Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I'm with you on this Heidi60.....OP, I think your mom is just pissed at you because you moved and live soooo far away....the fact that she helps other siblings really has nothing to do with it (it's just what loving mothers do)....she's probably resentful that she can't see her grandchildren regularily, and it doesn't mean that she doesn't know you're the responsible one, and that you've done so much for her, that has nothing to do with it, in my opinion.
Thank you.
In my own life's experiences, as my hubby will happily point out to me, when I suffer pain or disappointment it is becaue I am expecting people to act in a certain way. Example: Our neighbor's cat sprays our garage, neighbor's response is that we should take our boxes off our garage floor and keep our door closed as he doesn't want his cats spraying his house. Obviously, our expectations are very different from each other. Okay, I can hear it now, maybe that isn't the best example but it is the one we are dealing with at the moment.
One can't control situations when they are in your own home let alone when they are miles away. Just accept things as they are and roll with it, when you leave...you leave. Nature will fill the void.
She seems to enjoy taking care of those that "need" her. For years she always bailed out my brothers, gave them cash, bought them things... they just shot it up and drank it away. She was always giving to me, no question about that. But I could never understand why she supported them when all they did was cause her pain. One time the oldest beat her up while coming off of a drug high. When I told her I was coming down to kick him out ( when they finally told me 2 days later), she threatened to call the police on me for trespassing and she would never speak to me again....and this is before she was ill. The point is this is the life she leads.
Now I find out she is upset that I moved, wrote me and my family off, and will never ever call me... yet when we talk it is always good, long, and interesting. Who is the only one living with her? My younger screwed up brother who is upset with me because I didnt want to talk with him for getting arrested for dealing. Double
Ok, there are a whole bunch of things which could be going on here. My first question is have you heard it directly from her that she's upset? Some people like to poop stir and will outright lie, if not distort things. So first, where is the source of the information?
Alzheimers is likely playing a role too. While I temped in college, I worked for a real estate management company as a receptionist. There was a very sweet lady who was one of our tenants. We'll call her Mrs. Smith. Mrs. Smith would call one day, one of the agents would talk to her about apartment issues. She'd completely forget that she'd called and talked to someone and call back complaining we hadn't called her back. I would gently remind her which agent she spoke with and what the resolution was (this happened a lot so the agents would review the resolution with the receptionist). Now we were motivated to help prompt her memory as much as it could be prompted. It doesn't sound like your brother is similarly motivated, so he may be encouraging this preception that you don't call.
The rest depends upon whether or not the family dynamic predated the Alzheimers. I have no professional training in the psychology field, but if your dealing with a Narcissitic Personality Disordered parent or a Borderline Personality Disordered parent, they have an extreme fear of their children "abandoning" them. Normal independence, moving out of town can be considered abandonment in their minds. In these families, often one or more children is/are the "golden child" and one or more is/are the "scapegoat". Golden children can do no wrong in the parent's mind while scapegoats can do no right. Ironically, this sometimes results in golden children who can't manage basic adult functions and scapegoats who are quite capable and independent. While capability and independence are something a parent should be proud of, NPD & BPD parents don't see it that way. They see the capable and independent child as likely to "abandon" them, while the less functional golden child is tied to them. My mother has literally bailed my brother out with bail money. Since they're so afraid of abandonment, they will favor the child who is less able to strike out on their own. Often, the golden child/scapegoat dynamic gets transferred to the spouses and children of the respective roles.
If your mother isn't being nasty to you and/or your kids and you feel comfortable calling her, you may want to keep up the calls. Even if she doesn't have long term memory of them, she probably enjoys them in the short term. If she is abusive or nasty in calls or during visits, then it would depend on if she was before she got ill. For example, with the threat to call the police on you for trying to protect her from your abusive brother, is this part of a pattern or did it only start shortly before the diagnosis?
Either way, I'd pay the money back out of an ethical responsibility. But be sure to keep a record of your payments in case anyone tries to dispute that you paid.
I hear you.... but I have to ask where do my siblings step in? If my mom doesn't want to talk to me for sane or insane reasons, then why would my siblings, especially the good one, not even make the effort to tell her she is wrong? She should call me and my kids. She should have wanted to visit me when in the area?
Should I be upset with my siblings?
You've gotten some really good advice here from MANY people, as well as more than one plausible explanation of what could be wrong with your mother. All of which are mental defects. Unfortunately, there's nothing you can do to change that.
I hear determination on your part to reject that notion. In the course of this discussion, you've gone wanting to fix a problem ... to wanting your siblings to help you fix your problem ... to just wanting to blow up at your family. Your Mom refuses to change or take blame (she certainly has rejected any responsibility for your feelings), so you've moved to an expectation that the rest of your family should take your side.
