Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Why do you think these members of your family became narcissistic?
Do you think it was upbringing? Could it be genetic? I often wonder about these things myself.
Contact with my mother has become very limited because every time I call her she has something about me to complain about. How can you possibly have an issue with me when we live 1600 miles away and never see each other?
Friday, my dog got into my ibueprofen and I had to rush him to the emergency vet. He ingested over the lethal dose and I was is shear panic, crying, and scared that it was my fault that my dog who gets me through my hard days and love deeply may die.
I called my mother from the vet knowing there was a good chance she wouldn't care, but I needed some distraction and she just told me "Well, I'll have to tell you now while you are in pain because it is the only way you will learn to keep that dog in a cage"
1. I would never cage my dog for longer than necessary while I'm out
2. I was freaking out and crying and she couldn't even pretend to comfort me.
I'm starting to lose the love I had for my own mother and it doesn't hurt. I actually feel stronger now. I know a lot of kids go through a stage of "my mother doesn't love me" but I'm really starting to think she doesn't love me, never did, and is not capable of it.
My gawd what a thing for her to say. Sounds like something my own mom would say though. Did your dog make it? I hope so.
To answer your question I, even though I didn't really admit to it for awhile, and before that didn't have a name for it, I do think my mother might be a malignant narcissist. I also am starting to question whether or not she loves me. She has depression and anxiety also and is not on medication right now. She's also an alcoholic. My mother likes to "kick" me whether I'm up or down. For an example, she used to go on one of her crazy verbal tirades before a big project she knew I had coming up in school and I'd get upset and leave the house and end up later unable to concentrate. When she wants to fight, she wants to fight and trying to defuse it won't work.
She also, as I've recently found out, likes to kick me when I'm down. I was staying with her for a couple of days last week while I was dealing with some major apartment issues and she went on another loud verbal tirade at me at five o'clock in the morning one day, and when I told her I was leaving she got worse, called me a "nasty *****", told me to get out, then told me if I left not to come back, and then promptly started crying and saying she is just trying to help and suddenly stopped before she told me not to come back. I had to listen to her bull for fifteen minutes while I was trying to find my car keys. Then she physically blocked me from leaving and I kept trying to push past her and finally had to push her to get her out of my way and then I left. I feel horrible for pushing her. I feel horrible to say that I pushed my mother.
Among other things, she has constant demands, some of which I like to help, (getting her favorite coffee at my work since I work there) and others I just can't get myself to deal with. She's trying to talk me into sharing my anti-depressants with her, which is illegal and I told her I don't mind paying for her doctor's appointment if she goes but she told me "you can't afford that." Oh but I can afford to split meds between two people, and it's okay even though it's illegal right? She also mentioned last week, some mumbo-jumbo about getting fictitious license plates for her car under my name but she couldn't have possibly been serious about that one...
For awhile she was also trying to get me to co-sign for her house so she could refinance and got all mad when I told her I was uncomfortable with the idea and I had talked to a college counselor about it, who advised me not to do it. She demands constant attention, complains incessantly about everything, it's impossible to make her happy or to help her, and she'd rather just complain than change her life. She'll ask people several times if they like something she made or did, but that never really bothered me.
She treats my brother like a king to his face and other people's faces and complains about him behind his back. She doesn't speak with half of our family and is convinced they talk about her constantly. She still complains about them too. She finds a way to ruin anything good and is constantly picking at my insecurities and/or trying to give me new ones.
I could really go on and on but I won't, I have a long post already. To cut it short, I have finally decided that it'll take a long time to forgive my mother for things, and to forgive myself for putting up with her nonsense for so long, and also forgiving myself for feeling like a bad daughter who never makes my mother happy. I keep wondering if it's something I did or something that bad. The thought of being without my mother is relieving and at the same time makes me panicky and sad but I know it's best especially right now while I get through my other problems. Good luck with your mother and if you want to talk, PM me.
Osito, the behavior you're describing sounds like it could be Narcissistic and/or Borderline Personality Disorder. You may want to read up on both. It's pretty common for both disorders to be found with addiction and/or mood disorders such as anxiety and/or depression.
I thought all along my mother acted abusively because she was an alcoholic. But the abusive behavior continued after she stopped drinking. She's also been diagnosed with depression, but the Personality Disorder hasn't officially been diagnosed. I described the behavior to a couple of therapist I've worked with and they were clear they couldn't diagnose her, but said it sounded like NPD/BPD behavior and to read up on it.
