Mother barely acknowledges me

[dblackga]

Originally Posted by stava

I live in another state now and am completely self-sufficient, successful, etc, but still she takes no interest in my life. Every now and then she'll text me, almost like she's checking to see if I'm still alive or something, but she doesn't ask me about what's going on in my life at all. It's like she doesn't want to acknowledge that I AM A REAL PERSON and I HAVE A LIFE that deserves to be recognized. Everything is still all about her.

There are a LOT of adult children who wish they had a parent who didn't quiz them on every aspect of their life, who dread the mom's phone call because they know they are in for the next installment of the Spanish Inquisition. I wonder -- have you ever talked to your mom about how you feel about these conversations? Have you ever told her that when she doesn't ask about your life, you feel like she doesn't care about you? Do you share what's going on in your life, and she doesn't have to ask? I'm wondering if she is the type of person who considers any questions such as those intrusive . . . her logic may be "If s/he wanted me to know what was going on in their life, they would tell me, but if I ask, it may be considered nosey and intrusive." Look back to what kind of relationship she had with HER mother, it might be a clue.

As the mom of a 25 year old son, we talk about once or twice a month, internet chat and text frequently -- but I NEVER ask about who he is dating, etc., because a) I won't get any kind of real answer :-) and b) I don't want to come across as pressuring or nosey. We talk about his job, a few activities he's involved in, his traveling, etc. But some topics just seem to be no-go. It can be very confusing to be a parent of a young adult. :-)

[stava]

Unsettling update on my mother. I attended a family function at her house. We ended up going to the basement to get some dishes needed for the party. While down there, I found a box containing a lot of old pictures and things that brought up a lot of great memories for me, mostly of school and old friends. As I was sifting through this box I was very clearly happy and really enjoying reminiscing to myself. She was literally FUMING watching me so happy. Nearly every time I said "Oh, look at this!" or "Wow I haven't seen this in years!" she would shoot me a death glare and start talking OVER me about some memory of HERS that had nothing whatsoever to do with the present moment. She absolutely could not allow me to have my own moments of happiness, my own fond memories of a past that I enjoyed. She despised me for it.

And it was downright creepy. That's all I can say. I started to feel unsafe with her there and I promptly left the basement and interacted with anyone and everyone BUT her for the rest of the day. Am I surprised at her reaction? No. But that doesn't make it any less bizarre.

Moral of the story: You can't show these people happiness. They will just want to destroy you for it.

[animalcrazy]

I'm sorry dear one. I grew up with a mother who only wanted one child and I was not it. My brother was her golden child. There's nothing you can do but move on and fill your life with others that love you. Why waste your time on that?

[stava]

Originally Posted by animalcrazy

I'm sorry dear one. I grew up with a mother who only wanted one child and I was not it. My brother was her golden child. There's nothing you can do but move on and fill your life with others that love you. Why waste your time on that?

I am not striving for a relationship with her, I know she's too sick for that. I posted about this because it never ceases to baffle me the lengths she will go to. But I think I actually need to accept that this is what she does and who she is, instead of ending up disgusted each time she does something like this. Yes, it is disgusting behavior and I don't have to condone it, but I do have to embrace the truth of who she really is.