Put yourself in your siblings' position:
1. What's in it for them to step in? To do the right thing, of course. But if it then messes up THEIR relationship with Mom, and they live closer and may have to have primary responsibility for her when she collapses completely, why would they do that?
2. If your mother is incapable of making sound, logical decisions, why would her reaction to THEIR plea for compassion be any different than her reaction to YOUR request?
3. Yes, they probably are jealous that you got away from all this family drama. It may not have been your motivation for moving at all, but the result is: you got distance. They're dealing with a mother who has Alzheimers and, believe me, that will bring a TON of problems down on their heads. They see you as the lucky one who escaped. Of course they have resentment. Do you think I don't have days of resenting my brother who's in the Midwest with his own family while I'm in Arizona taking care of "HIS" disabled mother 24/7/365? I can rationalize his position and control my anger, but it surfaces.
Everybody here accepts that your mother behaves terribly toward you. You've been treated unfairly. We really feel for you. But what good will it do for you to continue to fight this battle?
You want a mother and child reunion. It's unlikely that would ever happen unless you two went into serious therapy together and that seems quite remote. (Especially given Exscapegoat's wise observation that your mother probably has Narcissistic Personality Disorder or even Borderline Personality Disorder.) It's not healthy for your default position after that to be getting angry at others. It won't fix anything, it will just bring more stress.
You've told us your move was successful, related to your job and your family. Your wife and your children are better off being far away from the scene of your unhappiness. I know someone as frustrated as you are doesn't want to be told to count your blessings. But you seem to have some. Concentrate on that and let go of your anger. You're not going to get birthday cards, happy phone calls, or a sincere apology from your mother. Ever. She only cares about herself. It's ugly, but it seems true.
As they say in AA: accept the things you cannot change. Good luck.
My mom doesnt want to talk to me, my wife, or my kids....I am at a loss on this one.
About 2 years ago my wife, kids, and myself moved away. Personal reasons, time for a change, etc. We like it. We both have family 1500 miles away. Parents, siblings, etc.
I have noticed that my mom (divorced) never calls me, ever. Yet she complains to everyone else when I dont call. I have made it a routine to call her once a week at least for the past 18 months. There were only 2 times she has called me in 2 years. Once on my birthday, the other by accident when she meant to call my brother.
Now she is ill with Alzheimers.
Not to be too harsh, but the time is coming when you could call her every day and she won't remember it, and guess what? Then she's going to complain that you never call.
You say later in the thread that she has always been this way. The time to address that--with her, yourself, as two adults--has come and gone. You may want closure, but you probably won't get it. Alzheimer's is going to prevent any real resolution of this, so if I were you, I wouldn't waste a lot of energy on it.
I would just keep calling her once a week and do what you can. Your mother will appreciate it, whether or not she acknowledges it. I know it is hard on you and your family. She may not be doing the right thing, it doesn't mean that you have to follow suit.
Not to be too harsh, but the time is coming when you could call her every day and she won't remember it, and guess what? Then she's going to complain that you never call.
You say later in the thread that she has always been this way. The time to address that--with her, yourself, as two adults--has come and gone. You may want closure, but you probably won't get it. Alzheimer's is going to prevent any real resolution of this, so if I were you, I wouldn't waste a lot of energy on it.
She may not remember later, but she will now. Going through this is impossibly scary and no reason to cut her off because of this, if anything it is time to be supportive.
And is not only about the OP's mother, it is about how the OP will feel once she is gone. My dad has a form of Alzheimer's and I am lucky to see him once a year. He will recognize me and his face lights up, but won't remember the last time we talked. It tears me to pieces not to be able to support him more.
She may not remember later, but she will now. Going through this is impossibly scary and no reason to cut her off because of this, if anything it is time to be supportive.
And is not only about the OP's mother, it is about how the OP will feel once she is gone. My dad has a form of Alzheimer's and I am lucky to see him once a year. He will recognize me and his face lights up, but won't remember the last time we talked. It tears me to pieces not to be able to support him more.
Regardless of the situation at hand, if she passes, I will be at peace. As mentioned I am in the mode of acceptance before I moved that she may pass while I am away. I have had several close death to me over the years. While I have warmth and compassion to many that respect it, I am able to deal with the downswings in life and frankly just learn to move on. It is perhaps one of my stronger personalities. If I get I get kicked down, I get back up and continue to move on. I have proven it countless times both mentally and financially.
You've gotten some really good advice here from MANY people, as well as more than one plausible explanation of what could be wrong with your mother. All of which are mental defects. Unfortunately, there's nothing you can do to change that.
I hear determination on your part to reject that notion. In the course of this discussion, you've gone wanting to fix a problem ... to wanting your siblings to help you fix your problem ... to just wanting to blow up at your family. Your Mom refuses to change or take blame (she certainly has rejected any responsibility for your feelings), so you've moved to an expectation that the rest of your family should take your side.
