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I'm not sure if I should be worried about this or not, so I thought I'd post my experience here and see what others think... should I just ignore this type of behavior or should I be concerned?
Last term in school there was another student who began to go out of her way to sit near or by me in every class we shared together. She was friendly, nice, not-threatening (didn't give me any odd vibes at the time) so I didn't think anything about it.
This term she's also in several of my classes, and she also sits by or near me... but now she's doing things that are kind of giving me cause for concern (or should I be concerned? I dunno...).
First she started buying the exact same school supplies I had - even down to the color of the notebooks and mechanical pencils. (I'm not kidding.) It sort of happened gradually, and then a few weeks ago I realized... dude... she even has the same backpack now. She had completely different stuff before, and now even her composition notebook is the exact same design.
She started wearing her hair down, telling me one day that mine was so pretty down that she was going to start wearing hers down, too. (Before, she always had it up in one of those messy buns that I wish I could get my hair to do, but I digress...)
She stopped wearing makeup. I never wear makeup and she had mentioned last term how she was too insecure to go without makeup. She wore really heavy makeup, even to the point of drawing in her eyebrows and wearing fake eyelashes. Now she's make-up free, like me. On the one hand I think this could be cool - have I inspired another woman to be more real and authentic and stop putting harmful expensive crap on their face? Yay - go me, right? But on the other hand, in amongst all the other things, it's just one more copy-cat sort of behavior that has me wondering if this is odd.
She stopped wearing ugg boots and jeggings and hoodies and stuff (stuff that most of the women wear to our classes) and she's wearing clothes more like I have always worn to classes (sort of office casual type clothing).
Also, once she learned that I prefer tea over coffee... she stopped bringing her Starbuck's coffee in with her every morning (last term she claimed she couldn't live without her Starbuck's) and now brings a thermos of hot tea - just like I have always done. And though her thermos is not exactly like mine, it is the same brand and color. (I got mine years ago, so they don't make that design anymore.)
Last term I mentioned during a class discussion that we were thinking about adopting a dog. The other day, she came up to me and told me she had adopted two dogs. She is supposedly unemployed and sleeping on a friends couch, so I wasn't sure what to make of this. The way she told me, it was like she was waiting for my approval, but it just seemed unrealistic and strange. We are a financially comfortable family and we aren't even sure we want the financial responsibility of a dog. I didn't know what to say to her, because in my head my response was something like, "How are you going to afford two dogs?" (I didn't say that. I was just thinking it. I felt bad for the dogs.)
And today, I noticed she is wearing a ring on her ring-finger that - I kid you not - is almost exactly like my wedding ring. It's like a cheap copy - my wedding ring is a very simple twisted braid of white gold. Her ring was probably silver but same simple twisted braid design, and on her wedding ring finger (she's not married). OH - and this reminds me - before she used to get those horrible long fake squared-off nails put on, but now she has natural nails like me. Short, clean, no polish. Last term, she was always talking about her nails with some other girls in class - I guess they all went to the same nail lady or whatever. Anyway - it's a stark contrast to what it was before.
I keep thinking of the movie Single White Female - it's getting creepy.
Thoughts?
Last edited by haggardhouseelf; 03-28-2013 at 03:27 PM..
Tell her that you feel uncomfortable being her role model, and you wish she would exercise a little more self-determination in her fashion and habits. She is probably very insecure, has low self esteem, and needs an ally who will encourage to try things on her own.
Then make suggestions about how to wear her hair in ways that would suit her, or what fashions would look good on her. Get a Berliotz phrase book and start speaking Bulgarian around her, see if she picks that up.
Tell her that you feel uncomfortable being her role model, and you wish she would exercise a little more self-determination in her fashion and habits. She is probably very insecure, has low self esteem, and needs an ally who will encourage to try things on her own.
Make suggestions about how to wear her hair, or what fashions would look good on her.
^^^^Great post and solution. You should try it first!
I'm just twisted enough I'd have some fun with it. For instance, tell her you're pregnant and see if she runs out and gets herself knocked up?
Kidding aside, it's probably too late in the semester now to switch classes so you can avoid her. So, is there anything about her that isn't a copycat of you that you can compliment her on? For instance, when she changed her hair, did you let her know you thought her bun was neat, and you'd never picked up the knack of putting yours up like that?
Also, soon you'll be registering for next year's classes, and since you're in several classes together I'll assume you're both in the same major. Make up a bogus "list of what you plan to take", let her see it since she'll probably register for them as well, then register for different sections next year so you don't share courses or even instructors, if possible.
