Wicked Stepmother keeping us from our dad,What to do> (house, abuse)

[Auntie77]

Originally Posted by sheena12

I do not in any way exonerate my father in all of this. In fact, he is actually the gate keeper and should have kept her, as our biological parent, from destroying his family. But he didn't.

He would sail through a competency hearing.His sense of humor and irony are intact, and he is a very bright and witty man.

I meant to say that my half brother is 30 not 50. It's disgusting to see this man living in what was once my family home, playing video games in the basement, while driving a BMW paid for by them, and carrying a credit card with the name of the business my father and uncle emblazoned into it. Our family names. All of this while my sister, who really needs is help; bounces from one man to another.

It's a five bedroom house with an empty maids guarders, and he still can't find a place for his own daughter to live.

I thank all of you for your kind responses.

So you are ticked your sane father chose something you don't like, and it's your half brother's fault that your sister is a tramp?

[LoveWisdom]

Originally Posted by sheena12

I hope someone can give me some insight into what to do about this situation.

My mother died of ovarian cancer when my sisters and I were in our late teens -early 20s. She had been ill for 5 years. This was in 1980. Soon after,my father told us that he had been seeing his secretary. Mom died in August, and by November Cora was living in the house. At first she was nice. But after their wedding in January, she turned very cold. Soon after she through me out of the house. She began wearing my mother's clothes and Jewelry. It would get worse.

I was the eldest. My father seemed positively hypnotized by this woman. After I was thrown out, she moved her youngest brother into my bedroom. In two months she threw out my next youngest sister.
Her family was always at the house and she found jobs for all of them in the office.None for us. My father never spoke up on ur behalf.

I should add that mt family is very comfortable and we were raised with nice things. She came from a large, lower middle class family. None of them had attended college, but she found all of them in my father's business. She is only twelve years older than I.

Come the holidays, we were not invited. By January , one year after the wedding (to which we were not invited) she was pregnant.It was a "seal the deal baby".

We had all attended public school. She sent my half brother to an expensive private school and later to a prep school out of state.I know over the years she helped her family out immensely.
If we were invited to holidays, we felt out of place in our own home. The house that we had grown up in was over run with her family, We were always invited for only a few hours and unceremoniously told it was time to leave.

My father through out the years has credited his success to her when in fact, my father was succesful when he hired her as a "Gal Friday" at 16. He can not stop singing her virtues. Everything has always been Cora this and Cora that. He also has made it a practice to bash my mother. We have complained to him but it continues.

The indignities each of us have suffered at the hands of this woman have been many.And to be fair, he has done nothing.

Two years ago, we were told about the will. When my father passes each sister will receive 33 thousand dollars. The remainder of what he owns will go to her and the half brother.
They own a home, where I grew up, which is valued at 1.5 million, office building valued at 3 million and a ski lodge condo that's about 300K. None of the things squired during my parent's 22 year marriage, including family heirlooms from both sides of the family, will be offered to us.

Over the years, I have seen things of my mom's disappear. I'm not sure if she sold them or gave them to her family, but it's been sad watching the things I grew up with dwindle away.Including gifts that I gave her.

I moved out of state several years ago, in part to distance myself from the whole mess. Cora has managed to drive a wedge between my sisters and I and relationships are strained.

I have maintained contact by sending cards and gifts on holidays and birthdays. He always acknowledged these gifts, but in the past couple of years, I am certain that some of them have been intercepted.

My suspicions were confirmed when invited him to my daughter's sweet sixteen party. They never RSVPed. When I spoke to him about it he said that he never received it and seemed to blame me, as though I am the postal person.

My cousin, his niece, stopped by his office once about a year ago and asked to see her uncle. My step mother ran to the door of the office as if to keep her from taking a step further inside and said my father was at home sleeping. She asked if she could leave her cell number and Cora replied that she would give it to him. She was in town for five days and he never called.

I do mot think he ever got the message.

