Worried my son is getting too serious too young (judgmental, mother, girlfriend)
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When a child is almost grown, you cannot control them. You can refuse to pay for school, etc., but that is all you can do.
That's my thinking too. Young adults have all the freedom but many of them are not financially independent. I am paying my son private college tuition now, but I will NOT let him graduated with debt free.
Maybe it is hard to differentiate between "control" and "protect". Learning from this forum even giving advices is controlling, and "control" is the worst thing I would ever want to do.
Yes, I dislike the girl's parents more than disliking the girl because I had more interactions with the parents than with their daughter. Her parents and I did not have any conflicts in the past. I just witnessed how they dealt with the situation when it didn't go with their way. They cost whatever expenses may occurs on OTHERS to reach the goal in favor to themselves. About the girl, I know one thing for sure. She is lazy and doesn't study. I felt she and her parents want to trap my son to be the girl's meal ticket. They all called and text my son non-stop when he was 4000 miles away in college. When my son came back home for Thanksgivings, the family had the guts to ask my son to dinner at Thanksgiving night. Even I give my son all the freedom and barely say NO to him, I had to put my foot down and tell my son a straight NO. The funny thing is, the parents know me. They never contact or call me since they started dating. Even my daughter commented that her parents doing so was to secure their daughter's relationship with my son.
Financially, I don't know too much details about that family. They live in a similar neighborhood level of ours. Single income, self-employeed, in the kind of business using his physical skills but not knowledge. The mom is either high school graduate or two-year college max. We are double income. Both my husband and I have master degrees. We have addressed firmly to our son since high school the importance of having a professional advanced degree. I understand the degree doesn't guarantee success. But I believe it will prepare and make you be ready when there is an opportunity coming.
About the possibility of sex, that never came to my mind until members mentioned to me. I don't know if that has happened or not. But I want to protect my son if the pregnancy may ever happens.
I understand I need to handle this whole thing Extra carefully. I am preparing myself now.
I read through the whole thread and this is what I walked away with - something is not going your way and that is not allowed to happen.
Now that winter break is almost over (if it is), how much time did your son spend at the GF's home?
Did he do things with her family such as visiting their relatives, her grandparents, etc. ?
Did he ask you to spend Christmas morning or Christmas dinner with GF's family?
Has your son made comments to you about their relationship or about girls that he met at college?
Maybe he is getting just as fed up with the constant calls and texting, as you seem to be?
If he didn't spend a lot of time with her, perhaps he is already starting to "separate himself" from the relationship. On the other hand, if he spent every day at her house, that tells you a few things as well.
Exactly. Manipulation works both ways. The OP is defining the framework which they feel a partner is acceptable for their child. I feel very sorry for their children. Their kids will never truly be free to choose their own partner in life. They will only receive acceptance from the OP if their partner meets a checklist of items which doesn't seem to include "their son or daughters happiness" anywhere on it.
I'm educated with a professional career, but my parents wouldn't have minded if I brought home a free spirit artist or a woman who wanted to be a stay at home mom, as long as I was happy. I am thankful they always gave me room to make my own decisions. As an adult, even at 18, nobody would be chastising me for not spending enough time with family members on winter break. If I chose to spend time with a girlfriend or friends, that was OK. Not sure why spending time with someone when you're being forced is considered an improvement.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Threestep
I read through the whole thread and this is what I walked away with - something is not going your way and that is not allowed to happen.
Exactly. Manipulation works both ways. The OP is defining the framework which they feel a partner is acceptable for their child. I feel very sorry for their children. Their kids will never truly be free to choose their own partner in life. They will only receive acceptance from the OP if their partner meets a checklist of items which doesn't seem to include "their son or daughters happiness" anywhere on it.
I'm educated with a professional career, but my parents wouldn't have minded if I brought home a free spirit artist or a woman who wanted to be a stay at home mom, as long as I was happy. I am thankful they always gave me room to make my own decisions. As an adult, even at 18, nobody would bechastising me for not spending enough time with family members on winter break. If I chose to spend time with a girlfriend or friends, that was OK. Not sure why spending time with someone when you're being forced is considered an improvement.
Hmmm, I assume that at 18 you were totally self supporting, paid for your own transportation home and stayed in a hotel and bought all of your meals at restaurants? If you met all of those criteria, then I'm sure that your family wanted to see you and be happy with whatever time that you could spare for them. Of course, would be free to spend as much time as you want with your friends. See your parents? Optional. See your siblings? Optional See your grandparents? Optional. Being totally self supporting you can plan your vacation 100% the way that you chose to plan it.
