Going out to eat ettiquette part II (jealous, husbands, siblings)

[Kibbiekat]

Originally Posted by cedar_bluff_tree_farm

My parents don't go out to eat. We eat at home, always have, always will. The exception is when we're on vacation. Growing up, I probably went out to eat less than a dozen times excluding when we were on vacation.

When they visit us, my mother will often fix dinner for all of us. She'd rather do that than go out to eat. Her choice, not mine.



I think this is the bigger thing for me. I don't feel comfortable that our budgets get exceeded when we have visitors in town, nor do I have much comfort with my inlaws (or my parents0 dictating how much we'll spend of our money and where.

Last summer when the inlaws were here we were eating out every night for several nights in a row, and oftentimes at expensive restaurants. That was followed by aquarium and museum admission fees. They felt flush that trip, and we needed to be flush to in order to keep up. In other years, they've not have a lot of discretionary spending money, so they've wanted us to cook for them so they can spend less those trips and only wanted free entertainment - no admission fees.

I think I feel a little taken for a ride - when they have money, we're expected to spend, too. When they don't have a lot of discretionary spending, we should provide at home entertainment so they don't have to spend money. But none of this is ever told until the moment the inlaws arrive, so we never know what to expect. It's makes it a little challenging to buget and plan, and not feel like we're getting taken for a ride.

I think there needs to be a compromise. I mean, you only live once. Go out to eat! Going out to dinner once shouldn't break the bank. I do understand how expensive it can be to entertain out of town guests. I've been there. You need to draw a line somewhere. You have to eat, so go out. But if you don't have the money for museum admission, tell them to go and have fun, and you'll have dinner waiting when they get home.

[Georgianbelle]

Eat out with your in-laws. Life is short, and you need to enjoy it a little. I eat out all the time because I enjoy it. If I have company, I would rather go out so that I can visit with them instead of wasting my time in the kitchen.

[Timing2012]

The ettiquette would depends on which category you belong to:

1) You're very tight on budget; almost living from paycheck to paycheck. In this case, you suggest to eat in, but let them go out if they want.

2) You're doing fine financially, and you have enough money for 401K, some saving, and a nice in country vacation or two a year. Just spend the money and go out.

3) You're doing well financially, similiar to #2 abover or more, go out to eat and pay for their meal.

4) If you're between 1 and 2, go out once, and the rest of the nights, suggest refer to #1.

[Koale]

Since moving to Hawaii we have discovered friends we never knew existed. It got so expensive for us that we kinda went into hiding from them all. We realized that wasn't going to work so we decided just to be upfront and anyone wishing to visit that our home was open but we 'ate at home'. Everyone unstands that we only 'live' in paradise and are not 'vacationing' here.
Koale

[Timing2012]

Originally Posted by Koale

Since moving to Hawaii we have discovered friends we never knew existed. It got so expensive for us that we kinda went into hiding from them all. We realized that wasn't going to work so we decided just to be upfront and anyone wishing to visit that our home was open but we 'ate at home'. Everyone unstands that we only 'live' in paradise and are not 'vacationing' here.
Koale

It's different if it's just friends or friends you barely know though when compare it to the in-laws.

[germaine2626]

Originally Posted by Koale

Since moving to Hawaii we have discovered friends we never knew existed. It got so expensive for us that we kinda went into hiding from them all. We realized that wasn't going to work so we decided just to be upfront and anyone wishing to visit that our home was open but we 'ate at home'. Everyone un(der)stands that we only 'live' in paradise and are not 'vacationing' here.
Koale

Hey, we have the same experience living in Milwaukee!

Of course, I'm just kidding!

[Timing2012]

Originally Posted by germaine2626

Hey, we have the same experience living in Milwaukee!

Of course, I'm just kidding!

That's funny and sad at the same time.

[germaine2626]

Originally Posted by cedar_bluff_tree_farm

My parents don't go out to eat. We eat at home, always have, always will. The exception is when we're on vacation. Growing up, I probably went out to eat less than a dozen times excluding when we were on vacation.

When they visit us, my mother will often fix dinner for all of us. She'd rather do that than go out to eat. Her choice, not mine.



I think this is the bigger thing for me. I don't feel comfortable that our budgets get exceeded when we have visitors in town, nor do I have much comfort with my inlaws (or my parents0 dictating how much we'll spend of our money and where.

Last summer when the inlaws were here we were eating out every night for several nights in a row, and oftentimes at expensive restaurants. That was followed by aquarium and museum admission fees. They felt flush that trip, and we needed to be flush to in order to keep up. In other years, they've not have a lot of discretionary spending money, so they've wanted us to cook for them so they can spend less those trips and only wanted free entertainment - no admission fees.