Unfortunately a "real deal" situation. She doesn't seem to have low self esteem. She's very friendly and participates in class discussions and isn't a "wall flower" or shy or anything like that. There are quite a few people in our classes that you can tell have very low self esteem or they think they are stupid or whatever. She doesn't come off like that. I dunno... The only other time in my life that I've experienced anything similar was when my younger sisters would copy everything I did - but you expect that with younger sisters...
...when she changed her hair, did you let her know you thought her bun was neat, and you'd never picked up the knack of putting yours up like that?
Also, soon you'll be registering for next year's classes, and since you're in several classes together I'll assume you're both in the same major. Make up a bogus "list of what you plan to take", let her see it since she'll probably register for them as well, then register for different sections next year so you don't share courses or even instructors, if possible.
I used to want to ask her how she got her hair to do that, but I'm sort of afraid to now. I find myself being very careful what I say to her, I don't know how it will be (mis)interpreted or copied or construed... I'm afraid if I ask her how she did her hair, she might assume I want to be BFF's or something and I don't want to lead her on.
I am actually switching major's not next term but the term after, so I just have to get through this and the next one. Until then - do you think it would be hurtful or rude if I tried to sort of distance myself from her? I don't want to hurt her feelings, but she is making me nervous.
As far as being popular - I don't think of myself as popular. I get along with everyone but I don't hang out with anyone really - if that makes sense. I have a family, kids... I go to school, try to do my best, then go home and take care of my family. That's pretty much it. I don't know why anyone would want to copy me - I'm way boring! lol
I don't want to hurt her feelings, but she is making me nervous.
As long as she limits her latching-on/copying to when you see her in class, I would simply remain polite to her, but no more so than to anyone else. I also wouldn't give any more details about my personal life.
If she escalates - wants to do stuff outside of class, follows you around campus or to your home or where you work, etc - then you have to re-evaluate.
If this is all true, this girl could have a platonic (or sexual) crush on you, with some obsession thrown in. People fall into same sex and opposite sex crushes all the time, and go through short term obsessions all the time, without it ending up in violence like in Single White Female or Basic Instinct. In SWF, the obsessed woman wanted to become the target woman and replace her. In Basic Instinct, the obsessed woman had a sexual/love obsession with the target woman and though she copied her, she also wanted to possess her. But again, both of these Hollywood stories are about violent stalkers, not the typical "obsessed" person, or person in the midst of a crush.
It can be really creepy. Most likely, her own self worth was pretty low, maybe after some trauma like a breakup or a personal failure, and she started off admiring you, and seeing you as how she'd like to be. She probably projected lots of other stuff on you that isn't even based on reality, but she might assume that you have an ideal life, you're perfectly happy, and that everyone admires you the way she does. And she wants to be in that position herself, so figures why not make herself into a clone of you?
I wouldn't freak out. I wouldn't be mean to her. I wouldn't get close to her either. Sure, chat a little in class in a polite way. But don't get together outside of class, don't confide secrets in her, don't invite her to your home or introduce her to people in your life. Most likely if you gently disengage, she'll eventually burn out and she'll either latch onto someone else, or figure out how to be her own person on her own.
Men more often have sexualized obsessions/crushes and they are often characterized by pursuit (either in a benign way or a stalking way). But women/girls do this thing called "twinship," making themselves into the "twin" of the person they are focused on. As little girls, we often copy big sisters or older girls we admire. When we have crushes on guys in adolescence, we're more likely to adopt his hobbies, favorite music, likes/dislikes. We might not dress like the guy or style our hair like him, but a lot of us have "copied" from the person we have a crush on. (I have a very large Led Zeppelin collection to attest to that. My later theory was that no girls really love Zeppelin, we just loved guys who loved Zeppelin ). I remember in 3rd grade trying to adopt a habit of cracking my knuckles because I was in love with a boy who cracked his knuckles in class. I also admired an older girl in grade school and I remember begging my mom for the same jeans this girl had. In adulthood, if it happens, it's most likely a temporary stage the woman is going through after she's had some blow to her sense of self. She's shopping for a new identity and is trying you on for size.
If she is generally a mentally healthy person, she'll get past this, as it's just a temporary coping mechanism. If she's more mentally fragile, she'll more likely go through a whole series of these obsessions for years.
I would only get worried if she starts showing up at your home, accidently bumping into your husband where he works, or getting furious at you for small perceived slights.
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I don't know why anyone would want to copy me - I'm way boring! lol
