Super long rant about sister's behavior during mom's chemo

[peppermint]

Originally Posted by Book Lover 21

Hang in there. Emotions seem to get amplified at a time like this. You are lucky to have a husband that you can blow off steam with. You have inspired me to write a nice email to my three sisters for great work they did seven years ago. I know my mom passed away feeling completed surrounded by love.

Also, I think it's very smart not to tell your mom about her promise to visit. No sense in setting her up for a possible let-down.

And don't worry about the negative comments. Often in threads like this, people have made critical statements to me that, at first, offended me, but then really made me see another point of view when I calmed down. I think it's a good thing to get all different kinds of feedback, as long as you are strong enough to take it.

Definitely share with them what their time and energy spent mean to you, since you couldn't be there. That will make them feel good.

I did let the negativity get to me for a few days, but I have decided to let it go. I appreciate the alternative view, though many of the assumptions are incorrect. It's not important that I "win" on a message board.

Originally Posted by chilaili

You need to take care of yourself too - don't fall into the Martyr Trap. You are just as entitled to be angry and scared as everyone else so don't feel you have to deal with anyone else's mixed up emotions all the time. I think the best thing you can do is be open and honest as much as possible and tell people if/when you're just not up holding their hand .

Thanks. The last couple of days have been horrible. My mom's temperature spiked, and she fought me about going to the ER. We finally got her temp below the danger zone, but it's still too high. My dad has been really good with her, but he's freaking out. First, her temp went up and I called the dr to get antibiotics. Next, a few hours later, she had the chills for over an hour, and then her temp spiked. I'm checking her every 30 minutes, and I packed everything up to go to the ER. I keep thinking, "Crap, if we get through this round, there is another round in three weeks!" I will have to plan better.

[peppermint]

Just an update:

My mom coded twice in July. My sister never came to the hospital. She came a week after mom was released and tried to be helpful. As a family we made the decision to relocate my mom to my area (900+ miles away) because there is a cancer treatment center here. The same day I drove my parents away from their home, my sister flew to Jamaica. My parents have been here since August, and I flew back to their home to sell it. I stayed there six weeks alone. I am home now, and my sister has called twice - the last time to ask for money. It's a convoluted story, but she wanted money to take a professional examine (social work). She has to take these every few years, but she never has the money to pay for them herself.

At this point, I am not surprised or hurt by my sisters behavior. She's gone off on me again since July, and I don't respond to her. I don't see the point. It won't change her perspective or mine. She doesn't have a good relationship with anyone in her life, and a confrontation with me isn't going to change that.

I thought I'd update this thread, for those of you who were helpful and supportive.

[e_coli]

Originally Posted by peppermint

Just an update:

My mom coded twice in July. My sister never came to the hospital. She came a week after mom was released and tried to be helpful. As a family we made the decision to relocate my mom to my area (900+ miles away) because there is a cancer treatment center here. The same day I drove my parents away from their home, my sister flew to Jamaica. My parents have been here since August, and I flew back to their home to sell it. I stayed there six weeks alone. I am home now, and my sister has called twice - the last time to ask for money. It's a convoluted story, but she wanted money to take a professional examine (social work). She has to take these every few years, but she never has the money to pay for them herself.

At this point, I am not surprised or hurt by my sisters behavior. She's gone off on me again since July, and I don't respond to her. I don't see the point. It won't change her perspective or mine. She doesn't have a good relationship with anyone in her life, and a confrontation with me isn't going to change that.

I thought I'd update this thread, for those of you who were helpful and supportive.

Your sister's a 50+ year-old child.

[kevxu]

Originally Posted by peppermint

...There’s another big difference between us: my sister has struggled in life and I haven’t. I admire how she’s mostly turned things around. She got married at 19, dropped out of college, had two kids with a physically abusive husband, lost both kids in the divorce, married another abuser (emotional this time), had two more kids, he left her for another woman after she put him through college, and now she’s hooked up with a narrow-minded, racist, control freak. She did get through college in her 40s and has a good career now. All along the way, she’s taken money from mom to buy clothes for the kids, cars, to pay rent, and to pay for professional exams. ....

This is not a life that has been turned around, her life has been a mess! And her present conduct is deplorable, and totally neurotic. There is nothing to admire.

You are probably handling her as well as anyone could. And you are there for your Mom. Congratulations on both scores.