Is it rude to bring along your SO, when they weren't invited? (socializing, abuse)
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I've got a friend and everytime I invite her out she invites her husband along. Now I get along with her husband just fine, however I'd prefer time alone with my friend. So recently I invited her out to something I normally enjoy by myself, but wanted to share with her. I assumed, wrongly, that it would be very unlikely for him to attend (I have gear for only two). Heck, I didn't even invite my husband along!
After asking her I get a email back letting me know that she'd like to come and her husband is coming along, hope that's okay. Now I'm bummed. I can't say "no" because he wants to come and it would hurt our friendship - am I crazy or is this rude?
Time to quit wimping out and speak up
Your friend isn't likely intending to be rude, but she is being very inconsiderate.
Unless you call her on it she'll never get it on her own.
Write back and tell here the truth, gently and as nicely as possible of course
You don't know, what the home life and marriage relationship of the girl friend. There are many couples, that if they go out, want to go out as a couple. You don't know if in the past, going out alone has caused problems in the couples relationship. They may have relationship reasons, that it is couples only now.
You know what the girlfriend is going to do, and does not want girl's nights out. The best thing is to accept the fact that she wants couples only events, and give up trying to separate her from her husband.
\ when I was speaking with another friend about possibly getting together to do this activity she overheard, inserted herself and asked when "we" were going.
So she invited herself to this activity and then hauled her honey along?
... That kind of put up a red flag to me that this lady doesn't like doing things without her hubby or he feels left out or he is big into inserting himself into HER get togethers ...
That was my reaction. I've had several women friends who married men who don't seem comfortable "allowing" their wives to have an outside life they aren't a part of. Even a woman I considered to be a serious feminist got married and suddenly has to have hubby a part of everything she does. And, honestly, I don't think she was the instigator of that but she goes along with his possessiveness because she loves him and wants to hold on to him. Personally, I couldn't love anyone who would have me in a yoke, but I'm not everyone. It's hard for friendships between women to survive that level of repression, so I'd suggest the OP address this directly with her friend or prepare for the relationship to devolve into "wives who are married to a couple of guys who do things together."
Personally, I couldn't love anyone who would have me in a yoke, but I'm not everyone.
Yes, I don't believe "I got it" before because the mindset is so alien to me. I'm not saying it's bad or wrong, just different. I love my husband but I don't do everything with him, which works for us. I'm good in groups but I tend to be very introverted and like a lot of alone time or one on one time over groups.
Is he an abuser or control freak? A woman who brings her husband along on every outing with her female friends seems like someone who is being controlled.
I've got a friend and everytime I invite her out she invites her husband along. Now I get along with her husband just fine, however I'd prefer time alone with my friend. So recently I invited her out to something I normally enjoy by myself, but wanted to share with her. I assumed, wrongly, that it would be very unlikely for him to attend (I have gear for only two). Heck, I didn't even invite my husband along!
After asking her I get a email back letting me know that she'd like to come and her husband is coming along, hope that's okay. Now I'm bummed. I can't say "no" because he wants to come and it would hurt our friendship - am I crazy or is this rude?
Okay, now this would really, really -iss me off in no time! She could be tied at the hip with her husband, or feel guilty at leaving him behind. But, nevertheless, there is a humongous lack of consideration from your friend. Or perhaps her husband is one of those oppressive types who doesn't want his wife having a life separate from his (and one of my friends was married to a creep like this).
In my small circle of friends, we have NEVER included husbands in anything. Ever. So it's hard for me to fathom something like this.
Yea, I had a (now former) friend who had a mentality that she and her boyfriend were a complete package deal and had to be together always. And the guy was not only a jerk but he was a moping victim of other people's "slight". If people didn't acknowledged him the right way, a meltdown would ensue. If they didn't agree with his opinion (which were usually stupid anyways), meltdown. If they didnt share or accept the 25 cent for the cig, meltdown. He just a rather high maintenance, high strung, controlling, ornery type of guy... Very difficult to get along with. I watched my friend lose her friends and she just couldn't comprehend WHY she was dropping friends like flies. Even when I pointed out to her how invitations were worded:
"Ok, A, fine he can come."
Then that slowly became "Ok A, but he has to promise to be on his best behavior. "
Then became "Ok, A, but you gotta tell R to knock it off, we don't want drama."
Then it became "A... YOU are invited, but he cannot come!" (Oh, he showed up anyway--Package deal)
Then that became "Well, A we didn't invite you because we don't.want.drama."
ya Dumdum still didn't get it.
OP, I don't know if this applies to you... but if saying "Oh this is misunderstanding, it's only us." would serve to hurt the friendship... Is the friendship worth having?
Guys like that can be really scary. When women finally get tired of their controlling crap, they sometimes end up being stalkers, and that can end up very badly for the woman Even if OP doesn't want to do things with the friend anymore, she should monitor this situation to make sure the friend is safe.
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Even if OP doesn't want to do things with the friend anymore, she should monitor this situation to make sure the friend is safe.