Both, but especially BPDs, fear "abandonment" so they will undermine their kids from the normal processes of becoming an independent adult. Her starting fights before important events, trying to tie you financially to her house, etc. are all typical examples of that. Don't do anything which will tie you legally or financially to her.
Also, if she threatens suicide to control you, some BPDs do, call 911. If it's a genunine suicide attempt, she'll get the help she needs. If she's doing it to manipulate you, she'll learn not to do it. And the police, EMTs and ER staff have the training to determine if she needs to be admitted or not. You shouldn't be put in the place of determining that because the consequences of miscalculating are too high and it's not something you were trained for or know how to deal with. Not to mention the stress levels it would cause you
I have to admit, I had a rough childhood. My father passed when I was 5, my half brothers died in an accident when I was 12, and it was just me and my mom after that.
Over all, life has been good to me, but my mother has two sisters, both of whom are clearly narcissistic and honestly, I see narcissism in my mother as well but it isn't as bad as her sisters.
They are from a wealthy South American family, but according to each of them had barely no parenting because Grandma admitted she never wanted children. This is why I believe they are all narcissist, especially the oldest one.
These people only call me when they need something from me, be it a car ride or whatever. One of them even talks **** about my mother to me constantly. She has even told me that my other aunt probably doesn't want her daughter to be close to me because she thinks I'm a S L U T. She said this with a smile.
I also have a cousin who is 30 (I'm 23) and her husband is 43. She has had plastic surgery and is very insecure. One day she accused her husband of having an affair with me. She told the whole family, and I was left looking like a black sheep. I never slept with him, and I have never even been alone with him before. He was 40 and I was 20 at the time and I would NEVER sleep with a married man. This ruined my relationship with a handful of my relatives, although her own father and brother apologized to me and said she was just jealous of me. They also said that no one really believed her. It still has ruined my relationship with at least 4 cousins.
I guess I'm starting this thread to hear of other people's experiences with toxic family members, especially narcissists.
I'm a total black sheep in the family, and I'm not sure why. I never show cleavage and I have had the same boyfriend for years. I honestly think the family members who have called me a "****" or who plain just don't like me are jealous of me because I'm the prettiest out of my generation in our family.
I know that sounds narcissistic but I have been hearing it my whole life from my Grandmother, mother, and my aunt who only has sons. I'm not a 10, but I have always been the "pretty one" in my family.
It's funny because I have a full-scholarship because of how broke I am and have been working as a waitress and bartender since I was 17 to put myself through college because my mom spent my college fund at Bloomingdales and the only things these people can tell me about myself or my mother are negative.
I was told I was wasting my time in Florida and that's why it took me so long to get through college by one of these aunts. Actually, I was forced to take a year off because my mother injured her foot and I had to driver her everywhere for a year and had no money to go to school.
I also need to learn how to cope with these people. My mother forces me to stay in contact with these aunts and every time I have to see either of them it just ruins my day because they are negative, manipulative, and downright evil.
Here are some links that may be helpful
I guess the point of this is:
Do you have family that has personality disorders that have harmed/abused you in anyway?
How did you get over the resentment and pain?
How do you cope with being forced to keep them in your life and do them favors all the time?
Anything you really, really care about, KEEP them away from it. Stay on speaking/civil terms only, maintain a very superficial connection with them via family, and go on with your life. They don't change. They get sicker, and more selfish and cruel. Sorry to break it to you.
I never have dealt with toxic humans whether they be family or not and I never will. I avoid them at any function for family we may be at and if they don't leave me alone I leave and as far as friends, I do not surround myself with toxic friends. I do not have the time, energy nor patience to deal with such pathetic behavior so I don't.
I never have dealt with toxic humans whether they be family or not and I never will. I avoid them at any function for family we may be at and if they don't leave me alone I leave and as far as friends, I do not surround myself with toxic friends. I do not have the time, energy nor patience to deal with such pathetic behavior so I don't.