I think I feel a little taken for a ride - when they have money, we're expected to spend, too. When they don't have a lot of discretionary spending, we should provide at home entertainment so they don't have to spend money. But none of this is ever told until the moment the inlaws arrive, so we never know what to expect. It's makes it a little challenging to buget and plan, and not feel like we're getting taken for a ride.

At the minimum your in-laws should let you know in advance how much money they have to spend (ie. expensive vacation or cheap vacation). When we have visited relatives a rough time table was always set up in advance. It really doesn't seem right that if your in-laws want to go to an attraction you have to go too and pay your own way. Are there children involved? Perhaps your in-laws can take them to the museum, etc and pay their way.

I disagree, in part, with the posters who are saying "just go out, spend the money, etc".

Let's say your friends/in-laws/parents show up for a week long vacation. This time they are feeling flush so they want you to go out to eat every night spending $100 a night (depending on the city an expensive meal for two parents and two kids may be $200+), plus admissions to two places & snacks while you are there so add another $100 a shot. Wow! I know that suddenly having to pay out $900 (or $1,500 or $500 or whatever) would put a huge crimp on our family budget! And, then the next year, they are broke so they show up expecting home cooked meals every day plus a week full of free entertainment. I can see how you would feel "taken for granted".

There should be a happy medium someplace, at the very, very minimum discussing in advance who is to pay for what expenses. If they want to go to an expensive restaurant they will treat your entire family or perhaps you can decide to go to less expensive places.

However, since they are your in-laws perhaps your spouse should discuss it with them.

When we visit our son & his wife we always pay the entire bill for every meal in restaurants (but that may change once they get better jobs and we have been retired for more years). When my in-laws were alive we took turns picking up the entire tab.

When we visit my husband's sister & her husband we always decide to "go Dutch" at restaurants. They like to eat huge steaks, lobsters, expensive appetizers, etc while my husband and I tend to eat lightly. They also like drinks with top shelf liquor or expensive wine and my husband and I are tea-totalers. We have been at restaurants where our total was $40 and their total was $250 for meals & drinks. Going Dutch keeps all of us happy.

Our system of arranging & discussing in advance works out for us. Try to work out a system that works well for your family.

Good luck.

[biscuitmom]

Originally Posted by cedar_bluff_tree_farm

I think I feel a little taken for a ride - when they have money, we're expected to spend, too. When they don't have a lot of discretionary spending, we should provide at home entertainment so they don't have to spend money. But none of this is ever told until the moment the inlaws arrive, so we never know what to expect. It's makes it a little challenging to buget and plan, and not feel like we're getting taken for a ride.

So they're damned if they want to go out to eat and damned if they don't want to go out to eat?

Do you and your wife (both, not just you) have a strong preference for one or the other? If so, have one of of you communicated this to your in-laws? Should be her, since it's her parents.
If neither you nor your wife have a strong preference, then one of you should **ask your in-laws**, as far in advance as you feel like you need notice, and go along with what they say. Actually, your initial post indicates they did give you advance notice. How much notice do you need, and why?

I really don't see your problem, don't understand what you mean by "being taken for a ride". Do they take you out to an expensive restaurant and then pretend they've forgotten their wallets?

If you and your wife prefer to eat out but in a less expensive restaurant, why not just TELL your in-laws this??

[shyguylh]

I can somewhat understand "it's just once, go with the flow" sentiment somewhat. At the same time, I don't see a problem with the OP NOT going out if he really doesn't feel comfortable money-wise. One shouldn't be compelled to have to "keep up" with others if financially they don't feel they can.

Further, this should definitely be between the 2 younger spouses and should NOT at all become the man vs his wife and her parents as one unit; if there is a disagreement, the wife should definitely not side with her parents over her husband. Rule #1, and I've had to enforce this against my own mother sometimes as a married man who has a wife my mother isn't always crazy about--once you're married, your spouse is #1, you always always ALWAYS support them over your parents, even if your spouse is WRONG (unless they, say, turn out to be cheating on you or committing sodomy etc). You do not EVER make your spouse feel like they're having to consult outsiders--and yes, in-laws are outsiders to the son/daughter-in-law somewhat--with decisions within the context of the marriage.

Just the same, I do understand the sentiment somewhat of "do it to make your wife happy" kind of thing, so long as it's about making the WIFE happy, not the wife & the parents as one unit vs the husband.

LRH