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I often get accused of being anti social or keeping myself to myself - I enjoy chatting to someone if there is a purpose to the conversation, I enjoy doing a sport with other people, or a party, a wedding - having passing conversations etc with people at work - but not sitting down for lunch everyday making small talk when I could be surfing the net or reading an interesting book.
I Find that after an hour or so with a person - I pretty much know what there all about, their attitudes, personality, what type of things there going to say - They become predictable/boring to me, and any further conversation is unnecessary unless I am interested in talking further - I feel like I can read them like a book quite quickly.
To be honest I find too much close contact with other people annoying - as soon you get too close to them at some level there trying impose themselves on you, use you, intrude on you, manipulate you, control you - get information on you, find a weakness or just generally annoy you and take out their frustrations on you. They will start of friendly and then push and push to see what they can get away with.
I find that many people who have lots of friends, people at work they socialise with, are in fact surrounded by frenemies but they remain friends for the social contacts etc - and they are just mutually using each other.
Its not that I don't like other people, I just like to keep it at a distance and enjoy my own space. I am polite and friendly as possible.
I realize this is limiting me, and my potential - therefore I need to make friends with people I genuinely interested in, like and not just tolerate.
I take exception to some of your attitudes in the second two paragraphs but, in general, I think you're not alone in feeling that way and in acting as you do. It sounds to me that you're an introverted and independent person - nothing wrong with that. Many people are happier with a more limited social life - and more personal time. For introverts, in particular, it can be draining to spend too much time with others - they need quiet time to recharge and stay in balance.
You haven't mentioned any problems you're having because of this - or that you wish you could be different - so I say stick with what you know and be yourself. If you feel it's limiting you in your professional life then you could take some steps to remedy that - but it really might not be holding you back at all.
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Originally Posted by mikeyking
I find that many people who have lots of friends, people at work they socialise with, are in fact surrounded by frenemies but they remain friends for the social contacts etc - and they are just mutually using each other.
I think you're right on target about frenemies - especially in the workplace. Of course people have 'real friends' too but frenemies can abound. Part of that, though, is adjusting to different levels of friendship - coworkers, networking opportunities, acquaintences vs tried and true friends.
I'm not really social either, I find social things to be rather pointless, I've never been interested in talking to random people, never been interested in gossiping, don't care what my co workers are doing. I'm someone that just would rather be around her husband and family and outside of that I'm not into that all that mess, seems boring. I find a lot of people to be mean, annoying, gossipy, and so on and so on. I on the other hand like you would rather be online, read or game or just go do something with my husband. I love to go places with my hubby and spend time with him it's not like I stay in the house. I'm just not a big socializer.
I'm not really social either, I find social things to be rather pointless, I've never been interested in talking to random people, never been interested in gossiping, don't care what my co workers are doing. I'm someone that just would rather be around her husband and family and outside of that I'm not into that all that mess, seems boring. I find a lot of people to be mean, annoying, gossipy, and so on and so on. I on the other hand like you would rather be online, read or game or just go do something with my husband. I love to go places with my hubby and spend time with him it's not like I stay in the house. I'm just not a big socializer.
My problem is the more people you get to know the more stress you have to deal with -
I think there are large amounts immaturity out there in grown adults even in their 30s and 40s - there very common in office corporate jobs, and never really grow out of their sort college/university mindset. This is what our generation is like.
You can't really have an open honest conversation with them, there usually presenting a friendly face to you but angling for info to stab you in the back, or full of subtle digs etc and generallly disrespectful even to their own friends.
Many of their so called "friendships" are just drinking beer, or just pretty empty affairs.
I think my goal is to meet people you can be yourself with and escape so many of these false friends which are everywhere.
To be honest I find too much close contact with other people annoying - as soon you get too close to them at some level there trying impose themselves on you, use you, intrude on you, manipulate you, control you - get information on you, find a weakness or just generally annoy you and take out their frustrations on you. They will start of friendly and then push and push to see what they can get away with.