Put yourself in your siblings' position:
1. What's in it for them to step in? To do the right thing, of course. But if it then messes up THEIR relationship with Mom, and they live closer and may have to have primary responsibility for her when she collapses completely, why would they do that?
2. If your mother is incapable of making sound, logical decisions, why would her reaction to THEIR plea for compassion be any different than her reaction to YOUR request?
3. Yes, they probably are jealous that you got away from all this family drama. It may not have been your motivation for moving at all, but the result is: you got distance. They're dealing with a mother who has Alzheimers and, believe me, that will bring a TON of problems down on their heads. They see you as the lucky one who escaped. Of course they have resentment. Do you think I don't have days of resenting my brother who's in the Midwest with his own family while I'm in Arizona taking care of "HIS" disabled mother 24/7/365? I can rationalize his position and control my anger, but it surfaces.
Everybody here accepts that your mother behaves terribly toward you. You've been treated unfairly. We really feel for you. But what good will it do for you to continue to fight this battle?
You want a mother and child reunion. It's unlikely that would ever happen unless you two went into serious therapy together and that seems quite remote. (Especially given Exscapegoat's wise observation that your mother probably has Narcissistic Personality Disorder or even Borderline Personality Disorder.) It's not healthy for your default position after that to be getting angry at others. It won't fix anything, it will just bring more stress.
You've told us your move was successful, related to your job and your family. Your wife and your children are better off being far away from the scene of your unhappiness. I know someone as frustrated as you are doesn't want to be told to count your blessings. But you seem to have some. Concentrate on that and let go of your anger. You're not going to get birthday cards, happy phone calls, or a sincere apology from your mother. Ever. She only cares about herself. It's ugly, but it seems true.
As they say in AA: accept the things you cannot change. Good luck.
Juke, I appreciate the detailed response here. To answer your questions.
1.) At this point, nothing. What tears me apart inside here is the people in question are ones that I have helped get on their feet, made included in my family and life, shown them the good things that are out there. Not even financially, but mentally. If my mom is that far gone she cannot rationally call me, then my siblings should be the ones to say " CALL HIM MOM, HE MOVED AWAY. IT DOESNT MEAN HE DOESNT LOVE YOU. HE HAS KIDS THAT LOVE YOU TOO" This is why I get upset with my siblings. In fact they have accused me of stealing from her as I managed a trust for her for 8 years. They had a feeling, made their accusations, but there was no proof.... yet that want to hold onto their beliefs. I know they have infused this into my mom.
2. She (oddly) respects them, always has. She has given to everyone for decades. She will listen to their pleas if they said she should call us.
3. Yes, I got away from drama. Drama that again has been around for decades. I have still offered to help. I have paid bills for her, helped make personal and financial arrangements, even offered to have her come and live down here with us. Even after those I still dont get a thank you. Never have. Everything was offered and on the table to help her. She doesnt want to move. She doesnt want me to help manage her finances... nothing.
Regardless of the situation at hand, if she passes, I will be at peace. As mentioned I am in the mode of acceptance before I moved that she may pass while I am away. I have had several close death to me over the years. While I have warmth and compassion to many that respect it, I am able to deal with the downswings in life and frankly just learn to move on. It is perhaps one of my stronger personalities. If I get I get kicked down, I get back up and continue to move on. I have proven it countless times both mentally and financially.
Glad you will be at peace, I still think you should stay above the fray and support your mother. She is making a big mistake the way she is treating you.
3. Yes, I got away from drama. Drama that again has been around for decades. I have still offered to help. I have paid bills for her, helped make personal and financial arrangements, even offered to have her come and live down here with us. Even after those I still dont get a thank you. Never have. Everything was offered and on the table to help her. She doesnt want to move. She doesnt want me to help manage her finances... nothing.
Yes went thru the exact same thing here. She didn't want my help either until the bitter end and then I made sure I was there b/c it was the only relationship I was going to get with my mother. She never called until the day she called despondent and suicidal and I made a quick drive over there thinking it was a false alarm and that she would have forgotten all about it by the time I got there but she was still crying 2 hours later. I had to make a quick decision to take her off the aricept at that point but she did accept my help more after that.
Here's a thing that happened years ago that should tell you what kind of relationship we had though. I went to go visit her with my 2 dd's who were 4 and 7 at that time and very well behaved. We only planned to spend a couple of nights but the drive took an entire 7 hours with all the stops you have to make with small children so I wasn't eager to just turn right around and go back and asked if I could stay a couple of more nights. She didn't even answer me--just set her shoulders in a way that told me she'd rather eat slugs than have me there one more night. That was very painful and I certainly did limit my visits after that but then there came a point where I just had to let it go and I'm glad that I did. I can tell you that she would never have considered moving in with me--not ever.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
