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My sister was also at peace when she moved away,knowing she may never see our mom again, and in fact, she didn't. She and my mom hardly spoke for 3 years.She did not come when my mother died, or before, while she was dying.
Yes, my sister is at peace. But my dear mother,with her broken brain, in addition to dementia, died from a broken heart. Am I bitter?
Well...I'll try working on it one day.
I hear you.... but I have to ask where do my siblings step in? If my mom doesnt want to talk to me for sane or insane reasons, then why would my siblings, especially the good one, not even make the effort to tell her she is wrong? She should call me and my kids. She should have wanted to visit me when in the area?
I hear you.... but I have to ask where do my siblings step in? If my mom doesnt want to talk to me for sane or insane reasons, then why would my siblings, especially the good one, not even make the effort to tell her she is wrong? She should call me and my kids. She should have wanted to visit me when in the area?
Should I be upset with my siblings?
No, because you don't know what was said. I believe that my g-ma tried to help fix things with me and my mother but she was never successful. My mother would make some vague answer and g-ma never really told me what it was so I let it go rather than keep trying to put her in the middle of something she was obviously not comfortable with. The point is that your sibs may have tried to make an effort but what your mother said back was hurtful enough that they don't want to tell you about it. Or it may just be that they can't see it for themselves--my brother, the good one, never could see that there was a problem with my mother and me, though to me and my husband and kids it was completely obvious. You have enough to handle with your mother--don't look for trouble with the rest of the family.
First, I'd like to say I feel for you and I'm sorry this happened. Second, the observations and comments I make here are based on: 1. My 86-year-old mother lives with me and while she doesn't have Alzheimers she is showing mental slow down. 2. My best friend has responsibility for the care of two Alzheimer patients. 3) My brother is director of an elder care facility with an Alzheimers unit. That said:
I don't think you should cease communication with with your mother for your own sake and the example you set for your children. I do think, though, that you need to understand some things about dementia in general as it relates to your situation.
One of the first things to go in a person with any kind of dementia is LOGIC. Your perfectly understandable argument that you have done more to deserve her respect and love may be beyond true, but it's irrelevant to someone who's thinking is not logical. It's really impossible for you to predict HOW your mother is making decisions. Don't even try to understand what's in her head, just respond as kindly as possible to the results she comes up with. She won't follow your logic if you try to convince her of something, and even if she did she would forget what you said five minutes later.
It's a waste of time and effort to try and convince someone with dementia of something, even if you're 100% right and she's 100% wrong and you can prove it. But it doesn't mean she's lost all cognitive skills. My mother sometimes can't remember a TV show she watched an hour ago, but she can still complete a crossword puzzle. Maria Shriver says her father could ace puzzles when he didn't recognize his own kids.
While many people with dementia seem to live in the past, that past doesn't necessarily connect to the present. I've seen my friend's mother be reminiscing about someone, they come in the room and she doesn't understand this is the same person she's been talking about. Connectors are missing. And even fond reminiscences may be untrue. Many elders get their memories mixed up. They remember something about one child, but apply it to another child. My mother does that all the time. She'll tell me as story about my brother but what she's telling happened to ME. If I try to correct her, she'll argue with me. It's very frustrating knowing your own life history has been assigned to someone else!
Many elders, even those without dementia, are very fearful. They cling to the person they PERCEIVE as taking care of them. That may not BE the person with their best interests at heart, but it's where they see their safety coming from. You don't know what your brother is telling your mother. And if he's a user, he'd never admit it anyway. He probably has her convinced he's her protector. There's not much you can do about that if he's in the home with your parents' permission. Even if you could afford a palatial assisted living arrangement for her, she would probably reject it. She wants the home she knows and the child that is closest. Even if that's a terrible decision.
Your mother doesn't see you or your family regularly. While she might remember your children when you are in the midst of speaking about them on the phone, she might not hold any picture of them in her mind after you hang up. She might not send them birthday cards because she barely remembers THEM, let alone their birth dates. Most people with Alzheimers remember best the people they've known the LONGEST. My friend's aunt first forgot who her caring niece was, later she forgot she ever had a husband, but she still knew her sister. Forgetting in reverse order of meeting. But eventually she forgot she had a sister, too. Ironically, she was still a joy to the people in the nursing home, because she never forgot her manners. She treated everyone she came in contact with as a new person she was meeting for the first time. That might not be where your mother is, but your phone conversations might not really be a good reflection of what's going on in her mind.
If I were you, I'd read a book about Alzheimers, then visit your parents alone without your family. You might find it's a lost cause that she will ever maintain a relationship with them. Your wife may be a dim memory and what Mom thinks she remembers may be untrue. Also I'd use the time to assess the situation with your father and brother. Don't antagonize them, because your father is still her official caretaker and as long as there's something in it for him your brother will be in the picture. If you want to help your parents financially and you see that cash disappears, figure out some things you could pay for directly instead of giving anyone money. Someone suggested utilities — that's good. If you want to send her something, send gift cards from her local grocery chain or a gift card for a clothing store.
In the meantime, please don't take your mother's rejection as an assessment of your worth. On some level she knows you were her successful child. What you perceive as rejection may just be the forgetfulness of dementia. Even if she exhibits anger toward you, that may be coming from the Alzheimers and not her. People with dementia often have outsized and illogical anger. They can't help it. Their brains aren't functioning properly.
You are going to have to accept that some people (maybe even your father) will perceive you as "abandoning" your mother and that will be hard. But if you are happy and your family is flourishing, your move was right. Just play fair in terms of the money and talk to her regularly. Those are for your sake. You don't want to feel guilty when she's gone. And you want your children to know you respected their grandmother. I wish you all the best.
