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I have to admit, I had a rough childhood. My father passed when I was 5, my half brothers died in an accident when I was 12, and it was just me and my mom after that.
Over all, life has been good to me, but my mother has two sisters, both of whom are clearly narcissistic and honestly, I see narcissism in my mother as well but it isn't as bad as her sisters.
They are from a wealthy South American family, but according to each of them had barely no parenting because Grandma admitted she never wanted children. This is why I believe they are all narcissist, especially the oldest one.
These people only call me when they need something from me, be it a car ride or whatever. One of them even talks **** about my mother to me constantly. She has even told me that my other aunt probably doesn't want her daughter to be close to me because she thinks I'm a S L U T. She said this with a smile.
I also have a cousin who is 30 (I'm 23) and her husband is 43. She has had plastic surgery and is very insecure. One day she accused her husband of having an affair with me. She told the whole family, and I was left looking like a black sheep. I never slept with him, and I have never even been alone with him before. He was 40 and I was 20 at the time and I would NEVER sleep with a married man. This ruined my relationship with a handful of my relatives, although her own father and brother apologized to me and said she was just jealous of me. They also said that no one really believed her. It still has ruined my relationship with at least 4 cousins.
I guess I'm starting this thread to hear of other people's experiences with toxic family members, especially narcissists.
I'm a total black sheep in the family, and I'm not sure why. I never show cleavage and I have had the same boyfriend for years. I honestly think the family members who have called me a "****" or who plain just don't like me are jealous of me because I'm the prettiest out of my generation in our family.
I know that sounds narcissistic but I have been hearing it my whole life from my Grandmother, mother, and my aunt who only has sons. I'm not a 10, but I have always been the "pretty one" in my family.
It's funny because I have a full-scholarship because of how broke I am and have been working as a waitress and bartender since I was 17 to put myself through college because my mom spent my college fund at Bloomingdales and the only things these people can tell me about myself or my mother are negative.
I was told I was wasting my time in Florida and that's why it took me so long to get through college by one of these aunts. Actually, I was forced to take a year off because my mother injured her foot and I had to driver her everywhere for a year and had no money to go to school.
I also need to learn how to cope with these people. My mother forces me to stay in contact with these aunts and every time I have to see either of them it just ruins my day because they are negative, manipulative, and downright evil.
Here are some links that may be helpful
I guess the point of this is:
Do you have family that has personality disorders that have harmed/abused you in anyway?
How did you get over the resentment and pain?
How do you cope with being forced to keep them in your life and do them favors all the time?
There's a streak of narcissism in my family. A couple of them are likely full-on sociopaths. I cut the sociopaths out of my life and I'm not sure how I could maintain contact with them.
With my father (a diagnosed narcissist), I just don't rise to the bait. I've set my boundaries and I only engage with him if he respects those boundaries. He knows the rules.
Certain phrases I find useful:
"Wow" (whenever lines are crossed)
"I'm sorry you feel that way." (whenever a rant is occurring)
"I'm sorry I can't help you." (a variation of the above)
Neutral comments are great. Have a stash of them at your disposal.
My mother is very likely a Narcissist, also with Borderline tendencies. Her sister shows a lot of Borderline behavior and their cousin Mimi (me, me, get it?) shows a lot of NPD behavior.
I'll post more, mabye this weekend, but it sounds like they've made you the scapegoat. Best you can do is limit contact, set boundaries & protect yourself. Regardless of what your mother wants. One thing I've learned is if I try to please a N in my life, we wind with 2 unhappy people. The N is unhappy because Ns are never truly happy. I'm unhappy for going out of my way for people who will not only NOT appreciate it, but they will poop all over any effort I make. But if I do what I need to in order to protect myself and be happy, at least I'll be happy, which is one more happy person than there would be from trying to please the N
Pear Martini, you've already had enough sadness for one lifetime. So I'm sorry you have to put up with these people on top of it. Malignant is a good word to describe this character defect.
But I will tell you that getting experience in dealing with this kind of person will serve you well in your future career. I'm lucky enough not to have any serious narcissism in my family, but I certainly have worked for enough narcissists! I wasn't in the workforce too long before I decided that the people who get ahead the quickest in the world are narcissists. I started out my career in the lobbying world in Washington, DC, and after getting my fill of that, I move into a very competitive department of a major university. When I finally decided that if I had to put up with so much craziness, I may as well get better pay for it, I took a job with a Fortune 100 corporation. All worlds where narcissists flourish.