Good advice, but when one grows up with toxic parents, it sometimes takes awhile to figure out that they are toxic. It's even worse if there are other extended family members who are toxic. It can take longer to figure out because the toxic seems to be normal
Anything you really, really care about, KEEP them away from it. Stay on speaking/civil terms only, maintain a very superficial connection with them via family, and go on with your life. They don't change. They get sicker, and more selfish and cruel. Sorry to break it to you.
Good advice, but when one grows up with toxic parents, it sometimes takes awhile to figure out that they are toxic. It's even worse if there are other extended family members who are toxic. It can take longer to figure out because the toxic seems to be normal
I understand that completely the toxic family members I stay away from I was forced to be around when I was a child but I learned to blend into the background and thankfully they rarely noticed I existed.
Osito, the behavior you're describing sounds like it could be Narcissistic and/or Borderline Personality Disorder. You may want to read up on both. It's pretty common for both disorders to be found with addiction and/or mood disorders such as anxiety and/or depression.
I thought all along my mother acted abusively because she was an alcoholic. But the abusive behavior continued after she stopped drinking. She's also been diagnosed with depression, but the Personality Disorder hasn't officially been diagnosed. I described the behavior to a couple of therapist I've worked with and they were clear they couldn't diagnose her, but said it sounded like NPD/BPD behavior and to read up on it.
Both, but especially BPDs, fear "abandonment" so they will undermine their kids from the normal processes of becoming an independent adult. Her starting fights before important events, trying to tie you financially to her house, etc. are all typical examples of that. Don't do anything which will tie you legally or financially to her.
Also, if she threatens suicide to control you, some BPDs do, call 911. If it's a genunine suicide attempt, she'll get the help she needs. If she's doing it to manipulate you, she'll learn not to do it. And the police, EMTs and ER staff have the training to determine if she needs to be admitted or not. You shouldn't be put in the place of determining that because the consequences of miscalculating are too high and it's not something you were trained for or know how to deal with. Not to mention the stress levels it would cause you
Borderline Personality Disorder, huh? That's interesting, I've heard of that but never really read up on it but it sort of makes sense.
Sadly, what you describe is typical of N behavior. They care more about kicking you when you're down than trying to comfort you. They will also make snide comments to bring you down when you talk about something good (job or romance prospects). I learned to just stick to neutral topics like the weather.
I'm sorry to hear about your dog, hope he is recovering.
Pear,
so so so sorry that you have this to deal with this in your family - especially with your Mom. Suggestions you have received are outstanding ones! I hope you find some good coping mechanisms there.
As much as it pains me to say this, don't rely on your Mom or fam for support here. When you turn to folks like this for support it usually makes you feel worse - because they really don't give a rat's butt about you, only about themselves and their own needs. I qualify here to talk about this because I have cousins like this... and how they treated me when my Mom passed was beyond selfish and uncaring, but that is how they always were (my hubby pointed that out to me!).
Limit your contact with these negative downer folks, find your strength from within (or God if you are a believer) and your friends. These N people are very very toxic and can take you from being a self confident pretty much ok person, down to a crying sniveling person with no self esteem. Again, I know. Keep your guard up! Put yourself first, and find some friends to stand with you.
I understand that completely the toxic family members I stay away from I was forced to be around when I was a child but I learned to blend into the background and thankfully they rarely noticed I existed.
If they don't make you their scapegoat, that's possible. Both my parents also were active alcoholics growing up, in addition to my mom's likely NPD/possibly BPD. I could fade into the background when my dad got angry and irrational like you say. Not so with my mother. I could go to my room to avoid her, she'd follow me there. Even dragged me out of bed one night I can remember. I was sleeping in my room, had the door closed and she barged in and started with me
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I had to listen to her bull for fifteen minutes while I was trying to find my car keys. Then she physically blocked me from leaving and I kept trying to push past her and finally had to push her to get her out of my way and then I left. I feel horrible for pushing her. I feel horrible to say that I pushed my mother.
She also mentioned last week, some mumbo-jumbo about getting fictitious license plates for her car under my name but she couldn't have possibly been serious about that one...
but I have been hearing it my whole life from my Grandmother, mother, and my aunt who only has sons. I'm not a 10, but I have always been the "pretty one" in my family. 
find your strength from within (or God if you are a believer) and your friends. These N people are very very toxic and can take you from being a self confident pretty much ok person, down to a crying sniveling person with no self esteem. Again, I know. Keep your guard up! Put yourself first, and find some friends to stand with you.