I appreciate your time here.
I think what is happening here are several things with my emotions.....
1. My mom has always been this way... decades. So her behavior now is not different then back in 1985 minus the moving away resentment part. I am having a hard time believing that if she was not ill that she would still be the same way, enabling the bad. I realize this is irrelevant, but it is how I feel and I need to get past it.
2. My family is doing NOTHING to support her in the respect of a positive relationship with me. They also appear to be annoyed with the fact that I moved away, which I can understand to some degree....but no one seems annoyed with my younger brother who got off because my mom wrote a check for an insane amount of money.
3. I feel the need to settle this somehow and with someone. I need closure. Not in the sense of preparing for my moms passing, as I have accepted that will happen, but to understand what the hell is going on. I need to ask the right people the right questions.... now if I do this I am going to upset my mom. As you point out even if I am 100% right, it will anger her. She may never want to speak to me again and I can guarantee that she will remember that. If she doesnt, then she will be reminded by my brothers.
So its a catch 22... how do I stop the crap but still be in a position to be able to maintain a relationship with her and my family? Even if I confront my brothers in private, I am still in a position that they will say something to her
No, because you don't know what was said. I believe that my g-ma tried to help fix things with me and my mother but she was never successful. My mother would make some vague answer and g-ma never really told me what it was so I let it go rather than keep trying to put her in the middle of something she was obviously not comfortable with. The point is that your sibs may have tried to make an effort but what your mother said back was hurtful enough that they don't want to tell you about it. Or it may just be that they can't see it for themselves--my brother, the good one, never could see that there was a problem with my mother and me, though to me and my husband and kids it was completely obvious. You have enough to handle with your mother--don't look for trouble with the rest of the family.
I do know things that were said and things I was accused of. I cannot repeat there here online, but I know of many things. I am sure not all.
It is probably a combination of the illness, the lack of 'need' of her on your part and the fact that you are so far away from her. Not that it is right or wrong just possibly how it is and boy can I relate all too well. My only advice is to do like you do and call your Mother once a week, continue to send cards or whatever BUT when she crosses over do NOT take over where she left off with your siblings. It is not your responsibility and it is not her responsibility to make sure they are provided for. I have a feeling part of the reason she has provided for them is because of the 'need' factor for herself.
I think what is happening here are several things with my emotions.....
1. My mom has always been this way... decades. So her behavior now is not different then back in 1985 minus the moving away resentment part. I am having a hard time believing that if she was not ill that she would still be the same way, enabling the bad. I realize this is irrelevant, but it is how I feel and I need to get past it.
2. My family is doing NOTHING to support her in the respect of a positive relationship with me. They also appear to be annoyed with the fact that I moved away, which I can understand to some degree....but no one seems annoyed with my younger brother who got off because my mom wrote a check for an insane amount of money.
3. I feel the need to settle this somehow and with someone. I need closure. Not in the sense of preparing for my moms passing, as I have accepted that will happen, but to understand what the hell is going on. I need to ask the right people the right questions.... now if I do this I am going to upset my mom. As you point out even if I am 100% right, it will anger her. She may never want to speak to me again and I can guarantee that she will remember that. If she doesnt, then she will be reminded by my brothers.
So its a catch 22... how do I stop the crap but still be in a position to be able to maintain a relationship with her and my family? Even if I confront my brothers in private, I am still in a position that they will say something to her
Shaky, I'm getting tears as I read this b/c it's like reading a replay of all the crap with my mom. She wasn't exactly horrible--not at all really but it was just always obvious that she did not care for me at all, at all. She wouldn't call, she wouldn't visit, she wouldn't go anywhere with me and that bothered me more than anything because I'd see other adult dd's out shopping with their mothers but mine acted ashamed of me or something. I actually moved to be closer to her thinking that was part of the problem but I was miserable and wished that I hadn't sometimes though I also got to spend more time with g-ma. The fact is that you're hoping that something you say or do will change this--I know that b/c I thought it too--yeah if you examine it rationally you know better but in your child's heart you still want a mom. I'm so sorry but you won't have one in this lifetime and that sucks. But lighting into other family members cannot change what is--it just can't. You can't manufacture a feeling for yourself, much less for someone else. But you know what? This is her shortcoming, not yours. She is incapable of being a loving mother to you but that does not mean that you don't deserve one. You do.
I never said he wasn't a good man but merely stated the fact he provided, he moved away. I am not making a judgement as to whether his leaving was good or bad but that she may have reacted to it.
I'm with you on this Heidi60.....OP, I think your mom is just pissed at you because you moved and live soooo far away....the fact that she helps other siblings really has nothing to do with it (it's just what loving mothers do)....she's probably resentful that she can't see her grandchildren regularily, and it doesn't mean that she doesn't know you're the responsible one, and that you've done so much for her, that has nothing to do with it, in my opinion.
I hear you.... but I have to ask where do my siblings step in? If my mom doesnt want to talk to me for sane or insane reasons, then why would my siblings, especially the good one, not even make the effort to tell her she is wrong? She should call me and my kids. She should have wanted to visit me when in the area?
Should I be upset with my siblings?
I think you keep putting your issues with your mom onto your siblings....why should they damage what they have with your mom by taking "sides" so to speak....she is YOUR mother too...YOU talk to her...YOU call her,...seems to me that's alot to do with why she didn't visit you when she was near.....if you quit paying her the money you owe her now, she'll probably never want to talk to or see you again....sorry
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