Their overly developed feelings of entitlement lead them to expect the very best response for everything they do. They shamelessly take advantage of others and feel no need to give anyone else credit for helping them along their way. They start every new job planning for their next job, rather than accomplishing something in the job they have. If their own efforts don't yield the expected positive results, they are happy to take someone else's work and present it as their own.
Needless to say, they are hideous to work for. You can never do enough for them. When you achieve results, the spotlight goes to them. I once edited a corporate magazine that I was very proud of and I entered it in a city-wide contest run by a professional society. My magazine won first prize. Guess who went to the fancy banquet to accept the award? Not I. My boss, who did absolutely nothing for the magazine except hold the department budget that paid for it, received the accolade and kept the award in her office. I could go on for days with examples. A friend of mine who worked for a narcissist had to carry her boss's luggage on corporate trips (in addition to her own). That boss had marriage problems and stayed in the office all but about 10 hours a day. My friend was expected to stay there beside him, even though half the time he wasn't working. If she would try to leave she would be told she wasn't a team player.
One final funny story: I once attended an absolutely exquisite wedding where I was seated at a table with, among others, the groom's father's boss, a political person whose name some of you might recognize. He totally dominated the conversation at the table — complaining about the quality of the wine, the food, the music, the waitstaff. He was especially incensed that we had gotten to dessert and our table still hadn't been visited by the bridal couple. His chagrined wife finally said, "Dear I think we should be getting home." He responded loudly, "I haven't made my speech yet!!" She reminded him that this was a wedding and as a guest he wasn't going to be asked to make a speech. "Well, then, we may as well get out of here."
The corporate world is a haven for several personality disorders, but it's the narcissists who zoom up the executive ladder. Every aspect of their character that makes them impossible to live with is something that gets rewarded in a corporate model.
So, do your best learning to cope. The skills you are acquiring will pay off someday. At the very least you'll be able to recognize a toxic relationship and know when to cut out before you get hurt. And you'll be better able to recognize an environment that is truly productive and won't crush your spirit.
My therapist recommended Ordinary People. Especially the "what kind of mother doesn't love her son" and the photo scene. What struck me the most about the movie was the scene in Buck's room and the awkward trig conversation.
I have found it very helpful to read about NPD/BPD and hear about the experiences other people had with BPD/NPD. Some features are so common, for example, the smear campaign you had to deal with and the Flying Monkeys (other relatives getting involved). The patterns made it easier for me to accept that it wasn't me, it was my mother's illness.
My mother cut me off because she doesn't like having any boundaries set. If I don't let her scream and yell at me, I'm a bad daughter. There was occasional physical abuse when I was a kid as well (and I'm not talking about physical discipline which was typical during my childhood, I don't consider that abuse). She goes around crying to people how she just wants a closer relationship with me and I'm being cruel. Meanwhile, she never mentions the screaming, the yelling which would still be going on if I hadn't set boundaries or the past physical abuse. She tried to re-establish contact around Christmas time and I just ignored it.
Her sister does similar things with one of my cousins. She's always melting down and occasionally my cousin sets boundaries. My cousin does a lot for her and is good to her, but it's never enough. If my cousin, cousin's spouse and their kids want to go out just them, she pulls a fit. Even though she gets invited to many outings/gatherings and gets a lot of time with my cousin & her grandchildren. My aunt was invited to one holiday with them, but decided the notice as too short. So she stayed home alone with take out food and moaned about it to the whole extended family about how she was home alone for the holiday eating take out.
Cousin Mimi must dominate all conversations and must be included in all plans. She's not even technically related to my great aunt who hosts most holidays (different side of the family) One year after Christmas my great aunt went to go see her son after Christmas to celebrate with him and his family. One of her other sons drove her there, but couldn't pick her up because of work. I went to pick her up and got to catch up with them. When my great aunt mentioned I drove her, she grilled her on how long I stayed and wanted to know why she didn't take Greyhound. Yes, an 80ish woman with a hip replacement should take Greyhound so Mimi doesn't feel excluded Not to mention, my great aunt would then have to take a subway from the bus station.
