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My mother has lots of friends as well. But not one of those friends is better off than her, and all are dependent upon her in some way. She attracts "wounded birds" so that she can be looked up to and admired. But she will never mingle with those who are better off than she is.
I am not confronting her for the purpose of getting an apology from her. My siblings tried that years ago and she went into full-blown victim mode, complete with instant tears, saying that she "did everything she could" and that she "would have done anything for us". That's in HER mind.
I'm confronting her because I need to make MY voice known. Even if she plays the victim, or denies responsibility, or cuts the conversation short, at least I will know that I stood up for ME. No one else is going to do that for me, she sure as hell won't do it, so that's on my shoulders to do. And of course I am fully prepared for being dismissed, because by saying "I matter" I will be shifting the power away from her, and she doesn't like that. But at least I'll have stood for something.
And if you think that will be the end of it, you are being grossly over-optimistic.
But hey, knock yourself out. Just warn your siblings as no doubt they will be dragged into the aftermath.
And dammmn, aren't they good at that Not only that, some narcissists have this fatal charm that attracts people to them.
I am frankly boggled at the number of friends my mother has. Oodles, just oodles of friends. When I visit, having hoisted my mental and emotional armor before arriving at her door, she'll trot out neighbors and friends who have come especially to meet me. I'll be showered with praise "oh, Mamma Silverwing has told us so much about you, Silverwing! She's been telling us how much she looked forward to your visit!" Outwardly, I'd be polite and gracious in response, inside I'm thinking "she is so full of sh*t." I knew that as soon as the door closed, my mother would be full of invective insults toward those people.
After the visit, I'd stagger back to my sibling's house, shaking my head. How a person can be so skilled at fooling people, I don't know. I sure can't pull off such a charade.
OMG I wonder if she's friends with my mother? They sound like twins. For decades, everyone
thought she was so amusing and glamorous plus a great mom. She would praise me, my husband and
children to everyone but as you said when we were alone with her she was absolutely horrible.
A few years ago I had a major surgery and pleaded for her to come over and help. My husband
had to work and my children were away in college. Her friends asked why aren't you helping your
daughter and her excuse was she didn't like to travel (I lived an hour away and a family member
would have picked her up). The facade was over.
Now, all those friends and other family members know the true Mrs. Potter.
(sorry can't rep again).
the sad thing is that you are still interested in keeping a relationship with her. you bring the problem onto your own self. you are not "4 years old" anymore. move on with your life or accept the way she treats you (like some stranger). you have no right to complain or whine. i have had cancerous people in my life and cut them off a long time ago. and vice versa. keep only those who are nice to you in an honest way, not fake people, but definitely run away from those who treat you bad. doesn't matter how they are related to you. you live life only once. no reason in being sad or upset for the sake of someone else.
I am not confronting her for the purpose of getting an apology from her. My siblings tried that years ago and she went into full-blown victim mode, complete with instant tears, saying that she "did everything she could" and that she "would have done anything for us". That's in HER mind.
I'm confronting her because I need to make MY voice known. Even if she plays the victim, or denies responsibility, or cuts the conversation short, at least I will know that I stood up for ME. No one else is going to do that for me, she sure as hell won't do it, so that's on my shoulders to do. And of course I am fully prepared for being dismissed, because by saying "I matter" I will be shifting the power away from her, and she doesn't like that. But at least I'll have stood for something.
Just be sure you can handle the fall if it doesn't go your way. There are just some people's attention you can't get. I think the thing that really hurts here is that you are embarrassed. Hey, she did something right because you seem to feel everything she can't say or show.. so you are a part of her. Have you ever thought about it like that? You may very well be the part of her that is lacking. Don't get your expectations too high as I don't want your fall to be too hard.
Just be sure you can handle the fall if it doesn't go your way. There are just some people's attention you can't get. I think the thing that really hurts here is that you are embarrassed. Hey, she did something right because you seem to feel everything she can't say or show.. so you are a part of her. Have you ever thought about it like that? You may very well be the part of her that is lacking. Don't get your expectations too high as I don't want your fall to be too hard.
Whatever happens, I can handle it. I have been through far worse in my life. This isn't my first rodeo .
As a mother myself, this is so very hard, and acutely painful, to imagine. IMHO you have gotten good advice here. The most self-affirming thing you can do with a narcissist is to wall them off, and take care of yourself. As others have said, such treatment towards a child leaves lasting damage. Peter Gerlach (a gifted MSW with a free website and insightful videos) calls it an enduring sense of shame. Can't remember exactly the words, but that is the general idea.
I would urge you to take a look at his web site, and his videos - they give both tactical insight and actionable healing measures. Nothing fuzzy about them, although the man's compassion is abundant. He is a survivor himself. Everything on his site is free, and well worth working through, IMHO. Several of his videos and lessons also have worksheets and discussions about setting boundaries, and what to do in cases where you sense boundary violations. These are very helpful, since his techniques address how to draw the line and confront the play in a way that lets you come from an equal, self-respecting position. Good tools when dealing with a narcissist or bully, since in their world you are merely an object to be used for their benefit.
I am so sorry that you were hurt as you were. Please accept my long-distance, and anonymous, albeit heartfelt affirmation: you are worthy of cherishing.
I hear ya. My mother was less than 'stellar' when I was growing up. Once I was in my 20s, and we were all either in or graduating college, she got better. More interested in our lives, no more 'mean' mom. Over the last few years she has regressed a little, especially now that she drinks more. She's kind of a mean drunk.
Since my nephew was born in November (first grandchild) it's like I don't really exhist anymore. My sister even told me the last time we talked on the phone that she feels bad, like I'm the 'neglected' one. No more texts or phone calls to see how I'm doing (maybe 1 text here & there, if I haven't spoken to her in a while). Absolutely no interest in what's going on in my life, it's all about her grandson now. You know what? I love it! I hate it when she's mean, and this has been a bit like a vacation from her crap lol. I told my sister that, and she laughed & said that her husband told her that's probably how I felt about the situation. If your mother makes you miserable, enjoy the fact that she's not up your a** all the time.
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Not only that, some narcissists have this fatal charm that attracts people to them.
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Very Sorry You are Hurting
