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There is really not much you can do. Hire a lawyer - go to your county Bar Association Lawyer Referral service and get a low-cost initial consultation. You've let many years go by without pushing the issue to maintain contact with your father. You know he was aware of kicking you out of the house and one of her relatives moving in. He was part of all the estrangement. If there's no/little contact between you now, he could, if he wished, do something about it. It's a shame and I'm sorry for your pain.
Many others have had similar situations and there really is not much to do about it except to try to make peace with your father, to forgive him for what he has done/allowed to happen, and to continue to surround yourself with those who do care about you.
I do not in any way exonerate my father in all of this. In fact, he is actually the gate keeper and should have kept her, as our biological parent, from destroying his family. But he didn't.
He would sail through a competency hearing.His sense of humor and irony are intact, and he is a very bright and witty man.
I meant to say that my half brother is 30 not 50. It's disgusting to see this man living in what was once my family home, playing video games in the basement, while driving a BMW paid for by them, and carrying a credit card with the name of the business my father and uncle emblazoned into it. Our family names. All of this while my sister, who really needs is help; bounces from one man to another.
It's a five bedroom house with an empty maids guarders, and he still can't find a place for his own daughter to live.
I hate to say it butt the same thing happened to me and there's nothing you can do beyond talking to him and making peace with all of it going to these opportunistic pieces of sh*t. They know they don't deserve any of that and don't care. Your father has issues only he knows, and the best you can do is mourn the relationship now and move on. When my father died I was told after the fact, even though he had been in decline for weeks. This b*tch told people I was off in another country and couldn't be bothered to come to his bedside when I've been living in the next county over for 5 years. I don't drive so I didn't just drop by to visit often. We saw each other maybe twice a year. She counted on that for her smear/lie campaign.
sheena12...I understand your frustration when you know someone could be helped, but you don't know how....remember though that these are all adults and their paths are of their own choosing...sometimes though it can be hard, we really can't allow ourselves to "take" on what we see others doing wrong....it's even harder when it's family....what I'm trying to say is that you really outa let the anger and frustration go...be happy in your life, and don't frett so much over others....Is your father excited about a new child?
I do not in any way exonerate my father in all of this. In fact, he is actually the gate keeper and should have kept her, as our biological parent, from destroying his family. But he didn't.
He would sail through a competency hearing.His sense of humor and irony are intact, and he is a very bright and witty man.
I don't see what you can do.
He made his own bed. Let him lie in it.
That sounds callous but he has always known what she is like. He knew this could happen. If she is the "wicked stepmother," he must be the "wicked father."
Which is worse, her doing this or him enabling her and allowing her to destroy his relationships with you and your other siblings?
Of course she should be stopped, of course this is a very sad situation, but what can you do NOW?
The time to address her (and his behavior) was before he was elderly and possibly at her mercy.
Honestly, it is way too late to address this. On paper, it appears all you are concerned about is the money, and even though I am sure that isn't your only concern, after this many years - 32? - it is very clear that the family is what it is today b/c your father allowed it to be the way it is.
If he had wanted to see you and your siblings and had he wished to be more generous, he would have long before now.
It appears he was head over heels over your stepmother . . . and not as though they haven't lived a good life. Perhaps what you took as her being a wicked stepmother was really her just doing what he wanted.
You say he speaks disrespectfully about your mother. Again, that was him doing the talking, not your stepmother. I think a lot of times adult children think they know their parents when really, they are operating on the basis of what they wish things were like or what they thought they were like when they were children.
The bottom line is . . . decades have passed and your Dad has either totally approved of the things your stepmother has done or he didn't care enough to protest. There is no reason he couldn't have kept a close relationship with his children if he had wanted to - yet he chose not to. The problem here isn't your stepmother - it is your Dad.
I do not in any way exonerate my father in all of this. In fact, he is actually the gate keeper and should have kept her, as our biological parent, from destroying his family. But he didn't. ............
This is really all you need to know. Knowing and accepting the reality of it are two completely different things.
I hate to say this but your father has long since moved on to a new life and a new family. In the process he appears to have cast you aside. This is the woman he looks at taking care of him in his last years, not his daughters from his first marriage. They have been together for decades, share children, and she has all the power now. Your father will most likely not change. Prepare yourself for the fact that should he become very ill that his wife will never allow you the opportunity to see him or tell him goodbye when he is dying (been there, had an evil step-monster like yours).
