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I'd really like to know how you had your father diagnosed as a narcissist. I strongly suspect my father, older sister and brother have strong narcissist tendencies (less so my brother) but I have no clue how to get any of them into therapy. I know my family is highly dysfunctional but I am the youngest so no one in the family listens to me when I say the family needs therapy. My sister talks to me like I'm a servant, "borrows" thousands of dollars and doesn't pay it back on time and I could kick myself for blowing up at her today because she talked to me like crap in front of a guest tonight. I wish I had more composure to use those neutral statements but I don't have any rules of engagement to back me up. I just feel totally abused.
I'm still working on my composure but I know moving out has helped tremendously. It's like I moved out, and settling in may be stressful but it is not as stressful as living with a malignant narcissist. Finally my life doesn't feel like everything went wrong because of me and I went from confusion to relief.
OP, Sorry that you feel at such a young age so much discord in your life. I would strongly suggest some sort of therapy, self-help books, and groups.
You may out of necessity have to remain involved w/ your family members, but help w/ coping skills to do so would be a benefit to you. I appreciate your position..it is sad when relatives hurt us, and I feel for you. Take what you learn from these very sick folks and make it your lifes goal to do better in your interpersonal relationships.
If it is possible, I would avoid answering the phone and being at their beck and call. Try not to volunteer to be in the position to be confronted repeatedly w/ their madness.
I also think you may have some co-dependency issues because of your mother's ongoing attitude of making you do things, i.e. missing school to be her chauffeur...that is a prime example of people pleasing and sabotaging your own goals to do so. Get into a group re: co-dependency and take back your life. "Co Dependency No More" is a very good book to help you start off.
You should eventually be able to say No, without the voice of guilt inside your head. I hope you get some ongoing support re: therapy or groups...You will have a better life if you do address this.
Just a thought/suggestion.... Get a balance....A good thing is to develop a rule of thumb, become more selfish and less selfless...For every one thing you are forced to do for this group of family members, do 3 things for yourself. Say No until you do. Good luck to you
Last edited by JanND; 10-15-2012 at 08:39 AM..
Reason: edit text
There have been three narcissistic women in my life. The first was my former wife. I divorced her. The second was my current wife's mother - my mother-in-law. I avoided her, but she's been dead for several years now. The third is my oldest stepdaughter. I threw her out of the house. She had moved in to " get her life back on track," became a rather ugly within two days and I tossed her and her two young sons out after five weeks. Suffice it to say she's in her mid-thirties. She/they will not be back!
OP, Sorry that you feel at such a young age so much discord in your life. I would strongly suggest some sort of therapy, self-help books, and groups.
You may out of necessity have to remain involved w/ your family members, but help w/ coping skills to do so would be a benefit to you. I appreciate your position..it is sad when relatives hurt us, and I feel for you. Take what you learn from these very sick folks and make it your lifes goal to do better in your interpersonal relationships.
If it is possible, I would avoid answering the phone and being at their beck and call. Try not to volunteer to be in the position to be confronted repeatedly w/ their madness.
I also think you may have some co-dependency issues because of your mother's ongoing attitude of making you do things, i.e. missing school to be her chauffeur...that is a prime example of people pleasing and sabotaging your own goals to do so. Get into a group re: co-dependency and take back your life. "Co Dependency No More" is a very good book to help you start off.
You should eventually be able to say No, without the voice of guilt inside your head. I hope you get some ongoing support re: therapy or groups...You will have a better life if you do address this.
Just a thought/suggestion.... Get a balance....A good thing is to develop a rule of thumb, become more selfish and less selfless...For every one thing you are forced to do for this group of family members, do 3 things for yourself. Say No until you do. Good luck to you
Thanks for your input. I never considered co-dependency as an issue I may have, but I guess you never know. I really do need to become more selfish....it doesn't feel natural yet, but it feels great to say "no" to an aunt or not pick up my mom's calls when I'm studying.
You sounds like you know a lot about this topic. Have you been in a similar situation?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Curmudgeon
There have been three narcissistic women in my life. The first was my former wife. I divorced her. The second was my current wife's mother - my mother-in-law. I avoided her, but she's been dead for several years now. The third is my oldest stepdaughter. I threw her out of the house. She had moved in to " get her life back on track," became a rather ugly within two days and I tossed her and her two young sons out after five weeks. Suffice it to say she's in her mid-thirties. She/they will not be back!
Wow. Good for you for standing up for yourself, but was your ex-wife on board with kicking her daughter and grandsons out?
My ex husband is a narcissist with a borderline personality. Key phrase there being "ex."
My mother is very combative, paranoid, and with an apparently endless supply of energy that she loves to use to stir the proverbial pot.
