What do you think of situations like this? (wife, father, husband)
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No, I don't think anyone should take in a child that they're not prepared to devote themselves to fully, but... isn't it part of being an adult that you just accept that life doesn't always go according to plan? Isn't the point of family (or strong friendship) that you step in when there is a need? At what point do you acknowledge that life isn't all about you and your personal desires?
I'm childless with no plans to be a parent perhaps ever. But if one of my relatives was dying and I was in a position to take care of their child, I'd step in and do it whole-heartedly - and I'd probably be pretty good at it. It's just what you do, in my opinion, if you have had a familial relationship. If you're not willing to do something difficult for a relative, then you're just a bunch of people who have dinner together on holidays, ya know? If you have the financial resources and the time, you don't really have an excuse, in my opinion.
If a friend of mine told me that they'd decline to take in an orphaned relative because it was too inconvenient (as in, would interfere with their travel), I'd think that was their right but I'd probably also distance myself from them after that. They wouldn't be the kind of person I'd want in my life.
I dunno. My perspective could be skewed on this - I had some young relatives when I was a child who were possibly going to be taken by the state. My parents were standing by to provide care for them from day 1. My father didn't even want more kids, and he's not even that great of a person, but he threw himself headlong into getting to know them and was completely prepared to treat them as his own children.
Of course it's a person's right not to want to take care of a child who isn't theirs, but I kind of feel like it's an indicator of their moral character if they have the resources but don't step up in situations where a dying family member or close friend is leaving behind a child.
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The husband/father sounds pretty pathetic for not wanting to take on the responsibility of parenting his own child. It shows he probably wouldn't make a good dad anyway. I agree with 'Abby' that raising a child is a HUGE responsibility and one that should not be taken on lightly. It doesn't say whether 'Whitney' is a cousin (probably not a sister), if that makes a difference, but I don't think that the letter writer should be pressured or made to feel guilty because she does not want to adopt the child. Of course, it would definitely be nice to think she would do something like that, but in the real world, things are different. Remember, it's also not her child, you're basically asking her to invest her life in another child that's not hers. Of course if she did want to do it, that's great, but I don't believe in making her feel bad for doing it, nor does it necessarily make her a bad or a selfish person. I mean it's not like Whitney has no other options. There are set procedures for these situations.
The woman in question in the Dear Abby scenario is in her mid 40's, works full time and is already stating that she feels overwhelmed with her own three year old child. Unfortunately, most of parenting, household tasks falls to the woman even when she is working full time.
It is no easy task having small children going into your 50's or teenagers in your late 50's & early 60's. This woman knows herself well. In her case it would be a disaster for her to take on another child. Children impact every area of your life. An additional child could ruin her marriage. IMO She should not be made to feel guilty, etc. because she knows her limits.
These type of cases have no right or wrong. It all depends on the circumstances and the people involved.
There are just too many variables. It's also important that any children go to a placement where they feel wanted and not to a home where they have to feel resentment, made to feel they are a burden, made to feel less accepted than a natural child or made to feel they are there only out of a sense of duty and not love.
OP I agree with you. Children are innocents and my heart breaks for any motherless child - last night I got home from groceries and my 10 year old was whining and whatever. I had him put on pjs and lay with me while I just cuddled him - 10 minutes later he declared he was feeling much better (not down) and was off to bed. Every kid deserves that.
Both men in this situation sound like turds. First, the girl's father, for obvious reasons.
But also the writer's husband. She's in her mid-40s, she works full-time, and she says she already feels overwhelmed. And here her husband is, wanting her to take on another kid, one who isn't even a toddler yet. I wonder how many women read that and thought, "Yeah, sure, pal. You're not the one doing most of the work!" I mean, let's be real here, she probably does. He also sounds pretty clueless if he wants more children out of someone in her mid-40s. In her shoes, I would get my tubes tied.