But, imagine, that you are a college student, where your parents are paying for your education, they paid for your flight home, you are staying in their house, making your meals, borrowing their car and probably doing your laundry. Isn't that a different situation?
Of course, parents shouldn't be chastising you for spending time with you friends but IMHO you do have some obligation to spend some time with your family. And wouldn't you want to spend some time with them?
Put yourselves in your parent's shoes, you invite a friend to stay with you for a week or two, send them a plane ticket, stock the frig/make their meals, loan them your car, etc. etc. and they get up in the morning and leave each morning and do not return until bedtime and never spend any time with you. Does that sound fair and reasonable to you? Frankly, it sounds pretty rude and inconsiderate of your friend.
Last edited by germaine2626; 12-31-2013 at 12:42 PM..
When a child is almost grown, you cannot control them. You can refuse to pay for school, etc., but that is all you can do.
I agree with this. But I don't feel that you can withdraw from the discussion when so much is at stake. Mom doesn't want to control her son. She want to make sure he finishes college and doesn't get tied down too early.
I reiterate: a pregnancy can trap the kid and influence the rest of his life. And it can impact the family's finances as well, if there aren't resources available to pay child support or finance other expenses related to the birth of a child. Then there is the possibility of a too , too early marriage by too, too young kids.
But sometimes, no matter what a parent does, the kid messes up. Then he or she learns, I suppose, a life lesson. But at such a cost.
I agree with this. But I don't feel that you can withdraw from the discussion when so much is at stake. Mom doesn't want to control her son. She want to make sure he finishes college and doesn't get tied down too early.
I reiterate: a pregnancy can trap the kid and influence the rest of his life. And it can impact the family's finances as well, if there aren't resources available to pay child support or finance other expenses related to the birth of a child. Then there is the possibility of a too , too early marriage by too, too young kids.
But sometimes, no matter what a parent does, the kid messes up. Then he or she learns, I suppose, a life lesson. But at such a cost.
Yes, but what can the mom do? You cannot stop a young man from dating the girl he chooses. If he messes up, it will be his fault and his choice. All that she can do is try to talk to him, and even then, she has to be careful. She can make him cling to the girl more by expressing her displeasure.
Yes, but what can the mom do? You cannot stop a young man from dating the girl he chooses. If he messes up, it will be his fault and his choice. All that she can do is try to talk to him, and even then, she has to be careful. She can make him cling to the girl more by expressing her displeasure.
Notice how naive this family is. Mom didn't even think about pregnancy. If son grew up in that environment, he needs a crash course in reality before he walks off a bridge.
There's a difference between controlling someone and cluing them in to reality.
But, imagine, that you are a college student, where your parents are paying for your education, they paid for your flight home, you are staying in their house, making your meals, borrowing their car and probably doing your laundry. Isn't that a different situation?
Of course, parents shouldn't be chastising you for spending time with you friends but IMHO you do have some obligation to spend some time with your family. And wouldn't you want to spend some time with them?
I see your point and I agree. I didn't mean to come across as spending zero time with family, but I have friends who literally spent every moment being carted around to every aunt, uncle, and grandparent when they returned home.
Maybe I am the only one, but some members of my family I love to spend time with because we both make an effort to relate to each other. Other family members only have the ability to discuss the Andy Griffith show, how terrible cell phones are, and how much better the "old days" were. I could skip a visit with them entirely.
I came here humbly and seek advices if I should tell my 18-year-old son keep his mind and eyes open, and how to address this issue without offending him. After those valuable discussion, I understand the thing should be viewed from many different angles. They served as big wake up calls to me and helped to think this issues more thoroughly. Maybe the best way to do now is to observe and leave it alone. This is my son's first girlfriend. There are a lot of things he needs to learn by himself. Those experiences cannot be taught in the classroom.
I know I started the thread title in very dramatic way. I was just upset after learning the girl's parents made my 18-year-old son promise not to see other girls at school 4000 miles away so they could stay together in the future. They did this selfishly. That did make me very frustrated. I understand this is my son's decision. I need advices if I should talk to my son or how. That's the whole purpose of this thread.
I have never forced him to stay at home spending how much with us or relatives during the break. When he said he is going out, I always said ok and drive carefully. This is not the point. I mentioned this to answer a member's question earlier.
I understand the opinions could be very different, especially they came from different generations of mine. I am not looking for answers which come in my way. I just need advices help me thinking and stay unbiased.
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