I get people like that as far away from me as possible and keep them that way. But when I am forced to deal with them, I go into the situation by mentally preparing myself to REMOVE my emotions from the interaction - in other words, step back from it and simply refuse to play along. When they overstep my personal parameters, which is inevitable, I call them out on it - dispassionately - regardless of the setting and who is around.
For instance, right now, as silly as it sounds, my mother's latest thing is making fun of people who like to play golf. I don't know how this bee got in her bonnet, but that's her current thing. Of course, my husband loves to play golf - and she knows this. So this is how something may go between us:
(In the car with a realtor)
Me: Oh, this neighborhood is beautiful!
Mom: What's that big, pretty field over there? Oh, it's a golf course. (dismissive, rude sound) I guess if you like golf - which I can't imagine - it's pretty, but the fact that it's a golf course ruins it for me.
Me: Well, Mom, I'm the one looking for a house, so it's got to please me and my husband. What a view! I love it.
Mom: (She has completely lost focus on the idea of actually looking at properties and noticing the surroundings) Golf - what a ridiculous game. How anyone could enjoy it is completely beyond me.
Me, to realtor: Yes, this neighborhood looks great - I think my husband will like it. We'll definitely consider homes in this area.
Mom: I'd like it, if it didn't have a big GOLF COURSE right in the middle of it.
Me: Mom, we're not looking for a house for you. We're looking for a house for my husband and me. You know my husband loves to play golf. I know you don't like golf. Why are you continuing this line of the conversation? If you don't stop the negative comments immediately, I am going to call dad and have him come pick you up. And you know I mean it. (To the realtor) I'm sorry you have to hear this, but I'm not going to listen to this negativity the entire time we're looking at houses.
How my mother manages to work GOLF (of all things) into nearly every conversation is beyond me. But she chooses topics - odd topics that we disagree on - and somehow weaves them in every chance she gets. Believe it or not, the topic a few months back was CATAWBA TREES. See, she figured out that I like them - and she doesn't. SOMETHING TO ARGUE ABOUT! So she literally tried, in every conversation, to get a dig in about catawba trees - which I don't even have in my yard and simply am not emotionally involved in. It is so weird.
I tried ignoring her but that doesn't work - she just gets more and more outlandish as she tries to evoke a response. So I've learned to call her hand immediately and in public. This embarrasses her enough to get her to shut up - at least temporarily.
It's tiring to be around dysfunctional people, but at least there is satisfaction in establishing your parameters and sticking to them.
Pear Martini...I had much experience in a marriage w/ an abusive man. I truly feel that co-dependency counseling saved me and my children. And, keep saying no...the more you can do it the more it becomes normalized for you. Women by nature are more altruistic....We are nuturers and caregivers....But, You really need to take care of you, and you need for someone to tell you that is is ok to say No to others....and yes to your own needs. Now, take care of youyou've already taken some real steps....explore the co-dependency information...Here is just one link, there are many good ones online. Mental Health America: Co-dependency
Do you have family that has personality disorders that have harmed/abused you in anyway?
How did you get over the resentment and pain?
How do you cope with being forced to keep them in your life and do them favors all the time?
Yes, I have had such experiences. Your aunt sounds like my mother's side of the family. And while I know where it comes from, I learned one very valuable lesson. I didn't break it, it is not my job to fix it. I don't cope with being forced to keep them in my life because I don't keep them in my life. I don't have to. You don't have to either.
Narcissists are energy draining, life sucking, emotional parasites. The only way to recover from one is to put him/her out of your life completely.
^^^yes! That is what my instincts and this thread has told me.
What bothers me is I can't make the people around me see that this is why I must separate myself from this part of my family. I assume they imagine I'm cold or not family oriented. I am neither of those things but telling someone who has no close experience with an N that a large chunk of your family is N's and that is why you separate yourself from them, well I feel like I would seem like an ungrateful *******.
Thanks for your input. I never considered co-dependency as an issue I may have, but I guess you never know. I really do need to become more selfish....it doesn't feel natural yet, but it feels great to say "no" to an aunt or not pick up my mom's calls when I'm studying.
You sounds like you know a lot about this topic. Have you been in a similar situation?
Wow. Good for you for standing up for yourself, but was your ex-wife on board with kicking her daughter and grandsons out?
Actually, it was my current wife-her children and grandchildren. But even though we have " two families" we've always considered them to be one. We don't differentiate. She sees her daughter realistically for who and what she is and will put up with it anymore than I will.
No one, and I mean and no one, is permitted to destroy the peace and tranquility of our home. I don't care who they are. It's just not happening on my watch!
I'm glad you moved out. I'm still living with a malignant narcissist.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pear Martini
I'm still working on my composure but I know moving out has helped tremendously. It's like I moved out, and settling in may be stressful but it is not as stressful as living with a malignant narcissist. Finally my life doesn't feel like everything went wrong because of me and I went from confusion to relief.
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