He is at every family reunion for her family. My half brother who is almost 50 lives in the house and is trying to be an actor.He is not employed full time.

My sister called me last night to see if there is anything that we can do. I think he has been brain washed. Legally, she is on solid ground and the will is in accordance with state law.

She also has him convinced that he is poor.She gives him no money other than his social security check.
He can not travel or do anything. I think he is afraid to complain.

I am wondering if this constitutes Elder abuse and if I should call adult protective services.

It is not all about the money - we are prevented from seeing him and no longer invited to the home. I have just learned that they are preparing to sell the house. I think she is trying to liquidate his assets.I don't know what is going on. I only know that he believes himself too be poor.

He is alert but very abrupt. He is terse and quick on the phone almost as though he is being monitored.
Another comcern is my middle sister, who is virtually homeless. She has some psychological problems, never married and has difficulty holding down a job.I don't know what will become of her when he passes.

Does anyone have any suggestions? They live in NY State.

Thank you in advance.

Basically, you're saying that you and your siblings need your family's money, but the "wicked step mother" took control of it.

I don't see that there is anything that could be done. Your father is probably not going to side with you, so it would be a waste of time to call someone to sort this out for him. You probably feel that he is controlled and he probably doesn't feel the same way. Especially if you said, she convinced him that he is poor. That means he believes it. If asked by anyone, he would just side with her.


The best thing to do is to stand on your own two feet and forget about the family money. If your dad is on her side and you're against her so much, you won't be able to have a good relationship with him anyways, so it's just as well that you don't keep in touch.

[cheryjohns]

Originally Posted by LoveWisdom

Basically, you're saying that you and your siblings need your family's money, but the "wicked step mother" took control of it.

I don't see that there is anything that could be done. Your father is probably not going to side with you, so it would be a waste of time to call someone to sort this out for him. You probably feel that he is controlled and he probably doesn't feel the same way. Especially if you said, she convinced him that he is poor. That means he believes it. If asked by anyone, he would just side with her.


The best thing to do is to stand on your own two feet and forget about the family money. If your dad is on her side and you're against her so much, you won't be able to have a good relationship with him anyways, so it's just as well that you don't keep in touch.

That's how I took it. He has been married to this woman for 30 years and his first set of kids are busy trying to get money.

OP mentioned that she is ticked off because the half-brother is living in her "family home". That house belongs to the dad and his wife - "family home" it's not. OP and sister appear to think what is her dad's belongs to them.

The step-mother may be an ogre - but the OP and sister don't sound like prizes, either. Moderator cut: snip

[lenora]

All I can suggest is consulting with an attorney in your father's home town for guidance. If nothing else, you may have a claim for a share of the value of the jewelry and other property that belonged to your mother. (I am assuming your mother's estate was not probated).

I cannot even imagine my father behaving in the manner you described your father behaving after your mother's death. I know if I were in your position, I would have ceased all contact with my father as soon as he brought the bimbo into our home so soon after my mother's death. I'm sorry, but your father didn't "man up" after your mother's death and it's unlikely he will "man up" now. Maybe he was never cut out to be a father? Ugh.

Find the most highly recommended Elder Law/Estate Law firm in his community. Get that consultation! You need to know if there are any available legal remedies before you waste any more energy trying to figure this out on your own. Good luck.

[Mahrie]

Originally Posted by hothulamaui

I am so sorry, what a mess. I can tell you I had a similar experience and there really is not much you can do. I did call the police once to the house when after my father suffered a stroke, that I only heard about through another relative. I flew across country to see if my father was dead or alive as the wife just did not answer the phone nor reply to any of the voice messages we left inquiring about his health. I showed up at the door and it was slammed shut on my face. the cops showed up I was able to at least verify my dad was alive. when we went to the hospital a nurse told us she was surprised to see his daughters as he was told we were estranged!

