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The dynamic I find interesting here....is that the wife wanted to give them the money. They are her parents. The husband never wanted to give them money. And the result? No money goes to her parents.
Yet another reason I am NOT married. I work. I have my own money and savings. I don't have to ask a man for $2000. If my Mom wants or needs money, I don't ask permission from anyone. If I want to give it to her, I do.
In my experience, marriage and compromise and agreement are not necessarily mutually exclusive. My wife and I have seven adult children between us. Four of them are doing extremely well and lead stable and responsible lives. Unfortunately, that is not the case with my wife's two daughters and my oldest daughter. Over the years we have, from time-to-time, helped them financially and by letting some of them or their children stay with us for some relatively long periods of time. Ultimately, none of those interventions changed their behaviors and as a result, they are no longer available to them.
At no time, regardless of whose child or children it was, has this caused a problem between my wife and me. We communicate with one another extremely well and make reasoned, mutual decisions in all cases. Sometimes there is give-and-take, other times we are in total agreement and periodically one of us prevails, but always without rancor or resentment. It really can be done.
In my experience, marriage and compromise and agreement are not necessarily mutually exclusive. My wife and I have seven adult children between us. Four of them are doing extremely well and lead stable and responsible lives. Unfortunately, that is not the case with my wife's two daughters and my oldest daughter. Over the years we have, from time-to-time, helped them financially and by letting some of them or their children stay with us for some relatively long periods of time. Ultimately, none of those interventions changed their behaviors and as a result, they are no longer available to them.
At no time, regardless of whose child or children it was, has this caused a problem between my wife and me. We communicate with one another extremely well and make reasoned, mutual decisions in all cases. Sometimes there is give-and-take, other times we are in total agreement and periodically one of us prevails, but always without rancor or resentment. It really can be done.
TRUE DAT!
My husband and I have five adult children in our blended family - ages 19-29. That's right - we consider the 19 year old an adult who is responsible for his own actions. We laid out our expectations and parameters and decided where to compromise prior to getting married (and have honored those discussions and agreements since). Some offspring are doing better than others, and we've had to step in and help - or step in and NOT help - as each of them has made that transition from childhood to adulthood.
We've also had to handle the issue of having four elderly parents who increasingly need our help. We also discussed this in length before we got married and laid out our expectations and values before being hit with the various emergencies and issues that this situation invariably brings into our lives.
One thing we determined early on is that we would not subsidize irresponsible behavior. Of COURSE there have been, and will be, situations that we can help by interjecting some money or support or both. But financial crises caused by irresponsibility and/or reckless behavior are treated much differently than true emergencies caused by external factors (layoffs, illness or injury, unexpected large expenses, etc.)
Actually as I type this, I realize that neither our parents nor our adult kids have asked us to give them any money for anything for many years. Now we HAVE given them assistance, but it's been instigated by us, not them.
It's just a part of our family values for us to be independent and self sufficient to the best of our ability. We've all gone through some rough spots - and learned through them and come out stronger on the other end.
Bit of perspective, my fiance's mother called us up a few days as they just shut off her electricity and she asked that we give her $400 bucks to turn it back on. This is the 3rd time she has asked us for large sums of money in a household that has three working adults vs our one (me) so we flat out refused.
Anyway yesterday (day 2 of being in the dark) we go onto facebook and low and behold this individual and the other adults in the household are bragging about going to a fairly expensive eatery and posting pics of the event. I'm not sure whether that $400 dollars would have been smoked, dranked or put into someones gas tank for the next week of their debauchery but i'm glad I had no part in it.
OP i'd say just don't do it. They won't ever learn. They have to hit their own "bottom" before they will come back to their senses.
Wooh, That is your SIL? Gees...Hopefully you guys steer clear...Cause we had a guy that the trustees nailed for not reporting a car, he supposedly sold...They called the "friend" he supposedly sold it to...Federal case you know...The "friend" told the truth. We had to withdraw from his case, cause he had misrepresented his property to our law firm, we had filed his bankruptcy....Steer clear. Hope you and your wife don't get any back draft from all this drama...
I am glad you did the right thing. It will actually help your sick relatives. When people hit rock bottom they have more motivation to change. I am glad you did not enable them to continue their bad behavior.
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