I believe there is a special place in Hades for women like this. Unfortunately while on this earth they make the lives of many absolute Hell and for no other reason than their own selfishness and insecurity.
All you can do is be a respectful and loving daughter to a father who has been manipulated and is a willing party to the way you have been treated. Maybe he will have a change of heart; but, don't count on it. At least you will have done your best and shown him that it was he rather than the money and possessions, that were most important to you.
You might try asking your father for a single item from the home you grew up in which reminded you of happier times of the family while you mother was living. He may say no so be prepared for that as well.
Other than that you can kiss the estate and any inheritance you thought you might have been entitled to goodbye. Don't be surprised if before all is said and done if you are written out of the will completely. The current wife and her family will get the bulk of your father's estate unless something happens in their marriage for him to divorce her (unlikely).
If you think your sister will need a keeper you might speak to your father about that and see if he is willing to set up an irrevocable trust for her well being with an attorney and yourself as the joint-conservators. If he won't then you have to ask yourself if you are willing to become your sister's keeper and start making plans and financial arrangements to do that.
Living a good and happy life will tick off your evil step-mother to no end while simultaneously giving your father some peace. Overcome her by making her irrelevant to your life.
Sadly, your predicament is not uncommon. My empathy to you and your siblings.
This is really all you need to know. Knowing and accepting the reality of it are two completely different things.
I hate to say this but your father has long since moved on to a new life and a new family. In the process he appears to have cast you aside. This is the woman he looks at taking care of him in his last years, not his daughters from his first marriage. They have been together for decades, share children, and she has all the power now. Your father will most likely not change. Prepare yourself for the fact that should he become very ill that his wife will never allow you the opportunity to see him or tell him goodbye when he is dying (been there, had an evil step-monster like yours).
I believe there is a special place in Hades for women like this. Unfortunately while on this earth they make the lives of many absolute Hell and for no other reason than their own selfishness and insecurity.
All you can do is be a respectful and loving daughter to a father who has been manipulated and is a willing party to the way you have been treated. Maybe he will have a change of heart; but, don't count on it. At least you will have done your best and shown him that it was he rather than the money and possessions, that were most important to you.
You might try asking your father for a single item from the home you grew up in which reminded you of happier times of the family while you mother was living. He may say no so be prepared for that as well.
Other than that you can kiss the estate and any inheritance you thought you might have been entitled to goodbye. Don't be surprised if before all is said and done if you are written out of the will completely. The current wife and her family will get the bulk of your father's estate unless something happens in their marriage for him to divorce her (unlikely).
If you think your sister will need a keeper you might speak to your father about that and see if he is willing to set up an irrevocable trust for her well being with an attorney and yourself as the joint-conservators. If he won't then you have to ask yourself if you are willing to become your sister's keeper and start making plans and financial arrangements to do that.
Living a good and happy life will tick off your evil step-mother to no end while simultaneously giving your father some peace. Overcome her by making her irrelevant to your life.
Sadly, your predicament is not uncommon. My empathy to you and your siblings.
I am so sorry.
I agree that asking for something that belonged to your mother or something special from your family home may be nice. However, don't be suprised if everything is gone.
Although, it isn't the same thing my husband's grandfather remarried at age 80. His new wife threw away ordonated to charity all the "old trash" (as she described it) in the house. His grandfather died fairly soon after he remarried. My husband's dad and his sisters and their children were shocked to discover that all of the special things that they remembered from childhood were gone. They weren't expensive but things like all the gifts that they had given their dad/grandpa, mom/grandma's fancy cake plates, grandpa/greatgrandpa's old clock, their favorite popcorn bowl, ALL of the Christmas ornaments saved for over 50 Christmases by his first wife (mom/grandma), etc, etc.
And, to top it off he transferred everything into his second wife's name even though she was much. much, much wealthier than he was AND he was retired the entire, brief time that they were married. So everything that mom and dad worked for during their entire working lives went to the second wife and her children and grandchildren.
It is very sad but this type of thing happens all of the time.
I agree that asking for something that belonged to your mother or something special from your family home may be nice. However, don't be suprised if everything is gone.
