Am I being unreasonable about my addiction? (holidays, sister, Christmas)
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I'm glad you qualified your OP. My strong suggestion was to go get it yourself(and, still is) and as someone already stated you could have done that in the time it takes to be on this forum, fast typer or not
As it concerns your relationship with your parents, only do what you are.......inspired(for lack of a better term) to do for them, that way it's done straight from the heart without any expectations as a result of the things you do for them. It's not unreasonable to expect others to reciprocate until, IMO, it becomes an issue, like what you describe. And then either discuss the issue with them or deal with it in whatever manner will bring peace to the situation. Get over the kindle thingy, just go get it yourself
Oh, I'm already over it. Honestly, I don't know why I ever expected them to do something so simple for me - it would have been an aberration, and I definitely had a lapse in judgment even THINKING of asking them!
I don't stay mad very long. This can work for or against me.
For instance, if I was able to maintain appropriate anger longer, I'd be able to be tougher on people. For example, I would just NOT pick up the beer for my dad on the way to his house - because it's inconvenient to me. I would tell them that it's inconvenient for me to come to their house every month, so if they want to see more of me, we need to alternate trips so that things are more "fair."
But that would be being horsey on my part. I'm just not that way. I have empathy for them - apparently they are lacking that emotion when it comes to me.
As for going to get the Kindle myself, I would have done so today - but my daughter can't meet me at the gate today (they live in a military installation) because their van is in the shop, and they only have one car. So in other words, I can't get onto the military installation and she can't meet me at the gas stateion near her house. I can't go this evening because I have an important meeting to go to.
I can't go tomorrow because MY PARENTS WILL BE HERE (YAY FOR ME!). Same with the next day. Friday I have a packed day because Saturday I am leaving on vacation.
So - I really, honestly cannot go get it myself, or I WOULD HAVE. (Not yelling at you, just yelling in frustration). That's what I told my parents - if I COULD have gone to get it, I would have and never would have considered asking them to make a three minute stop. As for mailing it, I don't feel comfortable with that.
So that left two options - them pick it up ON THEIR WAY to my house. Or me get it next week.
I just didn't think I was asking too much, but apparently...I was.
I think you should ask your parents specifically why they treat you differently than your siblings and why you had to pay rent and your brother doesn't and then tell them that you are done being treated that way and you will not be seeing them again because you have finally grown tired of being treated like crap.
You could also have told your Mother that you "would" mind stopping for those rolls and you could "not" find that cranberry sauce either or just don't go.
I don't care who it is I would NOT put up with this type of treatment from anyone and I actually cut ties with my family completely because of the treatment I had been getting up to that point. After a few years my Mother finally called and asked me specifically why I hadn't contacted anyone and I told her. She did not realize she or anyone else had been treating me that way to the degree they were and things changed drastically and immediately and we have a great relationship now.
Your parents sound like mine. I also have a brother and we are treated differently.
I've stoped expecting ANYTHING from them and I do not ask them for ANYTHING. God forbid they go out of their way for 10 minutes to do something for me, when I've driven 6 hours one way before to do something for them. Stop expecting and rely only on yourself. Ignore what they do with your brother. That's what I do now. My mother knows the results of her actions...we don't have the relationship she now all of a sudden wants, I moved 1000 miles away without a thought eventhough she didn't want me to, I don't call (rarely), I visit once a year.
OK- I thought for a while that I was the nutcase here, so thank you for your response!
It is going to come to this, I think:
My husband is considering a job offer several states away. Know what this means? It means that they will not be able to rely on me. If they were normal parents, I would not even consider moving that far away from them in their elderly years. But they have been so completely self serving for so many years, that we are seriously considering the move.
If they want my help, they will need to move where we move. It's like I told them, "When I was a kid, I had no choice in the matter - I went where you went, because you had the career necessary to maintain our family. Now, when you're elderly, you go where we go, because we're the ones with the careers. Karma, karma."
I can do without my Kindle. I HAVE been doing without it for the past several days. That's not the point.
The point is, I didn't think it was unreasonable to ask my parents to pull off the interstate and pick up the Kindle on their way here. A stop that would take literally less than three minutes.
