to sleep at night.
I forgot my Kindle at my daughter's house a few days ago. As soon as I called to tell her (so that she could put it up safely - she has small children), she offered immediately to drive and meet me half way with it. Of course, I told her not to bother - I visit her about every other week or so, and I could do without it for awhile - better for me to be inconvenienced than to have her load the kids in the car and drive down the interstate to meet me at a truck stop! Besides that, we are meeting up for a big family vacation (my kids, not my parents) in Virginia in about 10 days. She could bring it with her, right?
Well, a few days passed, and I was really missing that Kindle. I considered having FedEx go pick it up from her house, but it's a very expensive model of the Kindle, with a very nice leather cover, and it was a gift from my husband - probably one of the best gifts I've ever received. Plus - my daughter would have to find a box, wait for the guy, and then it would cost money to ship anyway - and what if something happened to it? No, better to just wait.
Well, an amazing thing happened. My parents, who RARELY come to my house, decided to come for an overnight visit! Now, it has been probably two years since they came for a visit, though I drive up to see them at least once a month for a weekend (and stop along the way and buy my dad a six pack of beer since they live in a dry county). By the way, my parents are in good health and driving is not a problem for them.
Little bit of history here - I consider my parents to be extremely self absorbed. They basically refuse to be inconvenienced. Example - we had planned to have Thanksgiving at my daughter's house a few years ago - it's in between everyone. The weather forecast called for rain on Thanksgiving. About a 40 percent chance of rain. My parents didn't want to drive in the rain, so they actually thought it made more sense for all of us - me, my husband, my daughter, her husband and their four kids - to change our plans and drive to THEIR HOUSE. They absolutely refused to drive to her house - something they had never wanted to do in the first place - so, they spent Thanksgiving alone and we all got together as planned - and it didn't rain.
Anyway, that's just one example of the MANY examples I could give of them being very recalcitrant to put themselves out in any way. (Oh, wait - I can't resist this one - my entire family had carbon monoxide poisoning once, when we lived four hours away, and were hospitalized for five days and then sick at home for about a month. Two of my kids and I nearly died. My parents did not come to visit in the hospital, or when we got home - no offers to help, nothing. They did, however, expect us to drive to their house for Christmas three weeks later.)
Anyway, back to the Kindle. I have a flight booked to Virginia this weekend, with a very tight layover schedule. The odds of me sitting around in an airport are pretty high. Any way you look at it, I will be stuck traveling and sitting around all day Saturday. I really want that Kindle. So - I thought to myself, "Mom and Dad are coming my way! There's a clean gas station right off the interstate five minutes from my daughter's house. They could call when they're almost there, and my daughter could meet them and give them my Kindle!" I called and asked my daughter, who immediately said, "Sure, Mom - no problem at all!"
Well, you can guess. It's a problem to my parents. See, they don't like to drive on the interstate. They don't "come this way" even though it's the shorter distance. They take a longer, back roads way - that is, when they do make the trip, which like I said is about once every two years.
Actually my mom said yes, and then my dad reminded her they'd have to get on the interstate, so they called and said they wouldn't do it.
When I said "You know - to be honest, this hurts my feelings. I NEVER ask you to do ANYTHING for me - can you even think of the last time I asked you to do something for me? Come on - think about it. When was the last time I asked a favor of you?" All they could say was, "But we don't drive on the interstate."
THEN they started implying that I am "frantic" for my Kindle and that it's completely unreasonable for me to need it, or to be worried about having it shipped to me. Even after I told them that I've had packages left out in the rain, sitting on top of my mailbox, laying out in the middle of my driveway, etc - and that now it has to get here in three days or I'm gone for a week - that makes no difference to them.
Also, I know my son in law - I would offer to pay for the shipping, but he wouldn't accept it - and they are a young family who lives paycheck to paycheck. I don't want him to be out $30 just because I forgot my Kindle at their house. I would much rather my AFFLUENT parents pull over and take literally three minutes to pick it up for me.