I don't see how adding a one year old to a household that already has a three year old will prevent the mother from traveling or doing things that she may have planned, but that's beside the point. If she really doesn't want to step up and parent this child, she shouldn't be pressured into it. I wonder what would happen if she found herself unexpectedly pregnant? She says hubby wants more children and she does not, so that's an issue for them.
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
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This makes me glad I am a only child and distant from my extended family.
I think the wife is totally in the right here. If she feels adding another kid to her home is more than she can bare then she should not take another on even in this situation. My only critique is that her and her husband should have been on the same page of how many kids to have before they got married.
Personally, I think no one in a similar situation should be judged for not taking in a child even in this situation. Parenting is something you should be all in or all out for emotionally. We have enough kids in homes where they are not wanted. The best thing for the kid is to find another willing relative or even foster care.
I'm a single male. If I were in a similar situation (chances of this happening would be totally remote) I would not take the child in. Not just because I like my money and my own free time, I am just not in any position emotionally, maturity-wise, or financially to care for a child point blank. Even if I did have the resources, it would not be right for the child because I do not want to deal with children.
This makes me glad I am a only child and distant from my extended family.
I think the wife is totally in the right here. If she feels adding another kid to her home is more than she can bare then she should not take another on even in this situation. My only critique is that her and her husband should have been on the same page of how many kids to have before they got married.
She said she's in her mid-40s, so she got pregnant in her early 40s. I wonder if it was an accident.
No, I don't think anyone should take in a child that they're not prepared to devote themselves to fully, but... isn't it part of being an adult that you just accept that life doesn't always go according to plan? Isn't the point of family (or strong friendship) that you step in when there is a need? At what point do you acknowledge that life isn't all about you and your personal desires?
I'm childless with no plans to be a parent perhaps ever. But if one of my relatives was dying and I was in a position to take care of their child, I'd step in and do it whole-heartedly - and I'd probably be pretty good at it. It's just what you do, in my opinion, if you have had a familial relationship. If you're not willing to do something difficult for a relative, then you're just a bunch of people who have dinner together on holidays, ya know? If you have the financial resources and the time, you don't really have an excuse, in my opinion.
If a friend of mine told me that they'd decline to take in an orphaned relative because it was tooinconvenient (as in, would interfere with their travel), I'd think that was their right but I'd probably also distance myself from them after that. They wouldn't be the kind of person I'd want in my life.
I dunno. My perspective could be skewed on this - I had some young relatives when I was a child who were possibly going to be taken by the state. My parents were standing by to provide care for them from day 1. My father didn't even want more kids, and he's not even that great of a person, but he threw himself headlong into getting to know them and was completely prepared to treat them as his own children.
Of course it's a person's right not to want to take care of a child who isn't theirs, but I kind of feel like it's an indicator of their moral character if they have the resources but don't step up in situations where a dying family member or close friend is leaving behind a child.
Thoughts?
Note: The child in question is NOT AN ORPHAN! The biological father just doesn't want to care for his own child.
Why should someone else "take" the child from their only living parent. Now, it would be different if both parents were dead but they are not. What a crappy father to just want to "throw away" his child. He needs to "step up" and be a Dad, not palm his child off on someone else who is "overwhelmed" with working full time and caring for her own child.
That was such a very sad dear Abby to read. I really feel horrible, so horrible for the poor lil girl and the dying mom. I am sure in her dying moments all she can think about is what is going to happen to my baby. So devastating.
The biological father is just well....trash. I know some city data people hate when someone calls others trash, but that is exactly what he is. He should keep his thing in his pants.
I am womdering if the relative is close to the dying mother?? if she is then she is purely selfish. I understand she doesn't want another child but I can't imagine anyone not having compassion for the one year old or mother. To me inexcusable esp since she can afford it monetarily.
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I mean, let's be real here, she probably does. He also sounds pretty clueless if he wants more children out of someone in her mid-40s. In her shoes, I would get my tubes tied.