When I asked them, I had NO IDEA that they were so paranoid about being on the interstate. These are the same parents who drove us kids cross country - on the interstate - all our lives. They drive to New Orleans and Virginia and other places pretty regularly. I had NO IDEA that they never take the interstate. In fact, I am not so sure that I believe that they don't. It would take them HOURS longer to drive to Virginia if they don't ever get on an interstate highway.
They would only be on the interstate for 1 hour and 15 minutes - and actually would shorten their drive by about 30 minutes coming this way.
The fact that you didn't recognize your own parents discomfort with driving the interstate given your own middle age and the age range that puts them in adds to my theory of projection of self-absorbtion. Perhaps if you were more involved with them and their lives this wouldn't have escaped your attention? Did it ever occur to you to inquire as to their routes of travel instead of making assumptions based upon what your choices would be in the same position?
As to doing without the Kindle, well, it was you as the OP who labeled it an addiction and obsessed with it to the point of putting your perceived dilemma on a public forum. Sorry, not buying your excuses for not sending your daughter the pre-paid shipping box. Certainly you understand that USPS, UPS and Fed-Ex offer replacement value insurance don't you? You can also arrange to pick up at the post office, UPS or Fed-Ex distribution center so it doesn't "it out in the rain" for hours.
So, you posed the question if you were being unreasonable and my previous answer stands. If you don't like it don't put such questions out there for public scrutiny in the future.
I think you should ask your parents specifically why they treat you differently than your siblings and why you had to pay rent and your brother doesn't and then tell them that you are done being treated that way and you will not be seeing them again because you have finally grown tired of being treated like crap.
You could also have told your Mother that you "would" mind stopping for those rolls and you could "not" find that cranberry sauce either or just don't go.
I don't care who it is I would NOT put up with this type of treatment from anyone and I actually cut ties with my family completely because of the treatment I had been getting up to that point. After a few years my Mother finally called and asked me specifically why I hadn't contacted anyone and I told her. She did not realize she or anyone else had been treating me that way to the degree they were and things changed drastically and immediately and we have a great relationship now.
I've done the whole "cut the ties" thing, and believe it or not, as bleak as it sounds, things are much better than they used to be.
I once went six months without even talking to them. It took me about three years as an adult to really get the idea of "healthy boundaries" across to them. As you can tell, I had limited success -but it beats the way things were before.
See, here's the thing that's troublesome. I'm going to the grocery store before Thanksgiving. She knows that. How crappy would it be of me not to pick up the rolls and cranberry sauce while I'm there. I mean, it's like - $5.
But it's like you said, it's the principle of the thing. They go to the grocery store too. Why aren't they getting their act together, like everyone else does when they make a shopping list before Thanksgiving? Why all that crazy stuff with the ham, cutting off six pieces and bringing it instead of a whole ham? That's actually MORE trouble! (It's not a matter of money.)
I have asked my parents specifically about the disparate treatment. They make a lot of excuses. When I asked them why they wouldn't be charging my brother rent, when they did charge me rent, they said, "Well, we may charge him some rent..." In other words, they're not going to. I said, "Listen, this bothers me because this is yet another example of the way you treat him so differently. Tell him you charged me rent so he has to pay rent too." They said, "Well..we'll see." Finally I said, "Look here. This is a problem to me. You have different values when it comes to your kids. Does it bother you that when you do this sort of thing, it hurts my feelings?"
My dad said, "Duly noted. I'm not discussing it anymore. Next topic!"
When I get together with my parents, which is often, I see that they are getting elderly, and that they are becoming more legitimately needy - they need some looking after. And they LOVE for me to come up there to spend a weekend with them! They are very conversational, they beg me to go to church with them, or their class reunions, etc. and they are obviously proud of me when I do go places with them or take them out shopping. It's sort of touching. They're old. They don't have much time left. I don't want to be so hard line with them at this stage in the game.
But they're not senile and they're not unable to be fair and considerate - they are simply choosing NOT to be, and that's just wrong.
I agree that your parents are unreasonable, in many ways. But I disagree with asking favors, even small favors of people, especially people who have shown time and again that they will disappoint you.