So - I said, "Hmm, if I want to have that Kindle for my trip, and I don't want to inconvenience my daughter by having her have to package it up and mail it, then I guess I'll just need to go get it myself." My mom then says, "YOU ARE SO HARDHEADED! You have just GOT to have your way! And I think your fixation on this...this...KINDLE thing...is sort of odd." Then my dad pops in with this jewel: "OK, fine. If it will make you happy for your dad to compromise his principles, I will drive on the interstate (note - this would be one hour and fifteen minutes on the interstate) and pick up your Kindle."
See the demonization there? I am:
1. Hardheaded and must have my way.
2. Strangely addicted
3. Asking someone else to compromise their principles.
I sighed and said, "You know what is sort of odd? That this is such a big deal. I so seldom ask you to do ANYTHING for me, that I obviously forgot the reason WHY I don't ask you to do me any favors. It's because you basically refuse to be inconvenienced - for anyone. You really can't see that it would have meant so much to me for you to just pick the Kindle up on your way here - without this brouhaha! I would have been so grateful! Now I'm just mad! And on top of that, I feel stupid for ever even thinking you MIGHT have done it!"
GRRRRRRRRRRR, why do I even want these people to come to my house???????????
Personally, i think you should just go get your kindle yourself... you could have been half way there by the time you finished writing your long diatribe.. ? honestly!
PS. I have the Android kindle App..
there is also one for you PC..
Personally, i think you should just go get your kindle yourself... you could have been half way there by the time you finished writing your long diatribe.. ? honestly!
PS. I have the Android kindle App..
there is also one for you PC..
I type very quickly. Besides that, nothing like typing out something to think it through!
I have plans this afternoon so a two hour trip would mess me up. And actually, I'm seriously considering making this two hour trip, and using $25 or more of gas, Thursday afternoon (the first available time to me to do it). Of course, my mother thinks that's completely unreasonable, and then started demanding to know if I was planning on doing "something that crazy" because if that was the case (sighhhhhhhh), they would compromise and do me this huge, overwhelming favor that would probably cost them their lives because as we all know, major wrecks are so common on the interstate. But it makes more sense for them to risk their lives than for me to risk mine - after all, they have lived their lives fully, and they just completed their wills. (Yes, this is actually what she said.)
I may check out the Android app - that's a good idea for the trip. Thanks. Not taking a PC on the trip - that's really my main consideration.
But honestly - this is beside the point. I know I have all sorts of options - Fed Ex, apps, the PC, magazines at the airport, go get it myself, etc.
My question is - am I wrong to be so frustrated that my parents won't go just a FEW minutes out of their way - when I do so much for them so often and ask so few favors from them? I mean, actually NO favors. As I said, I can't even remember the last time I asked them to do anything for me.
You know, if my dad asked me to drive the long way to their house, and stop and get him some peaches from his favorite farmer's market on my way there, I'd do it without questioning. In fact, I'd do it, and buy myself some stuff as well - in other words, make it a positive experience for both of us. I wouldn't even CONSIDER saying no to him regarding something so trivial.
My question is - am I wrong to be so frustrated that my parents won't go just a FEW minutes out of their way - when I do so much for them so often and ask so few favors from them? I mean, actually NO favors. As I said, I can't even remember the last time I asked them to do anything for me.
I don't know.. maybe. Everybody is a little different, but for me.. i would NEVER ask my mom and dad to do anything of the sorts.. but that's just me.. for that matter, I probably wouldn't ask ANYONE other than my wife to do something like that. It is an inconvenience and there is no other way to slice it.. and for me, I simply will not put my inconvenience off onto someone else.. i just wont but that doesn't mean your wrong in asking your parents it just means that I am probably not the best person to ask..
I don't know.. maybe. Everybody is a little different, but for me.. i would NEVER ask my mom and dad to do anything of the sorts.. but that's just me.. for that matter, I probably wouldn't ask ANYONE other than my wife to do something like that. It is an inconvenience and there is no other way to slice it.. and for me, I simply will not put my inconvenience off onto someone else.. i just wont but that doesn't mean your wrong in asking your parents it just means that I am probably not the best person to ask..
I do feel badly about it - but it IS literally a two minute inconvenience.
You honestly would never ask your mom or dad to stop and pick something up on the way to your house? I mean, I literally cannot think of a time I have ever asked them to do that, but it seems within a normal scope of expectations.
