Is it me or them? (member, friendship, feel, guilty)

[PA2UK]

Originally Posted by katestar

My family is the same story. We are going to my brother's wedding and he lives far away from me. I asked if he could do two things for me, he said he doesn't have time and it's on me to take care of what I need. Fine whatever! I would have never said that to him if the situation was reversed, I would have done whatever I could to make the experience better for him.

What did you ask him to do for you? To be fair, this is his wedding and he may be very busy - depending what you asked of him, it could be interpreted as rude and inconsiderate of you to ask him to do stuff for you during this busy time for him. I know stereotypically, the bride does all/most of the work but that's not always the case.

The other stuff does sound pretty rude and inconsiderate, I will give you that. However, I do think sometimes we need to cut people a break. No one is perfect. I used to have a friend who expected perfection from her friends. I finally cut her out of my life because I felt like I was walking on eggshells all the time, constantly worried I would inadvertently do something that was on her mile long list of intolerable behavior. I think I'm a fairly considerate person, I try to be on time, I try to follow social etiquette rules and be thoughtful. I'd never cancel last minute unless I had a really good reason (though what constitutes a good reason will vary by the individual). But I'm human and life is unpredictable so if I'm late on occasion, does that mean you're going to write me off as a friend? If so, I wouldn't want to be friends with you anyway. If someone makes a habit of being flaky like the couple you described who would cancel last min because they were just too lazy to leave the house - then yeah, I can understand getting frustrated or even cutting them out of your life. But the way you say "I'm always on time - in fact for me on time means 5 mins early" makes me think you're the kind of person who expects perfection from the people in their life and that's just not realistic or fair.

[katestar]

Thanks for the responses. I've found a way that we can rent a car for cheap so the car pool situation is solved from my end. I only ask once and now that I see how he chooses to be that is fine. I don't know her that well and would rather take care of my own situation at this point. I didn't push the issue of staying with them, because I understand, obviously his sister is too much to make a sacrifice for, I would never see him that way, even if it was wedding.

[katestar]

Originally Posted by PA2UK

But the way you say "I'm always on time - in fact for me on time means 5 mins early" makes me think you're the kind of person who expects perfection from the people in their life and that's just not realistic or fair.

I see how you can think that of me, however the 5 min thing is me, but I just expect if you say 6 that by 6:05 you should be there. It's one thing if it's traffic or an emergency, but the excuse I usually get is, "oh I didn't see the time." I don't understand that, if you have an appointment with someone, why would you not see the time? It just makes me feel unimportant.

[fallingwater]

I feel your pain. My family is pretty inconsiderate and after moving away from them I have learned to just bow out of any family events. It ends up being a huge hassle and expense for me. Not worth my trouble and I used to feel guilty about it but learned to get over it. I only do what I want to do now. Several years ago I had a major epiphany at the level of inconsideration which led me to the attitude I have now.

My family decided that it had been years since we had a family camp outing. I wasnt really in the mood since I was working midnights at the time. I got a bunch of whining about it so I decided to go. Also my son seemed pretty excited about the whole thing so I caved. I got off work at 7 am and then drove several hours to the camp ground. The arrangement was that I would sleep in my brother's very large camper. I got to the camp ground and was hoping to take a small nap but everyone whined that I should stay up. Well anyone that has worked the night shift knows how hard it is to work all night and then try to stay up and do the day thing. So I stayed up and by 10 pm I was feeling pretty spent. I walked to the restrooms with the idea of going to bed when I got back. My brother was pretty odd about not wanting everyone to overuse the camper bathroom. Everyone had retired and my brother was the only one sitting around the fire when I got back. A really big fire. He had just reloaded all the wood on it 30 min. prior. He told me he was spent and was wondering if I could sit with the fire until it died down. Since I was a night owl this shouldn't be a big deal. Umm okay, I had been up almost 24 hrs at this point. So I said fine but after he went to bed, I realized that this fire was going to take a long time to die out. So I sat outside by myself for hours. I didnt want to throw water on it because the campers were so close and it would filter in the campers. Considerate me. So I finally head in to go to bed truly exhausted by this point and as I am fumbling around in the dark, I realize every single bed is taken. WTH?

So I go back outside, set up a lawnchair and dozed off. My brother woke me up around 5 a.m. since he is an early bird and was amused I had slept outside all freaking night. I was pissed. I told him all the beds were taken. He kind of chuckled and said oh ya, I guess I should have made my kids sleep together. Wow, ya think? So he tells me to back in and sleep on the queen bed that he and my SIL had slept in. Fine. I was out like a light. I woke up around noon and heard all the chatter outside. I was starved by this point. I asked what was for lunch and everyone got quiet. They had already eaten and nothing was left. Nothing but a half eaten bag of chips. Some awful kind that I hate. I had chipped in money for the food by the way. There were a couple of hamburgers left but someone had gave them to the dog. No one even thought about me wanting to eat something when I got up. So I had to drive 30 miles to the closest fast food joint to eat. I was beyond pissed. My son was eager to join me for the ride which I thought was odd and on the way he seemed rather quiet and moody. He told me that his cousins were giving him a hard time and that my brother had barked at him over something he didnt do. That was enough for me. We got back to the campsite and I told everyone we were leaving. There was no way in hell I was spending another night in that hell. No one really cared at this point because my SIL's parents showed up and that just meant a couple of spots for them in the trailer.

OP, your brother is lucky because if it were me, I probably wouldnt even go the damn wedding.