I believe favors are things to be offered, not asked for. Ever since I adopted that policy, I've been much happier. There are those who disagree with me, but they often either end up put-upon or disappointed, or both.
If I hear someone saying to me "can I ask you a..." or "could you do me a..." I cringe, waiting to hear the "f-word." It's usually something I don't want to do, that I feel the person should do themselves, and that would need to be done if the person had done what they needed to do in the first place. I'm NOT attacking the OP at all, but even she admitted it was her fault she left the kindle at the daughter's house. In my experience, the only people who ask me for favors are people that should have done (or not done) something and now want my help to fix it.
But if someone is telling me a story, and it becomes apparent that I can help out, I almost always offer to do a favor. Like if I were the OP's mother, and she told me the kindle story, I would be like "Oh, I'm driving that way when I come to your house! I could swing by and pick it up for you!" If I were the OP's friend and she were telling the story, I would probably offer to help her ship it or go pick it up. But if she asked me, I'd probably have a good reason ready for why I'm not available to help.
If the person asks me for the favor, I feel resentful, and I don't want to do it. I don't know, that's just how I'm wired.
Likewise, I never, ever ask favors of anyone, even people I am close to, and even people I feel might "owe" me a favor. If they offer, then I might or might not accept, and I would express lots of appreciation that they offered. But if they don't offer, I will die before asking. I sometimes say, if I'm on fire and a person is nearby with a hose, I will burn up before asking them to shoot it at me, but I would hope that they would be decent enough to offer to squirt me, or just squirt me without asking.
I know this sounds unreasonable to some, but it's just the way I am. I don't want to be dependent on anyone for anything. And if it's a favor I need, I'll do it myself. It is nice if someone offers, but I will never ask. I might even struggle when doing it myself. When I had an apartment when I was younger I was on the 3rd floor, and I would carry heavy things up the stairs all the time. I would never ask anyone to hold the door for me, and especially would never ask anyone to help me carrry stuff. I'll huff and puff, and struggle right in front of people. If they don't offer to help, then that speaks of them as people. Plenty of times, people would be out on their patio, or in the parking lot, and watch me, a 120 pound girl, hefting big things like a (1990s) TV or microwave in a box up the steps and they would not try to help. I'd be damned before saying "can I ask you a favor....?"
Unfortunately, some parents do play favorites. And they will deny it. I would suggest deciding what you're willing to do for them, but don't expect anything back. But don't feel guilted into doing things you don't want to do. When they ask you to do something you don't want to, tell them to ask your brother to do it.
That said, I do think their concerns about driving in the rain & the interstate should be taken seriously. Some of the skills and reflexes we use to drive start to deteriorate with age. Fatality rates start to climb after 65, according to a USA Today article. Highway driving, night driving and bad weather can be more of a challenge to an elderly driver. I'm in my 40s and while I can still drive at night, the night vision isn't what it was in my 20s.
If your dad doesn't feel comfortable doing a certain type of driving, don't try to persuade him otherwise. At least he knows his limits and is being responsible about it.
But I do think the other concerns you have are valid ones.
OK- I thought for a while that I was the nutcase here, so thank you for your response!
It is going to come to this, I think:
My husband is considering a job offer several states away. Know what this means? It means that they will not be able to rely on me. If they were normal parents, I would not even consider moving that far away from them in their elderly years. But they have been so completely self serving for so many years, that we are seriously considering the move.
If they want my help, they will need to move where we move. It's like I told them, "When I was a kid, I had no choice in the matter - I went where you went, because you had the career necessary to maintain our family. Now, when you're elderly, you go where we go, because we're the ones with the careers. Karma, karma."
You can imagine how that's going down with them.
Re: the bold. Sounds like an all so subtle temper tantrum to me and not the best way to resolve the issue if that's your ultimate goal.
