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I do sometimes tell my close friends what I don't like about them. If you can't be honest with your close friends, who would you be honest to? As long as you aren't a d-bag about it, I don't see the problem. And I don't mind them telling me either.
I have few very close friends. (only four of them). But they are not buddies, chatting partners or friends of the situation. These are really close friends of a number of years. These are emotional connections.
Because I offer them true friendship and give them a lot, I expect a lot from them. On occasion they let me down when I really need them.
Typically in America we play the passive aggressive game with our platonic friends. If they don't serve our needs we just drop contact, instead of sitting them down and tell them why there is problems. With close friends that seems so fake. But in the past when I am honest, they act strange because no other friends are honest when they disappointed them, they just drifted apart passive aggressively.
So, do you tell your close friends what you don't like about them? Where they are lacking in their friendship?
Your mistake is telling them what you don't like about THEM. Critiquing THEM.
You should be stating what the specific behavior made YOU feel or the consequences of it on YOUR life.
Then it's on YOU and not them.
You can mutually decide to live with it or part ways without drama.
I had a BF for 10 years that would sometimes do things that annoyed me just by virtue of his "ways". So I'd smile and say "Ok gonna go now, let me know when you're "over it".
Or he insisted on bringing HIS dogs with us but my dog never got to go. SO I just didn't go.
Or if he wasn't paying attention to something I was saying I'd just stop talking.
He got the point with no hard feelings. THATs why we never lived together it was perfect.
I only rely on ME not other people. It's a result of living alone for life even though you have family or whatnot.
I think your 4 friends should sit you down and tell you what they don't like about you. How would you expect them to react to you telling them their shortcomings (as you see them)? Something like this...."Oh wow, RetiredNow, I didn't know you felt that way I'll change myself right now to suit your expectations of what a friend to you should conform to". Or perhaps they would tell you that your arrogance and superior attitude makes them sick, and they really don't want to be friends with you anymore.
There are ways to address differences, and telling someone what you don't like about them is not going to produce the results you would like, unless your goal is to be entirely estranged from your friends as well as your family. The way to do it is to use "I statements". Such as..."When you tell me you will meet me at 2:00 and then you are 25 minutes late, I feel like you don't value my time and I resent being left sitting alone when I was on time for you". This way you are explaining the harm that their behavior is causing rather than saying "You're always late and it pi$$es me off".
I suspect I don't have many close friends because when I do something with acquaintances that irks them (hand motions, gestures, on the phone, or I may have come on too strong and not noticed it), they may just ignore me instead of bringing it up. Well, if they really were my friends, they would tell me, rather than be more afraid of me getting offended and suing them or whatever.
Another reason is I'm not outgoing enough to call up acquaintances and ask them if they'd like to play games at my place, go see a movie, or just grab a bite at a store, but that's for another thread.
Ironically enough, the people who say stuff like "I don't want to offend you" or "please don't take me the wrong way" and then point out something I should work on are the ones that especially don't need to be justifying themselves.
Nope. If we make each other angry, we tell each other right then. This lets us work it out. I don't tell them "what is wrong with them" because I don't expect perfection.
I have few very close friends. (only four of them). But they are not buddies, chatting partners or friends of the situation. These are really close friends of a number of years. These are emotional connections.
Because I offer them true friendship and give them a lot, I expect a lot from them. On occasion they let me down when I really need them.
Typically in America we play the passive aggressive game with our platonic friends. If they don't serve our needs we just drop contact, instead of sitting them down and tell them why there is problems. With close friends that seems so fake. But in the past when I am honest, they act strange because no other friends are honest when they disappointed them, they just drifted apart passive aggressively.
So, do you tell your close friends what you don't like about them? Where they are lacking in their friendship?
Yes, once. A very close friend of over 25 years. actually I sent her an e-mail (yes, chicken), she responded in shock.
Couple of days after she called that we need to talk.
Met at my house over a bottle of wine and got everything out.
That was about 5 years ago and the friendship is great! The old problems never resurfaced.
Sometimes you have to clear the air if you both want to save the friendship. PS. My mother was not on my side as she loves this friend, and though she is happy that everything worked out, she does tend to throw it in my face every now and then.
I don't regret it, if I hadn't done anything, the friendship would not be what it is today.
I need to add something to my post after reading other's comments.
When I talked to my friend it wasn't things as..."I don't like the type of shoes you wear", or "I don't like the books you read".
My issues were big enough for me to end the friendship, if the tables were turned I would want a friend to give me the same courtesy...let's talk and clear the air rather than ending the friendship.
And yes, she had an item or two for me, we both stayed very calm (wine helped).
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