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I think some of you are missing the point. I tried, from the get-go, to keep this simple and easy, and the less people the better. Precisely because it was for a 1 year old, let's don't make a big fuss over it, they would rather play with the bow on the present, than they would the present. A 1 year old isn't going to remember all the fuss that was made over their bday and in fact will likely get tired and over-stimulated before all is said and done. That was my over-riding thought process as this began being discussed.
And yes, home maintenance. Our pool, inground, had sat empty and in disprepair for 3 years, because we are on a tight budget and had been unable to fix it. The yard, had gone to nothing but weeds because of a dog that we inherited, family member brought the dog in here, and we never asked for the dog, it had torn the yard up to where it was nothing but weeds. Our b'yard had become a ghetto eye-sore and the budget not there to fix it. This party began to be talked about, so with the mindset of having to fix all that is in disrepair, along with the theme that this is a 1 year old's party, let's not make this huge, .. I figured, as I said, there is going to be a lot of expense here, let's keep it simple and small. Let's only invite the locals, there are enough g'parents and great g'parents locally that it would've comprised about 10 of us here. No need to get outta hand here.
My brothers live out of town, brother 1 is about 1 1/2 hours away, brother 2 is about 6 hours away.
So no, I still don't think my "plan" was unreasonable. Had brother 1 not been told of the event, or maybe if mom (who stepped out of line IMO) had prefaced what she said to my brother with "well check with your sister, I'm not sure what she has planned, I've gone and invited you guys, and it isn't my house ... I'm not sure what she has in mind, if she hasn't called you guys). My brother could've then asked me, what I had in mind, was I wanting a crowd, to which I could've then begged off.
That isn't how it transpired. Had my brother queried, having had what my mother said as a preface, .. then I could've begged off and told him that we were really looking just to keep it small and simple. Then brother 2, wouldn't of felt hurt at being left out.
Yes my brothers and my dad would've heard about it all, likely later, .. and my explanation would've been (this was thought of in advance believe it or not) "Yes we had __________'s bday here, it was real small we only had just parents and g'parents, and greats, .. just kept it simple, it was a 1 yo's birthday, didn't want to make a big scene out of it".
I wouldn't be hurt if I heard that from family.
I still find it really hard to wrap my brain around the fact that brother 2 and his wife are hurt over this. They knew, I'm close to my sil, they knew from the get-go my intentions on keeping this small and simple. I talk to my sil several times a week usually, just idle chit chat. So as this thing was being planned, and so forth, she and I have been talking through the weeks, ... and just about this or that. She knew that I was livid when my mother invited my one brother, and that then caused me to have to now include that brother and his g'friend, which I hadn't intended, .. and also my dad and his wife, which hadn't been my intention. My sil knew all this, as it all transpired, I talked to her.
In fact, when that all went down, I had talked it over with her, "what do I do?, now my_________ wants to come, because of what mom did, .. and this wasn't her's to do .. this is my house, my event, I wanted to keep this simple, now if I invite _________ and his g'friend, I'm gonna have to now invite my dad and his wife, which I didn't want to do".
Her response had been, "Well you kinda have to now, .. you really don't have any choice, mom should've minded her own business, but now that she invited them, you kinda have to go along with it".
She didn't say at that time, "well now that mom invited them, to your party, I guess we should wait for our invite, because you certainly haven't invited us".
And then it seems, within the past week, prior to the 1 yo's bday this past Saturday, this all blew up in our faces, that they are hurt, this sil, and my brother, .. when all along, this has been talked about, along with numerous other items of idle chit chat as we talk periodically.
She did tell me last week, (as I said we talk all the time, we're friends, .. or we were, who knows at this point), she did tell me that she and my brother are hurt, at not being included. At that point I explained to her that I'm sorry, it was never my intention to hurt or exclude anyone, .. that I'd wanted to keep it real small and that it just grew and grew, .. and that were it not for my mother's misstep in inviting brother 1, neither brother would've been invited, I just didn't think it necessary to make it that big a production.
So I have spoken with her about the whole debacle. But beyond that, it wasn't settled apparently, as brother that is hurt has relayed said feelings to mother, and I've been duly chastised and admonished, that I have hurt him.
The POINT is that you don't know how to manage your dysfunctional family.
The more words you type, the clearer it is that you and your siblings are a bunch of crybaby whiners, with your mom as the grand puppet master.
Honestly, it's embarrassing to read about grown adults with grandchildren talking about their feelings being hurt over not being invited to a baby's birthday party!! Sounds like a big fat mess of co-dependence. Look at how much emotional energy you have spent on this.