Although, it isn't the same thing my husband's grandfather remarried at age 80. His new wife threw away ordonated to charity all the "old trash" (as she described it) in the house. His grandfather died fairly soon after he remarried. My husband's dad and his sisters and their children were shocked to discover that all of the special things that they remembered from childhood were gone. They weren't expensive but things like all the gifts that they had given their dad/grandpa, mom/grandma's fancy cake plates, grandpa/greatgrandpa's old clock, their favorite popcorn bowl, ALL of the Christmas ornaments saved for over 50 Christmases by his first wife (mom/grandma), etc, etc.
And, to top it off he transferred everything into his second wife's name even though she was much. much, much wealthier than he was AND he was retired the entire, brief time that they were married. So everything that mom and dad worked for during their entire working lives went to the second wife and her children and grandchildren.
It is very sad but this type of thing happens all of the time.
That's a good idea. To ask for a single item that reminds me of happier times and especially of my mother.
I know about the trash thing, Three days after my mother dies she was at the house going through the clothes in the room in which my mom died - the death room, and putting every thing in black plastic bags. The secretary.
Anything valuable was kept of course.
I also know what you mean about the cake plates. They might not be valuable but they were to you.
I am also sorry that this happened to you and to all of the others.
Same with the christmas ornaments. I have none and it makes me sad. Christmas was so happy and my mom made it special.
On the surface, my step-monster looks like a loving wife to my father. As she tells it, she's a wonderful mother to her children (we, the step kids). But for a very long time now, she has made our lives very, very difficult to live. I think back sometimes and wonder why she is so freaking selfish and manipulative. I wonder why she thinks she has to control EVERYTHING. I wonder why she is so greedy herself, that she has projected that onto her kids. She believes we want all their money...all we've ever wanted was their unconditional love and attention. Yes, they give us love but every ounce of it comes with conditions. I used to think my sweet, loving dad had been kidnapped by her BUT I've come to know the very awful truth of him not wanting us enough to stop her terrible behavior. He is just as responsible as she is.
- When I was 7, she used to tell me to stop playing games. I literally thought she meant cards or Monopoly. She'd scream at me and I was so confused.
- When I was 12, she "spilled the beans" and told me that my oldest sister was actually my half sister. I cried. She thought I was being a baby and screamed at me to stop.
- She would pick a fight with me whenever I wouldn't sit or stand on command...she would actually tell me if my dad had a heart attack that it was my fault because I was misbehaving.
- Even now, because I won't divorce my out-of-work husband, she and Dad both call me a disappointment.
- Most every encounter starts off with "we're spending your inheritance". Very entertaining...I've never heard so much talk about the will and really EXPECT NOTHING. Anything they have ever shared with their kids comes with a very high price (i.e. you can't do this or that if I give you this).
- My dad told my sister during a very heated argument between sis and stepmom that he would always back her, no matter what. There are 37 years of examples to prove his statement was true. She was 13 at the time...about a month after they married.
- I know she has purposefully thrown away letters and erased voice messages. I cannot speak to my dad without her being present. I know it's damage control. But Dad just says he doesn't know anything and hands the phone over...or puts every call on speaker.
- Anything important only gets translated by her because he doesn't like to talk on the phone...I mean, what if one of us actually expected him to have his own thoughts or opinions?
I think the thing that makes me most crazy, is that she LIES. What must she tell him to make him drop out of our lives? If he only knew the things she's said and done behind his back...thing is, we've told him, on occasion, some different times she has done this and he chooses to 1) walk away 2) say we're lying or 3) get mad at us but still pretend we didn't say anything. He's scared, I guess, but I just don't care anymore.
The other really big thing that bothers me is that their friends know my dad. They know his history and thoughts and feelings on a wide array of subjects. They've seen his travel pictures. They know his personal tastes. I (and my siblings) know none of these things because when we ask, we get the standard response "oh, I don't know, honey".
They can name every last child to every last cousin in HER family but neither one of them know the names of my pets or even my best friend.
This is what I can say to you about your situation: grieve now. Just get it over with. They will never love you the way you need to be loved. Maybe they're capable but they CHOOSE to be this way and nothing will change it. They may never know the depths of the pain they've inflicted...because in their world, we're shyte and they're really good parents... but we know the truth. It's sad. My own crazy mother died five years ago and honestly, I feel like an orphan.
It's my burden...we have to find happiness elsewhere and give up the idea that any of this can be salvaged.
Sorry, my girl...it REALLY SUCKS bad!
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Christmas was so happy and my mom made it special.
