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The only way to have a relationship with dysfunctional family members is to accept they are what they are -- you have to accept them for what they are and don't expect them to change.
There are people who have close enough bonds with family members who are pretty bad -- but they just take them for what they are.
Sometimes you do just have to cut them off for good.
As others here advise you Camille, you have to accept your mother as she is, or keep away. She will never be what you hope her to be.
I went through different stages with my mother. She left home when I was 7 years old. I didn't see her then till I was 12, when she returned home for two weeks, then left again. Next time when I went to see her when I was 18. I just couldn't figure out her lack of interest in me.
We had a fall out when I was 20, and I didn't see her for 3 years. I went to visit when her second husband died, and I got a similar lack of interest. She was in a pub with her new boyfriend, a week after her husband died. I just decided she was mad or bad, I couldn't make my mind up. I was very confused.
Then she took up with my father again when I was 29. I warned him she would kill him this time. He was dead at 55 years of age.
I hated her so much it hurt. I avoided any chance of running into her because I would have physically attacked her.
But, in the end, I had to try and understand her, for my sake, and my peace of mind. So I went to see her when I was about 45 years old. She greeted me like it was only a few days since we had last met. I then gently, over a period of time, tried to find out what made her tick, and why she had caused so much carnage in her life.
She wasn't keen on talking about anything that made her behaviour appear wrong, but angrily talked about a raincoat she had as a young girl. Both her parents died when she was very young. She went to live with her older married sister. She lost the belt to the raincoat, and her sister could only find one that was a slightly different colour. This was during the second world war, so clothing was difficult to get.
She raged angrily at this slight of 50 years previous. I watched her with great interest. I visited her regularly, and felt I was getting somewhere. She loved to talk of my dad's faults, but shied away from hers. Sadly, she became ill with cancer, and I had to stop any more questions. It was too late for that.
During her illness, her sister came to visit. They hadn't seen each other for many years. My mother looked at her sister, and the first thing she said was, "see, David is here. He knows it wasn't my fault." My Auntie looked at me, and I shrugged. What could I say.
The night she died, my wife and I were at her bedside. My mother talked of her life. Mainly recalling good times she had after she walked out on her family. I thought may be she would throw me a bone of regret. She looked at me, and said, "I have no regrets." My wife flashed me a look of astonishment across the bed. I just glanced back with a grim smile.
I forgive her instantly. I knew something was wrong with her. I couldn't put a name to it at the time, but I think may be she was a sociopath. She wasn't diagnosed, because as she said, "I don't have breakdowns, I give them." How true! My poor sister, who lived with her for a few years, suffered many breakdowns in later life.
All you can do is decide if you want to accept your mother's behaviour, and deal with it, or cut her off if it is too upsetting. Don't expect her to love you unconditionally. She never will.
I tried once again to reach out to my mother and at first things looked positive, and my husband and I were going to drive to my parents house to visit on Mother's Day. Then my mother decides her and my father were going to my sister's home for dinner.
Of course my husband and I were not invited. My mother proceeded to tell me it is my own fault that I wasn't invited and that I should "think" about the reason why. She also went on to tell me "You have everything you ever wanted, what do you need us for?" Meaning because my husband does well financially, we are fortunate to have nice things. She throws that in my face often.
Even though it makes me sad I decided I can no longer deal with dysfunction and snarky comments. I called my father (he didn't answer) and I told him he is welcome to call me if he wants to talk, but I will not be coming to visit anymore, unless my mother gets therapy and changes her ways. It is unfortunate that she has my father and siblings wrapped around her finger.
I'm the scapegoat of the family and always will be I guess. My mother claims she is normal and doesn't have any issues and it is all in my imagination.
My husband finds it all very strange since his family dynamic is very positive.
Why won't she do what it takes to have a nice relationship with me??
mental illness is not an easy thing to deal with...and you have to understand, while it may not seem fair, your father learned a long time ago, he has to deal with her or else....however, your actually the lucky one, you do not, however difficult it may be for you, you don't have to look to her for approval or any thing else....you have your family and that is all that is important...be glad your not wrapped around her finger....I know it hurts, it took me a long long time to cut my maternal mother off...it is not an easy thing to do....however, maybe you could ask her the same question, there is evidently something wrong, but for a mother to treat a daughter like this, it just seems so unusual. Count your blessings and move on....make your own family memories...and just don't say anything about it....I know it's hard, and it hurts, but don't allow it to. Hugs
Go back and read the pages of responses you got to your last post on the same matter. It was good advice and it still holds true.