IN the future, err on the side of including everyone. Your mom will still find a way to screw with you all, but at least know that going in.
You can't change her. And your angst over all this will only serve to make you feel worse. Further, don't let her negative actions control you.
Your biggest/ONLY lesson from this should make future plans EASIER for you -- do NOT tell her about party plans and/or get-together with limited number of guests until right beforehand. Take back the control.
Hmm... if I lived 6 hours away and didn't receive an invite to a 1 yr old's party, I'd be breathing a huge sigh of relief because then I wouldn't have to decline the invitation. But then, I'm reasonable about those things. OP's family isn't.
really shouldn't factor in pool and yard stuff as a cost to hold a party for a baby. Lots of public parks have places you can set up an event on the cheap. I know that's not the question, but your decision to keep it small based on budget to fix up your yard really shouldn't be the factor driving the size of the party.
IMO, family events should not exclude any but the truly disruptive or disinterested.
You all are a bunch of socially-deficient people. Every single one of you. Somehow or another, you have taken a one-year-old's birthday party and turned it into the Battle of Verdun. You are wrong. They are wrong. I think you should all have one big family get together to apologize to each other for the stupid drama. The most mature person in this entire scenario is the one-year-old.
I know how it feels to be "the one who wasn't invited" and I can tell you that your brother and his wife are absolutely right to be hurt at being excluded. I don't care what your Mother has or has not done, you were wrong.
And what's up with "having" to invite your Dad and his SO? Wouldn't he have been included in the original group by virtue of being the Great-Grandpa?
I hosted a Christmas Day Party every year for almost 60 years. By the time I resigned my commission, the party had grown to 23. I managed to afford it. But of course, I didn't have to "rehab the pool and re-sod the lawn". Now that you've managed to impress 22 family members, (that's what you were after, right?), and alienated some others, how did the Birthday Child enjoy the party?
Your mother should not have blabbed. But at the same token, trying to keep news of a party that includes some extended family but not others on the DL is next to impossible, and you should have known your own mother better than that.
Quote:
Originally Posted by nnyl
I planned, here at my house, a first bday party for my only grandchild. From the start, this was to be a small-ish gathering of only g'parents and great grandparents (we all live locally). In all, it would've been a gathering of approximately 10 people, in all.
It had been my intention to keep this small, in order to accommodate the size of my place, and the fact that this would be a burger cook out, w/the trimmings, thus the expense involved.
We were also having to, in order to host this event, re-do our b'yard inground pool, and re-sod our yard, which had been in disrepair for quite some time, so expense, was very much a factor in all of this that was to transpire.
And now, I need to try to wrap my head around how springing for burgers for a few more guests is prohibitively expensive, but redoing an in-ground pool and re-sodding a yard for a party for a kid who isn't even aware it's his/her birthday are not.
Why people even have parties like this for children before the kids are old enough to understand what a birthday is defies logic in the first place, except that it's a good excuse to get family together. But then that brings us back to square one, as apparently some relatives rate the title of "family" and others don't.
Mostly I am amazed that someone old enough to be a grandmother (and a great-grandmother) are still entrenched in this kind of drama. It's like jr. high school.
Let me be honest, If you are my husband I am going to a lawyer for a divorce honestly. Fine well we can say your mom did not let you to do the party as your wish. But you are such a person who has no heart sorry to say that,, you have brothers no contact, you have a father no contact, you hurt people by cutting off from parties. Baby's first birthday is important for a grand mother that is her mother feelings. If you want to keep it simple then you go with your wife and child to a MacDonald and eat a happy meal there. From your post I feel you are such a greedy man who has no family feelings at all. I don't think it is about who is right or wrong, it is about who is selfish and greedy. In front of people with family feeling, family love and care you loose to the end. In front of people who got exact qualities like you, you will win to the top of the win list.
Birth day comes once a year- forget your grudges with your brothers -in laws -parents grand parents lets have a blast and enjoy it , life is short and passed birthday never come back at least try to enjoy once a year with your brothers and whole family. Good luck.
You all are a bunch of socially-deficient people. Every single one of you. Somehow or another, you have taken a one-year-old's birthday party and turned it into the Battle of Verdun. You are wrong. They are wrong. I think you should all have one big family get together to apologize to each other for the stupid drama. The most mature person in this entire scenario is the one-year-old.
well said, life is short birthday is once a year just have a blast and forget the grudges,,
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