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I agree with you OP except for the above quoted part. I get easily bored, annoyed with "blue sky talk". If I'm going to sit with someone for an hour I want it to have substance, maybe I want to get too close too quick. I have had some friendships that have gone a course and as the course moves I become less and less enthusiastic about seeing them again, like, "there is nothing there". If I don't let them know who I am, I won't
know who they are. OTOH, if I show myself honestly, I expect it to be reciprocated and sometimes it's not and that is when I usually make the decision too pursue the friendship or not.
Yes. I find as I get older I have little patience for people. I partially blame it on my job. I work with the public. That will make you dislike humanity quickly.
Yes. I find as I get older I have little patience for people. I partially blame it on my job. I work with the public. That will make you dislike humanity quickly.
The other thing is people are so judgemental, have an OP on anything your looked as being weird, show any emotions or passions and they can't handle that, or even crack or joke or be funny and that is seen as being silly, have beliefs on anything that is weird - as long as you talk about banal, safe easy subjects there fine with that - keep the conversations as dull as possible.
To be honest I find many people are so two faced and fake, there is little point talking to them - I just play them at their own game and bore them to death with banal boring conversations, or say very little to them - beat them at their own game.
They will sit and have a conversation, and offer little or nothing to the conversation - if they do its very dull, technical or conservative, and they are very careful what they say giving very little opinions - they will talk but won't really offer too much to the conversation- but they want you to open up and talk freely and openly giving opinions.
Then you find the same people will behind your back accuse you of talking crap or BS - when you were just openly talking and being friendly - no agenda, no attempt BS them, just being friendly and talking about subjects you were interested in, and perhaps you were not technically correct on every you said.
Or another frequent tactic - for example a "friend" frequently talks endlessly about conspiracy theories and all sorts of other pseudo scientific nonsense read off internet - Personally i think most of its nonsense, but I listen ask questions, discuss and engage, debate, listen with an open mind - and am expected to listen to it for hours and nod and agree.
As soon as I begin talking about a subject which is slightly weird or off the wall - I am accused of talking BS, or indeed any topic - when this guy talks nonsense on a daily basis, but expects you to listen. Or indeed talk about any subject, your asked cutting questions to doubt the validity of what your saying.
Or another tactic - Someone who expects you to listen to micro levels of details about subject their interested, and there into everyday - but as soon as you trying talking about a subject they know nothing about they will say they don't know what your talking about, and try to cut the subject off and talk about what they are interested in.
I'm a bit of a loner. Socially awkward growing up, lived in a fairly remote area for Jersey, only child ... Let's just say, if you stranded me on an island with a bunch of dogs and a stack of books, I'd be happy as a clam for a few months. But I love being around people too, and I've built a lot of lasting friendships.
If I find a person's conversation boring, I ask them more questions about themselves or I raise a new conversation topic. If I don't LIKE them, I am polite for a brief exchange and then move on to talk to someone else or do something else.
Develop some social skills instead of letting other people control your interactions, which is what it sounds like you're doing. Have some stock phrases for dealing with difficult people. Develop tactics for avoiding or disengaging from these interactions in firm, but polite ways. Carry a book with you - people seldom bother readers.
I think part of your problem, OP, is your passivity. There's nothing forcing you to engage in these pointless interactions. I communicate with whom I choose to communicate with. And if I they can't be deflected or avoided, I whip out my book to read.
I'm just the opposite. I only enjoy a small amount of solitude. Yeah you have to weed through a lot of well, lets just say put your boots on. Finding really genuine nice people can be difficult but when you do it's really nice. Sometimes it's a lot of work but my true friends have made my life infinitely richer and I've met a lot of them through work.
I enjoy people and socializing, but I don't enjoy BS or small talk at all. I can go along with it for a while, but it gets exhausting and I get to the point where I want to ask people if they really believe half the crap that comes out of their mouths.
Given the choice between hanging out with people and having to make small talk all night, or skipping it, I'll usually take the latter. I have a few friends who have actual things to talk about and are enjoyable to be around.
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