You are you and your mother is your mother. You look at things one way and she another. You cannot make her think the way you want her to think. You cannot make her behave the way you want.
Please take yourself to a good therapist on work on this dynamic. You're in your thirties. You cannot have this eating away at you forever. A therapist can help you come to terms with your mom's behavior and move beyond it. Essentially, you have to let go of the dysfunction..
This doesn't mean you have to cut your mom and your father/ siblings out of your life. Just maintain as much as distance as you need to so you can maintain emotional balance.
Remember, when you have children of your own, behave differently toward them than she to you. Keep remembering that your mom is a good example of what not to do as a parent.
Underlining is mine. Vent and be done with it. JMO.
As others here advise you Camille, you have to accept your mother as she is, or keep away. She will never be what you hope her to be.
I went through different stages with my mother. She left home when I was 7 years old. I didn't see her then till I was 12, when she returned home for two weeks, then left again. Next time when I went to see her when I was 18. I just couldn't figure out her lack of interest in me.
We had a fall out when I was 20, and I didn't see her for 3 years. I went to visit when her second husband died, and I got a similar lack of interest. She was in a pub with her new boyfriend, a week after her husband died. I just decided she was mad or bad, I couldn't make my mind up. I was very confused.
Then she took up with my father again when I was 29. I warned him she would kill him this time. He was dead at 55 years of age.
I hated her so much it hurt. I avoided any chance of running into her because I would have physically attacked her.
But, in the end, I had to try and understand her, for my sake, and my peace of mind. So I went to see her when I was about 45 years old. She greeted me like it was only a few days since we had last met. I then gently, over a period of time, tried to find out what made her tick, and why she had caused so much carnage in her life.
She wasn't keen on talking about anything that made her behaviour appear wrong, but angrily talked about a raincoat she had as a young girl. Both her parents died when she was very young. She went to live with her older married sister. She lost the belt to the raincoat, and her sister could only find one that was a slightly different colour. This was during the second world war, so clothing was difficult to get.
She raged angrily at this slight of 50 years previous. I watched her with great interest. I visited her regularly, and felt I was getting somewhere. She loved to talk of my dad's faults, but shied away from hers. Sadly, she became ill with cancer, and I had to stop any more questions. It was too late for that.
During her illness, her sister came to visit. They hadn't seen each other for many years. My mother looked at her sister, and the first thing she said was, "see, David is here. He knows it wasn't my fault." My Auntie looked at me, and I shrugged. What could I say.
The night she died, my wife and I were at her bedside. My mother talked of her life. Mainly recalling good times she had after she walked out on her family. I thought may be she would throw me a bone of regret. She looked at me, and said, "I have no regrets." My wife flashed me a look of astonishment across the bed. I just glanced back with a grim smile.
I forgive her instantly. I knew something was wrong with her. I couldn't put a name to it at the time, but I think may be she was a sociopath. She wasn't diagnosed, because as she said, "I don't have breakdowns, I give them." How true! My poor sister, who lived with her for a few years, suffered many breakdowns in later life.
All you can do is decide if you want to accept your mother's behaviour, and deal with it, or cut her off if it is too upsetting. Don't expect her to love you unconditionally. She never will.
The only way to have a relationship with dysfunctional family members is to accept they are what they are -- you have to accept them for what they are and don't expect them to change.
There are people who have close enough bonds with family members who are pretty bad -- but they just take them for what they are.
Sometimes you do just have to cut them off for good.
I have to add to this, if I may be so bold......to the OP
also, do not look for their approval....if you do, you'll be running around in circles never getting anywhere and this is YOUR life, now....be good to you, your husband and children and if there are problems, then get to a counselor, please.
After 65 years, I've finally cut my mother off, and now, she has no one, it is sending her over the edge, but there is nothing, I can do....she has always hated me....and if it hadn't been for my foster family, well, thank God for them!
I have to add to this, if I may be so bold......to the OP
also, do not look for their approval....if you do, you'll be running around in circles never getting anywhere and this is YOUR life, now....be good to you, your husband and children and if there are problems, then get to a counselor, please.
After 65 years, I've finally cut my mother off, and now, she has no one, it is sending her over the edge, but there is nothing, I can do....she has always hated me....and if it hadn't been for my foster family, well, thank God for them!
Bless you cremebrulee and bless your foster family for being there for you!
