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I am 28 years old. I am very affable and make friends for life. Even though I am a male I am somewhat sensitive(and pretty philosophical- everyone says; for good and bad).
An example of my sensitivity: I grow close too older people. I love hearing them talk about their lives and the things they've seen. I am moved by the fact that many if them die a lonely death. Just looking at really old people I stand and stare and ponder....is this it? Are they waiting to go?
I am very close to both my grandparents on both the sides. Here is the dilemma: despite being 28 years of age, I hadn't really lost anyone. Not my grandparents, not a friend of a friend and such.
Then, last year one if my very good friends passed away in a tragic bike accident. What made it worse was we had had a great time catching up the night before.
It hit me really hard. I couldn't let go. I mean I still think about it when others have clearly moved on.mi even got into a fight with his mother(!!!) because I blamed her for "having moved on". Clearly I have issues.
Now after much soul searching I've decided to not have any children of my own. I come from a culture where you are expected to carry on the lineage so this decision shocked and saddened my parents and grandparents.
My grandmothers want me to find a nice girl and marry. They say this would make them content....to see me "happy and settled".
I mean financially I am well off. Logistically I can raise a family even, and in my culture I am considered getting there in age as far as marriage goes.
But this is my decision. I read a lot of western philosophy. Leo Tolstoy moved me the most. There is no inherent joy in existence. After a certain age(say 12) one starts to realize that life isn't all play and merry. By late teens mortality and death creeps in- you see it in the papers and some even go through it personally.
What do you think? If I just stop at it my lineage will end with me(brothers gay). I am in the west currently and I love that most people here don't care about marriage and family to such an extent.
I am 28 years old. I am very affable and make friends for life. Even though I am a male I am somewhat sensitive(and pretty philosophical- everyone says; for good and bad).
An example of my sensitivity: I grow close too older people. I love hearing them talk about their lives and the things they've seen. I am moved by the fact that many if them die a lonely death. Just looking at really old people I stand and stare and ponder....is this it? Are they waiting to go?
I am very close to both my grandparents on both the sides. Here is the dilemma: despite being 28 years of age, I hadn't really lost anyone. Not my grandparents, not a friend of a friend and such.
Then, last year one if my very good friends passed away in a tragic bike accident. What made it worse was we had had a great time catching up the night before.
It hit me really hard. I couldn't let go. I mean I still think about it when others have clearly moved on.mi even got into a fight with his mother(!!!) because I blamed her for "having moved on". Clearly I have issues.
Now after much soul searching I've decided to not have any children of my own. I come from a culture where you are expected to carry on the lineage so this decision shocked and saddened my parents and grandparents.
My grandmothers want me to find a nice girl and marry. They say this would make them content....to see me "happy and settled".
I mean financially I am well off. Logistically I can raise a family even, and in my culture I am considered getting there in age as far as marriage goes.
But this is my decision. I read a lot of western philosophy. Leo Tolstoy moved me the most. There is no inherent joy in existence. After a certain age(say 12) one starts to realize that life isn't all play and merry. By late teens mortality and death creeps in- you see it in the papers and some even go through it personally.
What do you think? If I just stop at it my lineage will end with me(brothers gay). I am in the west currently and I love that most people here don't care about marriage and family to such an extent.
I think it is selfish to WANT children. They don't ask to be here.
Violence, bad schools, bullying, etc.... Why would anyone want to bring a child up in this?
I don't think it is selfish. However, never say never. You may feel that way NOW-which is fine, but if the right person comes along, you may decide to change your mind-which is also fine.
It is not selfish to remain childless. That is your choice as they will be your responsibility if you choose fatherhood.
What I DO find selfish is people (mainly women, and especially gay women) who choose to have children with sperm donor-fathers who will never know or be part of the childs life. The child will be fatherless, no matter how many other relatives there are. I know several lesbians who have done this, and usually at an advanced age. The odd part is they typically love their fathers but chose to beget fatherless offspring.
I find this hard to understand and selfish to the core.
But men and women who completely abandon their children are the worst of all.
No it is not selfish - how can it possibly be? However, I think you are wrong in thinking there is no inherent joy in existence. I did not plan to have children but nature kinda intervened and .... The second child was planned though. Now, my first born was an absolute delight and fulfilled my life to the full. When My second child came along my life was complete but I realized I did not have the love capacity for another. Those two boys were the most wonderful beings in existence for me. They gave me joy!
Now here's the sad part. My eldest, who was a truly amazing little guy, full of energy and life and laughter, changed when he began to enter puberty. He actually changed before that but the puberty clinched it. He was unhappy in general from then on. I grieved the change in him but was powerless to help him. I tried, believe me I tried. He finally took his life in January.
My second son was just great, right through school up into his last two years. Then he tried drugs and got hooked and went off the rails. He was suicidal over Christmas and maybe it was the shock of losing his brother or maybe it our intervention but now he seems great.
Can you see the pain I have been through for the joy that I did have? My last six or seven years have been hell - especially the last three months. It doesn't always go that way but it can. You may be lucky and find joy in parenthood without the tragedy. Would I do it again? You bet I would but on condition that I knew the score so I could do something differently. Would I want my son to suffer through that again? Definitely not!
My family nags me to death on this issue. At every family gathering, it's brought up. I knew when I was a teenager I didn't want any. I pretended for a while like I did just to fit in. I finally realized I have no interest in child rearing. None. Being around bad kids and especially teenagers reinforced my decision. I know so many people just living miserable lives because of them but then they want to talk bad about me for not having any (especially being a woman).
Leo Tolstoy, I've seen that name. I'm going to have to read up on him.
What do you think? If I just stop at it my lineage will end with me(brothers gay). I am in the west currently and I love that most people here don't care about marriage and family to such an extent.
It's not selfish. The LAST people who should be having children are people who don't want them. I think your reasons are a little melodramatic and you may change your mind when you get older...so don't go getting that vasectomy just yet.
It's not selfish. The LAST people who should be having children are people who don't want them. I think your reasons are a little melodramatic and you may change your mind when you get older...so don't go getting that vasectomy just yet.
It's not the least bit selfish to not want children. If you don't want to have them, you absolutely should not have any.
But since you're still grieving the loss of your friend, your decision is affected in part by your grief. If you're contemplating getting a vasectomy, you should wait. Your feelings may or may not change, but if they do, you don't want to have to go through the vasectomy reversal, etc.
I think it is selfish to WANT children. They don't ask to be here.
Violence, bad schools, bullying, etc.... Why would anyone want to bring a child up in this?
Wow. Somebody watches way too much CNN. I have three children and none of them seem to be living in despair. In fact, they all seem to like their lives a good deal.
Back to the OP. It's not selfish to not want children. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
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