To give a little more insight - the last time we had a Thanksgiving meal at my house, my mom offered to bring the ham (we always bring a big ham to her house - and we usually have Thanksgiving at her house - only about once every four or five years do we change this up).
My mom did buy a ham. She did.
Then she cut off six slices of it and brought those to our house - and kept the rest of the ham for herself.
I don't even know why I thought they might actually pick that Kindle up for me, now that I think about it. The sad thing is, last night when I got into bed without my "sleeping aid" I thought to myself, "Well, that's OK - my parents will bring it to me Wednesday!" I was so grateful that they'd do this one little thing for me!
I can honestly say I would have turned around and went to get the Kindle OR sent an empty box to them with a prepaid Fedex or UPS label and have your daughter pack it and set up a pick up time. There is no way I would have asked anyone to drive out of their comfort zone onto the interstate to pick up a kindle that can be read online or on a smartphone pretty much anywhere, even on an airplane.
honestly, i wouldn't ask my mom and dad to do that but if I did.. they would.. maybe that is why I would never ask them.. ?
That is a funny story about the HAM.. we always have thanksgiving and christmas at my mom and dads... we never bring any food.. my mom takes care of everything... i feel kinda spoiled now.
For the record, I know this isn't a big life crisis. It just hit a nerve with me, I think because as they've gotten older and more unreasonable, I've had to cater to their whims more and more. They live several hours away, and my mom can't drive, so I've made several trips up there to take my dad to get outpatient medical care lately. I do work projects for them when I go there for the weekend. Often I buy their lunch or that sort of thing, even though they are affluent, because I just want to be nice and helpful to them.
I call them several times a week - but because I don't call every day, they always make it a point to remind me that they'd rather hear from me every day (actually I DO call them every day, but sometimes they don't answer the phone - and they don't check their messages, so I quit leaving messages).
Now - if I don't talk to them, they don't call me - unless it's DAYS AND DAYS (like a week) since we've talked. If they do call, their first words are, "WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? WHY HAVEN'T YOU CALLED?" Good grief, people - why don't YOU call ME if you want so desperately to talk to me?
It seemed like such a small favor to ask - that's what bothered me about it. I can't imagine refusing to do something so small for them. And they would ask. Yes, they certainly would. And have.
Just three days ago, they called and asked me to pick up a birthday present for a family member for them, and they'd pay me back later. (They are good about paying someone back.) So I did so. That's a reasonable request, I think, and about on the same level as the one I asked of them.
Sure, they order online all the time. Sure, they forgot about this person's birthday. Sure, they could have gone ahead and ordered it, and then just called the person and said, "Your gift is on the way." Sure I could have pointed all that out to them, but why would I when it's MORE CONSIDERATE OF ME to just say, "No problem - I'll pick something up - what price range?"
honestly, i wouldn't ask my mom and dad to do that but if I did.. they would.. maybe that is why I would never ask them.. ?
That is a funny story about the HAM.. we always have thanksgiving and christmas at my mom and dads... we never bring any food.. my mom takes care of everything... i feel kinda spoiled now.
Oh believe me, that is an alien concept to my mother, who is always very concerned about being taken advantage of.
When I go to my parents' house for Thanksgiving, I bring the ham, at least one dessert, and a vegetable. Oh, and the wine - all of it, not just one bottle. Oh, and then inevitably, my mom will call me at the last minute and say, "You don't mind running up and down the road - your dad forgot to get those little rolls we all like so much (translation - the only type my dad will eat for Thanksgiving) - you don't mind stopping on your way and picking some up, do you? Oh - and can you pick up the cranberry gel WITH THE BERRIES? Your dad couldn't find those at the store here. See you tomorrow!"
So, she's bought a smoked turkey, and made a salad. I would chalk this up to old age, but she's been doing this since she was my age.
I rarely call my parents.. they will me call about once a week to make sure everyone is alive. I live about 3 hours away which is close because for the better part of 15 years I was an airplane flight or 2 away...
I think it really all boils down to expectations.. don't expect anything and you will never be let down. The best you can do, since you can't change parents now, is learn from this and promise to NOT be the same way in regards to your kids.
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honestly!
