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My wife has a friend she’s known for about 10 years. I say it’s *her* friend (and they are close) because this person, for about 10 years, has been married to essentially a non-entity. Long story short, he’s got some form of aspergers and he is deeply addicted to weed (I hope this doesn’t derail this thread). In ten years, and especially the last 6 or so, he’s completely isolated and is never seen at any social events. It’s only friend and her kid, who are close to my wife and our kids. Enough about him although I could go on and on.
So about five years ago, friend (I’ll call her Emily), decides she’s had enough and starts to plan to leave him. All her friends rally around her and offer support. Fast forward to now…it suddenly became clear to my wife and Emily’s other friends that she never made any serious steps to leave him. Zero. Everything has been a lie. Also, turns out she’s hitting the pipe heavily too for years. (IMHO all of this should have been abundantly clear to everyone after about a year.) Having been taken advantage of, my wife, and most of Emily’s friends more or less abandon the friendship about a month ago. Frankly, I was happy to see it happen.
Fast forward to: she gets an apartment but never moves in, and then tells all her (“former”) friends she’s going to reconcile, and that her hubby has immediately and permanently changed.
My wife, wonderful forgiving person that she is (and I truly mean that and which I could be more like her sometimes) is struggling with whether to take Emily back as a friend.
I think it’s a bad idea. And here’s why. Flame away, I guess…
1. Emily is a liar. Dishonestly pervades her very being. This is a bad basis for a friendship, even if most of the dishonesty is about herself.
2. she’s an addict. Her chronic pot smoking has affected her life profoundly. There’s no denying it (wife agrees on this one). She drives stoned. Has the ambition of a clam. Etc. She constantly lies about quitting.
3. This one is a little weird. Given #1 and #2 above, *I* don’t like having Emily around. First off I kind of feel like a 3rd wheel in my own home. Given her husband’s isolation, time with Emily is always a freakin girls day/night of some sort and it feels oddly ‘too much’ especially since we’re all in our mid-40s…with plenty of healthy friends to choose from. THIS IS THE ONLY FRIEND I FEEL THIS WAY ABOUT. I hope that came through as I intended it to.
4. I see my wife change (personality, mood) when she’s around Emily. She puts up with things, and expresses herself in ways that are different than with all her other friends. That version of my wife isn’t as much fun
First and foremost I want to be respectful to my wife, while at the same time being honest.
Hundreds of hours of support and encouragement only to have Emily say "just kidding, I'm not leaving."
BTW, this support and encouragement rarely took the form of husband bashing. It was very positive. It was also followed up by supporting her job hunt, resume help, networking, etc.
2- ...But she is just as bad as he is, and stays with him because she feeds off of the unhealthy relationship. It takes two.
3- You have a right to want this friendship to end. By getting sucked into their dysfunction via friendship, you are putting your own emotional well-being at risk and possibly allowing their dysfunction fill some unhealthy need in you/your wife's own personalities.
4- Nothing good ever comes from this type of co dependancy and enabling.
This
1. Emily is a liar. Dishonestly pervades her very being.
I refuse to have any sort of relationship with liars.
A liar is an imaginary person, a fake person, a person who lives in a fantasy world. No conversation or interaction you ever have with them is real. Your friendship isn't even real - it is just a game to a liar.
Relationships with a liar is like having a relationship with a cartoon character. It's just ...fake...and a complete waste of time.
I refuse to have any sort of relationship with liars.
A liar is an imaginary person, a fake person, a person who lives in a fantasy world. No conversation or interaction you ever have with them is real. Your friendship isn't even real - it is just a game to a liar.
Relationships with a liar is like having a relationship with a cartoon character. It's just ...fake...and a complete waste of time.
Exactly!
The way I see it, my wife has spent five years being a good supportive friend to Emily who now basically says "just kidding" basically negating any of the support/encouragement my wife gave. In theory everything my wife said and did could be thrown back at her by Emily or interpreted as "negative" if Emily was so inclined. My bet is that Emily will do that at some point.
And, although this sounds a little petty, Emily has wasted a whole TON of my wife's time, thus wasting my family's time and with our lives being as busy and full as they are...I resent that and my wife does too although she probably wouldn't use the word 'resent.'
Basically Emily has eff-ed with my wife which means you're effing with me but I want to let my wife have her own process while also not being dishonest with her about my feelings.
Your wife is an adult. Just explain your feelings once and let her work on her own relationships. If you don't want her around you, that would be up to you to tell your wife. However, it is really not up to you to control who your wife befriends. Notice the word "control".
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