my dad always wanted to see us and we were able to see him for the most part but it was always a struggle. your dad's anger could be a combo of things. one he may just be getting old and cranky, he could very well be "brain washed' after all this time living with this lady. all you can do is make an effort to see him and if you find he just can't give you the kind of relationship you want then you have to come to terms with the dad you knew before has changed.

thankfully my dad was always glad to see us but she made it hard and drove a huge wedge. she also has all my mother and grandmothers goodies that we were not welcomed to after his death nor did we ever see a will, which I find it doubtful he would not of left his girls something even if it was just a few hundred bucks.

it took us really 20 years really to come to terms with how things have changed. it has taken a lot of work to not feel so bad about it. letting go even of the material things is hard when the item has so many memories. but for us that was the only thing that saved us. his life has moved welled on, yours has not.

women like the ones that married our dads do try to isolate them from family. which is one of the signs that abuser's do. however that alone doesn't mean he is being abused. her telling him he is broke is not a sign either other then she either is wanting to horde it all and is cheap. as his wife of long standing that is her view and how she wants to live. it is so hard to see a parent live like he would have never lived when the first wife was alive. my dad was a neat freak and the mess he lived in before he died was just like an episode of hoarders. there mind set changes and we are really helpless, it is their life.

do your best to maintain a relationship and work on letting the rest of it go. you would have to have lots more to go on before calling elder abuse, she is his wife and can spend his money any way she wants. if you do call be ready for the fall out. if your dad is of sound mind he could be really mad that you took that step and truly cut you out. I wish it was different for you. this stuff is so hard. best of luck

Unfortunately, dysfunctional families appear to be the norm nowadays - I came from one myself. At some point, you just have to learn to say &%#@ it, and get on with your life. Go out and do some good in the world and you'll find a whole new 'family.'

Living losses (like your relationship with your father) are always hard to bear, and it'll always hurt, but you can still love your father from afar, even if it's not reciprocated. As far as inherited money goes, you'll likely borrow it cheaper, and sentimental items are best kept warmly in your memory. I've found it helpful to keep what's good about everyone and everything safe in my heart and just let the rest go. Love is all that matters anyway. Nothing else is worth your energy or time.

It also helps a *lot* if you can manage to forgive them all - for all of it - you'll feel immeasurably better, I promise.

Blessings and peace to you and yours always,

Mahrie.

[bigjretrac]

Sheena12, I don't have much to say other than I'm so sorry to hear about all of this.

I hear these stories all too often, and it makes my blood boil.

[KathrynAragon]

Originally Posted by Fern Rock

I suggest you take this woman outside and give her a good old-fashioned ass whuppin'. Seriously. She's not that much older than you. Probably never happened before. Of course, arrange for bail and have a lawyer on retainer since you know she'll call the cops from the hospital. Should have happened a long time ago. Give your dad a good swift kick in the seat also.

You asked for advice, you got it.

She could finish off the ass whuppin' with the old saying, "I'll be out of jail before you're out of the hospital."

[Meyerland]

Your father seems to be very happy with this woman, who he has been married to for 30+ years. He has a child with her and sees her as his other half. I am assuming he was married to your mother for a lot less time than this.

You are probably right that she is a harpy and is using your father to help her family, but it obviously makes him happy.

Let it go. Try to build a relationship with your father, as he won't be around forever. The money is his and he will do with it what he wants. It is not yours and has never been yours. I would be more worried about the relationship between you two, than the money.

[001]

I have a situation, not too different from yours. I am betting that your father had a relationship with your step, while still married to your mother. You know that old expression, 'life is unfair', and often is. I'm from the second marriage, and those from the third marriage have put themselves down for 96% of a 2+ million dollar estate. My father for nearly 50 years kept on telling me how poor he was. It's takes much strength to walk away from this.

[SoulJourn]

Originally Posted by Auntie77

So you are ticked your sane father chose something you don't like, and it's your half brother's fault that your sister is a tramp?

No. I understood it as her sister has problems and can't support herself, while the half brother is a mooch.

Did you read the whole post or are you just trying to score rep points for snark?