OP....so many of us have been where you're at. Generally, those of us with a sense of "right/wrong" and "hope"....well, we just keep trying to FIX broken stuff, whether it be relationships or simply people. There are going to be "unfixable" people out there. There are going to be people out there who are simply not going to get along with you or like you. There are people out there who do not like ANYone and they're going to stay exactly the way they are. This is not your problem.
Sometimes, it's not our job to fix anything. Sometimes it's far better to accept that someone is the way they are (no FAULT of yours at ALL). I know...it's so hard to do, especially when it's your own family....your own parents. Sometimes, parents shut kids out of their lives. Sometimes spouses or siblings poison relationships with lies, in order to keep parents from having relationships with their siblings. Sometimes, spouses have to protect each OTHER from being victimized by in laws or their own children.
Sometimes....you have to learn to draw a box around your personal family unit and remind yourself, "This is TOP priority!" You reap what you sow. Sometimes, it's not a good idea, trying to fix family relationships. Sometimes, the very people you're trying to keep close to you, are the very people you need to be protecting your children from....and yourself. Just because someone is related to you, it does not mean that you HAVE to, or SHOULD have a relationship with.them.
OP, some people are just screwed up....family or not, and you accept that, and do whatever you have to to protect your children from them and use them as a lesson, rather than just a monster.
How sad when a mother can't be happy for her daughter. Really, that's sad. She should be happy your husband has money so that he can buy you a nice ring, take you on trips, etc. She should be happy you are "spoiled" by your husband rather than treated badly...
Keep your distance, call your brother's and sister's separately, and if they bring up your mom say "you don't understand, she constantly says mean things to me while she is so wonderful with you guys, what do you expect me to do, sit by as she talks crap to me? Sorry that's not going to happen, I'm not asking you to take my side or her's, so let's move on. You guys never seem to ask her why she constantly says mean things to me..."
Sometimes you just have to move on. I suggest therapy if you are having a hard time.
Your mom is a BULLY and your brothers and sisters can't see it because she's not a bully to them.
Did you ever read or see "Mommie Dearest" ? That girl was practically tortured by her mother growing up (her brother was tortured as well) but the mom worshipped the two younger children and treated them differently.
Man I might be taping my mom to let my siblings hear and ask them if that's appropriate how she talks to you...
I didn't read the original thread but it's easy enough to pick up the gist: your mother is broken.
Join the club, it would take a massive stadium to hold us all. You have two choices: 1) fret over it and try to fix her or 2) decide that's where the chips fell, get over it, and move on.
It's really that simple. I early on - in my 20's - went with option 2, with no expectations whatsoever.
To my amazement, it led to great peace. I quit judging and expecting, and over time - a long time- began to see my mom as a person, a miserably flawed one, granted, but one that I could, with effort, pull away from and look at objectively. We eventually ended up in a place of love and reconciliation. Took 40 more years, true, but nonetheless it remains one of the great blessings of my life, although mom's been gone for some years now.
That's not to say you'll find that all that by choosing option 2, but at the least you'll reduce the drama.
I didn't read the original thread but it's easy enough to pick up the gist: your mother is broken.
Join the club, it would take a massive stadium to hold us all. You have two choices: 1) fret over it and try to fix her or 2) decide that's where the chips fell, get over it, and move on.
It's really that simple. I early on - in my 20's - went with option 2, with no expectations whatsoever.
To my amazement, it led to great peace. I quit judging and expecting, and over time - a long time- began to see my mom as a person, a miserably flawed one, granted, but one that I could, with effort, pull away from and look at objectively. We eventually ended up in a place of love and reconciliation. Took 40 more years, true, but nonetheless it remains one of the great blessings of my life, although mom's been gone for some years now.
That's not to say you'll find that all that by choosing option 2, but at the least you'll reduce the drama.
Here's the key to it all, IMHO......written in red.
You know, we "kids" seem to need to feel accepted, good enough, like we're forgiven for not being perfect, like our parents are okay with who we are becoming, what kind of parents we are, life choices we've made..... Basically, yeah....as kids...we want to feel like we're "good enough"....right? Those of us who are parents (and/or grandparents)....we want for our kids to see us as "good enough"...right?
Obviously, some people truly don't give a rats a$$ what others think, but generally....people do. You know, when I think of all the folks bashing on their parents...because they feel that their parents don't see them as "good enough"...they should understand that they're doing the SAME thing to their parents.
Do unto others. If we don't want to feel judged, we need to stop judging others.
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