People Who Move Away From Families and Never Want to Go Back (member, holidays)
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I moved away from home in 2008. I have since met others who have moved far away from their families as well. They might see them 1-2 times a year tops. I have been considering moving back home for some time. Partly it is for financial reasons, but also because I would like to spend more time with my family than I already do (once or twice a year). I miss out on almost all of the special occasions anymore. Additionally, I have relatives that are getting up there in age and I'd like to spend more time with them before they depart.
Anyway, some people I have talked to are almost adamantly opposed to going back home. It's as if they can't stand their families. I feel torn, because though I have found myself in the past frustrated with things my family does, I don't dislike their company to the point that I can't ever see myself moving back to be close to them. I guess I don't really understand this mentality. I can certainly understand if there was some form of abuse growing up. But under normal circumstances, I don't understand how you could be so opposed to living closer to your family.
What do you think? Do you prefer to be close to your family? What are some reasons for not wanting to live close to them?
I have been away from my family for a long time due to abuse (mental, physical, sexual). In my case, I was the scapegoat. If anyone believed my story, it meant really bad things for my parents, so they did their best to discredit me to anyone who would listen. I truthfully wouldn't even know the whole story if it weren't for the fact that my mother is dying and I am back in touch with family members, some of whom I have not seen for 20 years (and I am only in my 30s). I left to "lose the battle but win the war." My parents could control public opinion in that small circle. But I could control my destiny elswhere.
I have always gravitated to others who understood leaving family behind. Sometimes its just a difference of lifestyle or political/religious opinion that makes interaction very uncomfortable. Often its very inisidious abuse-- denigrating talk, the effort to push someone into a role that they don't fit in and make them feel unloved when they are unsuccessful, the vicarious need for a parent to live through their child, etc. But sometimes families just don't have much in common with one another.
The important thing to understand is this: try not to judge. Its very isolating to be the only one in the office who doesn't go home for the holidays and never has anywhere to eat Thanksgiving dinner. There are lots of stories and darn good reasons behind the "why". Given the choice, we would all want a family who at leeast loved us and tolerated us in a positive way. No one chooses to leave without their reasons.
I spent 34 years living in my hometown in Jersey. It was a great place to grow up and a great place to find myself as an adult. From the time I returned from college, I was one of the hubs of my family - the other being my grandmother. I'm the family oddball, but I'm also the only one everyone could get along with. If there was a crisis, I was the one of the first people who got called. Then a huge and highly dysfunctional rift opened up as my grandmother was dying (and when I had already decided to move away). I could have stayed, papered over the rift, and become the new matriarch of the family for all intents and purposes. Instead, I chose to cut off the relationships with some (dysfunctional) family members and move elsewhere. It's been 2 years and I haven't been home in a whole year. The longest I have ever been away. I don't regret it one bit, even if it means I've missed some milestones with the younger family members.
I was (and am) very loved by the family I still communicate with, and I love them dearly. But I'm experiencing true freedom for the first time in my life and it is glorious. I was suffocated where I lived - everyone knew my business and I rarely had a moment to myself between friends and family. I will never return to Jersey to live, unless I know I'm near the end of my life.
I don't know about your family and your relationship with them. For me, moving closer to family, after being away from them for 15 yrs, was one of the worst things I could have ever done. Like you, I worried about missing birthdays and holidays with my family, instead of the once a year visits I was used to. After the first year, it was downhill from there. I could never recommend moving closer to your family unless it was to help a sick parent or child. Otherwise, keep the life you have built and see your family the once or twice a year as usual. Good luck.
There is no universal answer. Do what your heart tells you, without looking at other people. 5 years away is still a short time. Make it 15 years, and it could be a seriously insurmountable barrier. People change and get older, in ways that can be shocking for someone not witnessing that. If something goes wrong, you could always move away again.
I moved away from family for a few years. I missed them a lot. I have since moved back. Everytime I see my elderly mom, she tells me how good it is to have me back. There are a lot of things that I haven't missed (holidays, etc.), but when someone needed me, I dropped everything and came back to help. Although I missed some things, it was good for me to get away for a while. I learned a lot.
There is no universal answer. Do what your heart tells you, without looking at other people. 5 years away is still a short time. Make it 15 years, and it could be a seriously insurmountable barrier. People change and get older, in ways that can be shocking for someone not witnessing that. If something goes wrong, you could always move away again.
This is true. I am moving home mainly for financial reasons, and once I reach my financial goals, I do plan on moving again. Whether that's out of state or in state is yet to be determined. Another thing that makes this easier for me is not really having a strong network in the place I currently live.
With the exception of childhood abuse cases, I guess I'm just surprised at how opposed to living closer to family a lot of people tend to be. I feel like maybe there's something wrong with me wanting to go back.
I moved away from home in 2008. I have since met others who have moved far away from their families as well. They might see them 1-2 times a year tops. I have been considering moving back home for some time. Partly it is for financial reasons, but also because I would like to spend more time with my family than I already do (once or twice a year). I miss out on almost all of the special occasions anymore. Additionally, I have relatives that are getting up there in age and I'd like to spend more time with them before they depart.
Anyway, some people I have talked to are almost adamantly opposed to going back home. It's as if they can't stand their families. I feel torn, because though I have found myself in the past frustrated with things my family does, I don't dislike their company to the point that I can't ever see myself moving back to be close to them. I guess I don't really understand this mentality. I can certainly understand if there was some form of abuse growing up. But under normal circumstances, I don't understand how you could be so opposed to living closer to your family.
What do you think? Do you prefer to be close to your family? What are some reasons for not wanting to live close to them?
Don't do what others who are not in your situation think you should do. There are some families that are better off being apart. Others do just fine. I am extremely loyal to my chosen family (because I CAN choose my family). I am also a big supporter of staying away from anyone who is toxic to you, family included.
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
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Mom moved away from her family in Texas because staying would have clinched a dead-end existence. She stayed in Virginia after retiring from the Air Force and never moved back because she had me to think about and needed to be somewhere where was opportunities for me. With some of the family drama, I think for me, not living close to family is the best thing I can do, especially at this stage of life where I'm trying to get out the blocks.
I moved to Europe after my first year of college and didn't say a word to the majority of my family members. I can't stand them. It's pathetic that I have anything in common with those people.
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