I found therapy and self help very helpful in dealing with it. Also, limiting contact as much as you can helps. It's less stress and drama and it gives you time to heal from the past.
NPD/BPD people rarely acknowledge they have a problem, it tends to be everyone else's fault they're angry/sad. So they rarely seek help. Even if they do, the therapist only hears their side. My mother outright lies about both estrangements we had, saying I initiated them. Since they can't acknowledge a problem, they're unlikely to change. They're good at faking change to get something they want, but they quickly revert to old habits. Accepting they're not going to change is very helpful in dealing with parents with personality disorders.
Last edited by exscapegoat; 10-06-2012 at 10:05 AM..
Why do you think these members of your family became narcissistic?
Do you think it was upbringing? Could it be genetic? I often wonder about these things myself.
Contact with my mother has become very limited because every time I call her she has something about me to complain about. How can you possibly have an issue with me when we live 1600 miles away and never see each other?
Friday, my dog got into my ibueprofen and I had to rush him to the emergency vet. He ingested over the lethal dose and I was is shear panic, crying, and scared that it was my fault that my dog who gets me through my hard days and love deeply may die.
I called my mother from the vet knowing there was a good chance she wouldn't care, but I needed some distraction and she just told me "Well, I'll have to tell you now while you are in pain because it is the only way you will learn to keep that dog in a cage"
1. I would never cage my dog for longer than necessary while I'm out
2. I was freaking out and crying and she couldn't even pretend to comfort me.
I'm starting to lose the love I had for my own mother and it doesn't hurt. I actually feel stronger now. I know a lot of kids go through a stage of "my mother doesn't love me" but I'm really starting to think she doesn't love me, never did, and is not capable of it.
Why do you think these members of your family became narcissistic?
Do you think it was upbringing? Could it be genetic? I often wonder about these things myself.
Maybe it's cultural and their upbringing? Well... in a couple of my jobs, I've had a difficult time dealing with Brazilian women, the kind that are either young and attractive, or older and who were very attractive when they were young. And they seem to have a strong need for male attraction, even if they are already married or have serious bfs. I find it annoying because I like a working atmosphere of teamwork and treating my co-workers like siblings. All this flirty stuff is stupid, and I don't think that the male co-workers want to be put in the position of pretending to find them sexy.
On the other hand, most of the South American men that I've work with have been nice and very charming in manner.
If your mother and aunts used to be very pretty when they were young, they were conditioned to make the most of their looks to attract male attraction. That phrase "a woman's face is her fortune" comes to mind. And as their looks fade, they just get nuttier about wanting attention, as if since they are still getting attention, they aren't old yet.
Of course, other cultures have similar issues with placing an emphasis on youth and female beauty. In my family though, being smart and doing well in school was the priority and our looks weren't promoted. So as I age, I am more worried about getting senile than I am about getting wrinkles and grey hairs!!
Try to stay away from your family and instead meet more people and make some good friends. My mantra is... you can't pick your family, but you can pick your friends. And I am closer to some of my friends than I am to my blood family. And I feel guilt-free about that.
My mother, her sister and the cousin all had traumatic upbringings. Which is part of why they get away with their behavior because other family members feel badly for them. So do I, up to a point. Their upbringing may entitle them to sympathy and understanding, but not to treat others badly.
My mother is obsessed with aging. One time some emotionally disturbed homeless guy on the street was shouting at me what he'd like to do to me sexually (I was in my 20s at the time). He then looked over at her and said, "and your friend too". Instead of being disgusted about this stranger shouting at us, she was happy because he thought she was my age!
Sadly, what you describe is typical of N behavior. They care more about kicking you when you're down than trying to comfort you. They will also make snide comments to bring you down when you talk about something good (job or romance prospects). I learned to just stick to neutral topics like the weather.
I'm sorry to hear about your dog, hope he is recovering.
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but I have been hearing it my whole life from my Grandmother, mother, and my aunt who only has sons. I'm not a 10, but I have always been the "pretty one" in my family. 
) shows a lot of NPD behavior.
Not to mention, my great aunt would then have to take a subway from the bus station. 
