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I recently had a falling out with a friend. It was kind of messy and there was no closure. But her actions & behaviors proved she wasn't really a friend. In fact, there were several red flags I ignored, including the fact that she had a number of stories about dramatic falling outs with friends. I'm in my 40s and I haven't had a dramatic falling out with a friend since my 20s. Until the falling out with her. For me, realizing she wasn't really a friend and learning that I should trust my own instincts more are a form of closure. I don't miss her and I'm not sad she's no longer in my life.
Over 20 years ago, I decided to get married and move 1000 miles away. My best friend was indignant, saying I was making too hasty a decision and was going to ruin my life and she didn't approve. This went on and on - I patiently listened - but after several weeks and her recognition that I wasn't going to change my mind, she precipitiously called me up and said essentially - that she could not stand by and put a stamp of approval on this and she just didn't want to hear any more about it - good luck, smooth sailing, do not contact me again - you are being a total fool and too stubborn to see that you are ruining your future. But she said a LOT more really hateful things to me that would probably have ruined any friendship, just based on those ugly things alone (only a person who knows you really well knows your vulnerable spots - and hot buttons! - and she hit them all!)
I was very saddened, of course, but I also knew that at the bottom of this was her pain at losing the closest friend she had - and at a time when she herself was going thru/ some difficult situations w/ her own family.
I didn't hear from her again, so on the day I actually moved, I called her and of course she didn't answer . . . so I left her a message saying I love you, I have missed you and here's my new address and telephone number in my new city. I hope to hear from you and please come visit me.
I made my moved and about 9 months after I had settled in, I found a letter in the mail, apologizing for the really ugly, hurtful things she had said . .. and relaying that after analyzing her reaction and behaviors, she realized that she simply was hurt and felt abandoned by my leaving. She said she was very touched that I had called and left that message, b/c most folks would have written her off forever after the truly heinous things she said to me . . . and she just wanted to apologize for all that and thank me for being so gracious, and if there were anyway I could forgive her, even tho she fully recognized I could never trust her again, she would so appreciate the forgiveness.
I called her immediatley, we had a long cry, and mended our friendship on the spot.
So yeah, this is not the typical closure story . . . but I like to think it is one that proves that sometimes, sucking up your pride and putting things down on paper can mean a whole new level of friendship. That was over 20 years ago -- and now my dear friend is suffering from Alzheimers. I am so glad I didn't give up on her b/c now I am the keeper of all those memories of good times we shared - that she often can no longer recall.
Over 20 years ago, I decided to get married and move 1000 miles away. My best friend was indignant, saying I was making too hasty a decision and was going to ruin my life and she didn't approve. This went on and on - I patiently listened - but after several weeks and her recognition that I wasn't going to change my mind, she precipitiously called me up and said essentially - that she could not stand by and put a stamp of approval on this and she just didn't want to hear any more about it - good luck, smooth sailing, do not contact me again - you are being a total fool and too stubborn to see that you are ruining your future. But she said a LOT more really hateful things to me that would probably have ruined any friendship, just based on those ugly things alone (only a person who knows you really well knows your vulnerable spots - and hot buttons! - and she hit them all!)
I was very saddened, of course, but I also knew that at the bottom of this was her pain at losing the closest friend she had - and at a time when she herself was going thru/ some difficult situations w/ her own family.
I didn't hear from her again, so on the day I actually moved, I called her and of course she didn't answer . . . so I left her a message saying I love you, I have missed you and here's my new address and telephone number in my new city. I hope to hear from you and please come visit me.
I made my moved and about 9 months after I had settled in, I found a letter in the mail, apologizing for the really ugly, hurtful things she had said . .. and relaying that after analyzing her reaction and behaviors, she realized that she simply was hurt and felt abandoned by my leaving. She said she was very touched that I had called and left that message, b/c most folks would have written her off forever after the truly heinous things she said to me . . . and she just wanted to apologize for all that and thank me for being so gracious, and if there were anyway I could forgive her, even tho she fully recognized I could never trust her again, she would so appreciate the forgiveness.
I called her immediatley, we had a long cry, and mended our friendship on the spot.
So yeah, this is not the typical closure story . . . but I like to think it is one that proves that sometimes, sucking up your pride and putting things down on paper can mean a whole new level of friendship. That was over 20 years ago -- and now my dear friend is suffering from Alzheimers. I am so glad I didn't give up on her b/c now I am the keeper of all those memories of good times we shared - that she often can no longer recall.
Closure, I'm afraid, is a fairy tale, fobbed off on us by the pop psychology industry. Life is messy and filled with loose ends. The only closure you can have is to close the door on that room in your life and walk away.
Closure, I'm afraid, is a fairy tale, fobbed off on us by the pop psychology industry. Life is messy and filled with loose ends. The only closure you can have is to close the door on that room in your life and walk away.
I agree with, and respect, your comments a great deal of the time. However, sometimes the chips of a friendship fall in a way that slams the door shut with a BANG. Sure, some of those friendships might mend many years later, but I know of a few friendships that had ugly closure, real closure, where I do not want anything to do with that person. I really think people don't change that much.
I agree with, and respect, your comments a great deal of the time. However, sometimes the chips of a friendship fall in a way that slams the door shut with a BANG. Sure, some of those friendships might mend many years later, but I know of a few friendships that had ugly closure, real closure, where I do not want anything to do with that person. I really think people don't change that much.
I hear a lot of people say this and sometimes it disappoints me a bit. Maybe its because I have immediate family members so far off the grid and still hold hope for them to change. Maybe I am young and naive, but I do believe people grow and change sometimes for the better through experience. I really do. I am always on a path to better myself and have not made the best decisions in crisis situations, but I have self reflected in such a way that I am better prepared for that which I may not have been better prepared for before. I guess I just hope that plenty others are the same.
Also, this is difficult for me to believe because I have seen a lot of seemingly really great people change for the absolute worst. So if they change, can't those with less stellar characteristics change for the better?
In my younger days I worked for a Florist. A man came in and ordered 2 dozen roses to be delivered.
The card read ..... "When these roses are gone, I will be also".
I always wanted to know the rest of that story.
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