This is not to beat up on you. People can be nuts! Even parents and thus, being self-absorbed is very "normal" for the human condition. It's not the wisest as it concerns relationships but "me, me me, me" is a part of all of our make-up until we learn to do better. The other side of this coin is those of us who may think we aren't this way but the "universe"(call it what you will) has a way of showing us the truth through other people. I agree with the poster who mentioned "projection"
The fact that you didn't recognize your own parents discomfort with driving the interstate given your own middle age and the age range that puts them in adds to my theory of projection of self-absorbtion. Perhaps if you were more involved with them and their lives this wouldn't have escaped your attention? Did it ever occur to you to inquire as to their routes of travel instead of making assumptions based upon what your choices would be in the same position?
I think you may have an erroneous idea about my parents and their capabilities. They are a very spry 70 and 72. My mom's stroke affected her vision, so she can't drive, but other than that, they are both very fit and active. Like I said, they travel extensively and regularly. It never occurred to me that they refuse to get on an interstate.
I talk with them several times a week, and visit them at least once a month for a weekend. I go with them to their doctor checkups (their request) pretty often.
I knew they had a PREFERENCE for this longer route to my house, but no, it never occurred to me that it was a PARANOIA. I had no clue to that. People are often not very open about paranoias.
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As to doing without the Kindle, well, it was you as the OP who labeled it an addiction and obsessed with it to the point of putting your perceived dilemma on a public forum.
I labeled it as an "addiction" tongue in cheek - a point that I thought would be obvious upon reading my OP. As for putting it out on a public forum, of course I know that doing so invites snarky comments - a risk I was willing to take. I'm not hypersensitive about comments from strangers.
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Sorry, not buying your excuses for not sending your daughter the pre-paid shipping box. Certainly you understand that USPS, UPS and Fed-Ex offer replacement value insurance don't you? You can also arrange to pick up at the post office, UPS or Fed-Ex distribution center so it doesn't "it out in the rain" for hours.
I wasn't making any excuses. I was simply stating my thought process.
Prior to my parents' upcoming road trip here, I was planning on just driving myself to get it, or waiting to get it next time I see my daughter. I thought that was clear. I prefer not to ship it, for a multitude of reasons.
It was only when I realized that my parents were actually going to come to my house (a rarity), and I thought they would be driving within five minutes of my daughter's house - that I had the idea of them picking it up. My gosh, I would do the same for anyone - but especially my parents. Hell, I would do that for my next door neighbor and I don't even know her that well.
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So, you posed the question if you were being unreasonable and my previous answer stands. If you don't like it don't put such questions out there for public scrutiny in the future.
'
I don't care whether you agree with me or not, and your responses don't anger me or irritate me. They're entertaining, and frankly, an example of the wide range of answers I'd expect to see on a public forum, which was my POINT in posing the question. I didn't expect everyone to agree with me.
So - carry on. You're not bothering me in the least.
Your parents sound like mine. I also have a brother and we are treated differently.
I've stoped expecting ANYTHING from them and I do not ask them for ANYTHING. God forbid they go out of their way for 10 minutes to do something for me, when I've driven 6 hours one way before to do something for them. Stop expecting and rely only on yourself. Ignore what they do with your brother. That's what I do now. My mother knows the results of her actions...we don't have the relationship she now all of a sudden wants, I moved 1000 miles away without a thought eventhough she didn't want me to, I don't call (rarely), I visit once a year.
That part really struck me...my parents are well off (stepmom/dad) and they have been everywhere and done everything. When they come through Dallas, they have more plans with their friends than their kids. We are an inconvenience. IF...we don't change our schedules (always last minute), then we are not being the dutiful children, even though they give us about a 3 hour window on one of their off days. There are only a couple of us here and they haven't been back in years now.
Funny thing though, you can kind of tell that they're really pushing to get together the whole family (spread out over US). Of course, they're making it very difficult but one wonders if they're reaching for some closeness from us. The stepmom pushed us away every chance she got and now, it seems like they're mad for finally getting their wish. I'm blown away at how my own parents act. Talk about childish.
I stay away...I've found when I put my guard down and relish in their limited time only love, I'm quickly pushed back again and I'm let down once more. It's a hard lesson for a child to realize that you're not everything to your parent...that you never were. Oh and Kathryn, my real mom moved us around 15 times before my 14th birthday...yea, I certainly don't get how selfish some folks can be!!
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