[Tell-the-Truth]

Originally Posted by katestar

I just realized something after reading another thread and from my personal situation. Because of the way my parents raised me or my genetics or whatever, I am very respectful of other people in many ways: I am always on time, in fact for me on time means 5 minutes early; I always show up if I say I will be somewhere; I always come through on my promises; I always help if needed for friends and family sacrificing my own time; I am always respectful of people I live with, most of the time you won't even know I'm in the house; I do nice things for friends for birthdays and other occasions etc.

My problem is that as I meet more people and get a little older most of the people are completely not like this and this is becoming very frustrating to the point that I don't want to do anything with people. I don't have any friends where we are living now and if my GF is working, I just hang out by myself. I've thought of checking out a club or something, but I never do because I just don't want to listen to people talk about themselves, be late and never reciprocate anything I do for them. We met another couple, the girl works with my GF and they are cool and fun to hang out with, but the last two times we invited them over, they cancelled on us at the last minute because they didn't feel like leaving the house, so now we don't invite them over.

My family is the same story. We are going to my brother's wedding and he lives far away from me. I asked if he could do two things for me, he said he doesn't have time and it's on me to take care of what I need. Fine whatever! I would have never said that to him if the situation was reversed, I would have done whatever I could to make the experience better for him. My parents are the same way. I always went out of my way to help them when my youngest brother was small, babysitting and other things. It so turns out that we are getting to Denver for my brother's wedding at the same time as them. My mother offered a ride from the airport, and when I tried to confirm with her last week, she first off forgot she did this and now says that they'll "think about it." WTF.

Does anyone else feel this way? I just feel like I should be like this then too, since everyone else, self absorbed with no respect!

Hmm, Could be me! but when I read the first couple of sentences of your post my ears perked! I understand and agree that people can be inconsiderate, unmindful and many times not respectful of our time etc.(even if it isn't neccesarily intentional on their part) but when someone states they are "always" something or the other and that "other" people just aren't the way they are, I've had enough experience to know that those "other" people are merely projections of what we refuse to accept, acknowledge and feel is unacceptable in ourselves even though our behavior may show something different....................

[Tell-the-Truth]

Funny, I just went back and read your thread title!


it's, you!

[kevxu]

Originally Posted by katestar

I just realized something after reading another thread and from my personal situation. Because of the way my parents raised me or my genetics or whatever, I am very respectful of other people in many ways: I am always on time, in fact for me on time means 5 minutes early; I always show up if I say I will be somewhere; I always come through on my promises; I always help if needed for friends and family sacrificing my own time; I am always respectful of people I live with, most of the time you won't even know I'm in the house; I do nice things for friends for birthdays and other occasions etc....

I imagine from some of the things you mentioned that you are considerably younger than I am; nevertheless, how you have described yourself fits me very well.

And all I can say is, society has changed and people like you and I are cultural fossils, no matter that we may be decades apart in age. From my point of view, I go on just as I am, but for the most part I have no expectations that others will act the same way. Once in awhile I am surprised, but for the most part - no.

However, having no expectations has proved to be the most realistic attitude time and again, but I go on as I am because I am comfortable with it, and it certainly harms no one else. Essentially some of the characteristics you mentioned are simply regarded as my personal quirks by others, and I am quite content to let it go at that nowadays.

[imokay]

Most people are stupid, unfortunately.

[katestar]

Originally Posted by kevxu

I imagine from some of the things you mentioned that you are considerably younger than I am; nevertheless, how you have described yourself fits me very well.

And all I can say is, society has changed and people like you and I are cultural fossils, no matter that we may be decades apart in age. From my point of view, I go on just as I am, but for the most part I have no expectations that others will act the same way. Once in awhile I am surprised, but for the most part - no.

However, having no expectations has proved to be the most realistic attitude time and again, but I go on as I am because I am comfortable with it, and it certainly harms no one else. Essentially some of the characteristics you mentioned are simply regarded as my personal quirks by others, and I am quite content to let it go at that nowadays.

Thaks for this. I have zero expectation now myself. I just wanted to see if I am completely alone in the way I look at things.

And to the poster that said I say "always", well it's true. I am always on time because I make a point of it...I leave early, plan for contingencies etc. So I can't expect people to be on time? Our jobs expect us to be on time and I'm sure most people are employed, why does this change in a social setting?

[katestar]

Originally Posted by Tell-the-Truth

Hmm, Could be me! but when I read the first couple of sentences of your post my ears perked! I understand and agree that people can be inconsiderate, unmindful and many times not respectful of our time etc.(even if it isn't neccesarily intentional on their part) but when someone states they are "always" something or the other and that "other" people just aren't the way they are, I've had enough experience to know that those "other" people are merely projections of what we refuse to accept, acknowledge and feel is unacceptable in ourselves even though our behavior may show something different....................

I just re-read this and I'm utterly confused. Yes, I think it is unacceptable for me to be late all the time, not to follow through on things I said I would do and to do things that would irritate or distrub people that I live with. Am I supposed to find this acceptable? Where I come from, this is common courtesy. I'm thinking that if you worked all day and were tired and I came home and started banging pots and pans and watching TV on the loudest setting, you might not find my behavior so acceptable either. Or, if you tell me you are starving and I'm supposed to meet you for dinner at a certain time and I show up an hour and half late, that might be a bit unacceptable also? But people seem to do this all the time.

From another thread, I came to the conclusion that people behave this way because they really don't know any better, what's frustrating to me is that I do know better. Like with my current MIL situation and her blasting the TV all the time, I don't do that to her. She always says how she never knows if I'm home or not, that's because I don't make noise like her. My parents taught me it was rude to be in the house making noise at all times of the day.